Mum and Dad still in the airing cupboard !!

[mothergoose]

I know this may sound a little weird but I really don't know what to do with mum and dad's ashes. Dad passed away Jan 2011 (not dementia related) and I kept him in the airing cupboard whilst he waited for his lovely wife (mum) to join him (they were married nearly 59 years and I felt it wrong to separate them in death)
mum passed away 17th August (dementia) and now I really don't know where to put their ashes.
My brother was killed in a RTA in August 2007 and I don't even know where his ashes are (due to his wife) so now it's just me left (even though I am married with a family I miss MY family)

I know this may sound strange but I'm not even sure if I want to take them out of the airing cupboard yet, whilst they are there I feel like they are still with me
Any advise would be really welcome.


Mothergoose

 

[CeliaW]

Hello Mothergoose - is there a need to make any change? Do what you feel comfortable with and that is what matters. A friend of mine had her Mums ashes for ages in a box in the spare room until suddenly one day she realised what she wanted to do and that was to scatter them in a place she and her Mum had visited a little while before her Mum became ill and which she had lovely memories of her Mum as she had always known her.

There are no rules, in this instance you only need to consider what you feel comfortable with as am sure your parents would want you to "feel right" about whatever you do.

They may stay there for ever or things change as it did with my friend but just do what makes you feel best inside.

Hugs, take care xx

 

[jenniferpa]

You never had a conversation with them when they were alive about what they might want to happen?

I don't think there's anything wrong with holding on to them as long as you want although I think I might leave instructions about what should happen to them if something happened to you (I'm assuming that decision wouldn't be so problematic). You just don't probably want them left there with no instructions: I have firm instructions from my MIL about what to do with her ashes when the time comes (bury them with her husbands ashes which are in an urn in the china cabinet) and that's going to make it much easier.

 

[SisterAct]

We still have Mums Ashes and pre Dementia Dad requested that his ashes were mingled with Mums and cast out on the ebb tide so they would sail out together.

We are going to scatter half on the river Mersey And the other half on Bondi Beach.

Dad had a job and a house all arranged in Australia in the 1950s then Mum saw a newsreel about the size of the spiders there and decided not to go. Think Dad has always regretted it.

Told Dad and he laughed, said. " what's she (me) like. Do anything for a holiday

 

[Saffie]

I know a lot of people split the ashes but I have a problem with it. My daughters think I'm odd but it just doesn't seem right to me. I know they are only ashes and not the real person but..............?

Hope you don't take offence is none was intended. X

 

[Heather777]

It is hard to know what to do with the ashes-I have still got to pick my dads up, he died March 1st. I have some ideas but no time to follow it through. I have family and whilst they are happy with my idea they havent bothered to follow it up. I feel that I need to get brave and phone the funeral director to collect them.

I am sure, Mothergoose, that you will know what to do with them and it will feel right. If you are happy to keep them together and warm in the airing cupboard then you do that.

Heather xx

 

[Onlyme]

Do you have a garden? Could you put the erns under a special slab and put tub of flowers on top? That way it would be a special place for you to go and think. If you had to move you could always take the erns with you. Ashes are very toxic and putting them under plants is not a good idea.

 

[TinaT]

I believe Yoko Ono has John Lennons ashes under her bed to this very day and he died a long, long time ago. I can be forgiven then for keeping my Ken's ashes close to me (but not under the bed) as he died only two months ago. Funny isn't it how they are so hard to part with and it is so hard to decide where they should finally be placed.

xxTinaT

 

[LynneMcV]

My father died 21 years ago and his ashes were in my mother's wardrobe for 20 years. When she passed away last year, the crematorium was more than happy for us to return dad's ashes to them so that mum and dad could be put together.(I had thought it might be an issue after so long, but all was good).

We went to the Garden of Remembrance and chose a lovely spot with a bench nearby. We can go and sit in peace and quiet with our memories of them. We chose a wilder part of the garden, off the beaten track, where there are trees, wild flowers and wildlife - the sort of place mum and dad loved to be when they were here with us.

The decision for us was easier, because we knew that mum had deliberately held on to the ashes because she couldn't bear the thought of being apart from dad while she was alive - and she wanted both sets of ashes put together when her time came. It also brought a great sense of relief to my brother and myself to see them brought together at the end. There was a real sense of having brought things to the right ending for them both after 20 years apart.

I would say, don't feel rushed into making decisions about what to do with your parents' ashes. If it is comforting to have them with you hold on to them as long as you wish. The choice is completely personal and there is no time limit regarding their disposal.

As already said, it would be a good idea to let someone know what should happen to your parents' ashes, in the event of you passing away too.

For my own part, once we had chosen the spot we liked, I included details in my own will that my ashes were to be placed at the same spot where my parents are. It gives me a sense of peace to know where they are, where I will be - and that my children know my wishes.

 

[bobtail]

Sister Act sorry but that made me laugh about your mum not wanting to go to OZ because she heard about the size of the spiders there...I would be the same I am afraid. I know of someone who had the ashes made into a diamond and then into a ring? ...not sure about that...and heard of someone who hated her husband, had a party after he was cremated not inviting his family or friends..then sent his ashes up in a firework rocket before anyone had a chance to even pay respects!!... again it is personal and no time limit...keep them snug in the airing cupboard...and one day you will know what to do... is there a favourite spot they loved or where they met? that sort of thing ...sending you and your parents in the airing cupboard love and light xx