Behaviour Problem

[Reds]

My husband has Alzheimer's but is still quite good generally. I have put a thread on here before about this matter. I did not have a good day yesterday as I took my husband to a tea room. Its like a hobby to him to joke with every single person that we meet.

Sometimes when we pass people he does a hide and seek act whereby he starts shaking on purpose pertending to be frightened of them running him over when they are on a bike or something. He sort of crouches down whilst shaking and it looks most weird. The odd person will laugh but he gets strange looks. I have told him that I don't like it and other members of the family just don't know where to put themselves as they feel embarrased by it such as at a party the other evening. It was a bit funny at first but gets tiring for me when it happens regularly. I can understand children might laugh about it sometimes but he will do it even to one serious looking person on a biking expedition and it doesn't seem appropriate. My husband enjoys himself I know that the main thing but it does look so strange and it really isn't for everyone one.

He went Xmas shopping up the town yesterday too I offered my support to go with him but he really wanted to do it on his which is good. However, he came back with stories such as he walked past three Chinese gentleman and they were all talking together and my husband put his fingers in his own ears to pretend he couldn't cope with them apparentely they didn't look amused but laughed once by husband said its his sence of humour! He also told me how he stood in front of a restaurant window and rubbed his tummy pretending to be hungry and then played hide and seek by hiding then going to the window again, back and forth to a family in a restaurant. He said they all laughed, yes it is funny in away but I notice people laugh because they don't know what else to do sometimes.

My husband is very friendly and his jokes are very witty sometimes times and I probably am a little serious but I am so worried that he is going to upset someone one day because he approaches people. Most people are ok but I find it so hard to see my husband behaving in this way, I just can't believe it. He puts his hand out to people saying 'any free samples?' or 'have you any chocolate' I even take chocolate on our walks to try to distract him from saying this in case he really does want some.

My husband is fully aware of this behaviour and he even mentions sometimes in conversation that I don't really like it but he says its the way he is.

Yesterday I got cross and said that constant joking behaviour is putting me off going out with on our lovely walks and holidays and that he has to cut it down as its getting me down, I don't know if this will work.

Is there anyone else who experiences this? I do feel like I'm the only one and that my husband is the only one who seems to have this hobby. It feels likes its an addiction he has.

Also there were two ladies in the tea room and they were friendly, however I just felt my husband talked to them a little two long and although some of the conversation was fine I just feel its inappropriate for him to show them his hand as he lost half a finger when he was a child but I just feel its not the time or place to do this when they have just had a nice cup of tea and slice of cake.

My husband's behaviour does not help my confidence and makes me feel vunerable. I have tried to ignore it for ages now but when I spoke to someone yesterday she said I am just allowing it if I don't voice my opinion about and so I did as I said above.

Reds x

 

[sunray]

similar people

I have had two friends who in their old age with probable demntia did similar things, made exaggerated jokes, insensitive remarks in one case, thinking they knew everyone they met in the other. I think you will be more embarrassed by his behaviour than those he speaks to or plays tricks on as they will just think he is "a bit of a character".

You could discuss it with your doctor if you think that will do any good. Dementia can have a lot of embarrassing monents, like my mother picking up an armload of crystal glasses at a friend's place thinking she was a waitress. the friend actually asked me to take Mum home! I am still friends with her though, she did realise it was "just the dementia".

Sue.

 

[jeany123]

I can identify with this . my husband does very similar things he makes faces and says arggghhh to children and makes them cry and plays peek a boo with people he makes stupid comments or tells silly jokes if I say anything he says they laughed so they don't mind but i know it's because they don't know what else to do, he is a wheelchair and sometimes I inwardly cringe if someone is coming the other way as I just know he is going to say something , when we are in a cafe or hotel he always makes silly comments to the waiters and it spoils the rest of my time there, he bends right over away , when people go past him when he is in his wheelchair as though he is frightened they will bump into him, I try distraction but it doesn't always work as he always says out loud they don't mind they know i am joking .I am sorry I can't help but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone,

Jeany x

 

[julientuareg]

My partner also used to do silly things and try to be friends with everyone. I used to be embarrassed but then I started to make eye contact with the people , make faces myself and generally I think conveyed that he was harmless. I never had a problem with people taking it the wrong way in fact I think sometimes that they enjoyed being able to join in with the silliness, (often we are far too serious and should connect with our inner child).
He has now gone past this stage and often doesnt acknowledge people at all. Sometimes I wish we were still at the silly stage.

