from bad to worse to goodness knows where next..

Isabella41

Registered User
Feb 20, 2012
904
0
Northern Ireland
Mum rang me at work yesterday afternoon. She ordered me to go round and see her last night. She said the GP had been to see her and had upset her so she needed to speak to me about it. I enquired what had been said. She said the GP told her that if she wanted to move back to xxxx then I would need to organise it. The GP also told her there was no need to change her medication and that there was no infections etc. Mum apparently thinks she is very unwell and so was expecting new/additional pills. According to her the doctor is useless because she didn't get new pills. My mother is not used to being told no. I told her that I would be there on Saturday as previously agreed.

I then rang the doctor. I was told the the GP found mum is no more depressed than at any other time. Her physical health is good considering her age, etc. She said that all offers of help such as 3 days of day centre attendance was refused. Mum told the doctor she had no family or friends in the area and sat in her flat all day every day all alone. At some point during the GP visit Liana arrived but it was not recorded if she spoke personally with her. The GP spoke to the warden who confirmed mum sits for 2-3 hours every day with her neighbours in a communal sitting area. The GP has formed the opinion that mum has made up her mind that she does not want to integrate into her new surroundings as is determined to be as miserable as possible. There's not alot I can say to that. The GP said mum has no insight whatsoever into the fact that she has dementia and needs care.

Last night mum rang me at home. "you never called round". I said "I did tell you i would be round on Saturday". She then launched into how Margaret had been on the phone. Margaret apparently said it was a disgrace the way I was treating mum considering all she had done for me. My only reply was "is that so". I willing to bet Margaret said no such thing. Mum has become quite good at putting her own words into other people's mouths. I could start so many arguments if I acted on everything she said. Mum then launched into me and told me how useless I was and that she was turning her back on me. She told me to never darken her door again and that she wanted nothing more to do with me. 10 chances to 1 she'll have forgotten about it either today or tomorrow.

It seems if she can't get her own way she tries
1. being sugar sweet to persuade you to come to her way of thinking
2. flicks a switch and starts to cry to see if that will work
3. start being verbally abusive - maybe that will work
4. If all else fails threaten. Lately its been Solicitors

I would love to just bundle her and her possessions up and leave her back in xxxx but I know this would not be wise. It would be akin to leaving a small child on the street to fend for itself. Mum has this great ideal in her mind that all will be ok if I could only get back to xxxx. She diesn't realise that back there she would be totally on her own with no carers and no social supports of any kind. Yes her so called friends would visit but there is no one to help her with food, laundry, medication, bills etc. All the essentials of day to day living would be on her own head.

Even after all that's gone on I hate to see mum so unhappy but for now her safety and her other needs are met so its all I can do. The happiness she is seeking is not possible in that it would require her moving back xxxx and then having someone live with her 24/7. She was complaining of loneliness when she was living back there so its been an ongoing thing. I noticed other ladies in her care home also complained of being lonely yet they were sitting in groups of people.

Isabella
 

bemused1

Registered User
Mar 4, 2012
3,402
0
Oh Isabella so much to cope with! There is just no reasoning with someone who has no insight and no getting away from it.
I have been battling with my oh over his physical health and his head in the sand attitude for many years and now the same with his memory. I am just hoping that he won't go the way of your mother because I can't get away from it.
I am taking heart from all your posts in realising that there is another way for me, there is no more I can do for him. You have done so much in handling this situation and I only which your daughters would grow up and appreciate that.
Keep strong.
 

SWMBO1950

Registered User
Nov 17, 2011
2,076
0
Essex
I have to say Isabella you handled the situation very well. Refusing to argue, sticking to the I'll be round on Saturday and confirming things with the doctor who appears to have your mum off to a tee ;) !

