Hello,
I see that many of you are angry at the injustice of the situation in which you find yourselves and I sympathise with you because over the past months I have often found myself raging in this way. Today, in a calmer frame of mind, I say: Yes, there is no denying the injustice, but at the moment I see no way of redressing the imbalance. Maybe, at some point in the future the Government could be persuaded to introduce legislation obliging those not willing to pull their weight in providing care to contribute financially. Hit them in the pocket and make it hurt!
Constantly mulling over the injustice simply damages your own health, so try to push it out of your mind. Concentrate on other things - anything that makes you laugh or just interests you - try to learn a new language and recite all the verb forms or the new vocabulary you have learnt. Blank it out, the pain will subside in time. Believe me, I've been there. Below is my story:
My story relates to N. Ireland and I am the eldest of a family of 6. I believe the system here is slightly different to mainland UK, but it may be of some help to others: I discovered over a year ago that one of my sisters had emptied my mother's second bank account and had then proceeded untroubled to gain control of her main bank account.
My mother has been suffering from dementia for 4 years now, but my sister didn't have to produce any kind of medical evidence in order to take over both accounts. For the first one, she just applied for a debit card and helped herself! For the second, she claimed when challenged that a bank clerk had told her that mum clearly was no longer able to handle her own financial affairs and suggested that she take control, which she willing did, while keeping it secret from the other 5 members of the family! (In fact, it later became clear that another sister was also party to the deception). Little of the money she withdrew was spent on my mother. In spite of this, my discovery caused a major rift in the family, with most of my siblings - unbelievably - siding with her.
I had a stop put on my mother's bank account to prevent her withdrawing any more money. This worked for a couple of months. Then the bank, without informing me or anyone else in the family, started allowing her to withdraw £100 per week. She claimed that this money was being used to support my mother. In fact, it was pocket money for herself and I, meanwhile, was supporting mum! I later discovered what was going on and again asked the bank to cease allowing her to withdraw money from my mother's account. Since she was now denied access to that account, she drove my mother to a bank in another town where she succeeded in opening a new bank account for her, with the intention of having her pension diverted into it. Unfortunately for her, I came upon the letter from the bank welcoming my 86-year-old, dementia-suffering mother to internet banking! Again, I succeeded in blocking access.
Still determined to have her way, some months later, she took my mother to yet another bank, opened another new bank account, provided false change-of-address information to the pensions company and succeeded in having my mother's pension paid into this new account which was being operated by her.
Around this time, my mother became dangerously ill and I, preoccupied with her care, didn't discover the ruse for 4 months. Once again, I had to fight tooth and nail - and completely alone - to convince the pension's company that the information they had received was false. The onus was on me to provide evidence to the contrary, which I did and luckily they resumed paying my mother's pension into her account. But no action has been taken against my sister, who proclaims her innocence at every opportunity! Financial Ombudsman? A waste of time!
After my mother’s illness, I put my life on hold to become her main carer because no one else in the family was prepared to do it, and the only other option was a nursing home which I simply could not countenance. My sisters never expected me to play this role - to be honest, I never imagined myself in this role either - so, annoyed that I might have some sway over my mother, they then insisted on coming in pairs on two days a week to look after mum. They agreed with the social worker to come at 8 pm and leave the following day at 8 pm. One pair does do this, but leaves the house like a tip after their visit so that I have double work the following day. I should explain that my job involves not just looking after my mother, but also washing, cooking and cleaning for a further 6 to 7 people (immediate and extended family members and workers!) The other pair turns up at whatever time suits them - usually 9.30 to 10.30 pm and if I have already put mum to bed, they get her up again. They refuse to give her the medication she needs for chronic constipation for fear that they might have a mess to clean up. They sit around all day chatting, reading newspapers and magazines and then toddle off home again at whatever time suits them - this could be midnight or beyond if they're watching something on TV that interests them and I'm expected to wait patiently in the wings until they're gone!! The social worker to whom I mentioned this simply replied: "Oh, you'll never get it 100% right!"
It was when mum came home from hospital that my problems really started: my mother requires 24-hour care and we are provided with a carer, who receives the carer's allowance - so no payment of any kind for me. I needed to buy food, clothing, non-prescription medicines etc. for my mother, but her bank account was blocked and I had no income. I had already spent every penny I possessed supporting her in the months prior to her illness. The bank, despite the fact that it had previously allowed my sister to withdraw whatever sum she liked, now refused me access to my mother’s account and insisted that it would remain blocked until Power of Attorney had been granted to either someone within the family or an independent person. When I sought help from other family members, they rounded on me telling me that it was my fault we were in this mess in the first place and that it was now up to me to sort it out.
Fortunately, one of my brothers came to the rescue and has supported both my mother and myself since January. We were obliged to get a solicitor involved. With the help of a social worker, we held a family meeting – to which several members didn’t bother to turn up (none lives more than 30 minutes' drive away!) – and managed to agree the appointment of one sister and one brother to manage my mother’s finances. (I wanted no involvement in the financial aspect, as I would undoubtedly be accused of taking on the carer role in order to benefit financially from the situation.) The solicitor then had to apply to the High Court in Belfast on their behalf and the matter STILL isn’t resolved. I was told in January that it would take a week or two. Eight months on, we are crawling towards the finishing line – another week to 10 days I was told yet again last week – but who knows?
Meanwhile, not wishing to place too much of a burden on my brother, I have lived in virtual poverty for almost a year; I have looked after my mother to the best of my ability while suffering bullying and threats from other family members (One brother actually threw me to the ground and continues regularly to smash my belongings and open my post!) But, to the outside world it looks like I’m the demon of the piece and my nasty sisters are sweet, little angels ministering to mum. At a recent christening party, they fussed around my mother and made sure that she was seated beside them for the meal while I was relegated to a far-flung table and excluded from all family photographs.
I don’t mind admitting that during the winter months when all this was at its peak and I was up every two hours with my mother while sleeping little in the hours in between, I seriously considered suicide. The only thing that kept me going was the thought that they would then be able to put my mother in a home and help themselves with impunity to her few pounds.
My mother hasn't made a will and hasn't go a fortune in the bank, but please God she'll live long enough to have every penny of it spent on herself!
Yes, the carer's role is a hard one and often a thankless one, but at least I can sleep easy in my bed at night knowing that I have done the right thing. You can do the same.
