not sure how to deal/problems with friends

[hopefulasever]

Hi,
I was wondering if anyone has any advice regarding how to deal with friends? At times I feel incredibly let down by my friends, some of them seem too scared to ask me about how I'm doing even though my mum was diagnosed over a year ago and they seem to think I deal with everything wrongly no matter what I do, if I don't seem upset, then I'm weird and if I'm angry or upset I'm also handling it badly. I'm quite a closed person but recently I've ended up in tears most days - we went out to a club last thursday for a friend's birthday and I spent two hours in the loos crying, yet one of my bestfriends criticised me for 'throwing a strop' and ruining the other friend's birthday. Whenever I tell them I'm let down by them not checking up on me they have a go at me as if I'm in the wrong for being upset. I've never really had any problems with any of them before it's just none of them seem to remotely understand. I know that it's mainly an age thing as we're all only 20 and none of them have been through anything like this but I feel so isolated and upset.
So if anyone can offer any help I'd be very grateful
xx

 

[Grommit]

Dealing with friends when you are in a difficult situation is always a little traumatic.

I found them roughly divided into two categories, ones that back off as soon as Alzheimers is mentioned and change the subject and the others sympathise and make all sorts of offers of help which, for whatever reason, are hardly ever carried out.

There have been and still are times when I don't want the word Alzheimers to be mentioned and there are other times when I could do with a good chat about it.

It is very difficult for friends to assess what it is I want. A good moan or totally forget the elephant in the room and I don't really blame them for backing off. They have their lives to lead and their own problems to deal with.

I have found over the years that friends who are faced with similar adversities tend to stick together much more than friends that are just looking forward to an uncomplicated life that follows the paths they have laid out for themselves.

I empathise with your situation but cannot really give advice on which path you should follow.

 

[mike antony]

Is their anybody on here who is around 20?

hi

you said your 20 so should check this post today

Is their anybody on here who is around 20?

lots of people your age coming into contact

 

[TinaT]

I think some of this is an 'age' thing. I wonder how many friends in their twenties have had to cope with what you are going through - in answer to that I would say none of them. Therefore they cannot relate to your distress or put themselves into your shoes. You are also at a very emotional and steep learning curve stage in your young life and must be finding you are overwhelmed emotionally. I doubt your friends can cope with this as they are also at the same stage of finding their own feet in life.

Having said all this, I am in my sixties and had a reunion with colleages who I worked with for many, many years. I sat through conversations about their families and what they considered problems in dismay and astonishment at the triviality of what they were relating. The only reference I had to my situation was one of them saying breezily, 'It must be so much easier for you now your husband is in care'. I left them thinking two things: 1) I never wanted to see any of them ever again and 2) Life has a way of jumping up and biting you in the bum when you least expect it and that they are all of the age where their lives just cannot go on in the same old, sweet, self centred way. One day they will be faced with something so big, so overwhelming that it will shake them out of their complacency into an understanding of what real problems are.

Hope this help. Not words of wisdom from an old woman, just my observations of life.

xxTinaT

 

[nicoise]

Dear Hopeful,

Unfortunately you are in a pretty unique situation of having to deal with something those of us who are 50-ish find difficult to cope with - so be kind to yourself if you think you should be doing better, or not handling things as well as you could - you are doing an amazing job in very difficult circumstances.

I imagine also that your friends have absolutely no idea what you are going through - so it is very difficult to talk it over, or hope that they might have empathy through a shared experience. Relationship problems, money worries, job issues, yes - dementia, very unlikely.

Try to forgive your friends their seeming lack of caring for you - they just cannot really understand something that is so out of their normal experiences, not that they don't care about you. And don't forget that if someone has had a drink or two (like at the club) it tends to magnify emotions and then it all sprirals out of control.

I wonder if you might consider going for some counselling, to give you a safe and supportive place to talk through your special experiences with someone who is trained in listening? You could ask your GP to refer you.

Let us know how you are getting on x

 

[sue38]

Hi,

I'm sorry you feel so let down by your friends and I know just how you feel. When my dad was ill my friends, who I'd known from school for over 30 years, seemed unable/unwiling to understand. Or even try to. When I tried to talk about what was going on with my dad I could see their eyes glazing over, and so I kept things to myself - except here on TP, where people listen and understand.

