When a daughters help is not enough

[Marnie]

Hey All - Today I seem to be so very sad - Mum has now been in resi care for 3 years now. Dementia was diagnosed 3 years ago. Today with the Jubilee celebrations going on in her resi care home she is unable to participate. She cannot enjoy any of the festivities - sing-alongs - tea-time treats (she has no interest in food and has to be spoon fed most of the time) she has no interest in anything. In March - Mothers Day.... we think she most probably had a stroke - she has been to the hospital but being nearly 92 - docs said leave her alone - we do not want to be pulling her about. - I was happy to hear that. But - she talks now in baby language - nobody can understand her - apart from a couple of words here and there - is doubly incontinent - cannot walk - I feel so sad that I cannot help her - most of the time she really does not care whether I am there or not. I did not realise that dementia would be so awful. My father had alzheimers and passed away some 10 years ago but somehow it did not seem to be as traumatic as what mum is going though.

I always thought the last few years with my mother would be good, but, it is all so distressing - no two visiting days are the same - one day not so bad and the next awful. She appears to be so very unhappy despit being in a very good care home.

 

[vdg]

My Mum is much the same only a bit younger.We just have to do what we can and console ourselves that we can do no more and that they are well looked after. It is hard not to feel bad about things but we didn't wish this illness of them and as long as we do what we can then we have fulfilled our role as daughter.

 

[Christinec]

Hi Marnie,
My Mum has been in her care home for 5 years and sounds as though she is at the same stage as yours. I think all these celebrations like the Jubilee, Christmas and Mothers Day make me feel sadder too. You are not alone in feeling like this.

Partly I think it is the idea that everyone else is having a jolly time and partly I think it is guilt. How can I have a good time when Mum is in such a sad state. Logically I know both these ideas are silly. Not everyone is having a great time and my Mum will not be any better if I am miserable but somehow I cannot quite deal with it logically.

My solution is more or less to ignore these special days and continue as normal.

There really is not much we can actually do to make anything better for our parents but I hate this disease so much.

Hope you do have a lovely weekend whatever you do.

 

[Pheath]

Marnie, the title of your thread really spoke to me and can relate to a lot that you say – dementia is just awful. I'm sorry to hear your mum is so unresponsive to her surroundings, it must be very painful for you to witness. The worst part is being so powerless to make things right or better. I try so hard with dad but nothing seems enough. Today when i went to the care home he looked so unhappy and disgruntled (he was sometimes like this when he lived with us too and nothing like his cheerful pre-dementia self). Everyone else in the room was participating in puzzles and doing a quiz but he was just sitting there and seems a lot worse than many of the others. I spend so much energy trying to cheer him up but inside feel torn apart by it all. Like you say Christinec it’s hard to feel happy and enjoy oneself when a loved one is in such a bad way and even when I have a day off from visiting it’s like a dark cloud always hanging over me. Wish there was a way not to absorb his mood so much, almost feel like I need a protective shield but have always had a sensitive disposition and guess there’s not much I can do about it. Suppose all we do is our best and continue to be by their sides as much as we can, however difficult that is. Px