A word from a "kind neighbour"

[sunray]

I have seen a lot of posts lately, here and on another forum I post on, about older people with dementia who are left to live alone in their own homes with the "kind neighbours" keeping an eye on them. I want to ask - is this fair?

I have always been a "kind neighbour" even when completely snowed under caring for Mum and Ray I seemed to attract the helpless in our community and learned to be "supportive" to the elderly around my neighnbourhood. I always did it out of kindness but very few relatives acknowledged what I did. I just was an anonymous friend who helped. Only one daughter-in-law brought me a bunch of flowers to say thanks.

I know looking back I must have saved the families thousands of dollars in care home fees as I struggled to take in washing because it was raining, put out rubbush bins, take up mail and hurry up to my neighnours' in answer to a summons to please do this and that. I never minded helping the old and lonely but I do sometimes resent now that with one exception no-one from their families ever bothered to say thank you.

Sue.

 

[limafoxtrot]

Hi Sunray

I don't live in the UK & do rely somewhat to my Mums next door neighbour keeping an I eye on her. More often, if someone calls say about new windows or roofs, her neighbour will either phone me or my daughter. She usually cooks extra food & takes that to my Mum a few times a weeks & her husband also cuts the grass at the front of the bungalow.

Both are elderly & I often feel that it's should not be their responsibility to do this but they want to. I therefore often call her, send flowers and when we go home to visit, always take them presents.

I think your a wonderful person & I'm sure that all the people that you've helped would, if they could, have thanked you for your kindness

 

[rjm]

Hey Sunray,

Congratulations on providing such support for your neighbours. Thankfully there are often many like you in any neighbourhood, helping the elderly &/or infirm, taking in the stray cats, keeping an eye out for suspicious characters, informing local council of infrastucture problems, etc. That is what makes communities, if no one did it we would only have a collection of homes. The families of those you help may not even realise the extent of the time you give, especially if you are helping several people, each may think they are the unique recipient of your good-will. But I suspect you are doing what you do to help your neighbours, not their families, and I have no doubt that whether they are capable of expressing it or not your neighbours do appreciate your efforts.

Keep up the good deeds, but don't push yourself too far.

 

[ggma]

Just wanted to say, I think that what you have done is fantastic and so caring, and even if the families were not well mannered enough to t hank you, you did it for your neighbours.

Many things in our communities would not happen without the unstinting work of our unsung volunteers and neighbours, I just wish there was more recognition and that people did realise a simple 'thank you' means a great deal.

 

[fluff]

Until my m-i-l died recently, we were very dependant on kind neighbours. They did so much for her, bringing in bins, warning off lurking 'cowboys', fetching shopping (usually milk and bread that she'd phone to ask them to fetch, then they'd discover four other people had been sent on the same errand). We were aware and we did try to thank them for their kindness. She saw it as their duty to help her, as much as she saw it as ours and appeared oblivious to the fact that they might sometimes struggle to help her in the way she expected. She was never shy of demanding help from anyone who might respond

The other side of the coin though, is that perhaps if they'd been less helpful, we would have been allowed to place m-i-l in a care home -as it was, her friendly neighbourhood was part of the package that was pointed to, to tell us that she was fine in her own home. We found that we were not allowed to move her so long as she was able to state that she wished to remain in her own home -that seemed to be all that was needed for it to be deemed she had capacity to decide.

Perhaps if neighbours had complained to the sw (earlier than they eventually did) instead of trying to fill the care gaps we could have moved her. As it was, she died in hospital about 1 week after the sw agreed with us that she really wasn't coping.

I don't know what anyone could have done, to be honest, she did not want to move and certainly her neighbours did their best to help. But we discovered the hard way that even with POA, relatives don't always have any power to intervene.

 

[Butter]

You have touched on a sore point here --- I have been concerned for years about the burden carried by my parents' neighbours. My parents and their problems have made unreasonable demands on neighbours for miles around, on the emergency services, on social services and on the NHS. And on their friends.
The family's problem was there was nothing we could do to make things better. My mother has now died and my father is still accepting help from everyone: one set of neighbours do his laundry. Another set do his garden. Others come round and mend things.
It is acutely embarrassing for me - my father refuses help from me. I have offered to set up arrangements to take over all these responsibilities but my father enjoys the care and concern of his neighbours. He does not want his daughter poking her nose in.
We have tried to explain this to the kind neighbours but I am not sure they are convinced. What can we do to convince them?

 

[ggma]

you are right Butter, there is the other side, neighbours can take over and the person thinks this is ok so then you are unable to get the right level of care provided.

It is a very difficult situation and must be so worrying for you.

 

[ITBookworm]

We have similar problem with FIL The very kind neighbours are giving him some form of evening meal we suspect up to 5 nights a week! She won't tell us full details.

We tried meals on wheels and FIL turned them away at the door! We have been trying the girls from SS coming in to make him something and we aren't getting anywhere with that either (4 weeks and counting so far... ) He will accept the girls in the morning to give him his pills but that is it.

We don't know if the neighbour stopped feeding him whether he might get hungry enough to let the girls do something. Either that or his marmalade sandwich consumption would increase

The SW is concerned that he is so resistant to outside help that any move to a home will be VERY traumatic.

The neighbours are being so good we can't get a full picture. They are being so kind and a lot of help (which we really appreciate) yet unknowingly masking the full extent of the problem so that we can't make valid judgements of what is actually happening.

