Family skeletons and dementia

[Delphie]

I wonder if anyone can relate to what I'm about to write and, maybe, offer some words of wisdom.

My mum's Alzheimer's seems to be bringing to the surface all kinds of things I thought I'd dealt with. Difficult things from my childhood. In fact I can't decide if I do have a good handle on everything that happened (I thought I had!) and if the negative feelings I'm experiencing are normal given everything (they always felt like they were pretty normal), or if things do still need dealing with, or if what I'm experiencing is simply what's to be expected when trying to help someone who is paranoid, suspicious, often full of hate, and has absolutely no insight.

I'm considering counselling but I'm concerned that I might be opening a huge can of worms. I'm also wondering that even if it's a good idea if now is the right time, given that I am actually coping with caring for my mother who most definitely needs me, and I'm worried that I don't have the emotional reserves to go back into everything and still be able to fulfil the carer role while I work through it.

Half of me wants to leave well alone and the other half is asking what about me, and that half feels like the kid who was left to cope with things that were just too difficult. That kid wanted someone to step in and make things better, which is how I feel now about mum's dementia.

Family dynamics are complicated enough, aren't they, add dementia and I'm amazed so many of us manage to cope!

I'm also wondering if I'm looking for that opportunity, now obviously lost, to ask my mum those difficult questions, and so being unrealistic.

I'm struggling. If anyone can relate to this ramble please tell me your thoughts.

 

[Butter]

I think I can relate - forgive me if I get it wrong. But it seems to me looking after your mum involves looking after yourself. And counselling only opens cans of worms so far as looking after your mum opens cans of worms?
Maybe you cannot ask her questions - who knows - and maybe she will tell you things even if you don't - who knows?
Certainly I learnt things from my grandfather - and my mum - as they got ill and died. And now I am learning from my husband.
People often retain sporadic insight and true knowledge until the end of their lives. You cannot tell what will happen.

 

[Isabella41]

I wonder if anyone can relate to what I'm about to write and, maybe, offer some words of wisdom.

My mum's Alzheimer's seems to be bringing to the surface all kinds of things I thought I'd dealt with. Difficult things from my childhood. In fact I can't decide if I do have a good handle on everything that happened (I thought I had!) and if the negative feelings I'm experiencing are normal given everything (they always felt like they were pretty normal), or if things do still need dealing with, or if what I'm experiencing is simply what's to be expected when trying to help someone who is paranoid, suspicious, often full of hate, and has absolutely no insight.

I'm considering counselling but I'm concerned that I might be opening a huge can of worms. I'm also wondering that even if it's a good idea if now is the right time, given that I am actually coping with caring for my mother who most definitely needs me, and I'm worried that I don't have the emotional reserves to go back into everything and still be able to fulfil the carer role while I work through it.

Half of me wants to leave well alone and the other half is asking what about me, and that half feels like the kid who was left to cope with things that were just too difficult. That kid wanted someone to step in and make things better, which is how I feel now about mum's dementia.

Family dynamics are complicated enough, aren't they, add dementia and I'm amazed so many of us manage to cope!

I'm also wondering if I'm looking for that opportunity, now obviously lost, to ask my mum those difficult questions, and so being unrealistic

Hi Delphie, I'm sorry that present circumstances have brought your past back into focus. Sadly I understand only too well as this is happening for me too. I find myself feeling torn about doing the right thing and ensuring mum is taken care of in her hour of need and yet the knowledge is there of the so many times growing up when I needed her guidance and support and she wasn't there.

I am currently seeing a counsellor and she has been invaluable. I am a trained counsellor but you can't counsel yourself for obvious reasons. I havent divulged to my counsellor that I am trained as I feel it might put us on a different footing. It is really strange to be sitting in the 'other' chair but its helped and is helping me to process the past and try to move on from it.

I've found that if we don't deal with out issues eventually they grow so large that everything gets clouded by them. Only today I gave my mum a firm "no" and when she pressed me to explain myself I stood my ground and said I didn't want to. The 'old' me would have excused and explained and eventually gave in to whatever she wanted. I know this is why she is getting more and more bad mannered with me - I have learnt after all these years to stand up for myself and accept my feelings, wants and opinions matter as much as hers do.

