Just feel disheartened

[rajahh]

Just wanted to share how unthinking and uncaring neighbours can be.

I was talking to two neighbours today and they were asking how Gordon was. I explained that he seemed to be getting worse, and gave the example that he thought he had not had his breakfast this morning when I had just taen his plate away, and that every day he thinks we have just moved. They both laughed!!!

Then one of them said did you hear that old man on the news saying his wife thought he was a " dirty old man" when he undressed her every night. And they both laughed at that too.

I said that I did not think any of it was funny. and just walked away.

I know I sometimes canjoke about it but I felt for that man yesterday , fancy facing that every night./

People who have no experience just have no idea what we all go through day after day.

Jeannette

 

[Kathphlox]

Aww Jeanette

We can laugh at things on here, because we are all in the same boat pulling on the oars.

People who don't have the experience are not like that, they don't have the knowledge and so don't understand. Perhaps they didn't know how to react or felt that laughter was the best way to handle it.

Their only experience is what they saw on TV and we know they don't show the real horror on there.

Maybe lend them one of those good books, it might open their eyes.

 

[Saffie]

O Jeanette, I feel for you. How uncaring to laught at both comments. People can be so unkind, not deliberately, but it makes no difference if you are on the receiving end. I think I would have felt like saying that I hoped none of their loved ones would ever be in that position and walk away. I'm glad that you said you didn't think it was funny.

Finding humour ourselves is our way of coping because, let's face it if we didn't, we'd be in tears all the time. We don't forget the person inside and respect their dignity feel compassion and CARE! It is so hard that others can't see this themselves.
Maybe it's some from of defence because they are not capable of understanding.
Either way, I sympathise. love XXX

 

[Izzy]

That's sad Jeanette. I can understand how you feel. Like others that's what I like about TP. We can enjoy a laugh together and it's at no-one's expense. We all know what it's really like and we all know that sometimes if we don't laugh we'll cry. That's different to what you experienced with your neighbours. xx

 

[Sue J]

Just wanted to share how unthinking and uncaring neighbours can be.

I was talking to two neighbours today and they were asking how Gordon was. I explained that he seemed to be getting worse, and gave the example that he thought he had not had his breakfast this morning when I had just taen his plate away, and that every day he thinks we have just moved. They both laughed!!!

Then one of them said did you hear that old man on the news saying his wife thought he was a " dirty old man" when he undressed her every night. And they both laughed at that too.

I said that I did not think any of it was funny. and just walked away.

I know I sometimes canjoke about it but I felt for that man yesterday , fancy facing that every night./

People who have no experience just have no idea what we all go through day after day.

Jeannette

Sorry that your neighbours were so insensitve to you Jeannette. It must be so hard for you when to your husband it seems like every day is the same day, the day you moved.

No it's not funny and I too felt for the man on the news, it's tragic.

Sadly, I agree with you people that have no experience have no idea at all of what it is like, the pain that you feel each time when something else changes for the worse.

 

[Dazmum]

That's sad Jeanette. I can understand how you feel. Like others that's what I like about TP. We can enjoy a laugh together and it's at no-one's expense. We all know what it's really like and we all know that sometimes if we don't laugh we'll cry. That's different to what you experienced with your neighbours. xx

Exactly, Izzy. I'm so sorry, Jeanette. People just don't understand, do they? I remember many years ago a lady at work telling us about her mum, who had dementia. She was telling it in a very humerous way, and she was a friend, so we did laugh, but with her and in a gentle way, and certainly not at her mum. There's a fine line isn't there, and when I think of that now, I just feel so sorry for what she went through, knowing now, what it's like for myself.

 

[jan.s]

Dear Jeannette

As others have said, it shows a lack of understanding. I also agree that sometimes people don't now how to respond, so, they laugh!! Totally inappropriate, but it has to be put down to ignorance. It was insensitive of them and well done to you for walking away.

TP is such a good place to share so much.

Jan xx

 

[TinaT]

I would have walked away as you did but inside I would be thinking, "It hasn't happened to you yet but it will - it will!" No one goes through this life leading a charmed existance and they themselves one day, will suffer as you do now.

We all think dementia happens to other people, not to us and ours. When disaster strikes, as it will, I hope that you are kinder to them than they have been to you.

xxTinaT

 

[Izzy]

I would have walked away as you did but inside I would be thinking, "It hasn't happened to you yet but it will - it will!" No one goes through this life leading a charmed existance and they themselves one day, will suffer as you do now.

We all think dementia happens to other people, not to us and ours. When disaster strikes, as it will, I hope that you are kinder to them than they have been to you.

xxTinaT

Wise words Tina - a sentiment I often feel. x

 

[Grannie G]

Oh Jeanette, I would have been so upset too.

The trouble is trying to tell people how it is without getting either upset or angry and because of this I know why you walked away.

 

[sue38]

We can laugh at things on here, because we are all in the same boat pulling on the oars.

I like that analogy. You've got to have a sense of humour to survive dementia, but I don't now tolerate people laughing at dementia.

I'm sorry Jeanette that your neighbours think laughing is acceptable. I suspect a lot of people are uncomfortable with the very idea of dementia and turn it into a 'joke' to cover their embarrassment.

 

[Onlyme]

I am so sorry and angry for you.