For you own sanity and health I think this is the way forward :)
 

Lulabelle

Registered User
Jul 2, 2012
303
0
South West France
Isabella, I am so sorry to hear of your continuing battles. I have read many of your posts and must say that I am shocked and horrified at the beating you take on a regular basis from those who are supposed to care about you the most. I know you are not the only one on this forum to suffer in this way but I must say that I feel that your posts must give inspiration to all the others. I know that you have a fantastic husband and hope you take great comfort from knowing that he is not the only one on your side.
I know this has been said before many times but I really do not think your mother would be happy wherever she was and, as you are the only one who seems to realise what her needs are, you must be secure in the knowledge that you are doing all you can to keep her safe. You can do no more.
Thinking of you in your continued troubles.
Lulabelle
xx
 

Nanak

Registered User
Mar 25, 2010
1,979
0
64
Brisbane Australia
To be honest Isabella with your Mums mind in the state its in even if she did move back to xxxx and had someone living with her 24/7 I doubt it would make her happy. There would always be something to be upset and angry about :(
You are doing all you can, and I am so glad to see you handling the stress better than you were. :D
Nanak
missing what has gone and scared of what is to come
 

zeeeb

Registered User
she must be just furious that she has lost control of you. must be killing her inside to not have her slave to drop everything for her at a moments notice when she needs a punching bag. maybe you could buy her a punching bag? that might help ease her frustrations?
 

KAnne

Account Closed
Apr 27, 2012
297
0
she must be just furious that she has lost control of you. must be killing her inside to not have her slave to drop everything for her at a moments notice when she needs a punching bag. maybe you could buy her a punching bag? that might help ease her frustrations?

She's ill, don't forget that!
 

ggma

Registered User
Feb 18, 2012
1,126
0
North Staffordshire
Sending you my thoughts, and understand how hard all this is for you, but you are doing the right thing.

It is good that the GP understood the situation so well, and you know that she is not really lonely she is surrounded by people, however as you have posted your Mum's personality has always been the same, so it will not change now, and sad through it is she does not seem to have the capacity to be happy with herself, so continues to try and beat up others.

Stay strong, no one could do more than you, and one day it will be over and you will have peace of mind knowing you did everything and more than you could be expected to do.
 

craftyviola

Registered User
Feb 17, 2012
254
0
Malvern
Isabella, I am sorry that things have moved in this direction though however, you should at least be assurred that the GP has the measure of your Mum.

I agree with the comments already made - stick to your guns, keep contact to the barest minimum and do not rise to her seemingly manipulative behaviour. Do not become the target of don't bullying and as you are already doing, take whatever she is telling you (about who said what) with a huge pinch of salt. How much of this behaviour is dementia related is of course only what you know but the effects are the same of grinding you down and having an adverse impact on your own health.

Has there been any developments since your meeting last Thursday I wonder? Anyone looking into the issues raised and discussed?

Do take care of yourself. xx
 

chucky

Registered User
Feb 17, 2011
968
0
UK
Isabella, i think youve done well by sticking to your guns and not rising to her every whim. However, bearing in mind she is ill, i dont think her yearning to go back would be satisfied if she did. The yearning isnt materialistic its in her head and as such, she will still be trying to find "home" no matter where she is. Its a catch 22, give in and shes on her own and goodness knows how that would work, dont help and youre the one who comes off the worse with guilt. I would be tempted to let the authorities decide where she goes and its on their heads should a crisis arise. Also if she kicks off by phoning you just put the phone down. You dont need to listen to her ranting and raving, maybe once she knows she hasnt got your attention she'll move on to someone else, maybe then they will realise you are not the baddie in this.
 

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,992
0
UK
She's ill, don't forget that!

She may be ill but she is an ill control freak who spent most of her life putting herself first. It is very difficult to care for someone who has made it their life's work to belittle and insult you.

The GP said mum has no insight whatsoever into the fact that she has dementia and needs care.

This sounds like the start of the medical profession saying she lacks capacity.
 

SWMBO1950

Registered User
Nov 17, 2011
2,076
0
Essex
I'm with you Onlyme.

Ill or not no one should have to endure what Isabella has to put up with :(


She may be ill but she is an ill control freak who spent most of her life putting herself first. It is very difficult to care for someone who has made it their life's work to belittle and insult you.



This sounds like the start of the medical profession saying she lacks capacity.
 

Isabella41

Registered User
Feb 20, 2012
904
0
Northern Ireland
Has there been any developments since your meeting last Thursday I wonder? Anyone looking into the issues raised and discussed?