I do know however that given the stage mum is at trying to talk to her about the past is pointless. I tried and it all blew up horribly. She no longer has the capacity to process complicated thinking processes. Then again I don't know if she ever had the concept of her being wrong as she never was!! (in her opinion)

I would wholeheartedly reccomend you seek counselling for yourself. I was taught in college that alot of the time the counselling process will actually make you worse before you get better. Think of the picture of someone walking into a hospital in a small bit of pain, having an operation and post op being in even greater pain. Very soon the pain subsides and the open wound becomes a scar. Scars are reminders of what we've been through but they can never hurt us like untreated wounds can.

Isabella

 

[Delphie]

I was taught in college that alot of the time the counselling process will actually make you worse before you get better.

Thank you both for replying, and I have to say that this is what I'm afraid of. I'm not sure I can afford a worse phase while my needs are looked after. They've waited 40 years.

 

[zeeeb]

I think now is the perfect time to open all the cans up and let them worms out into the garden where they belong.

If you don't deal with everything that is going on now, as well as the stuff from the past, it'll hold you back from enjoying the rest of your life. it might make you cry, but it might also liberate you, might allow you to validate your feelings.

And it really doesn't matter how your mum thought things were, it's how you felt about them that matters to you. If she sees it one way and you see it another, that's fine, but your feelings are your feelings, they aren't wrong just because someone else's feelings are different.

 

[nicoise]

Dear Delphie,

I think the fact that you have written about the counselling says to me that you are ready for it, but are acknowledging the fact that it might not just be a smooth path upwards to peace of mind.

I also think we can do a good job of stuffing away the past and smoothing over the cracks. But add in a new situation which strips away those protective layers and the truth is that it is all still there, and not dealt with.

I am a great advocate for counselling, as I do believe that it really does help with dealing with difficult situations; but the process will mean feeling pain for past happenings, but ultimately allow for a way to learn to live with those past happenings.

If there was a definite time limit on how long your Mum's journey might be, and your caring role, then perhaps you could put it off until a future date when you felt stronger. But given this is an unknown, and quite what your caring role is going to entail, I'd say that you need every support you can get, especially for your own mental and physical wllbeing and strength.

 

[counttoten]

Counselling

Hello Delphie,
I relate to what you say!
When my mother had the very early stages of dementia a few years ago, I was the only family member who realised what was happening. This was mostly because I had spent my childhood and a lot of my adult life being hyper-vigilant about my mother's moods and behavour (making her angry was to be avoided at all costs).
At this time, I sought counselling. The counsellor was able (as she put it) 'to name what needs to be named' - i.e. point out to me that for my whole life my mother's behavour was 'the elephant in the room' that nobody talked about. She thought that my mother should have been treated years ago for some kind of psychotic illness but nobody dared raise the matter.
Counselling is very good for sharing your feelings - but you need a councillor that you really trust. I did not get beyond the point of 'naming' things with my councllor. She was very silent, shared nothing with me and in the end I felt like I might as well talk to a wall. Other people will have had different experiences to me, however and a lot of people credit their councillor with saving their lifes!
I was helped enourmously by reading books by a psychologist called Dorothy Rowe, who deals with depression and writes at length about her own terrifying, hostile mother. Dorothy Rowe is in her 80s now and still writes. I have noticed that as she has got older, she has expressed her hatred for her mother more and more freely. A recent book 'Why We Lie' is a case in point and a very good read!
Another book I recently read was a French book called 'The Warmth of Your Heart Prevents the Body From Rusting'. This talks a bit about dementia and quotes a psychiatrist who believes that some dementia is a psychiatric illness caused when people cannot face old age because they cannot deal honestly with their own behavour when they were younger! This is a very controversial idea, to say the least, but interesting....
Sometimes some of the memories I have of my mother are overwhelming and then I allow myself to hate her as much as I like, in any way I like! I also care for her as much as I can, because this is the sort of person I need to be (It's certainly not out of love)!
Wishing you luck and you are not alone.
L