As everyone has said we all get the black sense of humour but we laugh along with each other in the face of the disease, not at the person suffering from it.

I would probably have said something rude like I hope that they never have to face it or they might not laugh so hard.

 

[chucky]

Hi Jeanette, some people have no idea what having dementia and caring for someone with dementia is really like unless youve experienced either. I must admit, i too do find humour in a lot of the things my dad did, i can laugh now as im 7 years in to this journey but a lot of it at the time wasnt in the least bit funny. Even my brothers had no idea what it was like for me caring for my dad and when i talk about it now with them, they too can see the humour but at the time i never told a soul anything about my dad or what i was enduring. Even now, people like neighbours and even extended family ask after my dad i just reply hes doing fine. I never elaborate on his physical or mental state. HOWEVER, ive bared my soul many times here on TP because i know that i wont be judged, i can talk about subjects that would be off limits to outsiders, i can cry with everyone here,i can laugh, i can rant and rave. The reason being WE ALL know when its ok to laugh and when we do its about the situation not the person and that makes a huge difference. Please dont feel so disheartened, ignorance plays a huge part but its not the ignorance of people its the ignorance they have of the disease. Some people are too quick to speak without engaging their brain first,, try to forget about it and move on.

 

[rajahh]

I am overwhelmed with the responses. Thank you all so much. Yes I too can laugh about things, I laughed at myself when I was trying to teach Gordon to use the funnel, as I explained in a thread yesterday.

I think it was more I felt dreadful for the man on TV who cares for his wife . he was so distressed about it.

I think I shall have to start just telling it as it is on here.

Yes I will try to use the word Fine.

I have an interpretation of the word fine, not sure if I have put it on here before or not

F eelings

I nside

N ot

E xpressed..

This was told me by two widows who were able to smile when they explained it.

Some days these silly remarks do not reach me, but Sundays are always hard for me, as it s my most physical day, and it is a day when I miss my daughter and grand daughter as they often came on a Sunday

Love Jeannette

 

[Izzy]

I love your definition of the word FINE!

 

[Butter]

I think we all need to see the tragedy within the comedy - and the comedy within the tragedy - in order to survive this life. It is part of being grown up . And if your neighbours can only manage the part of it --- they have a long way to go.

 

[Sue J]

I saw the snippet on the TV that you referred to Jeannette and I don't think that anyone, experience of dementia or not, could fail to see the sadness and loss in the man's face as he spoke of his wife.

Sorry it's a tough day for you and hope something will bring a smile to you

I did read about you teaching your husband to use the funnel and it made me smile when I read it and again now - not laughing at you (well I might if I saw you) just with you.
Love
Sue

 

[NeverGiveUp]

I can recognise the feeling of how hurtful neighbours can be. Several years ago mum decided to suddenly and inexplicably shout a lot in the garden, she called out that she had been assaulted and the police were to be called, this was shouted repeatedly. No-one called the police, I couldn't control the situation, the GP and Ss didn't want to know so i called an ambulance, they called the police as "a domestic" Police soon got the idea especially as the grandfather of one of them has dementia.

One neighbour told others they there had been "loadsa blue light activity" at our house, he apparently found it very funny. I found it even funnier a few weeks later when he had "a domestic" and he seemed to be resorting to loud knocking on his own front door using his fists I thought "Oh dear, no loadsa blue light activity then?"

The evening after mum shouted I found 2 women standing on our drive, when they saw me they started jeering, I just stared at them until they went away, still pointing at me screaming with laughter. Do we live in a neighbourhood which is run down and seedy? No we do not, and I'm pretty sure that they were 2 of the very affluent members of the neighbourhood.

I would normally think that i wouldn't wish dementia on anyone, but in the past few years I think that a few people might be exceptions. The diference between my attitude and theirs is that i wouldn't stand outside their houses laughing at them. By the same token I wouldn't now lift a finger to help them, i find my change in attitude to be sad.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I find that I am quite happy sharing situations with people who are also carers and having lots of laughs about it. But I do not like, and get distinctly annoyed with, others who don't know what we're going through making a joke about AD - and it's always about memory loss!

May I also say I gnash my teeth with massive irritation when people refer to Alzheimer's as "Old-timers disease".

 

[lin1]

I find that I am quite happy sharing situations with people who are also carers and having lots of laughs about it. But I do not like, and get distinctly annoyed with, others who don't know what we're going through making a joke about AD - and it's always about memory loss!

I am with you their Joanne

May I also say I gnash my teeth with massive irritation when people refer to Alzheimer's as "Old-timers disease".

Me too I also hate the term senile dementia

I know how you feel

Mum was having a ss assessment when right on q mum started sundowning , the sw started laughing quite loud , dad was as shocked as I was
I wanted to scream and shout at the woman
I managed to contain myself as did dad for mums sake , we did give her a very hard glare which stopped her, did she apologise, no,

It hurts because they are so thoughtless and tactless

Unless you've been or are going through it you cant know the half of it but , it doesnt take a genius to know its not right to laugh or take the p out of someone else's troubles

its very likely these people will be laughing on the other side of their face (an old saying of my mum's, meaning they will be crying) later on

My mum used to say that to me a lot when I was a child being a bit cheeky also' all that laughing will turn to tears my girl'
and you know what , mum was right