My husband started his first ever week in respite on Monday afternoon. He is the love of my life. It took me a very long time to accept any help and I am still wobbling, terrified that he might think I have put him in respite because I do not love him any more.
My husband needs help 24/7 and cannot be left at all. Counting day care and a paid carer and Crossroads I have 19 hours help per week. There are 168 hours in a week so I care for him the remaining 149 hours. That sounds as though I resent it; I do not, these are just the facts. There is no other family on hand to help care for my husband. I am also a carer for my dad who lives independently six miles away. Dad does not have dementia but has severe rheumatoid arthritis such that he can only walk a very short distance, has has several strokes and heart attacks and needs to be taken to the hospital once or twice a month as well as other visits of course. I love my dad too.
When I left my husband at the respite on Monday it was so hard to walk away. He was so good about being left and made no fuss at all. As I walked out my heart was pounding and I felt I might faint. I had a little weep in the car before driving home. They were very kind at the respite and said they would ring me every day to let me know how he was getting on. I was really anxious as to how they might settle him at night and how he would manage at mealtimes as he needs a lot of help. The first night I did not fall asleep until 4.00 am worrying.
They called yesterday afternoon. He had settled well at night, was eating his meals and had joined in a cookery session. He was just being helped into his outdoor clothes so that he could go for a walk to the local pharmacy with the carers and another full time resident who has a dog. They say he has been asking for me but is OK when they tell him I will be back to collect him in a few days.
I feel so relieved. My main reason for accepting the respite was that my husband is so dependant on me that I worry what will happen if I have an accident or illness and cannoy care for him for a while. My hope was that if he survives the respite OK I will nominate this place in a contingency plan so at least there will be a safety net.
I had not thought about me. I was trying to remember when I last was not with him for 24 hours and the answer is October 2003 when he was still working on a part time consultancy basis and was away for a conference. On his way back from the conference he had an accident with the car where he hit a post at a motorway services and wrote off the car. Unknown to us at the time this was the beginning of his dementia which started by affecting his vision. He has not needed 24/7 care all this time but has become more and more dependant as the AD has progressed and has been unable to be left at all for over a year now. It is only since he has gone into the respite that I have begun to realise how tired I am. If you had asked me last week I would have denied it.
The fear monster is still nagging me that it is early days and it could all go pear shaped.
I was at a Caring with Confidence Course and I told them that I felt I left it too late before I admited I needed any help in the form of day care for my husband and I had been a fool to myself. Now it has dawned on me that maybe I have been in the same sort of denial about respite.
Accepting outside help does not mean I love him any less, but it does give me a boost which hopefully makes it possible for me to be the best and most loving carer I can be when I get him back
With fingers crossed it all continues to go smoothly
Tre
My husband needs help 24/7 and cannot be left at all. Counting day care and a paid carer and Crossroads I have 19 hours help per week. There are 168 hours in a week so I care for him the remaining 149 hours. That sounds as though I resent it; I do not, these are just the facts. There is no other family on hand to help care for my husband. I am also a carer for my dad who lives independently six miles away. Dad does not have dementia but has severe rheumatoid arthritis such that he can only walk a very short distance, has has several strokes and heart attacks and needs to be taken to the hospital once or twice a month as well as other visits of course. I love my dad too.
When I left my husband at the respite on Monday it was so hard to walk away. He was so good about being left and made no fuss at all. As I walked out my heart was pounding and I felt I might faint. I had a little weep in the car before driving home. They were very kind at the respite and said they would ring me every day to let me know how he was getting on. I was really anxious as to how they might settle him at night and how he would manage at mealtimes as he needs a lot of help. The first night I did not fall asleep until 4.00 am worrying.
They called yesterday afternoon. He had settled well at night, was eating his meals and had joined in a cookery session. He was just being helped into his outdoor clothes so that he could go for a walk to the local pharmacy with the carers and another full time resident who has a dog. They say he has been asking for me but is OK when they tell him I will be back to collect him in a few days.
I feel so relieved. My main reason for accepting the respite was that my husband is so dependant on me that I worry what will happen if I have an accident or illness and cannoy care for him for a while. My hope was that if he survives the respite OK I will nominate this place in a contingency plan so at least there will be a safety net.
I had not thought about me. I was trying to remember when I last was not with him for 24 hours and the answer is October 2003 when he was still working on a part time consultancy basis and was away for a conference. On his way back from the conference he had an accident with the car where he hit a post at a motorway services and wrote off the car. Unknown to us at the time this was the beginning of his dementia which started by affecting his vision. He has not needed 24/7 care all this time but has become more and more dependant as the AD has progressed and has been unable to be left at all for over a year now. It is only since he has gone into the respite that I have begun to realise how tired I am. If you had asked me last week I would have denied it.
The fear monster is still nagging me that it is early days and it could all go pear shaped.
I was at a Caring with Confidence Course and I told them that I felt I left it too late before I admited I needed any help in the form of day care for my husband and I had been a fool to myself. Now it has dawned on me that maybe I have been in the same sort of denial about respite.
Accepting outside help does not mean I love him any less, but it does give me a boost which hopefully makes it possible for me to be the best and most loving carer I can be when I get him back
With fingers crossed it all continues to go smoothly
Tre