Sorry, being pathetic. Need support.

[Amanda1954]

I've been a member of TP for ages but rarely even look at it, let alone post. But it came to mind today when I just feel at the end of my tether.

My mum has AD, diagnosed 6 years I think. The disease progressed very slowly which we're thankful for. But it does progress. I'm also primary carer for a young friend with an eating disorder and depression. (Complicated story but her parents don't know of her troubles). And my husband has recently been diagnosed with depression and is increasingly short tempered.

This morning I've just been to my mum's to pack for her. She's going away for 4 days with her gentleman friend. Lovely for them you'd think. But she gets so confused when things happen out of her routine and she's packed herself twice in the last 3 days. All inappropriate things. I'm short of time today and it was just the last straw when I got there to do it and she'd packed it all again.

And my husband and I had words last night. Still not resolved.

And my young friend doesn't need to be burdened with my problems.

sorry, ranting. Just wanted to let some of it out.

 

[chris53]

Good Morning Amanda, you have a lot on your hands at the moment so don't ever think you are being pathetic, good your mum is having a break, but so frustrating with the suitcase packing, don't have that with my mum who sadly has Alzeimers but she has a habit of moving stuff (loo rolls etc) she calls it having a tidy then she can't find what she is looking for! Ehhhhhh mum was a person where place for everything and everything in its place, ultra(obsessed more like) with housework as well, would it help if you done mums suitcase then took it away till she was due to go? sorry if that sounds daftyou are doing a very thoughtful and helpful thing with your young friend I do hope in time her problems will resolve themselves, I am sure she would be pleased to help you it may take her mind off her own problems,also sorry your husband is in a black hole, depression is a nasty illness my late dad had manic depression for most of his life and it was like treading on egg shells a lot of the time but if he has been given medication to help once it kicks in hopefully life at home will not be so bad, am just sending you a hug and hope today is better for you. Please keep posting. Chris x

 

[Karjo]

Mum had 5 suitcases which she continuously packed and repacked with all sorts of things. I once had a call from her neighbour to say she was climbing out of her window with them as she needed to catch a train and I had locked her in ( no train and i had not locked her in -she had locked herself in and lost her keys).
the thing is its not the suitcases. its trying to deal with the whole thing. Goal posts are changed, there is no appreciation only criticism from most directions. We try and appease our family while the Az sufferer takes up more and more time going at a snails pace and undoing everything we try to achieve.
i have no answers for you I'm afraid. I am at the moment having to pluck up courage to go into my own living room as she declared the whole house hers. I have only brought her here to get her out of the hospital before they give her PRN drugs but i was too late. Hopefully they will soon kick in though cos she is being just horrid.

 

[Big Effort]

Hi Amanda,
First I am replying to bump this up to the top of the agenda again, as I know lots of people will identify with those moments when we feel we cannot do this any more. And yet we have to.

To me, it sounds as if things in general are getting on top of you. Alzheimers, plus depression x 2 in your direct environment is a huge ask of anyone. It isn't really the packing issue is it? Just the feeling of just one more thing piling on top of so many other difficult, unacceptable, uncontrollable other things.

I think it is wonderful that you took this opportunity to post again on the forum. Guess what! I have posted nearly 300 posts since I joined in July. Posting has made such a difference to me. I scorned the Alzheimers site (without even looking at it for 3 years), feeling I had enough interface with Alsheimers as it was, without taking on others dramas and stories. How wrong was I? Very, very wrong. So don't make my mistake and just reach out when the whole world explodes in front of your eyes. I make time for me to read posts, reach out to others, and what I get in wisdom, support, compassion, shared experience and so forth is worth its weight in gold.

Here you will get all the dementia support you will ever need, so I shall expand on the depression situation.

I spent a whole year of my psychology degree studying depression, causes, treatments and so on. You are in the driving seat here. DO NOT let this linger on for your husband. There is such a gamut of anti-depressants and so many causes of depression (even the neurotransmitters and the miniscule disorders they can have) that the treatment needs to be the right one. Many doctors are not at all well versed in the treatment of depression. So if his depression isn't shifting within 6 weeks of starting medication, then get the GP to try another brand/active ingredient. It the GP doesn't comply, change your GP.

I also speak from experience having taken Lexapro for a year due to a situation-based depression. I cried and cried when diagnosed as I 'saw' myself as a depressive - guilty of a mental illness beyond my control. However, I did get the right medication for me, and within days I slept like a babe, just the good night's sleep put so much right and I woke up fresh, relaxed and calm. Things took off after that. That was years ago now, and I have never looked back.

I also found the book entitled Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns a real revelation. It is self-help cognitive behavioural therapy, and I saw myself and my thought patterns so clearly in those pages. I cried a lot when I read those examples, and it did change my thinking. Also there is a depression self-test in it, that I used again and again, it was so helpful as I could see I was getting better (or not!).

Edit: I saw it costs under one £ second hand on Amazon. I mean for your husband to read it just the chapters that are relevant to him. And the self-help test will help him tell if he is getting better on his meds.

