Newbie on here. Dad sectioned and in hospital. Help - relieved but sad!

[clairesymoo]

This is my first post but I've been getting support from reading TP for months now. Dad has been diagnosed for almost a year but only just found out my mum who he lives with has been the victim of his domestic abuse for months now and hid it. Things have come to a head and he has now been taken to hospital (section 2 - all this terminology is new to us as a family) he is so violent in hospital too. I know its the Alz but I feel so bad that mum has been living in fear and hiding it from me and my brother for so long. The psych nurses are saying they are intimidated by him. BUT I still love him and feel so very sad for him he's helpless and scared himself.
I'm so sorry this is so rambling. I feel mum is safe now but I feel so sad about poor dad.
This is so cruel.
There doesnt seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. But it helps so much to read other posts and realise your not alone.
I guess what I want to know is that it is totally normal to have such mixed feelings about the person in your life with Alz. Sorry I dont seem to be making much sense.

 

[Butter]

Welcome to TP clairesymoo and I am very sorry to hear about your poor dad and your poor mum.

My mum was sectioned several times - and each time she came out of hospital better than she was when she went in. It may take a while for your dad to be stabilised - all the blood tests and fine tuning of the medication are a lengthy process.

And your mum will need all your support too and she may be exhausted and shocked as well.

Is is normal to have mixed feelings? Yes, surely it must be. It takes a lot of getting used to when your parents are ill. They are very lucky to have you around looking out for them. Good luck and keep posting.

 

[Sue J]

I guess what I want to know is that it is totally normal to have such mixed feelings about the person in your life with Alz. Sorry I dont seem to be making much sense.

Hi Clairesymoo

Welcome to TP, sorry to read about your situation. I think it wouldn't be normal if you didn't have mixed feelings. You know and love your Dad and this disease is has changed him in ways you don't recognize, you have a lot that you are coming to terms with. Hopefully now that he is in hospital they can fully assess him and deal with some of his symptoms and your Mum has some respite too.

I'm sure you'll get lots of support here too
love
Sue

 

[CAW]

Hi clairesymoo. You need to make sure mum is 'safe' too or that is something else to worry about, and at the moment, your father is in professional hands which has to be the best thing. I look at the person for who they really are - the person you know, and try to remember that the illness is making the changes we do not always want to see.
I hope it works out for you, hang in there.

 

[garnuft]

Your poor Mum. Your poor Mum. Your Dad is inside his Dementia. Best thing is, you saved your Mum from it. Keep her safe too.
Your poor Dad....
Hang on tight, both need you in a myriad of ways, you feel the pain for both,
Love, strength and understanding. Keep posting, loads of folks here know what to do. Chin up, stay strong, XXX

 

[lin1]

Hello Clairesymoo Welcome to TP
I am sorry to hear about your dad and the abuse your mum has been suffering
I think its perfectly normal to have such mixed feelings
I loved my mum but their were times when I didnt like her, she was never as bad as your dad has been

It sounds as though it's going to take quite a time for them to get your dad in a calmer place,
I suggest that your mum has a complete break and doesnt visit your dad for a while, she has been through hell and I think your mum needs time to recover , I know its not easy for you either

This vile disease has a lot to answer for

do keep posting and let us know how you all are
Do you think your mum would come on here?

 

[Nebiroth]

As said, I think it would be abnormal if you didn't have such conflicting feelings. You are torn between knowing that there was really no other way and that the situation, your mum and dad's health and safety required, the section, but at the same time you are torn because it's your dad who has been "taken away" to a mental health ward.

If it helps, my mum and I had the same thing when my dad was sectioned. On the one hand, there was all the trauma of the process (which actually went very smoothly), the knowledge that he had effectively been what people might term as "locked up in a mental health hospital" and the guilt that a lot of that was because we could no longer cope, was it because we were inadequate?

But on th eother, there was also the knowledge that we weren't inadequate, deep down we knew we could no longer cope, another week and my mum would have been in her own mental health ward with a nervous breakdown. And yes, there was also a tremendous sense of relief that the next day, we did not have to wake up to a bed soaked in urine, I didn't have to sit with my fingers in my ears to try to block out the sounds of dad shouting at mum whilst she got him dressed, and we did not face the prospect of having the entire day spent listening to rants and raves about what "those people next door" had got up to (in his latest paranoid fantasy). Both of us thought we would not be able to sleep, but in actuality, spent about a month sleeping 14-16 hours a night because the mental torture had been removed and our minds and bodies could finally try to repair the damage and exhaustion.

My dad died not long after being sectioned, from complications arising from fractured hip repair surgery following a fall in hospital (we were not surprised - as he had been starving himself and smoking eve rmore heavily, his health was very frail at that point) so we shall neve rknow what might have happened. I had already told the authorities that on no account was dad returning home, we would lock the doors! It had reached that point. The Ward Sister after looking after him for a few days agreed and said "you've been trying to cope for far too long" and yet curiously he was less challenging in hospital, possibly due to being away from the "evil neighbours"

Sectioing is never done lightly, and it requires either the Nearest Relative or a specialised social worker to apply for the order, and two doctors must agree.