 

[Sue J]

The neighbours are being so good we can't get a full picture. They are being so kind and a lot of help (which we really appreciate) yet unknowingly masking the full extent of the problem so that we can't make valid judgements of what is actually happening.

Can you ask the neighbours exactly what they are doing? Surely only then can a proper assessment of needs take place.

I am very aware that my neighbours are there and always willing to help, they recognize my vulnerability but I hate the thought of being a burden to anyone, if I was well I wouldn't dream of asking of them. I guess none of us really know when we are able to be the one that offers help or be the one in need.

 

[ITBookworm]

We have previously asked the neighbour that is doing the meals and she was very non-comital. Basically saying that FIL wouldn't eat everything that they did so those nights she wouldn't just make extra for him. We didn't really want to push it and insist on an answer since she is being very kind to him.

If we can't get him to accept more help from the SS girls we will probably have to back to her and insist on knowing. It seems rude in a way when someone is being so very generous. We could certainly tell when she was on holiday though FIL was significantly less 'with it' and it can only be down to the decrease in food - he picked up when she came back.

Thankfully our SW is quite good and does accept that FIL needs help - and would be willing to offer more. The problem is getting FIL to co-operate. Hubby points out that we know where he inherited his stubbornness from

 

[Sue J]

We have previously asked the neighbour that is doing the meals and she was very non-comital. Basically saying that FIL wouldn't eat everything that they did so those nights she wouldn't just make extra for him. We didn't really want to push it and insist on an answer since she is being very kind to him.

If we can't get him to accept more help from the SS girls we will probably have to back to her and insist on knowing. It seems rude in a way when someone is being so very generous. We could certainly tell when she was on holiday though FIL was significantly less 'with it' and it can only be down to the decrease in food - he picked up when she came back.

Thankfully our SW is quite good and does accept that FIL needs help - and would be willing to offer more. The problem is getting FIL to co-operate. Hubby points out that we know where he inherited his stubbornness from

They sound very kind and maybe they realise that he may need to go into care. She is obviously including him without it encroaching on them as to cook for one extra is not usually a bother, without assuming she is responsible for his needs and cooking especially for him. Don't assume that he is 'less 'with it'' only due to decrease in food, daily contact with someone that recognizes your need, albeit in part, goes a long way to keep people 'with it'. My neighbours are currently away and whilst I have no wish to burden them and do not see them daily but just knowing they are there and are willing to help if I need is very reassuring - I miss them and am looking forward to their return.

It sounds like you have a good SW though which must help a lot.

 

[NeverGiveUp]

Anyone got any spare kind neighbours? If so, could they send them to live around here. You cannot know what it is like to struggle on without help, I look after both parents, bot physically disabled, one with dementia. Not one person calls at the door to see if we are alright, they all drive past eyes glued to the road in front.

I don't want them to do all the tasks that the kind neighbours do on this thread, a simple hello would surfice, unfortunately that is far too much trouble for them all. The only time our existance was acknowledged was when mum had a dementia shouting session in the garden, that evening we had 2 women standing on our drive jeering at me, we live in a 'respectable' neighbourhood - not.

Mind you, they seem to know where we are when they want something!!!

 

[sunray]

both sides of the kindness problem

I do know both sides of the kindness problem as I did have old parents living in a caring neighbourhood and do know that they had neighbours do good deeds for them. I walked around the neighbourhood and thanked everyone when I had to move Mum and Dad to live with me and thanked them again at the funeral.

I guess one of the things that got under my skin was one neighbour's funeral where the niece and nephew ( the heirs to his estate) did not even bother to turn up to his funeral. They rang his sister to ask her to "dispose of his clothes and stuff" and asked the facility to send the bills, his valuables and any securities they were holding to their attorney so they didn't have to come up and finalise his account.

I know many people struggle with this, as I did, and there are no easy answers. I think just to thank the neighbours is often enough, but an occassional bunch of flowers or box of chocolates is appreciated too.

Sue.

 

[Sunbell]

Hi Sunray,
I read your thread and it could have been me writing it. I was exactly like you with 2 sisters who lived next door to me. I even had to get them both in hospital after both had a bad fall. Unfortunately one died shortly after but the other sister who had dementia was still in hospital and it wasn't until the funeral and talk of a will was headlines of the day that any family appeared, there was nieces, nephews, god-daughters - they seemed to be arriving out of the woodwork!! Where were they when they were needed, nowhere to be seen. I didn't even receive a thank you but never mind, I got fulfilment and peace of mind I had been able to help them.
I never regretted the help I gave to them, just secretly had a chuckle when sadly the other sister passed away, she left all her money to the church lol!!!!! (God did answer my prayers).
My own mum has AD so she gets all my love and caring now. Sunbell xx

 

[zeeeb]

I guess that's just human nature. Some people get in and get their hands dirty (so to speak), others pretend to look at their watch and pretend they didn't see a thing.

If it weren't for those who dig in and help, when there is nothing in it for them, the world would be a hideous place. And for those who "don't want to get involved" and think that's a reasonable excuse, shame on them.

For me, i'm somewhere in the middle. I'm not there for my nanna much, because she lives 4 hours away (8 hour round trip), she has relatives that live in her town, and closer to her, that help her. But i am there for my step grandfather in law, and help him even though closer family members don't, because he's only 1 hour away, and because he has no family of his own left. So people may say shame on me for not helping my nanna, but I help someone who I have no real obligation to help, because simply, he has no family and no one else who cares.