Denial, Rocks and hard Places - a different life beckons

[Big Effort]

Good morning to all of you!

I am grateful to this forum and the lovely, wise souls who reply and point the way in this painful descent into the living loss of a very loved mother. Such a fine, intelligent, loving person and now I will have to put her in a home.

As I have expressed in other posts, I am new-ish to the forum and it is helping me to emerge from my blissful (well no bliss really) state of denial and confront the fact that Mum has advanced Alzheimers, I cannot care for her because I need the income to provide for my kids at uni, and I have been MOST UNWISE in hiding my head in the sand about this as we now have severe financial woes.

Inside I cry, I grieve, I slip into denial at the drop of a hat ("She had a happy day today, you can do this, she isn't ready for a care home yet"), I lie awake at night, and other times I cope well emotionally.

The home. This has floored me. I had anticipated a major battle to get Mum into the home. This suited me as I would have deflected all my negative energy/emotions about Mum and the dementia, and channeled it into battling to get her a place. There is to be no battle. All I had to do was fill in the forms, and the place awaits her. So I am left to 'deal' with the sadness, sense of failure, loss, also knowing that this may well finish her as she is adamant about not going into a home.

Also a process is unfolding within. A kind of excitement about what life would be like if it were lived on my own terms, not dementia terms. Being able to get a job, being financially independent, being able to support the kids at uni, perhaps a short holiday, a meal out with friends.....

What am I doing? To facilitate my journey from carer/unemployed/poor person to at work and part of 'real life', I have asked a retired social worker who knows the ropes in France to accompany me. I set goals and agree to meet her a week later. Last week I met all my goals: signing Mum up for a home and other stuff. This week my goals are about job finding. Is this fun? No. But yesterday when I phoned her and saw what I had achieved, I had a sense of satisfaction/empowerment.

I have to face the fact that these three years have been a form of escapism, denial, because the lack of income has put us in a very precarious financial situation. It is time to wake up, face the changes, and see what adventures beckon in a new, different life.

That's it. Now I must start about achieving my targets.

 

[counttoten]

Your Mum

Hello. I just wanted to say well done in setting targets and finding someone to discuss achieving them with. As you say, you have been in your Mum's world for a long time and these (needed) changes are big ones.
You say that you mother does not know that you have found her a place in a home. What are your plans for carrying out the move?
I ask because I recently contacted 2 small nursing homes in my area. The staff that I spoke to said that virtually every new resident arrives adamant that they do not have alzheimers, insisting that they are actually fine. The message seems to be that relatives tell would-be residents that they will be having a 'holiday' or going somewhere temporarily in order to regain their strength. After a time, residents accept and are usually content with their new home. This information gave me some hope that one day my own mother will accept a move to a nursing home with as little trauma as possible.
Good luck with your targets!
...L
x

 

[Kathphlox]

Well done Big Effort

I do hope all goes well with your mother and that your life can get back to some sort of normality again. Good luck in finding that job, I wish you well

 

[salacious]

Grab life with both hands

Big Effort,

Id like to say to you that all these emotions you feel are normal, that doesnt help to remove them but I always find a little strength from knowing that we are all going through them together on here.

I'd also like to put forward to you that if your mother could read what you have put you know for sure that the woman who gave you life would want you to live it ( and love it) to the best of your ability.

All the best, and good luck getting a new job!

Sara
X

 

[thatwoman]

Good luck!

I'm at the other end of the journey now, as my Dad died 3 weeks ago. I just want to say that once Dad went into the home, life did become much easier. The main difference was that I could sleep at night. (I've forgotten how now, as the last few weeks I was constantly on call, but that was different.) Dad's quality of life was greatly improved. At home he was reluctant to eat, but in the home he seemed to respond to the social atmosphere and could be persuaded to eat a much wider range of foods. He was looked after by a wider range of carers, so if he refused to do something for one person, he could often be persuaded by another. There were activities which Dad would have refused if he was at home, but (to be polite), he joined in and had a great time. If I hadn't seen the photos I'd never have believed that Dad would have joined in dancing with the girls! Most of all, I was free to have a different relationship with him, no longer being the person who made him do things he didn't want to do, but the person he was (usually) pleased to see. I became his advocate, making sure he got what he needed, fighting for his rights, and coordinating the services we used. It was a new way of doing things. The responsibility never leaves you, but you have people to share it with, and if you go away for a few days, that's ok. If I went out to the toilet during a visit to Dad, he would think it was a completely new visit when I returned: when I went to London for my grand-daughter's birth and stayed for a week, he never noticed I'd been away!

