Life after caring

[madala]

I,ve not posted for some time ,been tired up with 24/7 cover for my wife , Sadly she passed away in june I am now at a complete loss as to what to do with my time .
I find it difficult to stay in the house during the day and lonely in evenings and night I know it will get worse with the dark nights as i,ve always been a light person
I still attend the monthly Alz. meetings and memory cafe which are a help,but miss her very much even though she had not been able to talk for about 3 vears but she always had a big smile on her face for anyone who came into contact with her ,I miss her presence very much and would still love to be caring for her.
Love and best wishes to all carers and take care MADALA

 

[Daisy48]

Hi Madala
Oh I feel for you I really do.It's lovely that you still feel that you could carrying on caring...it's such an exhausting time.
I'm glad that you still go to the meetings,perhaps you can offer help and advice to the others as well as getting support yourself.
Take care

 

[Pheath]

Dear Madala
So sorry to hear about the loss of your wife, it must still feel very raw and the way you describe her, she sounded lovely. Caring for a loved full-time is incredibly intense and it’s not uncommon for people to feel bereft when it comes to an end suddenly. Even though it’s such a difficult role it does still give life a purpose, to feel so needed and depended upon.
The shortening of the days can feel hard as hibernation instinct often sets so it would be great if you can find something that might appeal to you and encourage you to go out. Just some ideas but voluntary work eg. at a local charity shop is a nice way to meet people and keep busy, hours are often flexible, also evening or day classes if you have a college nearby. The library often holds prospectus’ as well as other adverts for local activities/ groups. Take care and hope everything works out well for you

 

[Grannie G]

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife Madala. I wish I could offer words of wisdom but can only offer sympathy.

 

[muriel.elliott]

Hi Madala,
I am so sorry to read your thread. I can really understnad how you feel. I lost Bryan 17 months ago and still miss him so much. As you say you would give anything to still be caring for your wife. Although it was so hard.
The way i deal with it is i keep myself very busy. I do not know if you have read any of my threads but i love to be in the garden where i feel closer to bryan. I do all sorts of hobbies and go to visit friends, family etc. I do not know if you have family, but i am sure you have friends who are giving you a lot of support. Do not give up on them.
The evenings and nights are worse, but you can always come on here and just tell us how you are feeling. We all understand, been there, done that as they say. We do all understand.
Love and hugs Muriel xx

 

[Helen33]

Dear Madala,

I am so sorry for your loss. I was a carer for my late husband, Alan, and I know what it was like for me when he died.

I realised that caring had taken over my life and all my energies/time were spent in caring itself or caring related subjects. When the caring was over I had all this energy with nowhere to go!!!! I remember thinking that I needed to find ways to re-invest this energy/time. It actually meant that I had to consider how I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

It wasn't an easy time but gradually I took the courage and joined a new canoe club. I used to go canoeing until Alan needed the time. Something told me not to go back to the old club but to go forward. I found a new club and it proved to be wonderful for me at that time. Water folk are really friendly and warm and I soon discovered new friends. I also started a t'ai chi class which I did one evening a week.

Eventually I was fortunate enough to meet someone very special so my life has taken a different turning.

I do wish you well as you experience bereavement. There is a Bereavement Section of TP which you might find supportive. Unfortunately, it is a growing section but the plus side is that there is quite a lot of support and input.

Love

 

[Izzy]

I'm so sorry to read of your loss Madala.

 

[Butter]

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your wife. The way you describe your loss makes so much sense to me. It must be sad and painful moment by moment.

 

[jaymor]

So sorry to hear of your loss. It is difficult when full time care is no longer undertaken. My husband is still alive but is now in care so I now have time on my hands. My hobby of papercrafting which I loved and had to stop because of the caring role at the moment holds no pleasure for me to crattroom door is closed. May get my mojo back, may not. I have returned to walking but like Helen33 chose to change where and with who I walked. I now go on guided walks with AgeUK and have met a new circle of friends and am thoroughly enjoying it. I have done a short course on healthy eating and am actually doing at home all the things I did on the course. Great because I had started buying the ready meals for the microwave despite having two freezers full of food. Cooking for one was not happening. I am trying to think of other things to do aswell. I visit my husband daily and when I come home I think this is not how I want it to be but he is where he should be and I should be clawing back a little of my life that stopped just over 7 years ago. Good friends are still around but they have their own social lives and yes I can be part of that now, but I feel I have to start something new. Do things that we never did as a couple and that will stop me thinking it was better when there was two of us. Maybe we can all give suggestions of things that can be done that are a bit different and will keep anyone busy and able to fill some time. I have also started talking to new members who come to our monthly meeting. They are so lost and so upset and don't know what the future holds. One lady last week came with her husband who has dementia and when telling us a little about herself broke down crying saying she was so cross with him all the time. There was not one carer at the meeting who had never been cross at some time or other and she needed to know this. So maybe helping other people travel the journey is something to do. She certainly walked out of the meeting room a bit happier than when she arrived. Hopefully over the months to come I and any one else there can help and ease her mind that she can do it and like on here, get support from those who understand.
Do hope you start to feel better quite soon but I know it must be difficult. Dementia makes us have to face grieving twice for the same person.


Hugs Jay

 

[madala]

Thank you all for your messages and support all very much appreciated . I have a son 2 daughters and grandchildren they all live at least 2 1/2 hrs away but i do try to visit ,they are missing their mum very much.The both lots of olympic,s were a great help as we went a lot of events together .i am trying to occupy my time being invoved with various sports and carers groups but still finding it hard .
Once again thank you all for your kind word and advice I will be spending more time on TP now and hopefully able to pass on useful advice

Love nd Best wihes to you all MADALA

 

[Butter]

Your advice will be needed. Unfortunately we all need help coping with bereavement.