Mothers death

[westwood37]

hello I'm new on the forum and feel quite lost. I live with my parents and my son. I was divorced 10 years ago and since this I have always lived with them. My Dad's alzheimers has worsened in the last year or two. On Saturday my wonderful Mum died very suddenly after having a brain haemorragh. My Dad is obviously very confused. I keep having to break the news every 10 mins. He remembers and then forgets and wants to know when mum is coming home. It is so heartbreaking not just for us but for Dad. They celebrated 50 years of marriage 2 weeks ago. I feel quite lost and scared for the future. Can anybody give me some advice to help him?

Many thanks

Annie

 

[jenniferpa]

Dear Annie, welcome to TP

I'm not surprised you feel lost: you've had a tremendous shock AND you have to continue caring for your father and your son, quite apart from yourself.

I can't even imagine how awful it must be to have to repeatedly tell your father about your mother's death. There are a fair number of people on the board who have had to come to terms with the fact that their loved one who has AD can't remember deaths in the past, but not many who have gone through what you are going through.

Although everyone has different views on this, at least some people choose not to keep repeating the bad news, particuarly if the distress such news causes is great. Prevarication and distraction are quite common techniques, even if in effect that means lying. This may not work for you, particularly in this early stage, but it might be something to think about.

You have my deepest sympathy

Jennifer

 

[sue38]

Hi Annie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum's death particularly at what should be a happy time for your parents.

I'm new on here too and so I will leave it to the people on TP who are so much more experienced than me to give you practical advice. All I can say is that you've come to the right place, the support and practical advice you will get here is invaluable.

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

Sue xx

 

[noelphobic]

Welcome to TP Annie. I am so sorry to hear of your mother's death. I am sure this would be hard enough for you to cope with on its own, it must be so much more difficult when you have to deal with your father's reactions to it as well.

I'm not really sure about how exactly you can help him. If he can't remember that your mum has died then there isn't anything much you can do to help him remember. It must be so hard for you to keep telling him, and so hard for him to keep hearing it over and over.

This isn't really much help to you but I am sure you will get lots of good advice here.

Take care
Brenda

 

[Skye]

Dear Annie

So sorry to hear about your Mum's death. I can only imagine what you are going through, trying to cope with your own grief, care for your son, and try to tell someone with AD that their beloved partner has died.

Annie, there are all sorts of things you need to do regarding arranging support for yourself and your dad, but this is not the time to go into that.

All you need at the moment is the love and support of all of us on TP. Do stay with us, we'll support you.

Love and hugs,

 

[blue sea]

Hi Annie
I have been through similar experience with my mother dying very suddenly and dad rapidly deteriorating with vascular dementia. It is hard to grieve for your mum as you have to cope with the very difficult situation you are facing with your dad, but I would try to get some support for yourself as well as for him. You need someone to listen to your memories of your mum and your feelings about your loss, be it a close friend, relative or bereavement counsellor. i didn't really take time out for myself and i wish now i had. Regarding your dad I would try to get some immediate support through your GP / social services. An appointment to discuss the situation with your Dad's GP , or even your own, might be a good starting point. You will need external help at some point and the fact sheets on this web site are excllent. However the immediate need is time for yourself - to grive and come to terms with mum's death. Just be gentle and patient with dad. if he can't remeber her death it might be easier/ kinder to sometimes just say she is out at the moment. There's no right or wrong about what to say. you have to get through as best you can and not be too guilt ridden.. Take care of yourself and use this forum as a sounding board / release - it does help. At the moment coping with one day at a time is perhaps the best approach.

blue sea

 

[Norman]

Hi Annie
so sorry to hear of Mum's death.
There are times when in the cause of love ,and sparing someone more heart break, it is in order to tell white lies.
I would not keep reminding Dad but avoid the question,change the subject.
If you can divert attention from the sad subjects it is only being kind.
I hope this does not sound unfeeling,and I hope it is helpful.
IMHO
Best wishes
Norman

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Annie,
I`m so sorry to hear of your mother`s sudden and unexpected death, and send my deepest sympathy and sincere condolences.

As far as your dad is concerned, it must be agony repeating the same sad message over and over again.

Will he attend the funeral? That might establish it in his mind.

I know how difficult it is to have to answer the same questions over and over again, I have to do that with my husband. But when the answer is the death of your mother, it defies description.

Have you any family who can support you? you have such a heavy burden to bear alone.

Please post on TP as often as you like, if it`s any help. There is always someone here.

 

[Momx4]

Annie - I am so sorry to hear of your loss and send you kind wishes. I can't really offer you any advice as what you are dealing with is outside my experience but people here are both a great source of support and of practical advice, so post when you can. It's like having a hand to hold when you come here.

Thinking of you

Diana

 

[jan.]

Annie,

Just to let you know your being thought of at this very sad time and sending you a virtual {{{{{{{ BIG HUG}}}}}}}

Love,
Jan. X

 

[DaughterN]

My heart is with you...

Annie,
I can't say how deeply I feel for your loss. I had time to prepare having both parents with Alzheimers thank God not at the same time. How sad to lose your Mother the way you did and how awfully sad and bewildered your father must be. Sometimes them not knowing is a blessing and not understanding. I remember standing over Caskets with my Dad and he not even realizing what happened to his family members. I most of all feel so sad for you that you had to lose your Mother at a time you needed each other so much. My heartfelt sympathy goes out to you and your family.
My Blessings to you . Noreen

 

[Spiggy]

As others have said, sorry to hear that.
My best wishes go out to you and your father.

 

[westwood37]

thank you

Hello

Thank you all for your lovely messages. They have helped me alot. Like many of the members advised me to try changing the subject slightly when Dad mentions Mums death (and when is she coming home?) and this seems to be helpful.

Many Thanks

Annie