Advice for coping?

[RubberDuckLover]

I know this has probably been posted a thousand times but I just feel overwhelmed and I need some advice on how to cope.

I'm a sixteen year old girl and about a year ago my nan was diagnosed with a combination of Parkinson's and Dementia. It didn't seem too bad and some days she's still normal but we moved her to a bungalow down the road to help my grandad - until then she had been the dominant one of the two of them and had done everything, he can't even work an oven. But he never listens to the doctors advice, he think she just forgets things to annoy him (he doesn't seem to understand it's a brain problem) and he gets annoyed at her over little things, we hear him swearing in the back ground on the phone or telling her that she's "f***ing mental" or that she's going into a home and she's equally cruel in return - when she's lucid that is. In return she's violent towards him, we had to take her to A&E after she cracked her head open attacking him and I once got called out in the middle of the night to break up a fight between the two of them when my parents weren't around and spent four hours sat between them.

When they're around us normally they pretend to be sweet as punch but they're absolutely horrible to each other. And they spend a lot of time in our house, my mum does all of the work for them and it seems like every conversation my family have is about them and what they've fought about today and my mum's always shouting at my dad about them - he's their son - and has to drive them everywhere so she's always irritable and often takes her irritation out on me and dad and is always shouting at us and slamming doors.

I'm in the middle of my exam period so my stress levels are high, and I'm finding it harder to cope, and they've started fighting again and I just feel so much pressure to pretend everything's alright when half the time I can't stand to be around them - and I see them most days of the week - because of the way they act towards each other and the fact that nan always makes inappropriate comments around us, or jokes which she never would have made before or makes snide remarks at my grandad in front of us. I love them underneath it all but I feel trapped and hurt by the way they act towards us sometimes. Can you give me some advice on how to cope because whenever the doctors try to tell him how to deal with her I don't feel like my grandad listens so he isn't showing any signs of improving and my nan doesn't understand that she has dementia so she won't try to help herself.

I just have so much going on outside of this drama to and I feel like I'm going to crumble under all this pressure!

 

[Onlyme]

Hi

First off you have got a lot on your plate and having to cope with exams as well is a nightmare. I would go to your tutor and explain what life is like at home and ask what to do. I think (not sure) that they can request a letter from the Dr to say that you are not 100% (due to stress living with dementia sufferer). It might not be possible but its worth a try.

I cant think of what to suggest for your Nan and Grandad. I do think you Dad needs to take the lead with looking after his parents. Its not fair that your Mum is getting it in the neck when they aren't even her own parents. Try to do small things around that house that will help, fold the laundry, wash the dishes etc. She will notice and will love you even more for it. I have been there and I know how small things mean a lot.

Please keep posting and we will help if we can.

 

[Big Geordie]

Hi RubberDuckLover, cracking name!!!!!!! Just a suggestion but go into the section about younger dementia sufferers and their carers, and look down, currently page 1 for a thread entitled "Is there anybody on here who is around 20?", have a little read down that, it may give you some little tips/advice and the realisation that your not alone with your thoughts and worries. Good luck. Big Geordie

 

[Margaret W]

Jeez, Rubberducklover, what a lot on your plate. Now, if it were not for the fact that your nan has dementia, I would have said this was a great family to be in - lots of childish aggro, lots of strong language, and in some families lots of laughs too. All signs of lots of love. Some couples "enjoy" being horrible to each other, it is just the way they run their lives.

But it ain't like that is it?

About your grandad. My husband is a camel too. Head in the sand. It will all be alright. Takes no notice of doctors, nothing sinks in, never has and never will. Today I needed help in getting up off a low stool. He went to grab me around the ribs. I have a broken rib. Stupid man. No thought at all.

Yep, you dad has to take charge and get the arguments stopped in public.

You need to sit down with him and have a serious talk to him. Print off a copy of this email and slap it in front of him.

And print off a copy for your tutors too. Though sadly the GCSE boards aren't likely to by sympathetic, but try it anyway.