 

[Sooe]

What a very sad post....I have no experience of counselling or in fact whatever it is you have obviously been through. On the other hand I have experienced sadness, guilt, and many family problems and skeletons, both while family were alive and now when they are passed on. Some of you will say I need treatment! No sorry I don't!!! the heartache stays where it is, and doesn't hurt myself or others anymore than is necessary, burying trouble? maybe! but only ourselves can know what will help and what will not, maybe you are ready for counselling now or in the future, I can only wish you luck with any decisions you finally make for yourself, your Mum would only be confused, hurt, indignant or just simply believe you are making it all up, alzheimers has stripped her of her facilties for truth! truth may out eventually in snippets, and some of those worms might indeed escape, but either way I can only wish you all the luck in the world.

 

[Tender Face]

No words of wisdom, Delphie – but some empathy.

I could have written your post a few years ago .... except I didn’t have your insight at that time. And I can echo that concern about ‘is this the right time to deal with all those little wrigglers that are crawling out?’ For sure, over the years I have learnt how much time needs to be invested in participating in counselling .... not just the 45 mins/an hour you may attend a session but the hours/days/weeks needed to ‘process’ it all ... whether that is physically and emotionally possible when caring full on, I am not sure. I know I invested my time in ‘coping’ with the day to day and ignored my own emotional needs (and ended up in a heap with it all after mum had gone) ... but then again, was I coping? Even certain family coming back on the scene after years of absence was stirring up so much negativity – perhaps I should have sought help at the time to try to deal with that alone ... but then therapy does have a knack of not being able to treat single issues in isolation?

Could you have a chat with your GP to see about a referral and discuss the pros and cons of any ‘therapeutic work’ at this time objectively?

I do wonder, with hindsight, had I MADE time for myself earlier in amongst putting mum and everyone else first and burying myself in practicalities ... the proverbial can would not have got so pressurised it exploded like a bomb when the lid finally came off!

I so feel for you, love, Karen, x

 

[nibbledbyducks]

I wonder if anyone can relate to what I'm about to write and, maybe, offer some words of wisdom.

My mum's Alzheimer's seems to be bringing to the surface all kinds of things I thought I'd dealt with. Difficult things from my childhood. In fact I can't decide if I do have a good handle on everything that happened (I thought I had!) and if the negative feelings I'm experiencing are normal given everything (they always felt like they were pretty normal), or if things do still need dealing with, or if what I'm experiencing is simply what's to be expected when trying to help someone who is paranoid, suspicious, often full of hate, and has absolutely no insight.

I'm considering counselling but I'm concerned that I might be opening a huge can of worms. I'm also wondering that even if it's a good idea if now is the right time, given that I am actually coping with caring for my mother who most definitely needs me, and I'm worried that I don't have the emotional reserves to go back into everything and still be able to fulfil the carer role while I work through it.

Half of me wants to leave well alone and the other half is asking what about me, and that half feels like the kid who was left to cope with things that were just too difficult. That kid wanted someone to step in and make things better, which is how I feel now about mum's dementia.

Family dynamics are complicated enough, aren't they, add dementia and I'm amazed so many of us manage to cope!

I'm also wondering if I'm looking for that opportunity, now obviously lost, to ask my mum those difficult questions, and so being unrealistic.

I'm struggling. If anyone can relate to this ramble please tell me your thoughts.

I can relate to what you are saying. Standing close to someone who has dementia brings out all kinds of feelings, especially when there has been conflict in the relationship. Now when providing care for the person with dementia, it is presumed that those feelings of conflict can be put to one side for that person's benefit and care. This leads to further conflict, especially as these issues will probably never be directly resolved with that person. For this reason I think that counselling can be really valuable. I have had counselling through the period of my Mum's dementia and it has enabled me to express these feelings of conflict and to give something back to myself when I have been overwhelmed by the cycle of giving. And when the roles are reversed caring for dementia and you become the parent and no longer the child, it is not surprising that the child that lives within us all starts to cry out for some care of her own.
Expressing difficult feelings can lighten the burden. I hope that your GP might be helpful whatever you decide.