Eventually when I could no longer plaster on a happy smile I sent them an email trying to explain how I felt about my dad, and how I needed more from them. If I was expecting them to come running I couldn't have been more wrong. All I got was silence from most of them, and one of them left a number of voicemails berating me for sending an email that had upset her so much! She went on to make sarcastic comments on Facebook (including 'I don't regret my past, just the wrong people I've wasted time on' - charming!) and a number of nasty emails. I got little or no support from the others, so eventually the friendships broke down completely.

I think perhaps I had never been the friend in need before. I'd usually been the one listening to their woes, and maybe the role reversal was too much. I don't think I'll ever know, but I knew I couldn't cope with the pain they were causing me, on top of what I was already coping with.

I even sent them a link to TP to try and get them to understand what it's like coping with dementia. Nothing.

If I could give you any advice I'd say to you to think carefully if these people are true friends, or just good-time friends. Do they really care about you, or just care about having a good time?

Your friends are 20 years younger than mine, and probably haven't experienced a parent's illmess, so perhaps could be forgiven a little for their lack of understanding. Or perhaps there are better friends out there.

 

[beech mount]

Hopeful, these people are people you know, not friends There is a Arabic saying "A true friend is above diamonds" They are thin on the ground but will stick by you.
You have a heavy burden to bear and i wish you luck.
John.

 

[mockingbird59]

Hi,
I was wondering if anyone has any advice regarding how to deal with friends? At times I feel incredibly let down by my friends, some of them seem too scared to ask me about how I'm doing even though my mum was diagnosed over a year ago and they seem to think I deal with everything wrongly no matter what I do, if I don't seem upset, then I'm weird and if I'm angry or upset I'm also handling it badly. I'm quite a closed person but recently I've ended up in tears most days - we went out to a club last thursday for a friend's birthday and I spent two hours in the loos crying, yet one of my bestfriends criticised me for 'throwing a strop' and ruining the other friend's birthday. Whenever I tell them I'm let down by them not checking up on me they have a go at me as if I'm in the wrong for being upset. I've never really had any problems with any of them before it's just none of them seem to remotely understand. I know that it's mainly an age thing as we're all only 20 and none of them have been through anything like this but I feel so isolated and upset.
So if anyone can offer any help I'd be very grateful
xx

Hi there, not sure if I can add anything else to help - just know you are not on your own. This forum is a good place to let off steam.
Our youngest is 20 and like you has problems with friends not understanding why she gets so down at times. Seeing the changes in her dad is so hard for her each time she comes home.
I do agree with the other person who posted about seeing your G.P. - he/she will listen and may have ideas, contacts, local support group suggestions. Also talking to someone face to face about how you feel will help you to offload, so counselling should be an option to consider - don't ignore your own health, physical and mental.
An email to your friends sounds like a good idea - this way you can take time to compose what you want to say, letting them know exactly how things are for you. I expect they will be quite shocked as it is so far away from their knowledge base.
Be kind to yourself, all the best, Alison

 

[sad girl]

I too have had a similar experience with my "friends" from school whom I had known for over 35 years. Mum had a stroke 7 years ago and it had a devastating effect on me. I am no longer the same person I used to be.

Mum had to be resusitated twice during her hospital stay and some of my friends - 2 of them trained nurses - never once rang or called to see how mum was or how I was. I went on to have the worst 2 years of my life with mum and my stress levels were sky high - again I didn't get "how are you" they just stayed away! It left me very bitter and full of resentment that I don't have anything to do with them now. When I get the odd text now saying 'were going to the pub' I just ignore it. I cannot get passed their lack of compassion for a friend in need and therefore I don't class them as friends. My husband thinks I am silly and says they too have their own life, but I'm not buying that at all. Now with mum having been diagnosed with Vascular dementia I felt quite isolated all over again. Thankfully the readers on this site has restored my faith in human beings

 

[frazzled1]

chances are, you are feeling alone right now thinking "there's no one else out there in my situation who can possibly understand me"....and in another part of the country, or maybe in your town, sits another person,feeling all alone and upset thinking exactly the same thing at the same time. Maybe your best friend is out there and you just havent met them yet? Have you tried the organisations specifically for young carers? There are a few and they plan their own social events. Its worth a google search for events for young carers, or maybe to join a new club like Rotaract that combine charity work with partying, and is perfect for your age group. If you dont have much free time you only go out when/if you are free without pressure of a weekly commitment at the same time (as you would have if you joined a Rock Choir or something, although if you did that it would probably be a brilliant social life!!)

