Hello, i am new to here but i needed to chat to people who know what im going through, my dad was diagnosed 3 year ago with vascular dementia since then he has this ongoing issue with money he accuses me of pinching it when swaps pockets. His temper has got so bad recently especially with me and calling me nasty names and tonight he has tried to hit me. I moved in with him because social services wont put him into care. Is it normal for someone with dementia to behave?
Aggresion
- Thread starter chisnalla
- Start date
Hello Chisnalla
I don't have direct experience of this, but I have read loads of other people's stories that are the same as yours. Confusion as to what is reality is dead common. And accusations of taking money similarly. It seems very common for people with dementia to behave "out of character" to how they used to be. My little mum, quiet as a mouse all her life, suddenly became quite bolshi. Though thankfully never accused me of anything. I was lucky.
Hope you get some comfort and good advice from this forum. I'm sure you will.
Love
Margaret
I don't have direct experience of this, but I have read loads of other people's stories that are the same as yours. Confusion as to what is reality is dead common. And accusations of taking money similarly. It seems very common for people with dementia to behave "out of character" to how they used to be. My little mum, quiet as a mouse all her life, suddenly became quite bolshi. Though thankfully never accused me of anything. I was lucky.
Hope you get some comfort and good advice from this forum. I'm sure you will.
Love
Margaret
That is part of the illness. He doesn't understand he has a problem, in fact he know he is fine so someone else is messing with his things just to make him look stupid. Who could that be? The only person must be Chisnalla.
Unfortunately the agression can be usual but you don't have to take it. If you feel in danger then call the police if you feel you can't control the sitution.
Do you have any outside help and has he been assessed recently? It may be time to get another one done.
Chisnalla,
Unfortunately the situation you are describing is quite common as people forget what they have done with things and therefore interpret this as someone having stolen them. As this has escalated to the point that you are being threatened with violence then you must contact your dad's GP or Memory Clinic and tell them about it.
Please also ensure that you have a room in the house that you can move to in order to be safe and put a lock on the door of this room. Make sure that you either have a mobile phone or there is a phone in the room so that you can call out for help if necessary. It is often recommended that you retreat to this room as soon as you can see the agitation starting and remain there until the person has calmed down. As your dad is not responsible for his actions due to the dementia, it is not worth putting yourself in danger. Please do not hesitate to call the police too. Not only are they trained in dealing with such incidents, they will also have to send a report to social services and his GP. This can prove invaluable particularly if the SW is refusing to consider your dad for residential care.
Fiona
Unfortunately the situation you are describing is quite common as people forget what they have done with things and therefore interpret this as someone having stolen them. As this has escalated to the point that you are being threatened with violence then you must contact your dad's GP or Memory Clinic and tell them about it.
Please also ensure that you have a room in the house that you can move to in order to be safe and put a lock on the door of this room. Make sure that you either have a mobile phone or there is a phone in the room so that you can call out for help if necessary. It is often recommended that you retreat to this room as soon as you can see the agitation starting and remain there until the person has calmed down. As your dad is not responsible for his actions due to the dementia, it is not worth putting yourself in danger. Please do not hesitate to call the police too. Not only are they trained in dealing with such incidents, they will also have to send a report to social services and his GP. This can prove invaluable particularly if the SW is refusing to consider your dad for residential care.
Fiona
hi chisnalla
My dad gets aggressive when he needs personal care done by carers or other times when he's frustrated and can't manage to do something. Have you had an assessment of your dad's needs by social services? You are entitled to one. If they have assessed him and not offered help you can appeal and they must tell you how to do that. Was your dad's dementia diagnosis done by GP or a memory clinic? If it's the memory clinic you should be able to phone them for advice and ask for help from the community mental health team. I find psychiatric nurses are really helpful because they can explain why difficult behaviour happens.
I know how difficult it can be to get help but keep insisting that you can't cope alone, especially if you're afraid for your own safety.
Hope things improve for you x
My dad gets aggressive when he needs personal care done by carers or other times when he's frustrated and can't manage to do something. Have you had an assessment of your dad's needs by social services? You are entitled to one. If they have assessed him and not offered help you can appeal and they must tell you how to do that. Was your dad's dementia diagnosis done by GP or a memory clinic? If it's the memory clinic you should be able to phone them for advice and ask for help from the community mental health team. I find psychiatric nurses are really helpful because they can explain why difficult behaviour happens.
