Really Stressed Out

[Dm3840]

I apologize if this sounds like a bunch of nonsense rambling but this is my first post and I will probably have to write this over the course of several days because I do not get much time to work on things. I have been helping my parents out for several years. It has gotten to the point where they need someone with them constantly. I have been staying with them for about 18 months now. My dad has a lot of physical problems with severe COPD and kidney disease being the two worse ones. My mom has dementia that has progressively gotten worse over the course of the last 18 months. My dads condition prevents him from doing a lot to help my mom, but he tries. I teach school and I was able to take 12 weeks FMLA last year and my sister took 12 weeks also. With it currently being summer I am able to stay with them full time right now. I am concerned about what is going to happen when school starts again at the end of summer. We are trying to find someone to come in during the day but we are not having much luck. Because of costs, I would like to find something that Medicare would cover.
The stress that I experience is really getting to me. My mom will spend some days wandering the house constantly. We have to follow her around because we are concerned she will fall because she has a bad knee. She is also becoming weak because we have a lot of trouble getting her to eat. She will spend some days crying for various reasons. Sometimes she crys for relatives that have been deceased for over 30 years, she spends a lot of time crying that she wants to go home even though she is already home. She wants to go to a home from her youth that no longer exists. Sometimes she doesn't know why she is crying.
The meanness and hatefulness towards us is getting worse. I have learned to ignore it when she says bad things about me but my sister has a hard time handling it. I hope not to offend anyone with my next statement but I have become very angry at God. This kind of disease should not happen to good people. I believe this is something that He can stop but chooses not to so that we can all suffer.
Again this was written while spending a lot of time running around the house. Sorry if some of it doesn't make sense, I left out a lot of details. Thank you for reading.

 

[Butter]

Welcome to TP. I am very sorry to hear about your parents. You are clearly doing a lot for them and it will be demanding and exhausting.

I just wonder if you are posting from the United States? The reason I ask is that I do not have much experience of US healthcare and social support systems. There are people on here who do - and I am sure you will get advice later.

But certainly it sounds as if you need more help than you have at the moment - and so do your parents. There are many medications which might relieve your mum's distress, for example.

 

[chucky]

Hi DM, im assuming youre in the states when you say mom and medicare its not words we use here. If so our social services system will i would imagine be nothing like yours so i cant help very much in the way of advice about that. You have come to the right place for support and you will find it in abundance here. Just being able to off load can be really helpful especially in the beginning and you are not alone when you say you are angry. I dont have a faith and i dont follow religion so again i wont comment on that, but i will say ive been in the same place feeling angry at the injustice of such a cruel disease and do feel at times that life is so unfair. Its such an emotional roller coaster and in my experience ive been pushed to the limit many times but have found being here at TP has helped enormously as we are all going through the same things at different times so theres always someone who's been there already and can give you their advice on what they do/did. Sorry i cant be more helpful but please keep posting and im sure someone will be along soon that maybe knows how the US system works.

 

[Big Effort]

Dear DM,
I read your post and my heart really goes out to you. Obviously you and your sister are already doing a phenomenal job, and yet you have to work too. Not easy.

Like the others, I am not living in the States - I assume you are based on your terminology - so cannot comment on things over there.

You face a double burden with both parents frail and needy, so it is small wonder you are stressed. I have just one parent, Mum, with Alzheimers, and that stresses me out often enough.

Regarding the behavioral problems, the crying (which is acutely upsetting for kin), mean-temperedness, these may be offset by medication, small mercy, I know, but worth finding out about. I have just started my Mum on Benzodiazapines (anti-anxiety), and gave her her first one "as required" three days ago. She spent the day in the garden reading contentedly - a far cry from the hyper-antagonistic-raving-obsessive-name calling-forceful woman of the day before. That nearly brought me to my knees.

About God. Yes, well..... the human race has spent about 56,000 years figuring that one out, no real progress made to date, I note. I am finally having the courage to face the fact that I am a non-believer. If God were there, why would a loving god let so many people suffer? My husband lost his dad to a drunk-driver, leaving two kids orphaned at 12 and 13. Would God support that? Nah, I think not.

When I was getting my psychology degree, I came across a nice little thing called 'The Just World Theory'. Now that is a genuine bias we humans have, we like things to be just and fair, we like to delude ourselves into thinking justice will be done, all will be well in the end etc. However we only have to look around to see that this bias is mere wishful thinking. Baddies get away with things, good people get cancer and Alzheimers, innocent people get raped, mobbed or murdered....

Hmmmm. I have just finished a text book on Cognitive behavioural therapy, and one of its basic tenets was that people realise that the world is not just, so expecting fair outcomes is setting ourselves up for a nasty wake up call.

What does this boil down to? Don't waste time asking/blaming god. If you want something to happen, take action yourself. Don't expect fairness, but just keep plugging away until you get what you need for your parents.

Two things I can tell you for free. Mum didn't deserve Alzheimers, yet she has it. And the disease is progressive, she only gets worse (and each step back rattles me, so I am a slow learner).

Keep posting as I would love to know how you fare. You are very courageous. Well done and I have no doubt that you will make all the right decisions when you get your hands on the possibilities available. Take care, xx Big Effort

 

[Amy]

hI dm3840,

Don't waste time asking/blaming god. If you want something to happen, take action yourself. Don't expect fairness, but just keep plugging away until you get what you need for your parents

That seems to me such a sensible view on life . I do not know whether God exists or not...if He does, for me He is a loving God, who will support me through whatever trials life throws at me. Alzheimers, COPD....to me they are neutral....not something God has control over....but faith can help an individual deal with these things in a more positive way. If you have faith, use it, allow your God to be a source of strength to support you in your pain, and in your fight to provide your parents with the care that they need

Amy

Love Amy

 

[Izzy]

Hi there. It sounds as if you really have your hands full. As others have said it's hard to advise as you seem to like in the US. Having said that we have one moderator who lives in the states and I'm sure she'll be able to help you out. She is likely to be online later. Her user name is jenniferpa.

Take care. x