 

[LYN T]

My partner also used to do silly things and try to be friends with everyone. I used to be embarrassed but then I started to make eye contact with the people , make faces myself and generally I think conveyed that he was harmless. I never had a problem with people taking it the wrong way in fact I think sometimes that they enjoyed being able to join in with the silliness, (often we are far too serious and should connect with our inner child).
He has now gone past this stage and often doesnt acknowledge people at all. Sometimes I wish we were still at the silly stage.

Me too. It seems only a few months ago that my OH was at this stage and now it's all gone-replaced by fear that he is going to be attacked by people he passes in the street, or people in the house when it's just us.

 

[rjm]

Hi Reds,

I can understand how embarrassing that must be sometimes. Some people carry small cards with them that they can hand out explaining that the person they are with has dementia and can't help their behaviour. I have never used them, but I can see where it might help to diffuse an awkward situation. Hopefully this is a phase that will pass quickly for your husband.

 

[Reds]

I asked my husband to behave better in public today such as not pretending to shake all over when people come along on their bikes or walk past as though he is scared they will run him over he thinks its a great joke. I also asked him not to approach strangers as he goes right up to them, he thinks they all like him joking to make them laugh. He is fully aware of what he is doing so I can't understand why today we couldn't have had one walk without him acting a bit silly. He said its the way he is but I have told him all the family do not think it is appropriate to go up so close to people and that he looks very stranges when he does his shaking joke but he says he is happy doing it. Why can't he be reasonable, I haven't told him to stop talking to everyone, I have said its ok to say hi to people and say a few words if he wants to when we are standing next to people and to enjoy watching children feeding ducks and have a laugh about the odd funny situation. It makes his day, it really is like an addiction, I can actually see him thinking about what funny thing he is going to do or say when he gets close to people on our walks.


I am thankful for the people that have commented so far but I am surprised that there hasn't been more responses about how others behave. This matter is kind of ruining my life because its a regular thing, I really can't believe my husband is behaving this way and he knows it!

What really is strange is he won't watch comedians on tv, chat shows, dramas not even the Royal Variety Performance and yet he has to behave in public as above.


Reds

 

[rjm]

Why can't he be reasonable,

This is the question we all ask over and over. Whether it is about behaviour in public, tearing decorations of the tree, scaring the grandkids, saving feces in their slippers - why can't they be reasonable? The answer is, because they have dementia and the brain/mind does not work in a way that seems reasonable to us, although it does to the one with dementia.

Over the years Sharon has gone through phases where she would go up to a couple of strangers having a conversation and start laughing as if they had just told her the funniest joke, point at people on the street and start laughing, hug strangers and tell them how good it is to see them then ask after their parents and children, wanting to cuddle unknown children and babies, yelling at people. Her current fascination is wanting to stroke women's breasts, especially if they are large and the woman is wearing a brightly patterned top.

There is not much that can be done to change the behaviour. We have to either accept it and beg the tolerance of others or avoid the situations altogether. On the plus side, all these phases and quirks do pass; sometimes in weeks, sometimes in months or longer. And sometimes we look back in sadness and wish our loved one were still at the point where they could do some of those things that seemed so distressing and upsetting at the time.

 

[meme]

Norman Wisdom behaved like this to the end and entertained his fellow care home dwellers and his grandchildrens school friends and parents at the school gates!... ....but this is not funny for you at all.....I would try to step back from being too embarrassed and remember most people will be sympathetic or ignore the behavior, and a few will understand, the others aren't worth bothering about.

 

[Reds]

This is the question we all ask over and over. Whether it is about behaviour in public, tearing decorations of the tree, scaring the grandkids, saving feces in their slippers - why can't they be reasonable? The answer is, because they have dementia and the brain/mind does not work in a way that seems reasonable to us, although it does to the one with dementia.

