When it goes Better, it's Worse?!

[Charizomai]

I arrived last night at mom's bedside at the hospital. I will return again today. Taken time off. The doctor is pleased with her fighting the pneumonia with aid of antibiotics and she is breathing better. She has also eaten a yogurt! First little bit she ate in days... but she is so quiet and a bit anxious last night. It bothered me since he has taken her off the 1/4 anxiety med pill as well.

Oh! How do I confess my thoughts... I am pleased and relieved she is a bit better (most probably due to the fluids she gets now) but I am distressed to know we start her downward path all over again and she may need to return to the frail care home. And I feel utterly guilty for even thinking this... the mixed emotions; for wanting her battle to rather be over. And then again, for wanting a miracle that brings her back to my elegant mom that bakes the most wonderful chocolate cake and entertains in delicate english tea sets. Why is it that when it goes better, it feels today that it is going worse? I pray for miracles. But this damned illness brings us false hope. I will not lie to my mom about her feeling better. I tell her it is good to say goodbyes to everyone, because anthing can happen to anyone, but we know God is always with us no matter what. That helps.

Tomorrow my brother arrives from up north. He may say she looks better than I told him when I said it is time to come. It stresses me out in itself. She is only better because I opted for the fluids so she could possibly get to see him for a last time. (He told me in an accusing voice that it is not the first I thought it was the end. I resent it that he has so little compassion with me in this space? He told me I have always been a bit of a martyr. I wish he never said it... It was so unnecessary and feels to me that he wants to find a way to justify his own absence - it's been two years since he visited my mom. I love him dearly but have lost respect for him, I am sad to say).

Then I will have peace to instruct them to remove the fluids... and we travel down this road one more time. Surely! I cannot hospitalise her again. I pray these decisions are the right ones. But how I wish she could have remained here in hospital until the end, and not go back to frail care to dehydrate and pass on - the place where I do not seem to see the compassion so much needed, and so desired for her.

I love you mom. Forgive me if I get this wrong. I have a few online friends here. It is OK that they know...

 

[jan1962]

Hi there,

just read your thread and it has reduced me to tears. my thought go with you at this stressful time. i hope when the time comes for my MIL i have the strenght that you are showing. keep strong and remember that you know what you are doing is the best for your mother.



sending love and prayers




jan1962

 

[Butter]

Of course you want your mother to have peace, comfort and dignity. There is nothing in the world wrong with that. I spent years and years wishing my mother would die. I did my best for her - of course it never felt good enough - but what more can we human beings do?
I wish you courage.

 

[Sue J]

Dear Charizomai

Your courage shines through - you will get it right - even if it doesn't appear so at the time. Your brother is so lucky to have such a loving compassionate sister who is considering his needs too when you are under such strain. I hope and pray decisions will be taken out of your hands.

Love
Sue

 

[Anfauglir]

Then I will have peace to instruct them to remove the fluids... and we travel down this road one more time. Surely! I cannot hospitalise her again. I pray these decisions are the right ones. But how I wish she could have remained here in hospital until the end, and not go back to frail care to dehydrate and pass on - the place where I do not seem to see the compassion so much needed, and so desired for her.

I love you mom. Forgive me if I get this wrong. I have a few online friends here. It is OK that they know...

Charizomai,

Never a decision that anyone would want to take, but I know that whatever you will do will be done with love for your mother, and in the end thats what's important.

It may well be that your brother is refusing to think about things because that's the way he copes. Might be worth asking him if he would prefer you NOT to pass on news for fear of worrying him, and for him to risk not being able to say his goodbyes?

 

[winda]

Of course you want your mum to be out of her suffering. You are only showing compassion with such thoughts.

Some decisions are really hard to make and we don't get much practice at these sort of things. Whatever you decide will be because you care.

I wish you much courage xx

 

[Haylett]

Charizomai, "where there is no cure, there is always care"I keep coming back to it, over and over again. It's a mantra that I have come to live my life by, and that of Mum and MIL, by proxy. And if care means non-intervention when the time comes, I hope I will have your courage.

Remember The Little Prince? "On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux" Only the heart sees clearly....

 

[qubecks]

I arrived last night at mom's bedside at the hospital. I will return again today. Taken time off. The doctor is pleased with her fighting the pneumonia with aid of antibiotics and she is breathing better. She has also eaten a yogurt! First little bit she ate in days... but she is so quiet and a bit anxious last night. It bothered me since he has taken her off the 1/4 anxiety med pill as well.

Oh! How do I confess my thoughts... I am pleased and relieved she is a bit better (most probably due to the fluids she gets now) but I am distressed to know we start her downward path all over again and she may need to return to the frail care home. And I feel utterly guilty for even thinking this... the mixed emotions; for wanting her battle to rather be over. And then again, for wanting a miracle that brings her back to my elegant mom that bakes the most wonderful chocolate cake and entertains in delicate english tea sets. Why is it that when it goes better, it feels today that it is going worse? I pray for miracles. But this damned illness brings us false hope. I will not lie to my mom about her feeling better. I tell her it is good to say goodbyes to everyone, because anthing can happen to anyone, but we know God is always with us no matter what. That helps.

Tomorrow my brother arrives from up north. He may say she looks better than I told him when I said it is time to come. It stresses me out in itself. She is only better because I opted for the fluids so she could possibly get to see him for a last time. (He told me in an accusing voice that it is not the first I thought it was the end. I resent it that he has so little compassion with me in this space? He told me I have always been a bit of a martyr. I wish he never said it... It was so unnecessary and feels to me that he wants to find a way to justify his own absence - it's been two years since he visited my mom. I love him dearly but have lost respect for him, I am sad to say).