I know how difficult it can be to get help but keep insisting that you can't cope alone, especially if you're afraid for your own safety.
Hope things improve for you x
Aggression (possibly)
Not really had this problem with MIL but when we last say Psychologist (useless!) she did want to leave as "everyone is testing me" and she did hit my husband to get him out of the way. Luckily I managed to calm things down and get MIL to stay but I think she could become aggressive at some stage. It is hard when she has been tested but does not meet other criteria for Alzheimers or dementia. She is a bit crafty and knows what is going on but then plays up again, especially with my husband. It is so sad to see but very frustrating too. As anyone else had a relative assessed but with not much conclusion? Maybe it is just early days but we all still have to deal with the situation and my husband is ill anyway and I am his carer.
Not really had this problem with MIL but when we last say Psychologist (useless!) she did want to leave as "everyone is testing me" and she did hit my husband to get him out of the way. Luckily I managed to calm things down and get MIL to stay but I think she could become aggressive at some stage. It is hard when she has been tested but does not meet other criteria for Alzheimers or dementia. She is a bit crafty and knows what is going on but then plays up again, especially with my husband. It is so sad to see but very frustrating too. As anyone else had a relative assessed but with not much conclusion? Maybe it is just early days but we all still have to deal with the situation and my husband is ill anyway and I am his carer.
My husband had blood tests and MRI scan before the diagnosis of alheimers was given to us. Memory tests are just a very simple way to see if there is a memory problem that can of course be caused by a couple of underlying medical conditions which once treated clear the memory loss.
Jay
Jay
Aggression
Hi there.. yes I have experienced aggression with my MIL. What we do now is NOT challenge it. We allow her to go on.. she ends up walking backwards and forwards to the kitchen from her bedroom - pours some water in her cup, sips it, tips it away .. then goes back to her room... this can go on for about an hour... (now i must add here this is normally a lady that can hardly walk - she shuffles a lot of the time - but when agressed boy she can walk / run as fast if not faster than we can!).. we let her go through the emotions... then when she settles.. I re go into her and say it is time to get into bed... i have a few moments of 'tantrums' ie throwing her clothes.. but keeping the same tone all the time I dont argue with her.. i let her do her thing as I call it.. she then gets into bed and that is that..
If aggression gets bad the thing is to walk away and ignore it.. dont say anything - because you wont win.. it is pointless fueling it.. eventually they will sit down or lay down and then it is all over till the next time.. But we have been told by our Alzheimer guy - that if the hitting out gets worse then it is time to do something about it. 9/10 you can challenge it down if you are the dominant carer.. but it does get to a point where nothing you say works.. the MIL is right and that is that..
Personally i keep the same tone in my voice - I dont raise it - I keep it exactely the same - this can rattle her - but she gets less and less when she realises I am not challenging her - and she thinks she has won the battle..
The hardest part of all of this is that you think it is aimed directly at you when infact it is not.. But 'WE' as carers do take it to heart.. that is normal... because you care and are there.. and this is very very very hard to get it in our heads that this person we are caring is ill and does not know what they are doing... rising above it is the key.. but it is very hard to do... how nurses do it everyday is beyond me... but then i suppose they are trained as we are not....
Like our MIL you could honestly beleive that she knows exactely what she is doing - and is doing it deliberately to wind you up - it is so convincing - then you have to try to stand back and remember that it is the dementia doing it..
But as the others have said if the agression is 'bad' hitting out excetra then get some outside help... because it is needed..... you do not have to put up with aggression.
I wish you well.. I hope my points from our experiences help in some way..
PS also a lock on your door would be good.. we have done that and it gives us a bit of privacy and security to our minds... when MIL trys to get in the rattling of the knob wakes us... but it gives peace of mind...
Hi there.. yes I have experienced aggression with my MIL. What we do now is NOT challenge it. We allow her to go on.. she ends up walking backwards and forwards to the kitchen from her bedroom - pours some water in her cup, sips it, tips it away .. then goes back to her room... this can go on for about an hour... (now i must add here this is normally a lady that can hardly walk - she shuffles a lot of the time - but when agressed boy she can walk / run as fast if not faster than we can!).. we let her go through the emotions... then when she settles.. I re go into her and say it is time to get into bed... i have a few moments of 'tantrums' ie throwing her clothes.. but keeping the same tone all the time I dont argue with her.. i let her do her thing as I call it.. she then gets into bed and that is that..