A section 2 is called assessment, and the vast majority of people are initially sectioned under a 2 (there are others, but they are for emergencies). A section 2 lasts a maximum of 28 days, but can be shorter, during this time the person cannot leave hospital or refuse most forms of treatment.

If necessary, it can be migrated to a section 3 at the end of 28 days, a 3 lasts up to six months and can be renwed. Again, two doctors must agree to a 3.

WHoever is Nearest Relative (this would be his wife) will get some leaflets and a letter detailing what has happened, what can happen, and your dad's and mum's rights in the post within a few days.

 

[jaymor]

Hi and welcome from me too.

Sorry that his dreadful disease has invaded your life and put your Mum and Dad in such a bad place at the moment. I am also sorry that the nurses told you that they felt your Dad was intimidating them. That is wrong, they are the professionals there to observe and help your Father and the Doctors to get your Dad to where he is less tormented and calmer. They are not there to make you feel worse than you already do. Your Dad is in the right place. My husband went voluntarily into an assessment unit a very ill man and came out in a much better place with his disease. We were advised by the staff in the unit to visit as often as we could because we were the only part of home he would see for some weeks and he needed to know we were still there. Yes he would be upset when we went but they could deal with that and we were not too worry. Slowly over the nine weeks he stopped being upset when we left and was happy to see us the next day. But you and your Mum must do what you feel is the right thing for you. There can really never be a right or wrong way, people are different . Make sure Mum gets some rest and has some nice time away from the home whilst she has the opportunity.

Thinking of you,


Jay

 

[primarypat]

Hi Clairesymoo

I feel for you so much and people have already replied but I wanted you to know we are here for you and I hope you have managed to get some rest.

The conflicting feelings can be difficult to deal with but perfectly normal and understandable.

I have found great comfort from the site and reading about other people's situations help you to realise you are not alone.

All the best and specail thoughts for you and Mum and DAd.

PP

 

[supporter1]

Read you post and just wanted to say your not alone in dealing with this sort of thing and the inevitable emotional rollacoster .

We had a very similar situation, mum had a very hard time as did we. My father was sectioned and has had a long time inhospital. Things are moving on for him now thankfully .

For us as a family the hardest thing to deal with was the SW who basically told my mum that she 'had' to live with him again and that they would support her with that . My mum was really frightened and still is . Visiting in hospital has been a nightmare at times , dad has had to be physically restrained , he has been very intimidating both physically and verbally , he hates us all, has no understanding of why he is there , totally blames the family for intervening .........As you can imagine that SW's attitude on top of everything was difficult to deal with , thankfully now we have another SW but there are still issues relating to this to deal with in the long run.

The one thing that I have really come to understand is the stress that comes with all this , I feel like I have lost my dad to be honest his behaviour is just the disease and not him and I find I have to constantly remind myself of that and remember the good times and the wonderful relationship we used to have . I really hate this disease... it has robbed me of my dad

So your not alone , we are all experiencing the same emotions ... guilt , sadness, loss, stress...... the list goes on but the one thing that I have found is that this is not unusual , it seems to happen often and it is a path that we seem to have to walk .

 

[clairesymoo]

Thanks so much for your replies, TP is a lifeline.

Thanks to all of you for replying, I have only been able to post back it's been a really hard few days. We had a meeting at the hospital and the psychiatrist said dad was almost certainly going to be moved from hospital in the next few months to some sort of secure care. My mum and I are so relieved as she was petrified of having to live through more abuse. Poor dad is still being violent in hospital and is not responding to the meds. But the whole medical team have been brilliant and are reassuring us that he is in the right place for him. He is safe now, and so is mum.
Thanks again for your amazing understanding, it really helps to "talk" to others who have been there and bought the t-shirt xx

 

[DrD]

Early stages, ideas on getting them to the doctors??

Hi, apologies if this doesn't quite fit in with the thread but it's kind of related (if this is somewhere on another thread, can you please point me in the right direction?). Both my grandparents had Alzheimer's for the last 10+ years of their lives but they were well cared for and we could visit them weekly. We (my dad, brother and sister) think that mum may be showing early signs so want to get her a diagnosis ASAP either to set her/our mind at rest, or start with treatment. She's made doctors appointments previously, but backed out at the last minute as she's understandably scared and to some extent in denial. She's recently (this week) made a life changing decision in leaving my dad after 30+ years of marriage, and I don't know how much the fear of Alzheimer's may have influenced this. Emotions are obviously raw for everyone at the moment, so I'd appreciate any advice/thoughts on how to encourage mum to go to the doctors? This is a bit more tricky as whilst my brother and sister live close to my parents, I'm now resident in NZ so am trying to do this over the phone. Thanks for any help you can give.

 

[clairesymoo]

Getting them to the docs

Hi Dad was/is in denial so I phoned the docs and told them I thought he needed the Alz test but would not comply...the docs then phoned him and said he was booked in for a "health MOT" blood pressure check etc. Doctor took blood press etc then did the Alz test as a supposed "while you are here lets do this test". It worked, he was diagnosed following further tests a month or so later.
Good luck