Hello-this is my first post-I've been looking daily for a while but not had the courage to write and it also makes everything that's happening more of a reality somehow by writing about it.My husband was diagnosed with early Parkinsons and early Alzheimers a few months ago.We saw a neurologist and attended the memory clinic.He was diagnosed as functioning on a high level and put himself across as a "quiet reasonable gentleman" to the psychiatrist.So not true!He has always had a very controlling dominant personality with a quick temper and difficult moods but we have always put this down to the very difficult childhood he experienced.When he retired 4 years ago ,he started to have very violent active dreams and sometimes injured me.I asked him to go to the doctors but this just made him angry.Since then there have been behaviour changes that all the family were concerned about and I tried to talk to him about it when he was in a reasonable mood but he always said I was talking nonsense.He finally agreed to see the doctor when he developd tremors in his right hand and was then referred to the neurologist who also picked up on his cognitive decline.He has accepted the Parkinsons diagnosis but not the Alzheimers although he has been put on Exelon(which he may have to stop because of bad side effects).He is often really unkind to me and seems to have a bee in his bonnet about different family members-rude behaviour.He has always thought that he had a right to dispose of mine and our childrens property so when he started having his clearouts and things disappeared,(I started to hide everything because if I just put something down for a minute it just disappeared into thin air and he always denied any involvement and got sooo angry) it seemed like an exacerbation of his normal behaviour.Things have become really difficult lately-he has thrown away my daughters nursing portfolio containing 3 years of marked off skills attained at all her placements which needed to be presented to the exam board (he denies it) and she now cannot Qualify and has to do another year-she is distraught.I have just found that he has thrown away nearly all of the precious plants that I had in pots out in the garden-(hundreds of pounds worth that regrew each year) It would take so long to write down all the things and he is becoming more and more controlling.I also care for my lovely 96 year old mum who is oxygen dependant and bedridden-she lives with us - and our 20 year old son has learning difficulties and multiple medical problems,He communicates with Makaton and has the happiest and funniest of personalities.He is just recovering rom his 15th fracture (he has severe osteoporosis)and had major surgery when his femur broke twice within a year.He is a very brave young man.Looking after mum and my son is no problem but I am really struggling mentally with my husband-yet he is only in the early stages and I know that many who write here are dealing with so much more.Hope noone will mind me writing-just needed someone to talk to!
stressed wife
- Thread starter stressedwife
- Start date
Dear Stressed Wife
I thought I was having a rough time (not dementia stuff) but you have got so much to deal with my problems fade to nothing. I am so very sorry for your daughter, she must be hating him at the moment.
Can you ask for an assessment as I feel with that level of anger things are not going to be easy and you will need help.
I really wish I could do something to help you. I am just so very sorry you have to carry this load.
I thought I was having a rough time (not dementia stuff) but you have got so much to deal with my problems fade to nothing. I am so very sorry for your daughter, she must be hating him at the moment.
Can you ask for an assessment as I feel with that level of anger things are not going to be easy and you will need help.
I really wish I could do something to help you. I am just so very sorry you have to carry this load.
Hi Stressedwife - welcome to talking point.
I am so sorry that you are having a wretched time with your husband at the moment. You certainly have a lot to cope with with looking after your mum and son too.
Some of the best advice I have been given on her is to keep a diary/make a list of all the thing that are happening at home with your husband - when you've got so much going on and only a short appt at the docs/hospital its so easy to walk out thinking "I forgot to mention so and so".
I did exactly that and popped it into the doctors BEFORE we attended the appt so he had the heads up before we got there. I also composed a really long letter to the hospital when I felt things were not right with my mum (she was not the same person with me as she was with them) and they needed to know what was going in in the background. Information is power - the more they have the more they can try to help your husband which in turn will help you.
You know your husband better than anybody. I found it difficult to write some of the things that I did about my mum as I felt I was almost betraying her but at the end of the day you have your husbands best interests at heart - alerting others to what's happening can only help.
I am very sorry about your daughters work - she must be devestated.
And of course nobody minds you writing on here - we all need to offload and this forum is great for doing that. Keep posting - it really does help.
Wishing you well
x
I am so sorry that you are having a wretched time with your husband at the moment. You certainly have a lot to cope with with looking after your mum and son too.
Some of the best advice I have been given on her is to keep a diary/make a list of all the thing that are happening at home with your husband - when you've got so much going on and only a short appt at the docs/hospital its so easy to walk out thinking "I forgot to mention so and so".
I did exactly that and popped it into the doctors BEFORE we attended the appt so he had the heads up before we got there. I also composed a really long letter to the hospital when I felt things were not right with my mum (she was not the same person with me as she was with them) and they needed to know what was going in in the background. Information is power - the more they have the more they can try to help your husband which in turn will help you.
