HI. My name is Steve and my 89 year old mum has alzheimer's. I am lucky that I have 2sisters that provide 24/7 care for my mum at her home. Mum is now going through a phase and we don't know how to deal with it. She keeps telling us that she wants to go home, but we left the house that she wants to return to over 45 years ago. We are really struggling to cope with this one. She is constantly trying to leave the house, so we are having to watch her at all times. Bed times are fine, and mum sleeps through, but during the day, this is constant. Does anyone have any advise on how we can deal with this? We dont have help from social services so this is taking its toll on my sisters. Please help.
Mum wants to go home to a house we lived in 45 years ago
- Thread starter Streve. 099
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Hi Steve and welcome to Talking Point.
We went through this with my dad. He no longer recognised his home of 40 years as home, and wanted to go back to his childhood home. No matter how much we tried to convince him he was home he would never accept it. Now I understand dementia a little better I realise that trying to get him to see 'sense' was futile, and that if I found myself in, what to me was a strange place, I too would try to leave to go home.
Have you tried diversionary tactics, such as 'we'll go when it's stopped raining' or 'there's no buses for a couple of hours'? If your mum lives alone and may just walk out of the house to return 'home' you may have to start thinking whether she is safe to be left.
We went through this with my dad. He no longer recognised his home of 40 years as home, and wanted to go back to his childhood home. No matter how much we tried to convince him he was home he would never accept it. Now I understand dementia a little better I realise that trying to get him to see 'sense' was futile, and that if I found myself in, what to me was a strange place, I too would try to leave to go home.
Have you tried diversionary tactics, such as 'we'll go when it's stopped raining' or 'there's no buses for a couple of hours'? If your mum lives alone and may just walk out of the house to return 'home' you may have to start thinking whether she is safe to be left.
Thanks Sue. Mum still lives at home, but my sisters work it so that they are there with her 24 hours a day. It's very tough on them. I work overseas on rotation work so can give help/breaks every 8 - 10 weeks. We were using diversionary tactics at the beginning and that worked for a while, but now it is her obsession. We have other family stressors at the moment, so this is really getting to my sisters. We have a fear of asking for help from social services as we do not want mum taken in to care. Can this happen? I would leave my job before we would let that happen. We really don't know what to do. It is reassuring to know that others go through this (although I wouldn't wish it on anyone). At least we have each other for support. I feel for those who are alone caring for a loved one.
Hi Steve
We have also been through this with my mam and we told her that there was a problem with that paticular house and they have to put a new roof on and once its done we will take her, we have passed that and we are now back to her asking for her mother who has been dead for over 40yrs so we say shes on holidays and will ring us when she gets back. Its very hard and emotionally draining my mam is 72 and was diagnosed a year ago and its been very rapid. Hope this was a little helpful
We have also been through this with my mam and we told her that there was a problem with that paticular house and they have to put a new roof on and once its done we will take her, we have passed that and we are now back to her asking for her mother who has been dead for over 40yrs so we say shes on holidays and will ring us when she gets back. Its very hard and emotionally draining my mam is 72 and was diagnosed a year ago and its been very rapid. Hope this was a little helpful
Hi Steve
I would think it really really unlikely that your mother would go into care. From my experience you have to get on bended knee and beg and still it doesn't happen.
I know that you can get alarms that sound if the door is opened which would help your sisters.
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?29745-Missing.&p=397732#post397732
There is also a pressure mat that will sound.
The other tip I have heard is that if you put a black mat infront of the door people with dementia won't cross it as it looks like a hole! I have no idea if this one works.
Please ask your sisters to join us here as at least they can let off steam if they want to.
I would think it really really unlikely that your mother would go into care. From my experience you have to get on bended knee and beg and still it doesn't happen.
I know that you can get alarms that sound if the door is opened which would help your sisters.
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?29745-Missing.&p=397732#post397732
There is also a pressure mat that will sound.
The other tip I have heard is that if you put a black mat infront of the door people with dementia won't cross it as it looks like a hole! I have no idea if this one works.
Please ask your sisters to join us here as at least they can let off steam if they want to.
Thanks Teeny and Onlyme. Both responses are a big help. Very interesting about the black mat... I am aware that their colour perception is limited, so this may work. Teeny, I was wondering if this is just a phase that she will pass through, like other phases before this. I hope so! We have also had mum waiting for her parents to get in touch with her. I have just phoned my sisters and informed them about this site. I will email them the link as I think it will be a big comfort to them both. Please keep the advice coming. Thank you all.
hi Steve,
I tell my Mum she can go home when the decorators have finished.
When she wants to go and see her Mum I tell her she's working, or waiting for a delivery[they ran a pub for many years] Mum usually forgets what she was asking about very quickly and has no memory of my previous answers when we go through the conversation again. She used to ask a lot but now it is not so frequent.
