Visiting mum with young children

[Anne P]

Hi all,

Just wondering if anyone has any ideas for visiting my mum with small children? Mum is 66 and has early onset. My dad and I made the difficult decision to put her into care in April, mainly because he was unable to cope at home. Mum had become aggressive and also doubly incontinent. I have two small children, max who is 4 months and Alex who is .3 year old. I have taken max, who is a very calm little chap and it has been fine. But I do have reservations about Alex, he is a normal 3 year old and pretty boisterous! She did become unsettled around him, plus now there are others in the Emi unit and I am not sure how they would respond, also would Alex become upset? I suppose maybe I want to take them more for me than her??? It is difficult to get childcare and finding time to visit is restricted by this. I really want them to know her, but as she is not really herself most of the time is this just silly?

I do feel pulled by my commitment to mum and my family, life is pretty hectic and I don't seem to be able to give anyone enough time. I want to be there for mum but this is at the detriment of my kids and husband. I would go every day if I could, just to sit with her and reassure her. She was a fantastic mum, always there for us and I want to Be there For her too. In some senses the thought of her there alone wondering where her family is haunts me.

Any advice on how to deal would be really appreciated!

Anne x

 

[Pheath]

Can’t offer a huge amount of advice except to say that my dad who is advanced stage and can also be volatile mood-wise absolutely loves it when my sister-in-law brings her 1 ½ yr old to visit. In fact it’s the one thing that’s guaranteed to put a smile on his face but he has always loved children and even pre-dementia would wave and make funny faces at them. They tend to go into a separate lounge just so some of the other residents don’t get disturbed as she was told the noise could agitate some of the people. Funnily he gets aggravated by many noises but doesn’t mind the noise of children! However it’s just a mixed residential home rather than a EMI unit so quite a homely environment and many of the residents aren’t as bad as him. If your mum has previously found it unsettling with the 3yr old then if it’s at all possible to just go with the baby although appreciate how difficult it is with regards childcare, otherwise as Chemmy says, you could try again taking the 3yr old with your dad there as a back-up babysitter It must be very hard juggling everything and can see why you feel so torn.

 

[Chemmy]

Hello Anne

If your mum is like my mum, she would have wanted you to put your family first.

As for taking the children in - babies (and well behaved dogs) seem to bring out a really positive emotional response in the residents at Mum's CH. Young children too as long as they don't start getting out of hand.

I'd say play it by ear. Take the children (and perhaps your dad as an extra minder?) but be prepared to leave as soon as Alex gets bored. Perhaps your dad you take him round the block for a walk or off to a quiet part of the CH to play a game?

At the end of the day, your mum is still your dad's responsibilty so if she needs company, perhaps he's the person who should be expected to provide it. If he finds conversation difficuult, could he take in an activity like dominos or snakes and ladders so he has something to do and talk about when he's there?

 

[ggma]

I took my daughter and young grandchildren in to see Mum when they were visiting as my daughter was close to her grandmother. The children were really good and all the residents seemed to like seeing the children, we did go to Mum's room and look at photo's etc to keep the children from feeling overpowered, so the suggestion of a quiet lounge or another room might be a good one.

Could you take some crayons and colouring or puzzels for the 3 year old so he feels more comfortable and has a diversion.

The only other suggestion is if it is not too far to travel, more visits of shorter periods probably work best, and would be a way of keeping in touch with your Mum.

 

[zeeeb]

I find that my grandma in law isn't interested in kids at all, but plenty of others in the common areas love them and tempt them over, give them chocolates, talk to them, ask them questions etc.

Your children will gravitate to those who are interested in them.

I love all the old ladies who try and get them to come over so they can talk to them. Oh, isn't he a beautiful little boy. Yes, the one in the pink dress? Yes just beautiful. They crack me up. Everyone thinks they are boys! My girls were a real hit at the home when they were little. Nice to see some of the oldies just light up and come alive.

 

[Padraig]

From personal experience; children are far better than many adults at communicating as are dogs.

 

[Shash7677]

Hi,

My mum is 67 and in a CH suffering from severe dementia.

I take my 18 month old to see her and she loves it, so to do all the other lovely old dears in the home. It's very therapeutic, so I've been told to have children around. I don't however take my 7 and 5 year olds.

