Want to know what to do for the best.

[Joodie]

Hi.
Can somebody please advise me?
My dear friend who lives in Canada has recently and suddenly been taken into care with memory loss and confusion, etc. age 67. She lived alone with her two dogs but had a live-out boyfriend nearby and great neighbours. One of her dogs died of cancer not long before she came over to England in May for a 10 week stay with me.
In spite of her sadness at the loss of her pet, we both enjoyed her stay so much.
Just before she was due to return home in July her boyfriend phoned to tell her her other dog, who was very old and had been ill for a while, had died too - a double whammy for her.

The thing is that she keeps saying she doesn't know where her dogs are, and that nobody will tell her.
I know it is because we don't want to hurt her all over again when she barely had got over losing them, but should I just tell her as gently as possible that she has forgotten some things and her dogs have died?
Or will this confuse her even more and upset her too much?

Right now she thinks she will be coming out soon and going home to her flat ( she doesn't live in a flat) and finding her passport again.
Thank you.

Jeeees. Doesn't it hurt, this dementia thing? She had had a lot of hurt in her life and was only just starting to be happy again.
I am gutted. Dementia was my fear, not hers.

 

[Onlyme]

Hello and welcome.

Could you just tell her that they are waiting for her. If she can't remember they have died then she will have to relive her grief that they have gone over and over.

Is she still over here with you or has she returned to Canada?

 

[ggma]

It is so hard to watch the illness take over someone we care about. Hard for you to be so far away when you want to provide support and help for her.

Your friend might have an infection that has caused the sudden detioration in her memory and this should be one of the things looked at where she is now. She may recover sufficiently and be able to remember about her dogs. Is there anyone where she is who can make a judgement about what to tell her and when?

My Mum often talks about seeing her sister, who died over 20 years ago, I do just avoid the direct answer, as she would be so upset if I said that she had died, it would be grief all over again.

My Mum's dog died this year, and she does still ask about her, and remember her name, but she has not asked why she does not see her.

Hopefully others will be along with advice soon

 

[Joodie]

Thank you Lemony and GGMA. A lot !
Your replies are very helpful and I'm glad you both said what you did. One less thing to toss and turn about in bed tonight. Thanks. I'm so upset I almost can't think straight myself.

Ggma, reading it as you wrote it, yes, I can see it more clearly now. x

My friend is back in Canada now Lemony. It was just a few weeks after her return that this happened. I had spoken to her by phone just two days earlier and she had seemed okay then.

I can't really afford it but I feel like jumping on the next plane out there, though they probably wouldn't tell me anything as I'm not a relative, as her boyfried isn't either of course....and her son has been off the map for ages....and where she is now is miles away from where she lives, but at least I'd see her....then have to say goodbye again.
I need to think, and I need to find out what the procedures are in Canada .
There's a lot to be said for marrying your boyfriends and picking best friends who live near you, to be sure.

 

[jenniferpa]

One of our moderators (Canadian Joanne) is in Canada so I expect she'll be able to give you a few pointers when she reads your post.

If she was my friend I think I'd be inclined to tell her that her dogs are kenneled while she gets better. I understand that she won't get better, but what you are trying to do is minimize the upset.

 

[Joodie]

Thanks, Jennifer.
I phoned my friend yesterday and she asked again about her dogs. I told her they were safe and not to worry but she asked me how I knew that. I said that when she went into hospital they arranged for the dogs' care and they would be waiting for her for when she gets better. She seemed to accept that.
I don't think she has been told she has dementia. She is trying to make sense of things in her own way.
Good news is she likes where she is, likes the people and all the visitors, whosever they are, and all the nurses, likes the garden (but not the brambles)She is being well fed from the sounds of it, which is good as she has had eating problems most of her life.
Above all she likes having people around her and I have always told her she is not the sort of person to live alone. What a way to get company though.
If Canadian Joanne reads this thread and can throw some light on how things work in Canada for dementia sufferers, i would be most grateful.
Thanks again to all who have replied x

 

[rjm]

Hi Joodie,
How terrible to have this happen to a friend who is so far away, and just after a lovely visit too! The exact procedure assistance for those with dementia in Canada varies depending on which province they live in. The national Alzheimer's Society site is http://www.alzheimer.ca/en. Click the "Find another Alzheimer Society" link at the top right of the page to find the list of provincial societies. Once you find the contact info for the society in your friend's province they should be able to help with more information. Regarding her dogs, I would be inclined to go along with saying that they are being looked after until she is better and hope the question fades from her memory.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Hi Joodie,
As rjm said, it depends upon which province your friend lives in. They all have their own procedures. I am in Ontario and only have personal experience here. Is there anyone else at all in Canada who can step in? Let me know where your friend is located. It makes a huge difference here.

 

[Joodie]

Thank you Richard and Joanne. I found the Nova Scotia Alzheimers help and info line's telephone number and called them today.
I was put through to a very helpful and really nice lady who helped a lot.
I gave her the information about my friend's circumstances. I know now why my friend is where she is, Truro hospital, and also that she won't be there permanently. She is not actually "in care" but it is like a temporary care section within the hospital, separate from the rest. What a good idea !
She went through the "what if's " and what options there are too. More assessments and decisions are ahead.
They sound not too dis-similar to over here. ( My husband is in a care home though he does not have dementia. )
She said I could call her again any time I want to - and so can my friend who can use the toll-free number.....although I don't see myself encouraging her to call the Alzheimers line when she hasn't been told about her dementia yet....but perhaps later.
I needn't worry any more either about losing contact with her, thank goodness - and thank you good people too.

Judy.

 

[Joodie]

Sorry - I said " they sound not too dis-similar to "over here. " "
I meant "....to here in England".

 

[rjm]

So glad to hear that you were able to get through and find some answers to put your mind at rest a bit. Now instead of planning a panicky visit you can plan one out for later on when you can both enjoy each others company .
All the best.

 

[Joodie]

So glad to hear that you were able to get through and find some answers to put your mind at rest a bit. Now instead of planning a panicky visit you can plan one out for later on when you can both enjoy each others company .
All the best.

Just to say I am planning on going to see my friend next May. The medical insurance will be high, which is why she always came here, not vice versa ,but I need to do it even though I think she will have forgotten about it before I even get back to Heathrow.
Still no details, as we, her friend, her neighbour and myself, are not relatives, and have no contact with her son. I am guessing from her eating habits and from what her neighbour who has visited her says, she might have Korsakoff disease, a form of dementia which includes being unable to make new memories. She did like a drink too, and often when she was depressed I am sure she did not bother eating at all....well, I know it. She always said she was not anorexic, but if she did not get enough thiamine, vitamin B1, that would have been the cause. Like other forms of dementia, there is no cure
I am still devastated. It was so sudden.
We were very close and she was a big part of my life, and I of hers. Our memories are part of who we are and a lot of hers have gone now, so I will treasure them for both of us.
All is not lost happily as I can talk to her albeit briefly on the phone and she always sounds happy and cheerful, which is how she is mostly, but she cries when we say goodbye.
It must be awful wakening up in a strange place every day, not knowing anybody, or where you are or how you got there, and having to wear what you see as "other people's" clothes.
This is what it must be like for alzheimers people when it gets a bit more advanced.

Please, be gentle with them ....and keep loving them.

 

[rjm]

How nice that you will be able to arrange a visit. And even if, as you suspect, she doesn't remember it you will always have the memory. I do hope you will be able to establish some kind of connection with her son so that you can remain aware of her condition.