Viv
I tell my Mum she can go home when the decorators have finished.
When she wants to go and see her Mum I tell her she's working, or waiting for a delivery[they ran a pub for many years] Mum usually forgets what she was asking about very quickly and has no memory of my previous answers when we go through the conversation again. She used to ask a lot but now it is not so frequent.
Viv
Steve
I find that it is stages and we go through so many, the past 2 days shes been looking for her children in the nights thats hard as she wont go to bed because they are not home my brother and i are 50 and 48... another one was that no one goes to see her and shes on her own all day, my dad is there with her and we all visit every day but she forgets the minute we leave. She doesnt know dad and asks him to leave he is 76 and it breaks his heart she can be so nasty to him after 52yrs together they now sit like 2 strangers in the room he is worried he will upset her...i could go on and on about phases we have been through its the most cruel of diseases and every time you adjust to a new phase something else happens and the heartbreak starts again i grieve for a mam i have lost and i cry for a mam i have been left (does that make sense) i hope this helps in some way.
I find that it is stages and we go through so many, the past 2 days shes been looking for her children in the nights thats hard as she wont go to bed because they are not home my brother and i are 50 and 48... another one was that no one goes to see her and shes on her own all day, my dad is there with her and we all visit every day but she forgets the minute we leave. She doesnt know dad and asks him to leave he is 76 and it breaks his heart she can be so nasty to him after 52yrs together they now sit like 2 strangers in the room he is worried he will upset her...i could go on and on about phases we have been through its the most cruel of diseases and every time you adjust to a new phase something else happens and the heartbreak starts again i grieve for a mam i have lost and i cry for a mam i have been left (does that make sense) i hope this helps in some way.
I found, when my mom kept wanting something, I just put her off by telling her we would talk about it tomorrow. When she would bring it up tomorrow, then I would say the same thing. They will forget, eventually. With my mom, it was her car. She kept wanting her car.
I use to tell my mom what I call "fiblets". I do not like telling lies so it made me feel better daying I was telling her "fiblets". They will eventually stop asking for one thing and go to something else. Steve, your sisters need a break. Try to find a nursing home that accepts day care for people with dementia/ALZ. Take her there a couple times a week and give your sisters a break. Your mom will probably enjoy being with other people her age. It will do her good to get out of her home and most certainly help to give your sisters a rest. Don't tell her what you're going to do. Just tell her y'all are going to visit some friends. One of you might stay with her the first couple of times you take her. Once she feels safe and gets acquainted with some of the people there, she will enjoy going.
You really need to call the Alz association in your area. They will help you a lot. And no one will make y'all remove your mom from her home as long as she is getting good care.
Similar here. When my mother says she wants to go and see her parents (dead 30+ and 50+ years) I say I'll give them a ring when I get home and ask when they'd like her to come - we don't want to go all that way and find them out.
When she asks whether I've seen them lately I just say well, not for a little while. (!)
If she ever says she wants to go now, I say we'd better wait till tomorrow because the traffic's awful on that road, there's been a bad accident/roads are icy/the car's in the garage having its MOT/whatever sounds best at the time.
I've used all these many times (she never remembers) and they seem to keep her happy for the moment.
Steve I know that some of the US based websites sell door size posters that you put on doors and they create the illusion that it's not a door but a bookcase.
I would agree with Onlyme - the chances of social services insisting that your mother go into care are slim to none so I really wouldn't worry about that. However, I also don't think they are likely to be able to help with this compulsion.
I would agree with Onlyme - the chances of social services insisting that your mother go into care are slim to none so I really wouldn't worry about that. However, I also don't think they are likely to be able to help with this compulsion.
Hi Steve
My mum now gives her address as being the one she had as a little girl. She moved to a care home in November after rapid deteroration and 3 months in hospital. Prior to that she lived with me and my family and we had been ok for 2 years but there was no way she could come home, her needs are to great - she has nursing as well as care needs.
I think the phase your mum is going through will pass but it is hard at the time. Mum used to ask to go home all the time in hospital and in the care home and either thinks she could manager herself or I should/could look after her. She has never mentioned that she lived with us, I think this is completely forgotten. She is now much more settled in the home although has limited awareness of where she is (a hospital, a hotel, someones house). Sometimes she thinks I live there too. She hated it at first but the staff have won her round and she is very smiley with them.
I do suggest you and your sisters seek support from social services. They won't expect you to put your mum in care if she is being looked after at home but some support may enable this to continue long term. I have a friend whose MIL needed 24 hour care and they kept her at home with a combination of their efforts (her hubby slept at his mums every night), the family spent evenings and weekends with her and during week days there was a combination of support from day centres and social services. My mum always resisted help at home but we were reaching the point where we would have needed support had she not gone into hospital. When we went on holiday, we used to arrange a daily visit from SS at lunchtimes to prepare her lunch and (if she wanted/allowed) leave her something for her tea. They would at least discuss what she would have and I could relax a bit knowing someone was popping in.
