sexy daddy

[Doreen Marie]

my dad who is 83 years old has been suffering from alzheimers for the past couple of years.
His geriatrician has been caring for him with love and patience.
The past couple of months there has been a change in dad, his sexual libido is up and he has been pestering my mother for sex. Mum who is 84 has turned him down and he was found masturbating by the full time Male nurse we have employed to care for him.
Two days ago, dad showed himself to the Male nurse and asked him to play with his penis.
Does anyone have any similar experience to share and any advice or tips to suggest for times when dad feels amorous which seems to be quite frequent, I would really appreciate hearing from you.
my mother is in denial , she cannot accept that all this is happening to dad which makes things doubly tough all round. I am reaching out for someone out there who can help ..............................

 

[jenniferpa]

Hi and welcome to Talking Point.

It's not often talked about (but it has been mentioned in the past) but it's not an unheard of thing to happen. There's a fact sheet here http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=129 that talks about this problem in part.

Has your mother been able to talk about this with his doctor? I do understand why she might not have felt able to but it's probably her best option if she needs help with this. Perhaps she might find it easier to write letter rather than doing it face to face?

 

[Nebiroth]

I think it more likely that his libido is unchanged but that he has become disinhibited.

There are medications that can help, so this needs to be referred to the GP.

 

[Katrine]

If your mum and dad no longer have sex together then he has probably always sought relief privately. I agree that the disinhibition has brought this to her attention and it must be very upsetting for her, particularly if she ceased to be sexually active herself some time ago. She might have thought that it was all in the past for him too.

The best thing to do is to remind him that it is a private activity. I suppose it is tricky if the carer is giving him personal care e.g. bathing, dressing. I am told by my mum's carers that male clients often ask for 'relief'. They try distraction but if the client is persistent or threatening they tell the agency that the client needs a male carer who will be physically able to fend off advances. Some male clients are big strong fellows so it is important that carers, whether male or female, should not be put at risk of assault. I suppose that is where medication has to be used.

 

[Big Effort]

Hi Doreen Marie,
I can see that this can be distressing for all concerned. I don't have direct experience with this so I cannot give a qualified reply. However just because a person has dementia doesn't mean their hormones and sexuality dies immediately. After all they still feel the other 'normal' urges like hunger, upset, cold and so forth.

I am not sure it is easy to reason with a person with dementia - I know I cannot reason with Mum. Useless and causes stress and distress for both of us. She won't change and I don't like that my best efforts at being reasonable are just worthless! My guess is it will be easier to reason with your Mum about this - she may be in a position to understand that sex is a strong drive and just because the person has dementia doesn't mean sexual feelings cease to exist.

As for the male nurse. I would have thought he should be used to this. If your Dad isn't hurting people, forcing himself or his needs on others, why should this source of pleasure and comfort be medicated away?

I hope I am not upsetting you by stating my views. I just think this is a human issue and we need to give him the leeway he deserves. He has lost his inhibitions...... just at a time when we are rediscovering ours.

As the others have said, there is always the medical route. Hope you find a happier solution for all concerned, BE

 

[Isabella41]

Hi Doreen Marie

I accept this must be terribly upsetting for your mum especially as she may have thought this part of her life was over. My mum is 84 and for her sex was something that she saw as duty and certainly not something I imagine she ever sought out. My late father on the other hand was a much more tactile person and I imagine spent alot of their marriage very frustrated.

If your father is masturbating in the privacy of his own room I really don't see a big problem. As other posters have said sex drive/desire is such a strong part of who we are and dementia does not lessen this. I'm sure the male carer has prior experience of this sort of thing. I think it only really becomes a major issue if your dad tries to masturbate in view of others. Forgive me if I offend you but if he is 'allowed' to do this freely in his own room he might be less inclined to pester your mother.

Again as others have said its probably more a case of loosened inhibitions rather than increased drive. My previously very prudish mother has made some pretty interesting statements since developing dementia. My late father would have been amazed by her!!

It does seem rather heavy handed to medicate for this. In the end it must come down to what you as a family feels is best. Has the care assistant you employ offered an opinion?

Isabella

 

[lin1]

Hello Welcome to TP

As has already been said, its probably because the natural inhibitions we have are now being lost by your Dad

My personal view is, if this is distressing your Mum , your Dads consultant, CPN or gp should be informed . It may well be that your mum may find it too embarrassing to mention to the doc's herself, if so maybe someone else could do this for her

I feel that if your Dad is told this is something you do in private
1 Dad may not understand
2 if he understands he will most likely forget
3 he could become distressed that he has been acting inappropriately

 

[MReader]

Hi

I have personal experience of this situation as my husband did the same with me - it is very upsetting & distressing & sometimes dangerous to be at the receiving end of this behaviour

I think that it was all part of dis-inhibition as he was making very rude/lewd suggestions & comments to anybody we came in contact with & would think nothing of showing himself in public & fondling me while we were out What worried me more than anything was that he would come up behind me when I was using a kitchen knife to prepare food & also while I was cooking at the stove - which was dangerous for us both

I spoke with his psychiatrist who prescribed Benperidol which did sort the problem out & make him more inhibited in his actions & speech also but the downside was that he ended up in hospital with tremors all over his body as a reaction to the drug By the time he was taken off it, his dementia had increased & now he is no longer interested in anything except food & sleeping!!!

He was not at all aware that he was doing anything untoward - even saying that I am his wife & he could do what he wanted to me when he wanted to !!! He would have been horrified at his behaviour as he was a true Gentleman before the dreaded dementia

I hope this may be of some help

Regards Miriam