You know your husband better than anybody. I found it difficult to write some of the things that I did about my mum as I felt I was almost betraying her but at the end of the day you have your husbands best interests at heart - alerting others to what's happening can only help.
I am very sorry about your daughters work - she must be devestated.
And of course nobody minds you writing on here - we all need to offload and this forum is great for doing that. Keep posting - it really does help.
Wishing you well
x
Howawful for you all
you will find lots of support here and understanding
I came back from a couple of days away to discover a complete flower bed has been dug over, plants disposed of, lots of them were from my dad and various friends and relations I called it my memory bed now its almost as bad as my memory!
keep posting its such a good outlet
Sarah
you will find lots of support here and understanding
I came back from a couple of days away to discover a complete flower bed has been dug over, plants disposed of, lots of them were from my dad and various friends and relations I called it my memory bed now its almost as bad as my memory!
keep posting its such a good outlet
Sarah
There are many of us stressed people out here and I am very sorry to read the tale of your troubles. I'm sure the advice you have so far is correct: keep a log. Apart from helping the doctors etc look after your husband and you - it may help you keep your head round the situation. Some people find that by writing things down they dispose of them and the paper (or the internet) takes some of the load.
It is particularly important that you keep a record of violence as it is easy to lose sight of the fact that violence is not OK. And the loss of goods and assets and any precious things is obviously hard, to put it mildly.
I hope you can keep posting here and find it helpful as I do. I'm sure others will be along soon with their wisdom and practical experience.
It is particularly important that you keep a record of violence as it is easy to lose sight of the fact that violence is not OK. And the loss of goods and assets and any precious things is obviously hard, to put it mildly.
I hope you can keep posting here and find it helpful as I do. I'm sure others will be along soon with their wisdom and practical experience.
A warm welcome to TP, Stressed Wife. What an awful lot you have on your plate, you have my every sympathy, I just don't know how you're managing to cope. I'm so glad you plucked up the courage to post - I'm sure you'll receive lots of support and advice on this forum, like I have done. It really helps you to feel less alone and isolated. Sometimes just having a rant does you the world of good, even if no-one has any real answers at the time.
Your poor daughter, that made me draw in my breath; how devastated she must feel, it's totally understandable.
I know you said that looking after your lovely mum and son is no problem, but combined with what you have to cope with with your husband, it all adds to the responsibilities on your shoulders. Although I'm glad that your son brings you joy with his bubbly personality despite his difficulties, that's nice to hear!
No-one minds you writing at all, we're glad to meet you, although sad that you have to join us because of dementia. And there's usually someone here to talk to - even during the night there's the Wide Awake Club which is a thread you might find useful if you're having a sleepless night.
Just wanted to say hello, I have no real practical advice as I'm usually asking others for help myself, but just to say that you're not alone now that you've joined us.
Take care x
Your poor daughter, that made me draw in my breath; how devastated she must feel, it's totally understandable.
I know you said that looking after your lovely mum and son is no problem, but combined with what you have to cope with with your husband, it all adds to the responsibilities on your shoulders. Although I'm glad that your son brings you joy with his bubbly personality despite his difficulties, that's nice to hear!
No-one minds you writing at all, we're glad to meet you, although sad that you have to join us because of dementia. And there's usually someone here to talk to - even during the night there's the Wide Awake Club which is a thread you might find useful if you're having a sleepless night.
Just wanted to say hello, I have no real practical advice as I'm usually asking others for help myself, but just to say that you're not alone now that you've joined us.
Take care x
Dear Stressed wife,
This all sounds almost unbearable. Just wanted to add my words to the many wise ones before me. Haven't the domestic violence laws changed recently to include verbal abuse as well as physical abuse? No one should have to cope with any sort of abuse and your husband doesn't have the right to inflict it on you, whether he's unwell or not. Please seek help, maybe from the Alzheimer's Society?
XX
This all sounds almost unbearable. Just wanted to add my words to the many wise ones before me. Haven't the domestic violence laws changed recently to include verbal abuse as well as physical abuse? No one should have to cope with any sort of abuse and your husband doesn't have the right to inflict it on you, whether he's unwell or not. Please seek help, maybe from the Alzheimer's Society?
XX
Hello how nice to meet you. I am amazed by all the problems you have to cope with and you have my total admiration. I don't know how you cope with it all -keep posting, it does help.
I feel so sorry for your daughter - all that hard work thrown away - how awful, I can well understand how she must hate him at the moment. I do hope she is able to put her feelings to oneside and move on in her life.
I can only agree with the others - violence/aggression is not acceptable and you must tell your GP about it before it gets even worse. Like they say it is a very good idea to keep a diary because it is very easy to forget what happens, especially as you must be so busy. What a blessing you have such a wonderful son to keep your spirits up.