 

[hopefulasever]

thanks for the advice - I went to my uni's student services and have been on the waiting list for councelling since february. I think I should probably go to the GP to see if I can get seen somewhere else quicker but part of me is really frustrated/hurt that I have to resort to councelling instead of having the support of my friends (not to mention the lack of help from my family - my mum's a single mother and I'm an only child, yet my aunts and uncles have never once asked me how I am and have criticised everything I've done)

 

[Reds]

Great you brought this subject up Hopefulasever!

I feel quite alone as do not see/chat to enough people generally due to my job/lifestyle. One of my friends which I had always considered a 'best friend' has not been in touch with me for ages and it hurts. She cancelled a couple of our eves out for different reasons but considering my husband has Alzheimer's I just feel she could have at least pushed herself by now to have met up or even sent a text saying 'thinking of you, hope your hubby is ok and that you are coping'. i don't expect people to run around after me just because my hubby is ill but like you it would be nice if they could be a bit more supportive as I too think that is what a true friend should be like. I know I would at least try to be sympathetic and help them along the way.

I have 3 sisters, one is a reasonable listener but probably only speak once a month usually on the phone, one I hardly see and if I do its very quick but she is sympathetic in a way, the other eldest sister doesn't seem to want to know about Alzheimer's even though I have some communication with her, she just sees me as her little sister and treats it like my husband has just a cold or something. Just cannot understand it when I had hoped always we could be close.

This week I was very upset due to how my husband behaved about our anniversary so I telephoned my mum to apologise to her as she had rang earlier that day to say happy anniversary and I was a little tearful. She was very abrupt and said I should think so and that I should just accept it and get on with it like I should with anything that can't be changed! I felt like an emotional wreck that day so felt very hurt and shocked by this! I know she wouldn't like to cope with what I have to!! May be she thought that tactic would work but it was not tactful of her. Just a bit of empathy would have gone a long way. I am visiting her on Saturday just like I always do but don't feel like it now for this week and will find it very hard not to show my feelings.

I think anyone I know wants me to look happy and behave as though my life is wonderful. I do enjoy what I can, look young for my age, cope very well but once in a while I am bound to be upset that my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the age of 58 and its not always easy to live with. Its hard not to feel the enormous impact of the disease myself, I feel so sorry for my husband but it takes over my life, and I too don't know what to do/think.

I too feel like I need one to one counselling to help me to vent my pent up feelings because I have no one who really wants to be close to me and understand how difficult it is to cope mentally/emotionally when someone has a brain disorder (sorry if thats not quite the right word) that you live with all the time. However, I find it hard to trust someone and also it is when/how to spend that time on apointments, whether to go to NHS or to afford it privately and I think will it actually help or make things worse as I feel exhausted about the whole situation anyway.

THANKS again for this subject and good luck to you and everyone who finds communicating with others about this extremely difficult, frustrating matter.

 

[julesoli]

Hi, I know exactly what you are going through. I've been there myself. But, unlike you, I have a couple of very good friends who phone me regularly asking about my husband (he is just 65 and has had Alzeihmer's for 7 years) and if they could help in anyway. One of my friends (she's in her 80's) comes over often and brings my husband goodies. The ones who don't understand, I just ignore them as they are not worth your friendship.

But I would like to tell you to get in touch with the Admiral Nurses, (mine are situated at St. Ann's hospital, Tottenham) - they are wonderful, they listen to you, visit you and offer advice on how to handle situations. Also try and find out if there is a Relative Support Group in your area and attend it. I used to attend one, once a month, where you meet other carers who look after their loved ones and share their experiences. You get great support and comfort from listening to others. Hope that will help.