It's a pity you have to put up with this most days of the week. Do you have a good schoolfriend whose house you could go to some evenings to do some revision together? Or take yourself off to the local library, if you have one. Get away from the aggro from people who don't seem to realise what you are going through, but above all, don't let them stop you from getting good grades in your exams. If you live in Derbyshire, you can come to my house any time.

Look after yourself at this point in time, There are several people looking after your Nan. Leave them to it. Get out of the house, or lock yourself in your bedroom.

Get the grades your deserve to get. You've got another 80 years on this planet. Let those older than you sort out the older generation.

Much love

Margaret

 

[wispa]

Hi

Margaret W has spoken some very wise words !

You have your Dad and Mum around to take on board most of this - you shouldn't have too.

Although I know it is going to affect you - really try very hard to not let it get to you.....you can't change things no matter what you do....so make sure you make your exams a priority as they are going to shape the rest of your life...your Nan, your Grandad, your Mum and your Dad have all had their time....and it's your turn now...do the very very best you can and just stick your head in the sand where your nan is concerned.

This might sound very selfish, but honestly....if you let this eat away at you, it won't change anything, you will just get yourself worked up and not be able to do the best in your exams.

As Onlyme said....you can help your Mum and Dad with the small things, which will make a big difference....But do not get wrapped in the heartache of all this.....it will do you no good and all, and will have an effect on the rest of your life, if your Nan was 'normal' you know she really wouldn't want this to effect you in this way.

I have a 15 year old son who is getting very stressed about exams at the moment, and my Mum has dementia and is now in a care home....I really wouldn't want him to have the burdon of the worry of his Nan on top of his exams and your Mum won't either.

Take care and as Margaret W says, you need to find 'time out' at a friends house away from it all to have peace and quiet to revise.

And most of all don't worry, what will happen, will happen and you can't change it by worrying.

X

 

[Farmergirl]

Hi RDL,
i have a 16 year old daughter who had to put up with a lot of what you describe!
We had my mum live with us for almost a year - talk about cramping kate's style!
At the start, she was okay with it and understod why we had to have her, but rapidly granny got worse and more demented which Kate found increasinglyembarassing when she had friends round.
kate is going thro0ugh her GCSE's just now and her stress levels are high - Im aware that she flies off the handle, (but that she dosnt mean owt by it - its just a stress releif).
I think talking to your form tutor is a good idea (if you feel okay with this), but also can you talk to your mum?
I know not all daughters have a great relationship with their mum (mine with my mum was always awful), but I talk AND LISTEN to Kate, and to be fair - if Im having a rubbish day, I sound off to her. After Ive ranted about 'what gran said or did today', she gives me a hug and we usually have a laugh or cry together. She's a great girl who puts up with a lot from her mum! I hope you can try and have a chat with your mum - perhaps some time whilst your out for coffee and a bun or something?
I think the important thing is to recognise that its normal and acceptable for you to get stressy with all this stuff - perhaps if the social worker is around sometime you could mention that this is affecting you at school - might be a good start.

Good luck in your exams - Im getting the vibes that your a sensible good girl and I wish I could send you a big hug (mushy yeah, but sometimes we all need a bit of mush).

 

[zeeeb]

Some people just aren't made to be carers. And sounds like your grandfather is one of them. No shame in that, it's just the way it is. I have a father that I feel is going to be equally hellish when my mum reaches the depths of her alzheimers and I shudder to think how he will cope. He is a full on hard core control freak, has to have everything his way, and just so (even tells me which knife i should use when cutting a particular vegetable, or how to make a cake, as if he's ever made a cake in his life...) so how will he go when mum turns the whole house upside down looking for a nail file.

I have no real advice, but you are not alone, there are plenty of us going through these stresses. It's never easy and it's always stressful.

Sometimes you have to wonder if they would both be better off if your nanna was in a nursing home, at least there wouldn't be the daily abuse as there is at home, she would have people that understand what she needs to hear and what action she needs taken for her. But good luck in anyone listening to that point of view.

It's a hard disease for even the most caring, patient, loving and nurturing types, and for those who are not that way inclined, i have no idea how they cope.