What do i do?

[jan.s]

Hi Jan, the one-one carer sounds very good and is proof that the right approach works.
It sounds as though things are going in the right direction now and you certainly have more ammunition for your meeting on Monday.

I think you deserve a good rest to preserve your strength.

Hi Winda, yes thank you. I found out so much today, and will continue with my fight. I have just rung the home and been told R was dancing in the corridors tonight - he is that happy with this carer! He told me how good his head felt today. I hope things are now turning for the better.

Thank you again.

Jan xx

 

[winda]

That sounds lovely Jan, he sounds much happier. I am so pleased for you.

You will sleep tonight.

 

[2jays]

Dear "her bolshiness"

Well done you. They say never make decisions in anger - well its only the people who have never had to isnt it ....

I have so much admiration for you. I do hope things work out for you very soon.

Hugs xx

 

[jan.s]

Thank you 2jays, i shall continue fighting for him. You just do when you love someone, and they are vulnerable. I have learnt so much today.

Jan xx

 

[2jays]

I have learnt so much today.

Jan xx

Me too I really thought I was a woman of the world, nothing would or could shock me..... Until I visited a particular care home that was, unfortunately, a place that the residents who lived there had to consider as home.

Charles Dickins wouldn't have written about it - it would never have been a part of his experience - before I'm moderated I must just add - in my opinion.

This is a place that social services don't use as its too expensive.....

Now I'm not worrying about my mum, I'm worrying about other peoples mums who are living there....

 

[jan.s]

It is so sad, the conditions some elderly people have to endure - i wouldn't even put my dog in some of them, althpugh thinking about it, he is a spoilt brat

R's ch is lovely, they just need to add a few coping strategies to their repertoire

Love
Jan x

 

[Saffie]

Jan, your dog sounds as much a comfort to you as mine - and just as spoilt!
She is my night-time companion too and i couldn't manage without her.

Well done for today - things sound a lot more positive. Lovely to hear how happy your husband was. I hope you are feeling much better now, knowing that your fight is a very justified one as this home is so obviously where he should remain.X

 

[winda]

Hope all is well when you visit today Jan xx

 

[jan.s]

Jan, your dog sounds as much a comfort to you as mine - and just as spoilt!
She is my night-time companion too and i couldn't manage without her.

Well done for today - things sound a lot more positive. Lovely to hear how happy your husband was. I hope you are feeling much better now, knowing that your fight is a very justified one as this home is so obviously where he should remain.X

Saffie, I wouldn't have got through the past months without him - he's mummy's boy (how sad is that!)

I'm trying to feel positive about the CH situation, but don't want to build my hopes. I feel like I'm living on a knife edge, but I must remain strong.

Thank you for caring.
Jan x

 

[jan.s]

Hi Kassy and Winda

Thank you for your good wishes. I wake each morning full of dread as to what the day will hold. I am especially dreading the weekend, but hope all remains calm. It is a worry with them fiddling with his meds, as the outcome can be unpredictable; I can only go with the flow, and try to remain calm.

Jan xx

 

[Helen33]

Dear Jan,

Fortunately when I'm angry though, I am still guarded in what I say, but what I do say has meaning and will hit the spot.

That's being assertive rather than aggressive Jan

When I was caring for Alan, I noticed how everything he did which might be seen as 'challenging' would be put down to dementia. I was able to prove that it wasn't dementia at all but 'wrong handling'. I can remember saying to a friend that it is really wrong for the person with dementia to be blamed for the failings of the people supporting them. It is often not the carers themselves but the amount of hours they have to work under extreme duress and the very low salary which must make life very hard for many. Often training is lacking and I found that very few carers received adequate, if any, supervisory positive support.

You are doing so well and I admire you greatly for tackling this. I know how exhausting it can be and how worrying and threatening at times. I seem to have an aversion to conflict these days.

The one to one carer seems to be proving your very point. "Monitoring and managing" is what has been needed all along and hopefully the Manageress will gain much by accepting this.

Your R reminds me of Alan because he is benefitting from all the support surrounding him and he hasn't got a clue. How wonderful is that.

By the way, you haven't a selfish bone in your body by the sound of it. You have all on and there are times when one has to concentrate on getting through the task to hand.

Love and a (HUG)

 

[Nanak]

Hi Jan
I haven't posted on this thread up to now as I have absolutely no experience to offer but I can send ((hugs)) and say 'well done you!'
You seem to be handling things just right, even though you are exhausted.
Thinking of you
Nanak

 

[jan.s]

Dear Jan,



That's being assertive rather than aggressive Jan

When I was caring for Alan, I noticed how everything he did which might be seen as 'challenging' would be put down to dementia. I was able to prove that it wasn't dementia at all but 'wrong handling'. I can remember saying to a friend that it is really wrong for the person with dementia to be blamed for the failings of the people supporting them. It is often not the carers themselves but the amount of hours they have to work under extreme duress and the very low salary which must make life very hard for many. Often training is lacking and I found that very few carers received adequate, if any, supervisory positive support.

