Watching someone die

pippin_fort

Registered User
Sep 8, 2010
48
0
Over the last few years I have been through and seen so much, but what I now have to face is beyond awful. My father has been safely ensconced in a small continuing care unit for nearly a year and I have made a number of friends over that period. My dear father and two others recently suffered from chest infections. One of them is now back to his old self, my father's chest infection has now recovered after a second series of antibiotics, but he has been diagnosed with failure of the swallowing mechanism. The third gentleman has stopped eating and is now fading away before my eyes. Whilst my father has some good days he mainly has bad and seems to be able to choke on almost anything. They have put him on a soft diet and are thickening his drinks but having talked to my GP I fear that he will have another chest infection any time now that will take him as it is likely that he will inhale the food that he has forgotten to swallow ( which he regularly does). They may sort him out with antibiotics a few times more or not. I get tearful and have to swallow hard when I try to hug his stiff self ( He has a motor neuron's type of dementia). He has no speech at all and cannot even smile. He has fallen so many times recently I have lost count. I even saw blood coming out of his eye on one occasion. I always try to smile and enliven the unit whilst I am there and am told that they all think I am a marvelous daughter, but they do not know that I go home and ball my eyes out. Now I am witnessing my friend's husband fade away before my eyes and I can't bear it. She opens her heart to me and I can't bear it for her. How will I cope when he does die, which I fear will be any day now? I am a very emotional person, which has probably saved me from great depression, but this is just hideous. What can I say to a woman whose husband is dying? Any advice would be welcomed. I know my father's day is not too far away too.

Sorry for the sad message.
 

AlsoConfused

Registered User
Sep 17, 2010
1,952
0
You're there for your Dad, being a marvellous daughter to him and lightening his remaining time on earth.

You're there for your friend, caring about her distress and wanting to do whatever you can to ease her pain.

You're doing everything that can be done - and it's of enormous comfort to the person helped.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,447
0
Kent
There are no words to say to help your friend pippin_fort, she will have to live through her experience as you will have to live through yours.

We cannot make tragedy and bereavement less painful, we need to feel the pain in order to give the experience the respect it deserves.

Sympathy and understanding, together with support and continued friendship is all you can give.

I am so sorry for anyone in this devastatiung situation.
 

rajahh

Registered User
Aug 29, 2008
2,790
0
Hertfordshire
I am facing the death of my husband too. He has prostate cancer but we have said no to treatment as he has Alzheimers, plus other medical problems.

To me the quality of life is the important thing, not the quantity.

What do you say to your friend, my answer would probably to say nothing, just hug her and hold her hand, listen to her, take your lead from her.

As for saying goodbye to your father, much the same really, hold his hand, look him in the ey and say I love you, even if it is only with your eyes.

Saying goodbye is hard, but struggling and fighting to keep someone alive can in fact be cruel.

I sincerely hope I amnot upsetting you by this response, I can only speak from my own heart and I too am very emotional, and shed tears too, but I know my husband does not want treatment, so am honouring his wishes, and proving my love for him.

I do pray that your father and your friend's husband have a peaceful end, as I also wish for my husband.

Jeannette
 

pippin_fort

Registered User
Sep 8, 2010
48
0
I tell my father that I love him every single time I leave him just in case it is the very last time. What comforts me is that he can still kiss me and very occasionally he mutters not words just a sound. I will never have any regrets. Thank you for your words and I wish you much strength and love.
 

TinaT

Registered User
Sep 27, 2006
7,097
0
Costa Blanca Spain
I have recently been through something very similar and can only echo what other posters have said. We are given these dark times and somehow we have to have the strength to carry on and help our dear friends carry on when they need to lean on us. You sound like a friend I would like to lean on now and again. I'm sure your friend will be doing the same for you when you need the same love and support.

Take care and keep up your strength and courage. Reality is a very hard thing to bear and you seem to be facing it with a lot of fortitude.

xxTinaT
 

gringo

Registered User
Feb 1, 2012
1,188
0
UK.
gringo.

What a distressing time you are having, all I can do is say hold on and tell you I could wish for a daughter like you. Sometimes I wish that some of these posts could have a wider circulation to let others get some idea of what some people have to live through and how well they deal with it.
 

Big Effort

Account Closed
Jul 8, 2012
1,927
0
Hello there Pippin Fort,
I think you will be just marvellous, a marvellous daughter as Gringo pointed out, and a marvellous, steadfast friend when your friend needs you most. It is obvious from your post that you are a great communicator, and the world needs emotional people. Most of us are far too buttoned up and politically correct when it comes to death. I vote for sincerity - not just making standard noises of sympathy.

My advice is to take each step when it comes. Death is so hard to predict. Is it possible to prepare for? Can we plan how we ought to react? You are managing so amazingly well now (in the present), so why stress yourself so much now by worrying about the future.

I agree with other posters that it is good you have friends through the home, and good your friends have you. What will be, will be. And you will be your marvellous, emotional, communicative self. Lucky Dad and lucky friends in having you!
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,958
0
Brixham Devon
I am a very emotional person said:
I am so very sorry that you are having to face this.To be emotional when faced with this trauma is perfectly normal.I'm a great weeper myself!However, I do think that people who let go of their emotions recover quicker from the death of a loved one. Holding it all in could leave problems later on.As for your friend and what to say. Just hold her hand and hug her. Sometimes words are not needed apart from 'if ever you need me day or night I'm here for you' You will be strong for her and yourself when the time comes.I'm crying now as I type this as I think of what I will have to face with my Husband,Pete.Everyone on TP can sympathise with you. Keep posting and have a hug from me. Much love and concern Lyn T
 

FifiMo

Registered User
Feb 10, 2010
4,703
0
Wiltshire
Hiya Pippin_Fort,

Like everyone else has said, whilst you might not feel it yourself, you are already providing much strength and support to those around you. In my experience it is a privilidge to accompany someone on the final part of their journey here on earth. Your very presence will make your dad feel that he is not alone. He knows of your love for him and he will be able to pass knowing that things have not been left unsaid or undone. From your perspective, this is the last period of time where you will be able to do things for your dad. You know what his needs are. When you ought to speak quietly to him. When you ought to sit quietly by his side offering him the knowledge of your support. There is nothing more that your dad could ask of you.

The same goes for your friend who is going through the same situation. At times like this people react in different ways. Some need to talk about things almost to reassure themselves that they have done all they can. Sometimes to just talk because they have someone there that will listen. You can't talk if you're on your own. Then again, others prefer to not have to speak. Maybe they don't like the emotion that can arise if they start putting things into words. That too is ok. As a friend the biggest thing that you can do is to be there. Give of your time. Take your lead from your friend. Talk, sit in silence, shed some tears together. No matter what it is, it will be the right thing for you to do.

I wish you and your dad and the other people who are going through this, lots of peace and comfort at this time.

Fiona
 

zeeeb

Registered User
sometimes you just have to listen... and try not to fix it. because you can't. not ideal, but it's the truth. It hurts, and it helps having a friend to talk to. but no matter what you do or say, you can't fix death. it is what it is.

Know in your heart you are a good person, doing the right thing, and trying your best to be there for your family and your friend.