Update on emergency respite (Mum and Dad fighting)

[marsaday]

Hi All,

I posted a few days ago to say that I had finally got Mum in to Respite. Otherwise SS were going to take action. Thank goodness I had my lovely Sil on hand to help and divert. With a few white lies we got her there and she reluctantly agreed to stay for 'a few days.'

It has been such a hectic week but today I actually feel I can relax for a bit. I took her out yesterday and we had a walk in the sunshine and she sat out back at my house in the sun (her favourite thing to do). I worried about getting her back in but it wasn't too bad.

Unfortunately I have had a massive row with my Dad. I said things I have been longing to say for years. I also said I wouldn't be back until he agreed to cooperate re changes which may include him moving into sheltered accom. He is the reason Mum can no longer stay at home and may not be allowed back if he doesn't work with us.
He has abused her verbally, emotionally and, at times, physically all their married life and yet he still sits in the house that she paid for and says he's not for moving.
He slammed the door on me and told me to get out after I offered to help him find somewhere more suitable to live. I cannot believe that we have put up with him all these years-but that was always because Mum said any aggro would only cause her more grief.

I walked out on him but now have to face the fact that a physically frail, elderly alcoholic who smokes is on his own in the house. I generally call nearly every day for Mum's sake but now that she's in respite I can't face him. On the one hand I don't have to worry about Mum's safety for a week but I am worrying is he still alive. If he is found dead in the house will I blame myself?

My brothers will probably check up on him at some stage but they think I have instigated the whole sorry mess by telling tales to SS and I am just giving them more hassle. It would be more convenient for them to keep Mum at home to keep an eye on him which means also being subject to his neglect and abuse rather than face facts and try make both their lives a bit more comfortable in their old age.

I have spent the week alternating between guilt and rage. Help!!

 

[Christinec]

Hi Marsaday,
I dont think I can help but wanted to reply so that you did not feel that no one had thought about your post.

Like you I did manage to get Mum in to respite care without the guardianship which was put in place eventually to ensure she could not be removed against her best interests. I will never forget the day I took her in but the priority had to be to protect her. Social Work had said they were starting the guardianship proceedure about 6 weeks earlier but nothing was done until it became clear that it had to be done urgently. I mention this in case it is relevant to your situation.

Regarding your father as I feel that all I can say is a completely useless that whatever you do will not be easy on you. You only get one life so trying to make the best of that needs to be part of your decision making process on the other hand some people would say that we have no right to choose to walk away. As with so many things I suspect only someone who has walked in your shoes has any idea of what you are faciing.

I really hope that a wiser person than me comes on and replies to your plea for help and I am replying partly in the hope that by bumping your post up it will catch the eye of others who can respond. Your plight is so difficult that I suspect people just do not know what to say. Also perhaps given the difficulties all 24 hour carers of someone with dementia face people here do not really want to believe that there might be some carers who because of their own circumstances really cannot and should not take on the role of caring for another person whether that person is an adult with alzheimers or a child.

Well done for you taking on board that your mother needs protection and proper care and doing what you can to make sure she gets this. Obviously social work also have concerns but they do not have to deal with this emotionally and given this is your Mum and Dad this must be so hard for you. I also have a brother who basically could not care less and was happy to stay out of the way and get on with his own life. Totally useless.

Please keep posting as whatever happens and whatever you decide TP can be a wonderful support and source for everyone affected by this dreadful disease.

Wishing you all the best

 

[marsaday]

Thanks for your reply Christnec.

It's been such a whirlwind of phone calls these past few weeks that I didn't look back at this post for a while. Yes I appreciate that some people may read my posts and think it's all just too much. I have thought this about some other posts where the problems just seem insurmountable and everyone is in their own private hell with this disease.
I do see that things may seem even worse for people who are caring for a beloved partner or parent where there is a real sense of loss and grief. Whereas I grieved for lost parents (they were present but inadequate for my needs) all through my life and have learned to rely on myself so much that in a strange way makes this process easier.

I am slowly learning to switch off my frustration with them, to look after Mum but stay emotionally detached. While she was in respite I had to re-direct my thoughts of "Poor Mum in that awful place" to "At least Mum is safe and well looked after."
It helps me to think that she had a good 75 years of freedom to choose in this life, whether or not her choices were bad. She was a member of many groups and went away for weekends and holidays. I took her on holiday with my family for about 10 years running to places like Spain, France and Portugal. So she hasn't had a bad old time and I have always been there for her. I just wish she could sometimes see it my way but it's too late now.

Mum is getting home tomorrow to an increased package of care. We are meanwhile looking for a more permanent place in a local supported housing for dementia scheme. I went to see it and it looks lovely. My brothers are now coming round to my way of thinking. So it's (the respite) been the catalyst we all needed for change.

Dad has reluctantly agreed to let more carers into the house but he's still not for moving. He will be left on his own sometime in the near future in a totally unsuitable house but we'll deal with that when it happens. I'm still not on good terms with him so dreading going down today to face him when Mum gets home.

 

[bemused1]

Don't let the guilt win- you are doing far more than a lot of people would with all you have dealt with in your life. Having said that it is so difficult to turn your back on your own flesh and blood. As far as your father is concerned- there is nothing you can do there and trying to fight it is far worse for you than for him.

Do what you can for your mother and if that means she is safer not being at home,then accept that and don't beat yourself up about it- you cannot change people if they don't want to change and sadly that possibility has now passed- but no way is that your fault.

I take you point about it being easier for you that you don't have so much to lose now, but I think you are suffering just as much as those who are losing deraly loved ones- there will never be the possibility now of a close bond and that can hurt every bit as much. Relying on yourself because you have had to, I recognise that, but it doesn't mean it hurts any less to have to face these things, in fact I think its harder because its easier to do things from love than from a bad place.

I hope things are eassier for you now that the air has cleared, I wish you peace.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello marsaday

You have done your best, you cannot live your parents` lives for them you can only try to make life easier for them and this you are doing.

You also have a duty to yourself. You have had to learn from an early age how to look after yourself so need no advice from me. But I do encourage you.