Then I will have peace to instruct them to remove the fluids... and we travel down this road one more time. Surely! I cannot hospitalise her again. I pray these decisions are the right ones. But how I wish she could have remained here in hospital until the end, and not go back to frail care to dehydrate and pass on - the place where I do not seem to see the compassion so much needed, and so desired for her.

I love you mom. Forgive me if I get this wrong. I have a few online friends here. It is OK that they know...

omg x i am so sorry , this illness is so cruel, how do you stay so strong ? i know i do not know you but i truly feel for you ,x i do not know if i will cope has well has you , i like you do not want to see my mum go through all of that ! it makes me so sad , to see my at the moment, because she isnt really my lovely mum i knew before this dreadfull illness , and she will never come back to me , bit by bit she is going from me before my very eyes , and i miss her ., yet she is not gone !

 

[putsch]

Charizomai,

Never a decision that anyone would want to take, but I know that whatever you will do will be done with love for your mother, and in the end thats what's important.

It may well be that your brother is refusing to think about things because that's the way he copes. Might be worth asking him if he would prefer you NOT to pass on news for fear of worrying him, and for him to risk not being able to say his goodbyes?

I think this is excellent advice - I've been in this position too and it's impossible to do the right thing for family who aren't there. All you can do is pass on what the medics say if the family want to know and if not then just don't! But you cannot be expected to know when the end is nigh and I know exactly how distorted thinking can become where you are almost wishing for the end to show that you weren't overracting!! Its all so mad.

 

[Charizomai]

it is called Revelation for a reason...

It is cold tonight. I just returned from the hospital and my mom and I had a good cry together. I told her that we should both accept the end is not so far and I do not want her to suffer. I will try my best, I told her. I have to tell myself she understood - and if not, that she will one day.

Like so many times before, I said my goodbyes. This time was different. She listened. I spoke softly to her about times we shared as best of friends. She cried some. I know we will not have such moment again. And I read a beautiful piece from the Bible:

"One of the elders asked me, “Who are these people dressed in white robes, and where do they come from?”

“I don't know, sir. You do,” I answered.

He said to me, “These are the people who have come safely through the terrible persecution. They have washed their robes and made them white with the blood of the Lamb. That is why they stand before God's throne and serve him day and night in his temple. He who sits on the throne will protect them with his presence. Never again will they hunger or thirst; neither sun nor any scorching heat will burn them, because the Lamb, who is in the centre of the throne, will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of life-giving water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.” (Revelation 7:13-17 GNTUK)

Tonight, I told my mom I pray that we will both have Peace soon... and in my mind's eye I saw her standing in a white robe in her healed body with a soaring spirit, surrounded by angels. And I told her: you are my angel, mom.

 

[Anfauglir]

I'm pleased that your faith gives you comfort. As an atheist I don't have that solace - all I see is the last years of the one life my mum will ever have being wasted in confusion, and that sucks.

 

[sussexsue]

Someone on here once said to remember every time we visit to tell the person that you love them. It wasnt something I did, but from that moment on, everyday I left mum I gave her a cuddle, a kiss, held her hand, stroked her hair and told her I loved her. Whether mum gained from it I dont know, but I certainly did. When I received the call to say she had suddenly died all I could remember was that final moment I had with her - it was a good feeling.

Another athiest here, but although I miss my mum everyday I am so glad that her suffering is now over. Dont ever feel guilty about not wishing to prolong her illness.

 

[Charizomai]

Another athiest here, but although I miss my mum everyday I am so glad that her suffering is now over. Dont ever feel guilty about not wishing to prolong her illness.

I'm pleased that your faith gives you comfort. As an atheist I don't have that solace - all I see is the last years of the one life my mum will ever have being wasted in confusion, and that sucks.

I always have the deepest respect when people that believe differently than I do (whether as atheists, agnostics or from different religious or spiritual spheres) share compassion and show mutual respect as human beings. When we opt into a mental or spiritual space in our minds and hearts where we feel safe and more grounded, it should always be respected by those around us as a personal choice. So, thank you. I wish for you comfort and care as I do for me - and yes, taking some of it from the belief that we shall meet again after this life time does bring me some Peace.

I am tired today and so is my mom... I wake with the knowledge that there may very well be no miracle for her except leaving. I tell her she is not alone in this final stage of this cruel illness. I pray she feels it.

 

[Charizomai]

Grief softens..

My brother was here with my mom today - for a few hours. Inbetween, we had lunch and spoke about the tough decisions. He was supportive, and devastated. And thankful that I insisted he come now and do not wait any later. After almost two years of seeing her, he could not possibly imagine where we stand, despite my constant updates.

I have more peace today and my mom recognised him when I said he arrived. She looked at him and simply said 'yes, yes'... I needed him to be here, and when he walked out to fly back, I could tell him that she knew he came. She knew. I can breathe today.

Sadness lives in me constantly, but today... I can breathe.

 

[Sue J]

My brother was here with my mom today - for a few hours. Inbetween, we had lunch and spoke about the tough decisions. He was supportive, and devastated. And thankful that I insisted he come now and do not wait any later. After almost two years of seeing her, he could not possibly imagine where we stand, despite my constant updates.

I have more peace today and my mom recognised him when I said he arrived. She looked at him and simply said 'yes, yes'... I needed him to be here, and when he walked out to fly back, I could tell him that she knew he came. She knew. I can breathe today.

Sadness lives in me constantly, but today... I can breathe.

Dear Charizomai

Confirmation that you are making the right decisions in the midst of this.

Thinking of you
Sue