Settling Mum into new home

[LizzieLu]

Hi there
My Mum was formally diagnosed with Alzheimer's last year. She had been struggling to cope on her own but had no insight into her condition. So when she had a fall and was taken into hospital, the medical team and social workers assessed her and decided she needed 24 hour care in a home. I managed to find a nice place for her but after a few months my Mum's condition deteriorated and she became quite abusive and even violent - aided by her new walking stick which she started to use as a weapon!

Now back in hospital, they have taken the edge off her "sundowning" moods by giving her a low dose of Quetiapine and this seems to help (except when she refuses to take it). I have had to look for another home for her, this time with a specialist EMI unit. She was also 250 miles from me so I decided to move her closer to me in Surrey where I can visit more often. It's a bit scary as I don't know what to expect and am worried she will take over my life, demanding to see me each day and being miserable when I am there. I have a busy job and can really only see her once a week (she's a 45 min drive away) though this is a whole lot better than visits I used to manage every 3 or 4 weeks.

One thing I'm not sure of is how to best handle her arrival at the new home. Is it best to see her every day for a while or leave her to settle in? Up to now, I've observed I seem to unsettle her. Though she's delighted to see me at first she then gets upset and constantly challenges me on where her money is, why she's there and why I can't stay with her. When I leave she gets really upset or cross.

I have a 3-day holiday booked next weekend, just two days after she arrives as the new home - very unfortunate timing! Should I cancel it? (I don't have insurance). This would be the third holiday I've cancelled in the last year, due to my Mum's illness and an accident I had so I'm desperate for a break!

 

[KingB]

LizzieLu that sounds like great timing for you to take a break. Going from my own experience I think it is better to allow her to settle & integrate without too many visits to start with.
We made a big mistake by visiting too often when mum first went into CH - so we kept taking her away from the activities and it really wasnt helpful.
You need that break. Your mum will be safe and cared for and you can enjoy your break knowing that she is getting the chance to settle in without distraction.

Although I live only a short distance from mum's CH I only go in once a week at the moment. This is because it is better for her to follow the structure of activities with her fellow residents. Also - it is very stressful visiting (I take dad along & he is increasingly not-with-it) - I have had to have a long think about what is sustainable long-term, and I have to balance my life overall. I honestly don't think that is a selfish thing - because visiting once a week with plenty of things to talk about and with the energy to lift her mood is much better than more frequent visits running out of things to say.

So take that break, and don't give into pressure to go in to see your mum more often than is manageable on an ongoing basis. You don't have to let the situation take over your life - your mum would not want that.

Go and enjoy your break and recharge your batteries.

Kris

 

[LizzieLu]

Thank you so much, Kris. That is really reassuring, as I was feeling guilty for taking time out for me - and also for my partner who has not had a lot of quality time from me recently.

I guess I will see how it goes and get some feedback from the home but as you say, it may not be best to keep distracting Mum when she could be settling in better with the other residents and getting more immersed in the activities and routine there. It's just so difficult knowing what's best - but I do want to give her the best chance of settling in quickly. Thanks again for the advice!

 

[Chemmy]

Moving her closer is a far better option in the medium to long term, and I agree with Kris; perfect timing for you to have a well-earned break. She'll be fine.

Can I suggest you keep you mobile switched off and just check it for messages once a day? Put out an embargo on non-urgent ones and lavish attention on your partner instead

 

[Margaret W]

I also agree with Kris. I am surprised that hundreds more people haven't pitched up to agree, cos I know they do. Take that break, it fits in perfectly with your mum's move. Be there with her on the day, if you can. Make sure she has whatever comfort objects she likes, be it photos or cuddly toys, have a cup of tea with her, and then go and pack for your little holiday.

Yeah switch off the mobile. Leave the number with the home in case of emergency, but rest assured they won't ring you.

When you get back, don't rush to visit Mum. Ring the home and ask how she has been. Leave it a day or so, unpack, get the washing done, and visit the next day. And then leave it another few days before you go again.

Everyone takes their own time to settle into a new environment. I was advised 4 weeks. Nope. It took mum six months, and it was better if I visited less rather than more cos she started to accept that the home was where she was going to be.

Take care, trust your instincts and look after yourself.

Love

Margaret

 

[Pheath]

Sounds like you've been through a very stressful time lately but well done for arranging to move your mum closer to where you live. I agree with others that you should go on your break especially as you've cancelled previous holidays and sounds like you're in great need of some time out to recharge your batteries. Am sure also you'll come back in a much better frame of mind for helping settle in your mum. Homes often advise it's best to leave it a few days or sometimes even weeks after someone moves in just so the staff can help settle them in so your holiday will be well timed. It's very tricky to advise others on how often to visit as there's no right or wrong. I'm still not sure I've got the balance right myself as visit dad about 5 times a week and do at times find juggling this with other commitments v hard. All I can say is be guided by your instincts, if it seems to unsettle/ upset your mum perhaps go for shorter visits or slightly less frequently. You can always call the home if you're worried for reassurance that she's doing ok as know I sometimes find it hard to relax and enjoy my free time if I feel dad is unsettled or unhappy. As far as leaving perhaps would it be possible to slip out quietly while she's distracted eg. just about to go for lunch or dinner as know leaving can often be a flash-point for some people. Anyhow best of luck with the move and hope you make it for a well-deserved break.

 

[strawberrywhip]

Take your holiday!

Like everyone says, its good timing. Let the home settle her in, and take a break..you have to look after yourelf as well, as this is so stressfull for everyone. When MIL went into a home it was very traumatic, but we didnt realise how stressed we were, until the burden of care was taken over by the home. Be kind to yourself. We were within an hurs drive of Mums home, but a weekly visit was plenty, once she had settled in.
Thinking of you and try and relax when you go away.