So grasp your new life with both hands. It will still be hard emotionally, but it will be doable. Now all you have to do is find a job! Remember that you have so many skills from the care you have given your Mum, as well as whatever you did in your past life, and don't undersell yourself. I wish you every success in your new future. I keep saying I won't be around much now, but I don't seem ready to let go yet. I'll be back in work in September, so just now I'm in freefall, so I need my TP family around me.

Love, Sue xxx

 

[Big Effort]

I'm at the other end of the journey now, as my Dad died 3 weeks ago. I just want to say that once Dad went into the home, life did become much easier. The main difference was that I could sleep at night.

Thank you all for your comments, I have read them several times already. Thatwoman, I just loved your inspiring story of how a vulnerable, loved one can make the transition from home (isn't that where we all want to be?) to a care home. I think I will print this out, stick it on a card, and read it every time I lose my nerve.

The deed still has to be done, mind, and I hope that with my compassionate colleagues on the forum, that I will manage to do what needs to be done with dignity and holding my head high. I haven't done things perfectly, but I have always, always been there when she needed me.

Thank you!

 

[rjm]

Dear BE
Best of luck as you head off into your "new, different life". You are certainly starting out with the right attitude. I hope finding a job proves as effortless as finding a care home turned out to be.
Please keep notes of your journey to a different life, I may well need to borrow the roadmap later on

 

[thatwoman]

Thanks Big Effort. I just thought you'd need to hear the positives, because you'll be able to think up all the negatives for yourself!
There's one thing I forgot to tell you. For the last year before he went into the home, Dad lived in the house he'd been in for 50 years, but he was constantly packing to go "home". After he'd been in the nursing home for 6 months, he had another stroke and was taken to hospital. It was a nightmare visit because he couldn't understand what was going on and the nursing staff didn't seem to know how to deal with him. I asked to take him back to the home, and it was eventually agreed. We travelled back by ambulance and one of the carers came out to greet us. Dad took one look at her and beamed. "Thank God I'm home!" he said. After that, I knew I'd made the right choice.
I can't promise that it will be an easy ride getting your Mum there, but once she's settled, you'll be able to be her daughter rather than her carer.

Keep us posted!
Sue, xxx

 

[Big Effort]

To Richard:

Please keep notes of your journey to a different life, I may well need to borrow the roadmap later on

Richard, you can count on it. Really! The nicest thing about this forum, is there are many absolutely outstanding people on it - and you are one of them. These dementia journeys will eventually end, and you are so right, life on the outside is a bit unfamiliar. But Richard, the freedom smells good to me. Know, that when your time comes to take this step, I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU. Maybe a spot of travel? Ever been to la belle France?
Say a nice hello from me to Sharon, and herewith I send you a great big hug!

For Sue:

I can't promise that it will be an easy ride getting your Mum there, but once she's settled, you'll be able to be her daughter rather than her carer.

Sue, you are saying just the right things. Left to my own devices I just panic, feel a failure, cry and cry and cry..... none of these strategies bring me closer to dealing with the mechanics of getting Mum into care. I realise that first I have to be 'comfortable' with the horrendous decision that I cannot keep her at home..... so far those boundaries have all been painful. Your two messages are like lanterns lighting up the dark path. While there is darkness, you have shown me that there can be light. It does give me courage to proceed, even a justification as it could be really the best option for both of us. I would love to be just the daughter, visiting, chatting, being upbeat - not much is upbeat at home as she is dissolving before my eyes. Thank you for putting some hope into a sad end. Big hugs and lots of gratitude. xxx

 

[Margaret W]

But it need not be a sad end. It could be just what your mum needs, a new life, meeting new people, taking part in activities. It will be different from what she was used to before, but not necessarily sad. Go with it, see what happens, and never have any regrets, cos you always did your best.

Love

Margaret

 

[rjm]

Say a nice hello from me to Sharon, and herewith I send you a great big hug!

Merci

 

[Chemmy]

But it need not be a sad end. It could be just what your mum needs, a new life, meeting new people, taking part in activities. It will be different from what she was used to before, but not necessarily sad. Go with it, see what happens, and never have any regrets, cos you always did your best.

Love

Margaret

Agreed.