 

[NeverGiveUp]

Could I approach this from a different angle, mum had an unusual childhood where parenting skills weren't high on the agenda. Part of me wants to make sense of a childhood where I was often left to make my own choices and lacked the support of a strong mother, it wasn't easy to see other people's parents helping them to progress, it was a difficult road. Being stuck as an unwilling carer for that parent who expects to be waited on hand and foot isn't easy either.

I could well be an ideal candidate for councelling but I see the world differently. Remember the Johnny Cash song 'A Boy Named Sue'? It applies quite well insomuch as the parent isn't there and I had learned to sink or swim on my own. We have had terrible situations to deal with, not ones of our own making, not avoidable. I have had it thrust onto my shoulders to cope with it all, and want to know something? I cope with it very well, the haphazard childhood has stood me in good stead, probably the best survival training possible. I didn't choose my life but I do deal with it, I would like answers to things about mum's childhood but those who could give definative answers are mostly gone, although a few clues ca be gleaned from what is said.

If my life had been different, would I have been a better person, who knows? There is a saying 'God moves in mysterious ways', I wonder if there is something in that. I have been given the abilty to reflect on my own life, I feel privileged. Although I have to say that a part of me wants answers still.

 

[Helen33]

Dear Delphie,

The very positive thing is that you do seem to know what you don't want to happen. You seem clear about not being sure about a can of worms being opened up.

Your mother having dementia seems to be triggering and you are worried that it might all become out of control. It may be worth you considering finding a therapist who is experienced in dealing with childhood trauma as this kind of therapist will understand the need for you to feel and be as safe as possible in order to be able to function well in the present especially as that involves caring for your mum. The can of worms does not necessarily need to be opened at this time but perhaps some work done on methods of coping when your fear is that you will not be able to cope.

Love

 

[Delphie]

Thank you for all your wise words. You've given me a lot to think about!

Right now I'm in this weird Catch 22 mood. I'd like to get rid of the resentment and think that it would be better for me and for my mum if I could. On the other hand, I see the resentment as a perfectly normal reaction to everything that happened and a big part of me doesn't want to let it go. It would feel like a betrayal of that little girl that I was.

If it wasn't for mum's Alzheimer's I really don't think I'd be thinking about it all now. I suppose it's the irony of her needing my help and protection (and getting it) bringing into sharp contrast the help and protection I didn't get as a child.

Yup, there's a mountain of resentment there alright!

 

[Delphie]

Dear Delphie,

The very positive thing is that you do seem to know what you don't want to happen. You seem clear about not being sure about a can of worms being opened up.

Your mother having dementia seems to be triggering and you are worried that it might all become out of control. It may be worth you considering finding a therapist who is experienced in dealing with childhood trauma as this kind of therapist will understand the need for you to feel and be as safe as possible in order to be able to function well in the present especially as that involves caring for your mum. The can of worms does not necessarily need to be opened at this time but perhaps some work done on methods of coping when your fear is that you will not be able to cope.

Love

Good thinking.

Any ideas on finding a therapist?

 

[Chemmy]

I wonder if when she eventually moves into care and you are no longer at her beck and call, whether you will be able to get your relationship back on a more even keel?

I know when I passed over the day to day responsibility for Mum, the relief was huge and my resentment towards her receded.

 

[Delphie]

I wonder if when she eventually moves into care and you are no longer at her beck and call, whether you will be able to get your relationship back on a more even keel?

I know when I passed over the day to day responsibility for Mum, the relief was huge and my resentment towards her receded.

I hope so. It does feel like life would become less stressful, although I'm not taking into account her reaction to being placed in care when/if it eventually happens.

But, so far, although everyone involved (SW etc) agrees that she lacks capacity to make her own welfare decisions, she was asked if she wanted to try residential care and she said no (why would she need residential care, right?) and apparently she doesn't tick enough boxes to force the decision on her. Bit of a crazy system, but that's for another thread!