Can anyone tell me how.......

[allend100]

I read the TP posts I’m amazed and humbled at the way people cope with the most distressing situations, so right now I’m telling myself to ‘get a grip’ Mum has been in a home for a couple of months now and mostly seems settled. I think she benefits from the stimulation of having more going on around her (except when they’re all stuck in front of the TV with the volume too loud) She is eating well and has even put a couple of pounds back on. But it’s killing me, I feel so sad all the time. Not visiting is not an option. So, even when you believe it’s the best thing for your loved one……. how do you stop being torn apart every time you see them??

 

[Billie61]

I really feel for you.

We are dreading the day that MIL has to go into residential care.
She went to respite for 2 nights when she had a wee infection and we missed her dreadfully. She is such hard work, but I would not change having her here.

We know the time will come when she will need to leave us, but we hope that we will have done enough up until then to make the guilt a little more bearable. I know for a fact that we will definitely feel guilt, but I know that there is so much support on this site to help us through it.

Try to remember all the good things you have done and that you are still doing what is best for your mum.

 

[Biddy88]

Hello allend100

I may very soon be in the same position as you - Mum was sectioned 2 wks ago and we are having a review meeting with the psych on Wed. Dreading them sending her home again, which would be a disaster, and dreading her having to go into a home. Can't win! My sister and I have just been talking and we reckon we're feeling worse right now than we have all along.

I think you're grieving. You've spent so much time and energy caring and trying to do the right thing. Now that the dust is finally beginning to settle, you don't have to fight any more and all that energy has nowhere to go. You start to reflect on all that's happened and all you've lost, and you worry about this childlike person you've 'abandoned' with strangers. This, I think, is when the pain really kicks in and I know we have it all still to come.

I don't know how anyone is supposed to deal with all that! It's small comfort to you right now but you know you did the right thing and your Mum is relatively happy.

Is there someone who can go with you when you visit sometimes, and share your time together - perhaps take a bit of the pressure off? If nothing else, this forum is a great place when you need to talk to people who know how it is.

Sending you a big cyberhug. X

 

[vdg]

I made a list of the pro's and cons of Mum going into a care home and have kept it.I refer to it when I am feeling bad about things and remind myself of all the good reasons for her being there.The pro's list was much, much longer than the cons.

 

[Grannie G]

…. how do you stop being torn apart every time you see them??

By knowing life is better for them now than it was then, even if it is not what any of us would choose.

 

[allend100]

Thank you

I've made my list of pros and cons, yep you're right, the pros list is longer for being looked after in the care home. The lady in the care home is still my Mum but is very poorly. I've realised that (selfishly) the Mum I want back at home is a fit and healthy 69 year old who I can meet for coffee and go shopping with. So, yep you're right again, I couldn't meet her needs at home anymore, so I've done the right thing. I'm fighting my own demons and do 'just need to get a grip' and make sure she gets the best care possible. Big thanks for all your replies

 

[massolina]

I know how you must feel, my dad is in care just for a weeks respite but it makes me think of what may be to come , so very sad. My dad is my rock so god knows how I'll cope. I feel for you . Jo

 

[george w]

I know that feeling oh so well.

Hi,
Just to say I don't think that guilt feeling ever goes away no matter how much it is probably the right decision.

My sob story is I cared for my Mum for 9 years whilst she stayed in her home. As the years went by I did absolutely everything for her. Every night she came back to my house for her dinner and then I would take her home and put her to bed. Before I went to work in the morning I would feed and dress her and I really use to pray for someone to make a decision other than me about putting her in a home as I could not.

The decision did get taken out of my hands thank goodness, but overnight my Mum changed from a woman that never could remember anything but coped to someone who could not walk, talk, feed or drink by herself.

She spent 4 and a half months in a hospital bed. When nothing more could be done for her she had to go into a nursing home. Believe me the guilt was terrible even though we knew we could not give the kind of care she needed.

For a couple of months in the home she seemed to be happy in her own world but then her health deteriorated. She lasted 7 months in the home. It may sound weird but we took lots of photos of her during her stay and when I'm ready I will put these photos in a book and show people how awlful this disease is and how it affects the family. Its not just their memory that is affected.It is just such a dehabiliting disease but you do have to finally give in, no matter how much you want to protect them.


The only thing we did as a family was that we visited her every day so as you see the guilt never goes away as we still could not leave her.

Even now when was it that I really lost my Mum to this horrible disease. Years, months who can say!!

Now though as I look back I think I did everything that I could possibly do but believe me the guilt feeling is the worst ever. You do your best. Stay as happy as you can be. I have free time now but I wish I could have that time back to look after her.

Carers are the only ones to know the pain that we all go through.
Take care everybody. Do apologise for the long saga.

 

[Mun]

george w,

I found your thread very eloquently put.
Val

 

[rosaliesal]

You hurt because you love.............................................. ..............

The only way to get to grips with the sadness and guilt is to say I am doing my best. show all the love you can all of the time because you will always remember that you did that and your mum will see you care. You know she is in the best place for her own safety. She is not alone but has company which many old people fail to have. The sadness you feel is because you love....its impossible not to feel sad for someone you love. You can not change what has happened but focus on giving her big smiles when ever you can. Its all about refocusing the mind. When depression sets in its a black black place which will always fail to help....so when things get tough focus with all of your might on something pleasant and try to bring some fun into your life without feeling guilty for having any fun. If you stay strong you can deal with this but making yourself ill with worry wont help your family and they will worry about you. I looked after my mum for many many years, seven of which were living with me at home and I can look back now and say we loved each other....I told her so all of the time and I was lucky that she was able to tell me. I only wish I could have her back, even with her problems.

I read the TP posts I’m amazed and humbled at the way people cope with the most distressing situations, so right now I’m telling myself to ‘get a grip’ Mum has been in a home for a couple of months now and mostly seems settled. I think she benefits from the stimulation of having more going on around her (except when they’re all stuck in front of the TV with the volume too loud) She is eating well and has even put a couple of pounds back on. But it’s killing me, I feel so sad all the time. Not visiting is not an option. So, even when you believe it’s the best thing for your loved one……. how do you stop being torn apart every time you see them??