What should I have said?

[Moonflower]

My mum has Alzheimers, but has never asked or been told what is wrong. We've always just referred to her "memory problems." Anyway, there was an incident at the care home yesterday which upset mum, when another resident became very agitated. The staff explained to mum that the other resident didn't mean it, she has dementia. Mum wrote the word down as it isn't one she has heard before.
Anyway, I was sitting with mum and she asked me "do I have dementia?" I didn't know what to say, but she had asked a straight question so I said that yes, she has dementia but it doesn't mean that she gets agitated like the other lady did, she just gets forgetful and a bit anxious, especially in the evenings. Mum seemed ok with this - and to be honest she's probably forgotten the conversation by now.
What should I have said? I don't want to upset her - I think it's the old arguement that if it was me I'd want to be told but I don't want to tell mum and upset her.

 

[jeany123]

I think that you said exactly the right thing, my husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia but was not taking any notice or forgot when the specialist was telling us this and weeks later we were in with a hospital doctor when the doc said" I see he has dementia" my husband was very upset by this , the doc went over the other side of the room and my husband said" I don't have dementia do I" so I said it was just another word for blood not getting to his brain properly and causing short term memory loss ,he was happy with this and calmed down and has not mentioned it since

 

[Chemmy]

I don't want to upset her .

I think you played it just right. Tell her (whatever the subject) in a way that isn't going to upset her - only you know the person and can decide exactly how that should be.

 

[robertjohnmills]

A straight question

Hi there,
It is a very emotive issue but I think you handled it perfectly. Your Mum deserved the respect and the need to be treated with integrity by you and you did it beautifully. Even if she had become a bit tearful I think it is only fair to be honest and answer a straight question with a straight answer.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I also think you said exactly the right thing. You satisified your mother without distressing her.

I'm not a believer in the cold unvarnished truth for people with dementia. There are many situations where one would only be repeating distressing news over and over, such as the death of loved ones, even though it may be an 85 year old asking for his parents.

I could never tell my mother she had Alzheimer's as she became violently agitated when we tried on a few occasions. But "memory problems" were acceptable for some reason.

 

[meme]

I also think you gave the right response for your mother and for you.....

 

[frazzled1]

My mum has Alzheimers, but has never asked or been told what is wrong. We've always just referred to her "memory problems." Anyway, there was an incident at the care home yesterday which upset mum, when another resident became very agitated. The staff explained to mum that the other resident didn't mean it, she has dementia. Mum wrote the word down as it isn't one she has heard before.
Anyway, I was sitting with mum and she asked me "do I have dementia?" I didn't know what to say, but she had asked a straight question so I said that yes, she has dementia but it doesn't mean that she gets agitated like the other lady did, she just gets forgetful and a bit anxious, especially in the evenings. Mum seemed ok with this - and to be honest she's probably forgotten the conversation by now.
What should I have said? I don't want to upset her - I think it's the old arguement that if it was me I'd want to be told but I don't want to tell mum and upset her.

hi there,

I agree with Jeany, that its best to be honest, but to word the sentence thoughtfully and with great tact and kindness followed up by something really positive such as there are many ways in which one can improve the situation and that you will help them to do this, and that the person in question is doing very well.

 

[JackMac]

You did the right thing.

My mum asked me at the start what they were looking for with the MRI scan. I said "what do you think they might be looking for?" She said "Alzheimers?"
I said, yes that is a possibility. And we were straight with her too when it was.

It does depend on the person and you knew what was right.

There are other times we wish we had not been so honest with her. We don't always judge it right but all any of us can do is our best.

 

[Moonflower]

Thank you all for your responses. I'm feeling upset and I'm sure she's completely forgotten about it! It is such a horrible disease, poor mum.

 

[jeany123]

Thank you all for your responses. I'm feeling upset and I'm sure she's completely forgotten about it! It is such a horrible disease, poor mum.

Try not to be upset you are doing your best and you are right it is a horrible disease

Jeany x

 

[massolina]

My dad refers to his Alzhiemers and is aware that it is at the root of his problems.

 

[Billie61]

Sometimes I wish MIL was aware that she had dementia and then other times I am glad that she is oblivious to it all.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Moonflower

I waited until my husband asked what was wrong with him before I told him he had Alzheimer`s and although it saddened him, he accepted it.
You have done the same for your mother, you waited until she asked and then told her the truth.
I do believe my husband didn`t understand the full implications, he thought he could get better if, for example , he ate sardines and plenty of fruit and vegetables, and generally thought it was connected to his poor memory.
Perhaps your mother doesn`t understand the full implications either.