Do I tell Dad?

branwen

Registered User
Oct 3, 2010
110
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I was wondering if anyone else had been in a similar situation. Both my parents were diagnosed with dementia at the same time a couple of years ago - Mum had Parkinsons and Lewy body dementia, Dad has Vascular dementia with Alzheimers and has virtually no short term memory and very little speech ability (or ability to follow a conversation). They've remained at home with 24/7 care but my Mum spent most of her time in bed over the last 6months or so, and my Dad seemed to forget who she was - once or twice pointed at her and asked who she was, but that was it. My Mum died on Friday after several weeks in hospital and the funeral is next week. The carers say my Dad hasn't asked about her apart from going into her room one day and commenting that "something's missing" but didn't seem concerned. My gut feeling is not to tell him on the basis he probably won't understand who or what I am talking about, probably won't remember but worst of all if he did remember part of what I said it might trigger him to look for her and get upset. But part of me feels horrible about not telling him because they were so close and married for over 50years - especially since it was their wedding anniversary today.
 

Anongirl

Registered User
Aug 8, 2012
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Oh Branwen, what a situation. I just wanted to send you love and hugs. I'm not sure what I would do, I would probably wonder the same as you, would it bring up feelings and emotions for him and unnecessary anguish but I really don't know.

I'm sure someone will be able to help advise you more. X
 

Butter

Registered User
Jan 19, 2012
6,737
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NeverNeverLand
This is so sad for you. I am so sorry.

I think your gut feeling is good. Instincts can often be pure wisdom. This has been discussed here quite often recently and the consensus seems to be to do as you suggest - nothing.

I'm afraid you are carrying the sadness for your Dad.
 

branwen

Registered User
Oct 3, 2010
110
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Thank you for your replies. It helps. Everyone has been asking me how my Dad is and how he's taking the news, but they don't realise how much he's deteriorated - they're thinking of the couple they used to know.
 

dizzywizzy

Registered User
Mar 23, 2012
143
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So sorry for your loss and for the situation your in. My dad has vascular dementia and although not as far down the line as your dad, I know my dad would not be able to cope with such news. I know it must be awful but probbaly best not to tell him :-(
 

Big Effort

Account Closed
Jul 8, 2012
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Condolences on the death of your mother. I wonder how you are coping, with a Dad who is also needing your care and attention.

I speak for me, but I know what I would do. I would withhold that little gem of distressing news. Why? Well, Mum has Alzheimers. All her life her biggest nightmare has been the idea of burdening us kids with a "mother who has lost her marbles". When she was diagnosed I battled with my conscience. She has the right to know. But what if knowing is so distressing that she uses her remaining IQ to commit suicide. Both GP and neurologist said her interests came first and if keeping her in the dark contributed to higher quality of life, or even less distress, then to withhold the diagnosis.

Your Dad has spent 50 years at the side of someone he loves. Perhaps it is a blessing that he isn't fully able, or able at all, to comprehend his wonderful wife is no longer there. Mum has this happy blessing of living totally in the present. Your Dad looks as if he too lives in the present. Something is missing, yes, but does he need to face the loss of a partner of 50 years?

He is looking at the world through a different lens to us. If he is happy and stable, why on earth rock the boat? A bit of serenity is worth more than gold.

That is my opinion, nothing prescriptive, so please don't think I am being presumptuous. I won't be sharing any bad news with Mum either. She has quite enough to cope with already!

Do look after yourself at this time as you have a lot to contend with. It sounds as if you have put a wonderful system in place for both of your parents. Well done! I wish I could have something like that in place for Mum. Take care, BE
 

Carolynlott

Registered User
Jan 1, 2007
232
0
Newcastle upon Tyne
Hi Branwen,
I would say not to tell your Dad and play it by ear - wait and see if he asks. Even then, I don't think there is any point spelling it out and hopefully he won't ask if he hasn't done by now. My Mum died last month and was in the same care home as my Dad - my Dad is unable to understand anything that is said to him any more. The carer on duty the night Mum died said he would tell Dad - but I think that might have just been for my benefit - it certainly wouldn't have meant anything to Dad, but it was a nice thing to do. I haven't told my Mum's twin sister. The staff in her care home say she talks about Mum all the time, but if I told her she would be very upset and then she would just forget, so it would be pointless and cruel. She is living in a time period of about 80 years ago - she thinks she lives at home with her parents (she is 85).
Best wishes,
C