Keep posting and take care. Sox
I feel so sorry for your daughter - all that hard work thrown away - how awful, I can well understand how she must hate him at the moment. I do hope she is able to put her feelings to oneside and move on in her life.
I can only agree with the others - violence/aggression is not acceptable and you must tell your GP about it before it gets even worse. Like they say it is a very good idea to keep a diary because it is very easy to forget what happens, especially as you must be so busy. What a blessing you have such a wonderful son to keep your spirits up.
Keep posting and take care. Sox
so grateful for support
Thank you so much to everyone who responded to my ramblings-I didn't expect so much understanding and kindness-even down to understanding my sadness at losing my plants-yes -they all held memories of people and places and had been lovingly nurtured for years.My daughter has to repeat a whole year of training and without bursary but at least she has another chance-our gp wrote them a very good letter and they have tried to be fair.She doesn't hate her dad but has a lot of very mixed emotions.Ironically-while I was writing this-the phone rang and I have someone coming to do an assessment.It's not the first one I have had but it will give me a chance to update them on my husband's diagnosis.Mum came here to live 4 years ago straight from hospital when her health really declined-she is a feisty,cheerful and lovely mum and we have had numerous crisis but so far she has managed to soldier on .My son has been in and out of hospital from birth-he has the most amazing disposition-tolerates much pain with little complaint and a very affectionate and eccentric personality.The Social Worker told me that I became officially recognized as a carer when mum came here and entitled to a grant(which I used for some treatments for my back problems).I appreciated that but I told her (politely)that Ifound it really insulting because I have been a carer since my lad was born 20 years ago-he had renal surgery at 3 months,6 months and 16 months and much surgery since-constant hospital visits-sorry-I digress!!!!The advice to keep a diary and maybe write to the consultant is helpful thank you.The psychiatrist expects you to say all these things in front of the person.My husband would keep all calm in front of the doctor and then explode at me when alone I know.How can they be so clever in front of professionals and so different behind closed doors!? On a humorous note-a good friend who has worked for years with elderly memory impaired folk recently sent me what looked to be some very helpful advice on coping strategies.I left it in the envelope as I didn't want my husband to see it and get upset and put it with some other paperwork on the table until I had time to sit and read it through .You all know what I'm going to say-yes-in just a few hours it's completely disappeared(I should have put it in a drawer)!!!What a strange world we live in-thank you again to you all-thinking of you too.
Thank you so much to everyone who responded to my ramblings-I didn't expect so much understanding and kindness-even down to understanding my sadness at losing my plants-yes -they all held memories of people and places and had been lovingly nurtured for years.My daughter has to repeat a whole year of training and without bursary but at least she has another chance-our gp wrote them a very good letter and they have tried to be fair.She doesn't hate her dad but has a lot of very mixed emotions.Ironically-while I was writing this-the phone rang and I have someone coming to do an assessment.It's not the first one I have had but it will give me a chance to update them on my husband's diagnosis.Mum came here to live 4 years ago straight from hospital when her health really declined-she is a feisty,cheerful and lovely mum and we have had numerous crisis but so far she has managed to soldier on .My son has been in and out of hospital from birth-he has the most amazing disposition-tolerates much pain with little complaint and a very affectionate and eccentric personality.The Social Worker told me that I became officially recognized as a carer when mum came here and entitled to a grant(which I used for some treatments for my back problems).I appreciated that but I told her (politely)that Ifound it really insulting because I have been a carer since my lad was born 20 years ago-he had renal surgery at 3 months,6 months and 16 months and much surgery since-constant hospital visits-sorry-I digress!!!!The advice to keep a diary and maybe write to the consultant is helpful thank you.The psychiatrist expects you to say all these things in front of the person.My husband would keep all calm in front of the doctor and then explode at me when alone I know.How can they be so clever in front of professionals and so different behind closed doors!? On a humorous note-a good friend who has worked for years with elderly memory impaired folk recently sent me what looked to be some very helpful advice on coping strategies.I left it in the envelope as I didn't want my husband to see it and get upset and put it with some other paperwork on the table until I had time to sit and read it through .You all know what I'm going to say-yes-in just a few hours it's completely disappeared(I should have put it in a drawer)!!!What a strange world we live in-thank you again to you all-thinking of you too.
Hello Stressedwife, just wanted also to send you a warm welcome to Talking Point, and so pleased you have found this forum so supportive, as we all do, much understanding here on the problems we face on our journey into the exclusive world of dementia and life in general, and how so much sadness we have as carers when our world is turned upside down and our memories are thrown away! I cannot add to what has already been said on here but please keep posting as and when you want to or need to. My very best wishes- Chris x