You are doing so well and I admire you greatly for tackling this. I know how exhausting it can be and how worrying and threatening at times. I seem to have an aversion to conflict these days.

The one to one carer seems to be proving your very point. "Monitoring and managing" is what has been needed all along and hopefully the Manageress will gain much by accepting this.

Your R reminds me of Alan because he is benefitting from all the support surrounding him and he hasn't got a clue. How wonderful is that.

By the way, you haven't a selfish bone in your body by the sound of it. You have all on and there are times when one has to concentrate on getting through the task to hand.

Love and a (HUG)

Thank you Helen for your strength in supporting me. You are so right, it is not R's fault, and that has been acknowledged by the manager. My point is, if it's not his fault, not my fault, who's fault is it then? Oh It's just the illness I'm told! I really don't agree with that I shall be making that point at the meeting - they are a nursing dementia CH, so I expect them to deal with it.

That is nice to think R is like Allan - he sounded such a lovely chap, as is R. It's just not fair is it. You were braver than me though, because you took him home.

I feel that his agitation is caused because he's not receiving sufficient stimulation, especially in the early evening. He's only 64, and so is able bodied, which is another thing that causes them a problem - he's not alone in that one though!!!

I refer to his "armed guard" as his friend for the day, and he likes that idea. They all seem to be kind with him - some have more idea of handling him than others, naturally. I am hoping that we will start to see the same faces on a regular basis.

I shall continue my fight, to try to achieve the best for R. I really don't want to unsettle him if I can, but need to make the manager see she needs to put in more support for R, or through the pct.

Thank you Helen for your continued support. I know you have so many issues of your own to deal with, and I think about you lots.

Jan xx

Long may he continue dancing in the corridors!

 

[jan.s]

Hi Jan
I haven't posted on this thread up to now as I have absolutely no experience to offer but I can send ((hugs)) and say 'well done you!'
You seem to be handling things just right, even though you are exhausted.
Thinking of you
Nanak

Hi Nanak, thank you for your post. I do appreciate your support and hugs. You have had a lot of issues of your own recently, and it is good to know that people care.

Thank you
Jan x

 

[shauna]

Hi Jan,
I have been reading your post and my heart goes out to you. Im so glad that you have the strenght to fight for the rights of your wonderful husband and i admire you so much for doing so.I also fought for my mum when she was in a nursing home and i never gave up till the day she died ( one year ago).My journey was not as tough as yours but still heartbreaking .I wish you luck and hope things will get easier for you and R. I smiled when i read R was dancing last night im sure it lifted your spirits. Hang in there and be kind to yourself .

Shauna xx

 

[jan.s]

Thank you Shauna.

I don't feel very uplifted tonight. I went to see him at lunchtime, and he was still in bed. He got up for me, but I could see he was very confused, and trying to make sense of his world. He didn't have a clue where he was today and actually sat and cried with me, because he didn't know what was happening.
I was worried, so I went back tonight, and he was still the same. It is such a worry. Now I wonder whether I have done the wrong thing agreeing to medication. It is only a sleeping tablet he is taking at the moment to help his develop a sleep pattern, but when he can't make sense of the world, it seems so cruel.

I feel so sad tonight. I seem to spend my whole day thinking about him now, and worrying if he is OK. I can't bear to see him this way. I wonder whether things will ever improve.

Jan

 

[Helen33]

Dear Jan,

It can get better Jan. Sylvia's husband has gone from being angry and challenging to being content in his care setting. It doesn't always happen - but it can. Dhiren couldn't bypass the process though.

All you can do is take it moment by moment. It must have been heart rending to witness him so upset. Things do change though Jan and I really hope that tomorrow you see an improvement in R's general wellbeing.

I wish you a peaceful night - easier said that done - I know

Love

 

[winda]

Hi Jan,

When my husband was first given Risperidone and Larazepam, for his confusion and aggression, he was quite sleepy at first and seemed more confused. Eventually they stopped having this effect and simply calmed him down.
So hopefully this will happen to your husband. I know how distressing it is to have to watch it happen, but if it works eventually it will have been worth it.
Just think what the alternative would be.

 

[Grannie G]

Jan could your husband`s tablet be halved?

Medication is wonderful when the dose is correct. Unfortunately it sometimes takes a while , through trial and error.

It is not good to see R in this state but it is not good to hear about him using aggressive behaviour on people who are misunderstood by him.

The illness causes confusion , the behaviours are caused by confusion and the medication is a means to try to calm down the reaction to the confusion.

I`m delighted to say Dhiren has been medication free for a year now.

 

[jan.s]

Thank you helen, winda and sylvia. I am just so distressed to see him so agitated, and it feels like all of this is going to last forever. It feels like things are getting worse, not better.

I know in my heart it wont last for ever, but i just feel so tired of fighting. I know i must continue for Rog, but i feel so worn out tonight.

I dont sleep because i'm so worried about the future. I'll survive one way or another.

You are all very kind.

Jan xx