 

[PoppyLady]

How to deal with problem of friends.

I experienced the same problem, and I either never saw them again, just a Christmas card, or they stayed around a little while then disappeared. I decided they were never real friends in the first place and not worth worrying about. I have lots of true friends made through my 'Carer's Group' who understand what you are going through.
Just keep the friends whom you know will always be there for you no matter what. xx

 

[Tony H]

Dear hopefulasever.......your problems are not unique...

my family keeps me at arms length, they rarely ring to enquire about my health, and whilst it does hurt, I have grown to accept it,and try living as best I can................what the answer to this dilemma is I do not know.............Regards............Tony .......Australia..

Hi,
I was wondering if anyone has any advice regarding how to deal with friends? At times I feel incredibly let down by my friends, some of them seem too scared to ask me about how I'm doing even though my mum was diagnosed over a year ago and they seem to think I deal with everything wrongly no matter what I do, if I don't seem upset, then I'm weird and if I'm angry or upset I'm also handling it badly. I'm quite a closed person but recently I've ended up in tears most days - we went out to a club last thursday for a friend's birthday and I spent two hours in the loos crying, yet one of my bestfriends criticised me for 'throwing a strop' and ruining the other friend's birthday. Whenever I tell them I'm let down by them not checking up on me they have a go at me as if I'm in the wrong for being upset. I've never really had any problems with any of them before it's just none of them seem to remotely understand. I know that it's mainly an age thing as we're all only 20 and none of them have been through anything like this but I feel so isolated and upset.
So if anyone can offer any help I'd be very grateful
xx

 

[earth angel]

hi , ,

Hi,
I was wondering if anyone has any advice regarding how to deal with friends? At times I feel incredibly let down by my friends, some of them seem too scared to ask me about how I'm doing even though my mum was diagnosed over a year ago and they seem to think I deal with everything wrongly no matter what I do, if I don't seem upset, then I'm weird and if I'm angry or upset I'm also handling it badly. I'm quite a closed person but recently I've ended up in tears most days - we went out to a club last thursday for a friend's birthday and I spent two hours in the loos crying, yet one of my bestfriends criticised me for 'throwing a strop' and ruining the other friend's birthday. Whenever I tell them I'm let down by them not checking up on me they have a go at me as if I'm in the wrong for being upset. I've never really had any problems with any of them before it's just none of them seem to remotely understand. I know that it's mainly an age thing as we're all only 20 and none of them have been through anything like this but I feel so isolated and upset.
So if anyone can offer any help I'd be very grateful
xx

hi ,i work with dementia and i know exactly what youre saying, with firiends and family its very hard and for you it must be even more so, it takes time to understand and its not something that you can explain really, you are the one that lives with it and other people who dont cant understand i think its like anyrhing we have been through until we do we are ignorant i hope you know what im trying to say, everyone deals with things in differant ways, the first stages are the most difficult for the person with dementia after that the close family like yourself are the ones that find it hardest as eventually the person with dementia isnt aware of their confusion so they tend to think everyone else in wrong and confused not them, you are very young and i feel for you, its very hard to handle but im sure you will do and are doing your best, try not to let others judge you and if they do just know that you are doing your best to handlethis you will learn alot and will get a full understanding of dementia, alot of poeple are scared of what they dont know, and those that dont work or live with it allappear to be affraid as they dont know how to handle it, people judge too quick on things but your learning alot and willcontinue to do so, know that you are very strong everything will work out fine, have faith and trust in yourself ,sending you big hug and love xxx

 

[gill dix]

Friends

I believe that situations such as yours can be very isolating in deed. I am over 50 with two parents with dementia and even I find the experience isolating and I have learned over years to strengthen my resolve and stay strong without the support of friends.
Some experiences cannot be shared because they are unique. I have a son with Autism and have never found on of my long standing friends empathic.

So you might want to consider sharing your grief and pain on a forum such as this with people who do care event though you do not know them, because they have experience, and keep your friends as friends who are unable to understand your experience because they are unable to walk in your shoes.

i am not sure that age is the most important component..it is a willingness to understand and an ability to empathise which people have or haven't.