Mum can't cope with my 2 older boys, she constantly tells them off and it's distressing for them, they've seen her once in 5 weeks. I don't think she can quite understand that where she is is her home, she sees them as messing around somewhere, in someone else's house and they must behave.

My nan in law was in a nursing home, she had mild dementia and had also had a stroke, she was 86 when she went in and loved having all the great grandchildren around. They are 6months, 18months, 5,6,7,15 and 18! Again all the other residents loved seeing the kids.

I think it depends really, if the person was starting to get intolerant of the children at home then is definitely advise against it, this was how my mum was and in the CH it was 100 times worse but then everyone is different.

Let us know how it goes x

 

[jaymor]

Our youngest grandson (8 months) goes to visit my husband and sits on granddads lap. Granddad has no idea who he is but loves to have him on his lap. Our three year old great grandson loves to go and see grandad in his new house and will stand on a chair and look out of the window with grandad showing him all the people he can see. Great grandson can't see them but he never says anything, He thinks grandad is special because he can see things he can't see. They stand there eating sweets and chatting away. All our grandchildren visit and the residents always talk to them. I want all our grandchildren to grow up understanding dementia in what ever form and not shun or be afraid of anyone with the disease. Sometime the visits are cut short because it is difficult sometimes with small children but I am sure my husband gets pleasure from seeing them if only for half an hour.

Jay

 

[butch]

my two young grandchildren ag 3 and 6 go to see my dad all the time ,as everything children just take it in their stride he is just "grandpa" to them ! but it makes such a differance to him !! his face lights up when he sees them even if he cant always remember their names he seems to want to talk to them more than anyone ! they enjoy it as much as him .

 

[Padraig]

It's constantly repeated here : everyone is different. Most children and some adults have to ability to emotionally connect with those with advanced Alzheimer's, i. e. those who can no longer talk or use their limbs. To observe the connection is wonderful to behold.
When one of our great daughters visited us she loved to kiss my wife when the though no one was looking. I caught her on camera taking her potty, turn it upside down, stand on it to kiss my wife as she lay in bed.

 

[Anne P]

Many thanks for all your responses and great advice! I totally agree that it really depends on the individual, mum was great with the kids, even helped my brother overnight when his first baby was born. however as the illness progressed she seemed to lose her confidence with them, as things got worse she seemed agitated by them and even said she did not like children, so different from her personality. But i think it is worth Doing a trial run with Alex this weekend but take my husband just in case she gets agitated. Also will take something for him to do so he is not without entertainment. Also have spoken to the home and they suggested using one of their quiet rooms, or the garden. In this weather the quiet room seems the more likely !!!!!! So fingers crossed!

Will let you know how it goes,

Anne x

 

[jje]

Good luck with the trial run, Anne!

Rememeber there is no 'one size fits all' so don't panic if other people's methods of juggling the generations don't work for you.

Having worked in a carehome for several years I would agree that elder people do tend to love seeing children (and animals). Children are also usually much nicer to them than adults because they have no preconceptions and don't judge them for being in a home or having health problems.

Just play by ear. And most of all - if you've thought about it and tried it, you've done the right thing, even if it doesn't work out the way you may expect.

 

[laineyb]

Hi my mum is in a secure dementia unit , I take my children aged 7 & 9 to see my mum about once a month as I think it's important that the children know their granny (my dad died 21 years ago) as they are older than yours they know granny is ill, the other old people love it when the children visit, the only time it gets a bit tricky is when one lady sings dirty ditties lol!

Laineyb

 

[Octopus8]

Hi Anne

I have a just turned 3 year old lively boy also and one strategy we have been using since my Mum was in hospital (now in care home) is to meet her in the local park - so my Dad brings her to meet us. Have been lucky in that both places have been very close to parks and my Mum is still able to walk well - likes get out. But going in to winter does raise few more issues - as I too have noticed that my Mum gets quite wired and agitated (as does my son) when he is inside the home fairly quickly. Especially in her room as he picks things up etc. It does have a large garden and so there is option of short bursts for him to run around.

But to be honest like you I'm struggling to get there as often as I thought I would. I think that one thing my Dad always says and I take strength from is that she has little sense of time now - so hours/days do not have meaning. Therefore, if you know she is being well looked after you probably can be assured she doesn't know how long it is between visits and in a sense is not wondering where her family is all the time. Perhaps only when unsettled or upset. I have noticed that although it is important to provide my Mum with stimulation of visitors and interaction with outside world including my son - she becomes unsettled by it in the home when we're in her space there - and thinks more about her possessions thinking of needing to pack or sort. But without us just accepts her life and home for what it is her interpretation of it -Her place of work. (she worked in large schools so is used to bustle and organisational set ups)
Hope this helps.

