Mum has just slapped the neighbour.....has anyone got any advice?

[TaraT]

My brother has just sent me a text message saying that the police had phoned because mum has slapped one of the neighbours. The problem is that mum just tries to get her cats in as she doesn't realise that cats like to roam around. This means that mum wanders across the neighbours gardens in search of her cats.

This neighbour argues with mum and in the past mum has thrown cat food at her. Again she called the police. I feel that the right thing to do is to call round to the neighbour, explain about the disease, and ask if she could just ignore mum rather than challenger her, as this is what makes her agitated. However I don't know the woman and I'm really nervous about doing this as I don't want a confrontation. Alternatively I was thinking of asking the police if they could help....

Actually I am really confused and I have no idea what to do next, could anyone help?

 

[Sox]

Hello Tara - I do not have much experience of this except a few years ago a Sister-in-law, who had had a brain aneurism became rather agitated and aggressive and my husband went to her local police station and explained the circumstances and they were most helpful and understanding. In fact they often got called out after this so of course knew why she was as she was. Could you perhaps try this then see if they thought it a good idea for you to speak to the neighbour. It would probably be best if the neighbours know what is happening anyway so that they could help if necessary.

Good luck - Sox

 

[Bedelia]

I think you should try to talk to the neighbour. Does your brother know them at all?

I'm sure if they understood, things would be a bit easier (for them too, as you can point out). The police can be helpful in crisis situations, but if this is an ongoing situation, I'd say better to try and sort it informally, if possible. If you've never met, perhaps take them a bottle of wine/box of chocs/pot plant as an "apology" to introduce yourself, even if you feel it's not your mum's fault; if you come in good faith bearing gifts, it's harder for them to reject your approach and they will hopefully listen.

Neighbours, if on side, can be very supportive. If you don't feel these are likely to be, you can at least establish contact so that they can call you or your brother if there's an incident and reduce the likelihood of things escalating to involve the police again. Hope this may help. All best.

 

[CeliaW]

I guess it depends what the neighbour is like but I do think the neighbour and the police should be made aware. Maybe phone the police back and ask if there is a community neighbourhood officer or whatever they are called in your area that could call round to you and then go with you to see neighbour to discuss once you have explained to the PCSO?

Sometimes it helps to have an uninvolved person there as, if they don't know the reason, the neighbour may well be understandably upset.

Good luck!

Celia

 

[TinaT]

Within two weeks of my arriving at the home I have since lived in for many years, I had the next door neighbour banging on my door telling me that my little, blind dog had wandered onto his garden and I had to come and clean up the mess. I duly did this for the next few times but knew that the size of the poo could not have come from my little dog but did not want to offend my new neighbours in any way. My little dog was 15 years old and I knew her poos intimately!!!:

I then saw another neighbour's two dogs go onto the next door lawn and poo. They were very large, elderly corgies - corgies have small legs but large sized bodies and the mystery of the poo was solved.

My husband suffered from dementia and every time the very angry young neighbour banged on the door and told me off in a loud voice it resulted in agitation and upset behaviour from my husband. I konocked on the next door neighbour's door one evening and told them that it wasn't my dog doing the pooing and they must have seen poo on the lawn before my arrival (I did not tell them that I had actually seen a neighbour's dog doing the evil deed as I did not want any fall out with any more neighbours). I also said that his banging on my door and loud voice was upsetting my husband very much who was suffering from dementia (the man already knew this).

The reaction from the young man was so severe and frightening, I ended up going to the police to ask for help. I was threatened by the young man , my dog was threatened, I was told the offending poo would be smeared over my windows if I didn't move it,. etc.c., etc., The police did come round and speak to the man and the harrasssment did stop but we have never sopken to each other from that day to this.


In view of my experience, I would have a word with the police rather than approaching the lady yourself and ask them to speak on your mother's behalf to her.

xxTinaT

 

[KatieB]

Hello Tara, we had a similar situation with my dad and one of his neighbours. He had been diagnosed with dmentia but was still driving and one day reversed into the neighbours' van. Within hours the neighbour was at the door accusing my dad of leaving he scene of an accident. My dad denied it, he had forgotten he'd even been out int he car never mind bashing another vehicle. We received a call from my dad saying the neighbout had threatetd him with the police and that he was very upset. In the end, my husband spoke to the neighbour and explained the situation and we sorted the whole mess out and our wallets a few hunmdred punds lighter. Relations with the neighbour have since been a little strained but there's nothign I can do about that. On another occassion my dad damaged another car this tme with a shopping trolley in a supermarket car park. The police were called and the officer was great, very understanding. He spoke to the car owner who was most sympathetic once he realised my dad was ill and not just an aggressive old man. Sometimes getting the police invoved, especially if you have a difficult situation, is a help.
Hope you get it all sorted.
Katie

 

[Chemmy]

I'd agree with the suggestion of involving the local community support officer. They're usually very used to dealing in situations such as these, and will be able to assess the attitude of the neighbour, which might be handy in the future.

If you google

safer neighbourhood (name of your town)

you should come up with a list of the local officers

 

[hopeful56]

Can I just put a slightly different perspective on this?

I think it is unreasonable to expect a neighbour not to react like this to being slapped, without knowing the history. I would also contact the police if any of my neighbours did that to me as it is an assault (as is the throwing cat food at her). Naturally, if I knew about potential problems in advance I could be more tolerant and not be so challenging. However, someone always has the right to be protected from violence, whoever is dishing it out, and has recourse to the law if necessary.

I really don't mean this to sound unkind and I am just so grateful that my mum never became violent or aggressive on her journey and is now far beyond that.

I think telling the police is a great idea so that, if they are called again, they will be in a better position to deal with it sympathetically and effectively.

J

 

[jenniferpa]

I have to say, I agree with hopeful56. Having dementia does not give anyone the right to assault another person. I'm also a bit concerned about your mother wandering like this (is this happening at night?)

You say the cats like to roam. Unfortunately that in itself can really upset people - they see them as predators who frighten their birds and make a mess in the garden.

 

[Witzend]

I think I would definitely go and see the neighbour, bearing an apologetic gift, as someone else has suggested, and explain as nicely as possible. If the person is unpleasant or uncooperative, at least you have tried.

Having said that, I don't think it would be reasonable to expect even the nicest of neighbours to tolerate either physical aggression or verbal abuse, whether it's down to dementia or not, unless it's a very rare occurrence.

 

[SWMBO1950]

Yes I agree with Witzend. Call in with say a bunch of flowers (if a lady) or maybe a bottle of something if a man and a profuse apology.

Violent behaviour should not be tolerated of course but we will never know what TaraT's mum felt by the neighbour challenging her. She may have been frightened or just confused poor woman.

I do hope when you explain the neighbour is understanding of the situation for the future and as has been said not to challenge her no matter how annoying it is. Not easy either way.

Very Best Wishes

I think I would definitely go and see the neighbour, bearing an apologetic gift, as someone else has suggested, and explain as nicely as possible. If the person is unpleasant or uncooperative, at least you have tried.

Having said that, I don't think it would be reasonable to expect even the nicest of neighbours to tolerate either physical aggression or verbal abuse, whether it's down to dementia or not, unless it's a very rare occurrence.

 

[louas1961]

I think the neighbour has every reason to phone the police ... i certainly would if someone slapped me or threw cat food at me, i would probably also call them if a neighbour was frequently wandering around in my garden ! You could contact both the police and neighbour but im not sure it would help ! Could you put a large fence between the 2 gardens so your mum cant get into the neighbours garden ? Maaybe you also need to speak to your mums doc about her behaviour, both the wandering and the slapping ? Good luck with it all.