I have learned to keep my friends even though my experience distances me from essential parts of them. Not ideal but it allows us all to survive and enjoy each other on whatever level they are prepared to.

 

[rosaliesal]

Friends all react differently

Friends who have no experience of Alzheimers have absolutely no idea what you are dealing with. Its not that they do not care , it is simply they do not worry because they have no idea they should be worrying about you. To them it is a case of someone having a bad memory. They have no idea of what this leads to.

You need to have friends and to find happiness with them. Dealing with Alzheimers daily can make us feel that we are no fun and certainly are no fun when continually explaining what is wrong in our lives. It is natural to want and need to discuss the feelings and good friends understand to a point. Try to talk individually when in a happier and calm mood about how it all affects your life. then arrange a coffee with that same friend and say "today we will not discuss any problems, we will just have a good time together". This way you can find a way to cope. When it gets really bad ask if they are happy to listen.

Your heart is crying out not just because of your friends but because you are unable to change what is happening to you and panic sets in. They know they can not change anything. but hopefully in the right place and the right time they will be able to talk about your feelings and be of some support.

You can not help how you felt that night when you cried. It was because of your awful situation and because of your love of the person you can not make better. The others wanted a good night out without realizing just how much you were suffering mentally.

Try not to blame them. They really don't understand but one day they may be forced to when it is their turn.

I believe that situations such as yours can be very isolating in deed. I am over 50 with two parents with dementia and even I find the experience isolating and I have learned over years to strengthen my resolve and stay strong without the support of friends.
Some experiences cannot be shared because they are unique. I have a son with Autism and have never found on of my long standing friends empathic.

So you might want to consider sharing your grief and pain on a forum such as this with people who do care event though you do not know them, because they have experience, and keep your friends as friends who are unable to understand your experience because they are unable to walk in your shoes.

i am not sure that age is the most important component..it is a willingness to understand and an ability to empathise which people have or haven't.

I have learned to keep my friends even though my experience distances me from essential parts of them. Not ideal but it allows us all to survive and enjoy each other on whatever level they are prepared to.

 

[popplestone]

Be prepared to find help

I am so sorry you are having this happening to you.You are at the age when you should be carefree and out having fun with your friends. It is the very last problem any parent would wish on her daughter. You are having to learn to be really "grown up" at a very young age.

Your friends are young as well and have no idea what you are going through.

There is help out there,you need some one to talk with,and someone to find help for you and with you.

I have needed help like you although I am older and have had a greater experience of life.
I phoned my local Alzheimers' society and then had a meeting with one of the helpers,she listened,she offered practical advice and offered to come to the house to talk to my husband.
Please take any help you can get,it may not come from friends but as you search for help and support you will make new friends.

I would like to hear how you get on because most of us are learning how to manage as we go along.I can assure you I have hidden away for a good cry many a time!!!

Popplestone

 

[Night-owl]

there are 'friends' and there are 'friends'

Hi Hopefulasever,

I too felt so sad to read of your sadness and feelings of isolation. I, like many who've posted, are older, and am blessed by having several friends who are having, or have had parents with various distressing conditions, and are supportive. But I also am disabled due to long-term M.E. and several friends just disappeared when I could no longer walk. I think they were embarassed and didn't know how to react. Also, there is the 'if I keep away I can forget it might happen to me one day' syndrome. One M.E. sufferer wrote 'I didn't start getting better until I lost all my friends'...clearly her friends took a lot more from her than they were willing to give! Perhaps yours are the same.
Young carers groups are a good idea I think, and local groups for sufferers/carers. It would also be worth contacting your County Council and asking if they have a carers' support service. Mine provide a support worker who you can ring whenever you need(office hours), an assessment of the carer's needs, and a small annual allowance to be spent on an activity that's just for your enjoyment...a great service which I just happened to see advertised in my surgery; my GP himself knew nothing about it! Every local authority must assesss the needs of carers, and there is also a web-site for carers. The NHS website has some good pages for carers too. Hope some of this helps.
My very best wishes with it all, and love, Night-owl. xxx