 

[FifiMo]

Anne,

I agree with the others that children are a welcome sight in care homes and whilst your mum might get upset or agitated I can guarantee you that there will be others who will be enthralled.

I wonder if you've ever used the "quiet voice" technique with Alex? I saw it used in the Sunday School at my mother's church. The kids were all told that they were going in to a special place that morning and that they would have lots of fun and see all the people there but were told that it was a place for quiet voices only. No shouting out or making loud noises, just speak quietly and every one will still be able to hear you. The kids really bought into it well. They were given the impression that this was a special treat to be in with all the big boys and girls and the grown ups. Maybe if you did something similar with Alex then he would get the picture about enjoying himself but toning down the exuberance perhaps?

Fiona

 

[Jaffacake]

Good luck

Children are warmly welcomed at the home I work at, many residents, particularly those who the kids have come to visit, usually act very well to youngsters coming in. We have a little lady who usually shuffles along, always runs after the little ones on their scooters in the park!!!

Only advice I can give is watch how loud and suddenly their behaviour can change as the environment may feel very strange to them. We have had all age groups in all manners of behaviour visit (very chatty to very shy and a little upset). The only issue we ever had was a lady who came to see her father who was sadly passing away. She brought her 2 very silly girls who must have been 8-10 who were screaming/ shrieking and giggling constantly, particularly at the way some residents acted. Basically they were old enough to have known better. Luckily they spent most of the time in the garden but kept running up and down shrieking which upset one of the male residents who uses the garden to unwind. He got so wound up about it he collected a handful of gravel/ stones and started hurling them one by one at the girls who laughed even more by which time I had to get one of the nurses to have a word with the mother as it really was unacceptable behaviour.

We had one lady who was very VERY verbally and physically challenging most if the time but was calmest and 'herself' most when her son and grandson came in who must have only been about 3. She would be very together and have full conversations with her grandson. We also have a chap who recently had one of his granddaughters come in bringing her week-old son in which he held very carefully and everyone was very quiet looking on, a magical moment

My best advice would be try it and see.

 

[Memories]

Most older people love seeing younger faces

When my mother was in a nursing home teenage girls (no restriction, but they were girls) used to be paid a small amount to come in after school to come in to the Home, help out with simple tasks and engage the resident in lively conversations. Mostly they were around the girl, her problems, aspirations and life in general - which really worked as the resident was then asked for help, opinion, advice and everyone was thrilled with the chatter and buzz!

There is an American idea (go on adopt), but sadly has not taken off in this country.

Another idea which really works, is bonding and you might get to hear stories from your mother that you hadn't heard before and that is to scan old family photos relating to her (not necessarily including her image) and put them to her favourite music on a DVD. Both together they are often magic which can engage the whole family.

The nursing homes I go into get so few visitors that I am sure your children will be most welcomed as a beneficial respite!
Good luck!
Anne

 

[prawnie1]

When my Dad was in the care home we used to take my then 3 yr old and my new born to visit daily. Dad was irritable and grumpy and shouted!! But it didn't put us off. My dad didnt realise who my son was, but we knew he thought it was someone who made him happy. My son was too young to realise that 'Grandad' didnt recognise him and he carried on as normal jumping on his back talking to him. He even played with my Dad at 'being at work' cos thats where Dad thought he was!
The other residents loved him coming. My son used to go for walks in the garden with a few of the residents and knew them all by name! My son would talk to them as though they were just 'normal'(excuse that word please!) elderly people. he didnt see anything wrong with them. If he said anything I just told him the truth, that they have something wrong with their brain that makes them confused, and he was fine with that. He was never upset when he came away, unlike us!
The staff became his friends and ended up buying him birthday presents.
My son is now 7 and is a well rounded individual who still loves to chat to older people. I really do think that visiting the home helped to give him the confidence he has now. He is very tolerant of people with disabilities and understands that older people get confused. He still talks about visiting Grandad and his other friends now.
If the home is happy for children to visit then you should take them. I am sure your mother would not want them to stay at home.
Hope all works out well