If aggression gets bad the thing is to walk away and ignore it.. dont say anything - because you wont win.. it is pointless fueling it.. eventually they will sit down or lay down and then it is all over till the next time.. But we have been told by our Alzheimer guy - that if the hitting out gets worse then it is time to do something about it. 9/10 you can challenge it down if you are the dominant carer.. but it does get to a point where nothing you say works.. the MIL is right and that is that..
Personally i keep the same tone in my voice - I dont raise it - I keep it exactely the same - this can rattle her - but she gets less and less when she realises I am not challenging her - and she thinks she has won the battle..
The hardest part of all of this is that you think it is aimed directly at you when infact it is not.. But 'WE' as carers do take it to heart.. that is normal... because you care and are there.. and this is very very very hard to get it in our heads that this person we are caring is ill and does not know what they are doing... rising above it is the key.. but it is very hard to do... how nurses do it everyday is beyond me... but then i suppose they are trained as we are not....
Like our MIL you could honestly beleive that she knows exactely what she is doing - and is doing it deliberately to wind you up - it is so convincing - then you have to try to stand back and remember that it is the dementia doing it..
But as the others have said if the agression is 'bad' hitting out excetra then get some outside help... because it is needed..... you do not have to put up with aggression.
I wish you well.. I hope my points from our experiences help in some way..
PS also a lock on your door would be good.. we have done that and it gives us a bit of privacy and security to our minds... when MIL trys to get in the rattling of the knob wakes us... but it gives peace of mind...
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not just me then?
Hi Gingertrixy, everything you have said there is so true, ive just come to the bedroom because he is starting again then 2 mins later he was singing happy birthday to the tv. Sometimes i do think is it just me am i just imaging he has an illness but deep down i know he has this is not my dad or how he ever behaved. I just hope that ss help me on tue as im the only family dad has and i work fulltime. The emotions carers go through is so overwhelming but its good to have a forum like this so we know we are not alone.
Hi Gingertrixy, everything you have said there is so true, ive just come to the bedroom because he is starting again then 2 mins later he was singing happy birthday to the tv. Sometimes i do think is it just me am i just imaging he has an illness but deep down i know he has this is not my dad or how he ever behaved. I just hope that ss help me on tue as im the only family dad has and i work fulltime. The emotions carers go through is so overwhelming but its good to have a forum like this so we know we are not alone.
Hi there.. yes I have experienced aggression with my MIL. What we do now is NOT challenge it. We allow her to go on.. she ends up walking backwards and forwards to the kitchen from her bedroom - pours some water in her cup, sips it, tips it away .. then goes back to her room... this can go on for about an hour... (now i must add here this is normally a lady that can hardly walk - she shuffles a lot of the time - but when agressed boy she can walk / run as fast if not faster than we can!).. we let her go through the emotions... then when she settles.. I re go into her and say it is time to get into bed... i have a few moments of 'tantrums' ie throwing her clothes.. but keeping the same tone all the time I dont argue with her.. i let her do her thing as I call it.. she then gets into bed and that is that..
If aggression gets bad the thing is to walk away and ignore it.. dont say anything - because you wont win.. it is pointless fueling it.. eventually they will sit down or lay down and then it is all over till the next time.. But we have been told by our Alzheimer guy - that if the hitting out gets worse then it is time to do something about it. 9/10 you can challenge it down if you are the dominant carer.. but it does get to a point where nothing you say works.. the MIL is right and that is that..
Personally i keep the same tone in my voice - I dont raise it - I keep it exactely the same - this can rattle her - but she gets less and less when she realises I am not challenging her - and she thinks she has won the battle..
The hardest part of all of this is that you think it is aimed directly at you when infact it is not.. But 'WE' as carers do take it to heart.. that is normal... because you care and are there.. and this is very very very hard to get it in our heads that this person we are caring is ill and does not know what they are doing... rising above it is the key.. but it is very hard to do... how nurses do it everyday is beyond me... but then i suppose they are trained as we are not....
Like our MIL you could honestly beleive that she knows exactely what she is doing - and is doing it deliberately to wind you up - it is so convincing - then you have to try to stand back and remember that it is the dementia doing it..
But as the others have said if the agression is 'bad' hitting out excetra then get some outside help... because it is needed..... you do not have to put up with aggression.
I wish you well.. I hope my points from our experiences help in some way..
PS also a lock on your door would be good.. we have done that and it gives us a bit of privacy and security to our minds... when MIL trys to get in the rattling of the knob wakes us... but it gives peace of mind...