Over the years Sharon has gone through phases where she would go up to a couple of strangers having a conversation and start laughing as if they had just told her the funniest joke, point at people on the street and start laughing, hug strangers and tell them how good it is to see them then ask after their parents and children, wanting to cuddle unknown children and babies, yelling at people. Her current fascination is wanting to stroke women's breasts, especially if they are large and the woman is wearing a brightly patterned top.

There is not much that can be done to change the behaviour. We have to either accept it and beg the tolerance of others or avoid the situations altogether. On the plus side, all these phases and quirks do pass; sometimes in weeks, sometimes in months or longer. And sometimes we look back in sadness and wish our loved one were still at the point where they could do some of those things that seemed so distressing and upsetting at the time.

Dear Richard

Thank you so much for your response. You really have made me feel that I am not alone with this tricky situation. I think I have been searching and searching for someone to say the right thing to me and you have certainly given me the right message. Tears are actually falling right now and particularly when I read your story. You seem to be a very caring, intelligent and understanding person and although this has made me cry it is good for I hardly ever shed any tears and think I probably need to. Just by your words I feel that you know where I am coming from, as I feel its not easy to put my situation in words properly. I have mentioned it to family and doctors but I don't think they really see that I am saying this is a real problem to me about my husband not behaving appropriately in public. Your note about being a younger person to cope with this illness has helped me too as I am 51 and my husband now 60. I can imagine it must be extremely difficult to cope when for example 70+.

Think I am still expecting my husband to be 'normal' as he seems so 'normal' at times, so I can't understand why he has to behave childlike at other times and not eat very much, just tiny bits of food throughout the day.

I will read your story from time to time as it has given me a little more strength again because although I wish no one else had to deal with a difficult disease, for the moment I do not feel alone.

Kind Regards and thank you! Reds

 

[Reds]

Went out for a walk this morning. I didn't really want to go as tired and the weather not good but my husband who has Alzheimer's really likes to go for a walk. I love walking but could do with time to recover from Xmas and Boxing day. As I said before I have taken great steps to ask my husband not to go right up to people in public or do anything silly. Today we walked past a playground and there was a man helping his children on to swings etc and they were a bit of a distance from the path me and my husband were on. My husband left walking with me and walked right over to where the man and two children were, I called him but he would not come back, he insisted he wanted a laugh and a joke with the man and the children. I walked on hoping he would follow and he did after awhile.

Obviously me taking great steps to ask my husband not to approach people in public has not worked at all even tho I had told him the rest of the family don't like it. My son has reminded him that he wouldn't have liked it if a stranger came right up to his children and worried them. My husband thinks there is nothing wrong with it and his joke is followed by a sorry 'going away (then his own name)'. He also now makes a point of telling me about it, but as telling him not to do it didn't help I now want to try and ignore it but can't even do that now.

Does anyone else think it is wrong of him to go up to people he doesn't know or am I over reacting? I must admit I personally don't like it but not only that I don't want others feeling worried or my husband getting a strange look or unfriendly comment.

Reds

 

[Sue J]

Does anyone else think it is wrong of him to go up to people he doesn't know or am I over reacting? I must admit I personally don't like it but not only that I don't want others feeling worried or my husband getting a strange look or unfriendly comment

Dear Reds

You are not over reacting but reacting normally, you are embarrassed so would I be. But it is the dementia that is causing this and he obviously feels unable to control this and it sounds like it is a big change to his personality. Maybe he is aware of that change too but cannot resolve it, which is why maybe he doesn't want to watch comedians etc. However, you may find using cards to give, at appropriate times, to people you feel may be upset may help you as you will have their understanding.

My personality has changed a lot and I find it very hard to deal with, I come out with things which are alien to me and I choose to stay at home on my really bad days but some days things aren't in check and it upsets me as much as I know it upsets those that knew me as someone different and the last thing I would want to do is embarass them. Do you have any CPN support so that you could discuss it and maybe work out some different tactics to help you cope or see if between you, you can find things that can perhaps cause him to desist from such behaviour? Maybe he does have a fear of being run down by a bike because something has happened to him that he was never able to share and has got stuck in him?

I do feel for you and you are not over reacting, just being 'normal'.
Best wishes
Sue