Good luck and keep posting.
Jane x
My mum now gives her address as being the one she had as a little girl. She moved to a care home in November after rapid deteroration and 3 months in hospital. Prior to that she lived with me and my family and we had been ok for 2 years but there was no way she could come home, her needs are to great - she has nursing as well as care needs.
I think the phase your mum is going through will pass but it is hard at the time. Mum used to ask to go home all the time in hospital and in the care home and either thinks she could manager herself or I should/could look after her. She has never mentioned that she lived with us, I think this is completely forgotten. She is now much more settled in the home although has limited awareness of where she is (a hospital, a hotel, someones house). Sometimes she thinks I live there too. She hated it at first but the staff have won her round and she is very smiley with them.
I do suggest you and your sisters seek support from social services. They won't expect you to put your mum in care if she is being looked after at home but some support may enable this to continue long term. I have a friend whose MIL needed 24 hour care and they kept her at home with a combination of their efforts (her hubby slept at his mums every night), the family spent evenings and weekends with her and during week days there was a combination of support from day centres and social services. My mum always resisted help at home but we were reaching the point where we would have needed support had she not gone into hospital. When we went on holiday, we used to arrange a daily visit from SS at lunchtimes to prepare her lunch and (if she wanted/allowed) leave her something for her tea. They would at least discuss what she would have and I could relax a bit knowing someone was popping in.
Good luck and keep posting.
Jane x
Just a quick thank you to all for your thoughts and words of support. They were a great help. I have passed them onto my sisters and they were certainly comforted to know they were not alone with this. I will sign them up to this forum when I am home at the end of the month. Thanks again. Steve
Just a thought, Steve (re your mother constantly wanting to go out) - have you tried just letting her go to see what happens?
I say this because when my fil was living with us he was constantly wanting to go 'into town' to the bank, or to get some fish and chips, whatever. He wasn't familiar with the area except just very near our house and I would be frantic, trying to keep him in since I was sure he'd get lost/get run over, but he was like a caged animal.
Eventually my husband said, just let him go, he'll probably forget where he's going after 5 minutes and come back - and that's exactly what happened. I was still a mite worried about the road, but he always came back after a short while, none the worse.
Mum wants to go home to a house she lived in many years ago
this seems to be a common theme with this disease. My mother too no longer recognised her own home or mine (where she had stayed most weekends for many years). She tried to get into a house she had not lived in for a long time. Perhaps we should all live in one house and one community in case we get this problem! It probably was easier when we lived in smaller communities where everyone knew everyone. I am presently staying in a village in Greece where more than one elderly person has dementia but the environment is a much safer one than London where I and my mother, who has Alzheimer's live. It would be nice if we could re-construct the homes of the past for people with this problem.
this seems to be a common theme with this disease. My mother too no longer recognised her own home or mine (where she had stayed most weekends for many years). She tried to get into a house she had not lived in for a long time. Perhaps we should all live in one house and one community in case we get this problem! It probably was easier when we lived in smaller communities where everyone knew everyone. I am presently staying in a village in Greece where more than one elderly person has dementia but the environment is a much safer one than London where I and my mother, who has Alzheimer's live. It would be nice if we could re-construct the homes of the past for people with this problem.
We are two sisters also caring for our Dad 24/7 in his own home.
We have:-
A shared rota between the two of us.
A private care agency to give us one night a week off together and half a day during the week. We also use this agency for any weeks off we take for a holiday etc.
With the help of SS we have Dad in a day centre 3 days a week - he thinks he goes to work. He does moan about it telling us that people there have that illness 'Old Timers' but the centre say he is great when he's there.
We had a carers assessment and we now get 5 free hours a week from SS for a sitting service.
We have been advised though to look at NH in case of carer breakdown as Comm Matron and CPN said at least we would have some insight of what was available out there!
We want to care for Dad and at this moment couldnt bear to put him in a NH but are realistic that we might have to one day
We have:-
A shared rota between the two of us. A private care agency to give us one night a week off together and half a day during the week. We also use this agency for any weeks off we take for a holiday etc. With the help of SS we have Dad in a day centre 3 days a week - he thinks he goes to work. He does moan about it telling us that people there have that illness 'Old Timers' but the centre say he is great when he's there. We had a carers assessment and we now get 5 free hours a week from SS for a sitting service. We have been advised though to look at NH in case of carer breakdown as Comm Matron and CPN said at least we would have some insight of what was available out there!We want to care for Dad and at this moment couldnt bear to put him in a NH but are realistic that we might have to one day
Sister Act
Sister Act: Thank you for your reply. Again, so helpful! I appreciate you all offering your thoughts and advice.
Sister Act: Thank you for your reply. Again, so helpful! I appreciate you all offering your thoughts and advice.
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