And one last comment. You are obviously an extremely kind and caring person. I live in France and have access to Mum's social workers. I already know what they would say to you: "Why are you such a caring person? You should visit a psychologist to find out!" Not that I am suggesting this, but you too may find Dr Burn's book very informative as it does make us face how our thoughts become drives that make us look after others and cut ourselves short of TLC.

With very best wishes, and may today be a much better, much clearer day for you. XXX BE
P S Keep posting. Sharing problems and experiences does halve the problem. So does good communication and feeling you matter. Looking forward to hearing all about you.

 

[Amanda1954]

Thank you all for your messages and advice. I do feel a little better but the 'melt down' has taken it's toll that's for sure. I still feel quite vulnerable at the moment.

To respond to some of the specifics in your messages:- my husband isn't on any medication. He's been referred by his GP to a therapist and has had his first session with him. My husband is 69. The therapist is 23. Still, my husband feels OK with this so I'm not commenting. I just wonder what life experiences the therapist can bring to the situation. He (my husband) is quite adamant that he will not take any medication for this. It's early days.

My mum has now gone away and will be back on Monday. Not much respite as I probably wouldn't have seen her on Saturday or Sunday anyway. But at least I know she's having a good time! I returned in the afternoon to redo the case and finally got it packed with suitable attire, but not without a few ups and downs along the way. I certainly wouldn't wish to curtail her trips away. She enjoys them and it's great that she still can. I just realise that I need to be much more involved in the preparation for these trips. And yes, I do resent it. I spend so much time looking after other people that knowing I have to be even more hands on is not welcome. And I don't like to feel like that. I feel I should be happy to do as much for her as possible. But I don't.

You were right, my young friend has been a great support and very helpful, suggesting various things, and generally cheering me up. It's probably good for her too, to be needed in this way, as long as it's not too much. I need to know when to smile and say thank you it's all better!

Thank you again. I'll probably be back

 

[Izzy]

Hi Amanda. I'm sorry I'm late to this post. I'm glad you find writing on TP useful. I think it does you good to get things off your chest from time to time and where better to do that than here where people understand what you are experiencing.

Take care and keep posting. x

 

[Amanda1954]

Thanks everyone

Thanks Izzy. I'm hoping to find some time to look at some other posts too.

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hi Amanda, I've just seen your post, I don't know how I missed it.

You have such a lot on your plate what with your mum, your husband and your young friend. You are doing an amazing job supporting them all.

Try to be kinder to yourself and not feel bad about the way you feel, which is perfectly understandable. I've felt everything you've described, and more. Despite loving my parents very much, and wanting to help as much as I can, I still resent dementia coming into my life. I hate what it's doing to my mam, my dad, me and my family. We're all affected to a greater or lesser degree and it's very hard for all of us.

Keep posting on here, they are lovely people who always do their best to help and keep you going, and it helps me very much to post on here.

Take care x

 

[Amanda1954]

Thanks college girl, I appreciate your comments. Feeling better today. Had a good morning out at a local village street fair in the sunshine. Works a treat. And going out for husband's birthday meal with friends tonight.

It's really good to know that there's all this support here. I just wish I'd remembered earlier before I let it all get on top of me.

 

[winda]

Hi Amanda,

Have just seen this thread and would like to add my support too.

You have a lot on your plate at the moment and it's not surprising you sometimes find it all too much.

Glad you are having a nice day today and hope you have enjoyed the sunshine.

 

[Pheath]

Hi Amanda – I know what it’s like when everything gets on top of you, we all have our threshold of how much we can deal with and you’re doing brilliantly well holding it all together when so many people are dependent on you. You’ll find this forum is great whenever you want to let off steam as almost everyone here has experienced severe pressure at one time or another so will really understand where you’re coming from. I do hope at least you get a short amount of respite with your mum away and a chance to gather yourself again. I’m glad at least this afternoon was happier, sounds like just taking a bit of time out to do something pleasant can make a world of difference. I find if I have something to look forward to, even if it’s weeks away that can keep me going when times get tough. Wishing you well.

 

[2jays]

Little steps, one at a time.....
This was what I heard frOm TP when I first joined

I tell others of the mantra...... Little steps, one at a time.... I often forget the TP mantra.......But it does help to keep things in perspective.

The fact we are part of this community means we all want to do whats best for the person who has any form of dementia/Alzheimer's.

We as carers do good, actually we do more than good.... we are amazing.... But we are human..... and it's not easy being amazing is it.....

Thinking of you.

 

[Big Effort]

2jays,
I loved what you expressed in your post. It even did me good.
Also I love this:

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone

I love this. Whose quotation is it? My daughter is busy studying philosophy - and this is philosophy all in one!
My creative instinct is stirring, and I want to make cards, inspirational cards. Maybe this would make a nice message? Would you mind if I used it?
Last week I sawed up 35 cubic metres of oak and beech logs (from trees hubby and I felled deep in the French forest). The wood-eating insects were busy under the bark, and I was amazed at the patterns, genuine repeat patterns some insects made. I want to make a rubbing and call it "Insect Art". You will all think I am daft......

[Sorry for messing up this line of thoughts for Amanda. Apologies, BE]