Viola - The only thing that came out of the meeting last Thursday was that I am only allowed to give mum money in the presence of the warden who signs the care plan to say she has seen me give the money. I agreed to this at the time but now thinking about it it is not going to work all that well. The warden and I have the same working hours so it means me going into work later when mum needs money. This is ok if once per week. I gave mum £30 on Thursday and by Saturday she was claiming it was all gone. All bills are paid by direct debit and I bring her groceries to her. Her only expenses are milk, lunch club and coffee morning. £12 would cover that. Its her money but at the same time I need to manage it effectively so that there is cash there to pay the bills and clothe and feed her etc. The care management meeting agreed that £30 was a fair and reasonable amount of what is essentially pocket money.

Its reassuring that the professionals involved can see clearly how manipulative mum is and have noted that she is very resistive to intervention. It has also been noted that she lacks insight into her needs. As "onlyme" said hopefully this is the start of the process to have her properly deemed to lack capacity and that they will see sense and have her back in care where she will be safe and looked after before long.

I think mum's biggest issue is that she can't work out what's happened to me. All my life I've been this pliable little mouse who jumped everytime she demanded. I became my father in that it was easier to give her what she wanted rather than listen to her rant. Somewhere in the past 6 months I reached the end of my rope and stood up and said no more. Mother is not used to me being assertive and saying no to her so she really doesn't like it and is trying every trick she can think of to pull me back in line.

Isabella
 

SWMBO1950

Registered User
Nov 17, 2011
2,076
0
Essex
I personally would not put the phone down on her. Just leave the receiver on the table or where ever and let her rant. Go about what you are doing and then just check back every few minutes to see if she has hung up. No one can argue with a silent phone !!

Mother or not no one needs this kind of abuse and lets face it - it is abuse -in their life!!


Isabella, i think youve done well by sticking to your guns and not rising to her every whim. However, bearing in mind she is ill, i dont think her yearning to go back would be satisfied if she did. The yearning isnt materialistic its in her head and as such, she will still be trying to find "home" no matter where she is. Its a catch 22, give in and shes on her own and goodness knows how that would work, dont help and youre the one who comes off the worse with guilt. I would be tempted to let the authorities decide where she goes and its on their heads should a crisis arise. Also if she kicks off by phoning you just put the phone down. You dont need to listen to her ranting and raving, maybe once she knows she hasnt got your attention she'll move on to someone else, maybe then they will realise you are not the baddie in this.
 
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Isabella41

Registered User
Feb 20, 2012
904
0
Northern Ireland
I was just in the door from work when my phone went. It was mum. "I wanted to apoligise for what I said". Mmm. I just said thank you for the apology and she hung up. I think she probably realised that by telling me not to come back she was shooting herself in the foot. All the others do a good job of winding her up and egging her on but its muggins here she depends on for the practical stuff like paying bills and getting her food. It also goes to show that she is perfectly well aware at times when she does overtstep the mark and let her mouth run away with itself. Its as if she knows there is a point that she had better not cross. I'm not kidding myself however that it will be back to the more 'normal' insults tomorrow!!

Isabella
 

craftyviola

Registered User
Feb 17, 2012
254
0
Malvern
I am full of admiration for your courage, Isabella in taking a stand against what must be a difficult situation. Well done for perservering - it is sending a clear message, even for a short space of time.

In my own situation, I had always just put up with the bullying from my older sister and she also bullied my Mum too, though when Mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia she refused to believe it (while trying to step in to "rescue" her from all the "terrible" things I was doing, putting her in a care home, taking over her finances etc etc)

What I have learned, as I think you are, that there are certain things in life that I couldn't change (my sister's nasty behaviour) but that I could change myself. Without a target a bully cannot bully and by refusing to be that target and empowering myself with the sort of strategies that you have adopted yourself, the tormenting finally stopped.

Like the Serenity Prayer says:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

You don't have to be religious to identify with this!

Keep at it Isabella - keep standing your ground.
 

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,992
0
UK
Maybe not Onlyme but there is a limit to how long anyone will talk to nothing ;)

Mum would have thought you were giving her the silent treatment and carried on ranting.:D

Isabella, at least she had some insight that she had gone too far.