Help - don't know what to do next!!!!

[MJay]

Hi, I'm a first timer. I've read many of the threads and have found the support fantastic and have found answers to some of my problems.

But today is a new situation and I wondered if there was anyone out there who can suggest which direction I go in next. My Dad has mixed dementia (AD/VD) and his decline has up until recently been steady. At the beginning of August he went to stay in a home for 10 days to allow me and my family to go on a much needed holiday. Since he's been home his memory and general mood have really declined. So much so that he has now had his care stopped because he has 'attacked' the carers - this last week has been a litany of aggression, grabbing the carers, falling over , accusing people of things, saying that I've been ignoring him - only because I've been ill and like many on TP my own mental health is suffering too.

I received a call today from the carers saying that the lady who had gone in had left after he was very agressive and told her to get out (it seems it was caused by him refusing to take his tablets). She was reluctant to go back at lunchtime, but was persuaded and my longsuffering husband went to his house to be there too. He observed my dad's awful behaviour and not suprisingly we have been advised that care has been suspended until he has been assessed by a GP. Being the weekend we've had to contact out of hours services -my husband has now been waiting nearly 7 hours for the GP to arrive. What happens then? We can't keep going to my Dad's to do the carer's job, especially during the week, and we've got our kids too.

Does this suggest that I'm going to have to start looking for suitable care homes? It's harder too as I'm an only one, so no family support. Friends are great at listening, but I don't want them to constantly hear about my problems with Dad - they're all fortunate to have parents in fairly good health and have both parents still around.

Any advice would be gratefully accepted. Thanks

 

[jan.s]

I would look first at a urine test - sounds very much to me like dad has a uti. If that is the case, antibiotics will change everything within a couple of days.

Sadly urine infections cause all kinds of problems, from confusions to aggression, non compliance, in fact, my husband has one just now, and for the last 2 days he has obviously felt pretty rough. Today I met a very different man.

I hope this helps.

Jan

 

[Shash7677]

Welcome to TP Mjay, it's a great place for help, advice and to get it all off your chest.

I agree with Sue.s about the UTI, it may be that after a few days antibiotics he is back to his none aggressive self. They do horrible things to people. I'd also maybe see if he is dehydrated at all as this can lead to people being even more confused than normal. Everyone thought my nan had lost it god love her but she was very very dehydrated.

It's hard when you are an only one, I have a brother who may as well not exist and even my dads starting to get a bit excuse worthy when it comes to mum.

Keep your chin up and definitely push for a UTI test, it's a pee and a dipstick so nothing major but then in sure you know that.

Take care and keep us posted, you may be an only one but please don't feel as though you are on your own.

Sharon
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[Shash7677]

Jan.s so sorry, no idea why I changed your name to sue! It's been a hard week ;-)

 

[jan.s]

Jan.s so sorry, no idea why I changed your name to sue! It's been a hard week ;-)

I answer to most things!!

 

[madala]

Agree with others urine infection can cause all kinds of problems ,if possible get a sample whilst your dad is quiet and calm ready for medical people to check.Hope the GP as arrived seems a long time to have to wait
Take care hope it all works out ok for you MADALA

 

[MJay]

Thank you so much for the support. The GP finally arrived at 9.30pm and Dad is clear medically. But because of his behaviour has got to be reassessed as carers are still not prepared to go in. Poor hubby is shattered having done the looking after all weekend. Tomorrow is the assessment day and hopefully some interim 'emergency' care. Am half hoping they say care home, but the other half knows that we've always seen care home as the last resort, so will be glad to get tomorrow over.

 

[FifiMo]

Hiya MJay,

When you say tomorrow is assessment day, who is doing the assessing tomorrow? Given the aggression etc. I would have thought that a residential assessment would have been required with a view to perhaps seeing if the behaviours could be managed with medication, but hey ho, that's just my view. I also wanted to say for you and your husband to be careful about any assessments in that, if they think that the family are available to step in at the drop of a hat, then they might look to you both as being a big part of the solution. Please make sure that you put down specific details as to what the boundaries are of your ability to be involved on a day to day basis. If you feel that the assessment tomorrow is insufficient, then think about pushing for a longer period of assessment in a residential setting.

In terms of information gathering, it might be worthwhile phoning the home where he was for respite and explain the situation to them and ask how he was when he was there on respite. Were there any encounters say with other residents that might have started this kind of response perhaps? Were there any incidents there with carers perhaps? When my mother moved into her care home although the people were lovely, it was not like the carers at home that she'd had previously. In the home they were obviously under pressure to attend to everyone so the system was rather more brusque than the carers at home who were far more casual in their approach. I'm wondering if your dad maybe felt that he was more "bossed around" in the home and is now rebelling against all carers.

Hope the assessment goes well and that your dad gets the support and help that he needs.

Fiona

 

[Shash7677]

I hope all goes well for your dad and you tomorrow Mjay.

Sometimes a CH is necessary not just for the sufferer but the carers (you) too. My mum is 67 and she is now in a nursing home as she has severe AD. Dad nor I could cope with her anymore, we never even got to the point of carers coming in as we knew, because of her behaviour and aggressiveness they would refuse.

We got to a point where she was hitting dad and me and trying to strangle me! She would wander off and refuse to get in the car with anyone, she was gone for 4 hours in the pouring rain just before she really kicked off and was brought home by the police (2nd time they'd done this). I wish now in hindsight we had looked into a care home for mum sooner as we were literally at crisis point, she went into a psychiatric assessment unit as an emergency admission for 8 weeks before she could go to a CH.

I think what I'm trying to say is please don't get to the point dad and I were at before we did anything to help mum. Sometimes we have to admit defeat, we know we have done everything we can for our loved ones and your right, it was a last resort for us but it shouldn't have been.

I hope you manage to help your dad without a CH but like I say, don't hot rock bottom like we did before you consider it.

Take care and keep us posted, not everyone has horror stories like mine and I'm sorry if I've spoken out of turn, I just wanted to share my worst case scenario with you, I hope this is ok.

Sharon
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