Is this normal??

[mothergoose]

Hi

Mum passed away last Friday (17/08) in the nursing home, I was with her for the week leading up to her end, I cried off and on during that time and thought I was accepting of the fact that I had already said goodbye years ago when mum no longer knew who I was
The funeral was yesterday and all day I felt like I was looking at the days events from the "outside" even when I went to the chapel of rest to say goodbye I had no tears, nothing???
I'm not really sure how I feel (i know it is very early days yet) In the last 5 years I have lost my brother (11/08/07) my dad (08/01/11) and now mum I'm not sure if because of all this, my body has put up some kind of emotional barrier. I feel empty and void, very confused, I thought that I would be a blubbering wreck when mum passed as in her previous life (before dementia) she was mum,friend, confidant to name but a few. My lack of feeling is worrying me Can someone please tell me is this normal??

Confused and bewildered

Mothergoose x

 

[2jays]

As far as I am concerned..... It's normal
It's normal because it's the way you are able to deal with the situation at the moment. There may come a time when the floodgates open, days, weeks, months later, something will happen that is totally unrelated to anything you are thinking about like a butterfly flying by - and when it does, it may give you the release you are looking for now.

It's normal.

 

[Saffie]

I think it is very normal. It is your mind's way of allowing you to cope whilst you have to, in order for you to carry out the numerous tasks involved with the death of a parent. It is also a form of protective barrier. As 2jays has said, one day that barrier will just collapse, something you see or hear, and it will all come flooding out. I know as I have been where you are now after my mother died 30 years ago after suffering AD. It stil hits me at odd times now. lots of sympathy. X

 

[thatwoman]

I'd agree that it's normal so far as I'm concerned. Dad died on 4th July and it's starting to hit me now. We hadn't sold his house while he was in the Nursing Home, but now that the previously invisible siblings have started clamouring for their share of the proceeds, I'm devastated to be clearing out his things. Silly, worthless things that remind me of Dad can set me off, but during the funeral I was quite calm. I did break down when I had to tell his 90 year old sister that he had died: we were both trying to be so accepting that it was the best thing and he'd had a good life etc, and then I broke down. But that was it until this last week. I suppose I couldn't have organised the funeral without being able to detach myself from the proceedings.

I did manage to go into work and tell my boss what he could do with his effing job, but I'm forgiven now. (It was worth it to see his face. It was put down to grief, but I knew exactly what I was saying. I just didn't care, but now I realise I need the job!) I suppose that's a whole different thread!

I'm not feeling so empty now, but I'm grieving more than I expected after such a long goodbye. I hope you're feeling better knowing that other people have felt as you do, Mothergoose. I hope the emptiness goes soon for you,

Love, Sue xxx

 

[muriel.elliott]

Hi Mothergoose,
This is so normal. Everybody is different in the way they are affected by grieve whoever it is that has passed away.
I have always found it very difficult to cry. I feel it inside but the tears will just not flow. I shake uncontrollably when i get stressed. I think i cried more when bryan was still with me to see the way that horrible desease was affecting him. Also i must admit i was frightened at times.
Let yourself come to terms with all that has happened when you are ready, your body will tell you. Do whatever you want and nee to do to get yourself thru it. But always remember we are here for you. We all understand.
Sending you lots of love and hugs Muriel xx

 

[Helen33]

Hello Mothergoose,

I had planned to say all sorts of things and kept deleting them as I realised that many here have already said that what you are experiencing is quite 'normal' if there is a normal in bereavement.

What I would like to say is that it is clear that you are a person full of feeling for your mum. Sometimes these feelings become kind of frozen as a defence mechanism but in time, the defence surrounding your feelings will begin to thaw. A thaw can be very painful as anyone who has had frostbite will know. You will then know just how much you are a person of deep feelings. Try not to rush it. It will come when you can cope.

Love

 

[jude50]

Oh mothergoose,

I thought i was alone with this feeling. My Mum died on 15 July and I cried on the day and then did the bins. I cried the day before the funeral but not really on the day. I feel the grief just bubbling under the surface and though I have sad moments and i have a short sob but I feel somewhat detached from the fact that my mother has died. I thought there was something wrong with me. having read your thread it has helped a bit. You're not alone in this feeling

Jude

 

[mothergoose]

Thank you for yours replies, it has helped knowing that I am not being heartless.
I'm sure that as the weeks/months pass I will probably feel different.

Love and Hugs to you all

Tina xx

 

[ceris]

Hi Mothergoose. So sorry for your loss.

I can't add anything really, except to agree with what's been said. We all grieve differently - I haven't really cried for my dad yet (he died two weeks ago) and am dreading the funeral (it's taken ages to sort out because dad really, really didn't want any kind of church service, wanted to be buried with my mum, and other complications) in case I either seem heartless (i.e. don't cry) or go the other way and freak out.

Please try not to analyse yourself or beat yourself up. You clearly care. The love you have inside - that's all that matters, really.

Ceris x

 

[CeliaW]

Hello Mothergoose - I hesitate to say its normal because there are no rules for how you react to loss, it affects everyone differently.

What I will say is that in my personal life and in my nursing career I have found that usually the body/ mind does what the person needs. Often a person needs a space to collect themselves and that is why people find themselves "not reacting" - as basically they wouldn't be able to deal with grief very well.

If you can, just let what happens - happen. There are no rules, there is no "right" way so do your best to let your subconscious mind lead you.

I am sorry for your loss and the history of sadness at those you have lost previously - I hope that you can allow yourself to come to terms with how you feel, slowly...steadily and as you can cope.

Please take care of yourself and most importantly - be kind to yourself, its what you need and I am sure it is what your mother would want for you.

Take care

Celia

 

[noonoo]

I lost my mum a year ago tomorrow and continue to find it really difficult.

Mum was in a home for 9 years, during which time I watched her gradually fade away from this horrible disease. She had no idea who I was, couldn't hold a conversation and needed help with everything. From the beginning it felt as though she had gone - she was no longer the person I knew and loved.

I was at her beside when she died and remember a huge feeling of relief come over me as she was now at peace. I only REALLY cried a few times. I threw myself into organising the funeral - it gave me something else to think about.

I reached a real low 5-8 months later when I would find myself feeling really sad all the time. The tears would start rolling at the simplest thing. This point was very different to how I felt initially. Before this I would describe it as being like a bottle. Over the days/weeks the bottle would fill up (this was the time when I was feeling OK). The lid would then have to come off - which resulted in several emotional days.

I have now done the 'Ist birthday', '1st Christmas' and in under 5 hours going to be doing the '1st anniversary'. I am really not looking forward to tomorrow as I have felt really down and been tearful since Christmas day. I am not an emotional person and feel embarrassed and stupid at not being in control of how I feel. I know I shouldn't - but this is harder said than done! It seems like everyone else in the family are coping while I am falling apart.

Thinking of you Mum xx

 

[CathT]

Ditto

I have just posted an identical thread after visiting this particular forum for the very first time - I have been a regular visitor to the other support forums.

What a relief to learn that others feel exactly the same as I do right now.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this matter.

Best wishes to everyone.