Tired out

[Sleepy]

This is the first time I have posted so excuse the rambling. My aunt has had memory problems for a few years now but over the last six months or so her behaviour and memory have got much worse. She goes to collect her pension several times a day. has been wandering and forgetting her way home. I arranged meals on wheels for her as she was forgetting to prepare proper meals - which she promptly cancelled, but then her social worker and I agreed that her memory was so bad that she could still have her meals and she'd cancel and forget about it on a daily basis and still get her meals!! (Does that make sense). She is also profoundly deaf - but has decided that through divine intervention, she's had a miracle cure and can hear perfectly well. She also drinks heavily, when she's drunk the wandering confusion and aggression are worse. Everything I have tried to do to to make things easier for her she doesn't want. and every time a CPN/doctor/social worker calls she seems to pull something out of a hat and isn't too bad - they just have'nt called when she's drunk yet. She has no children of her own and the rest of the family cousins and nieces are quick to criticise and have plenty to say but don't do anything to help - I'm not making it up - they run a mile. She lives over 20 Miles away from me so with working full time and a family I try to visit once or twice a week.
I am in trouble in work for taking time off and taking personal phone calls - my office manager has already given me a verbal warning. As aunt is not "immediate family" i.e. husband, children, they are not very sympathetic. This year they have insisted that I book out 75% of my leave in advance - so from now till the end of the year I have 5 days (!!) for any emergencies, and where auntie's concerned there are plenty. My husband is thoroughly fed up with the phone calls day and night from her friends and neighbours. I feel that whatever I try to do, it all goes wrong at the moment, I seem to have somebody permanently going on at me whether its aunt/work/family/social worker.
To cap it all, and this is what has really really upset me my aunt has now accused me of taking property, which she has misplaced/hidden from her house - it came out of the blue and I was stunned - she swore that this item was there when I called and I "took it". I don't know if it has turned up yet as I haven't called with her this week yet. It has upset me so much as when she loses her handbag/purse/ pension card etc, I have ALWAYS asked her if I can look in her cupboards and drawers and NEVER ever done this alone, always with her. Her next door neighbour was frosty towards me at the weekend so I assume that though her memory is appalling this has somehow stuck in her mind, and she's telling everybody. I feel tired and defeated and quite alone. I haven't told my husband, though I should, but I know his reaction would be to tell me not to visit her. Sorry about the rambling, but has anyone else had to deal with this sort of accusation?

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Sleepy,

I`m sorry, there`s not much I can offer you except sympathy.

In my experience, peolpe with dementia often show inappropriate behaviour, and become aggressive and/or paranoid. It is extremely difficult to rationalize with them, in fact it`s almost impossible.

It looks as if you are taking far too much on your own shoulders, and the more you do, the more will be expected of you.

Could you tell her social worker you are just going to take a step back, for a while as the responsibility is getting you down. I don`t mean abandon your aunt, I just mean for you to try to ease off a little.

You are putting your job at risk and it sounds as if you are putting your health at risk too.

Sorry if I`m speaking out of turn, but you do seem to need more help than you`re getting. So does your aunt, but if the Services know you`re there they`ll just rely on you.

Take care

 

[Natashalou]

Accusations

Yes, this is very familiar, my mothers favourite accusation either direct to me or to others about me is that I have stolen all her money, and in fact a lot of her paranoia surrounds money, even before she was so ill (although I now realise this was probably early signs of what was to come) was accusations that people were befriending her etc to get her money.
Sadly this did lead to her missing out on friendship and support from her neighbours etc.
When she was in hospital she accused the staff of stealing her money although she didnt have any in the hospital in the first place. She has none in the nursing home as all the extras like hairdressing are just billed to me direct, but she still calims people take her money which was never there in the first place!
Good thing she is unaware that she is paying £800 per week..or she could rightfully accuse the Government of stealing it!!

 

[Skye]

Hi Sleepy

I agree with Sylvia. You are doing too much. You mustn't risk losing your job, you have the rest of your life in front of you, and your family to consider.

You really have to get in touch with SS and explain your situation to them. It is up to them to put a proper care package in place.

Sorry if this sounds bossy, but it sounds as if you need someone to find a way out for you.

Consider your health, your family, your job, and your aunt -- in that order! You count too!

Please post again, and let us know how you are getting on.

Love,

 

[Sleepy]

Thanks so much, for me it was so nice to have someone say a kind word instead of nagging and criticism I almost cried. I thing the first step was actually writing about my auntie. Its not easy to admit that maybe I can't cope, but getting it off my chest has helped, and perhaps I do need to take a step back. but a little kindness goes a long way. Thanks