Taking Mum into a Care Home

jules55

Registered User
Apr 21, 2012
3
0
I've looked after Mum every day for the past seven years but in the last two weeks, I have come to the end of the line. It's been 24 hour care, napping on her sofa, during which she gets up 4/5 times a night. If I try to go home, even for just half an hour to eat my dinner cooked by my brilliant husband or have a shower, she has a panic attack.
I've secured a place in a residential care home from next Wednesday. I've done this behind her back and hated every minute of it but I am so emotionally and physically wrung out that it has to happen. The thing is, I don't know how to get her there. My husband suggested taking her out for a drive and just turning up there without telling her, but I don't think I can live with myself afterwards. If I tell her upfront, I risk her refusing to get in the car. I'm in turmoil.
How have others dealt with this?
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,450
0
Kent
Hello Jules

I told my husband the doctor wanted him to go into a convalescent home to build up his strength and he agreed. It didn`t mean I felt good about it but it was a means to an end.

Can you ask the home to help you? Failing that I think your husband has the best answer.
 

Jackcat

Registered User
Jan 30, 2010
133
0
London
My sympathies, was there myself just a few weeks ago. There is no one right way to do it, but whatever you do will be right in the long run even if it is painful in the short term. We did tell our Mum the day before, and then again after we set off in the car, but she forgot by the time we got there, her memory is so short now. I stayed a while to help her unpack but she realised she was going to be left there and got cross and upset, so we didn't stay long. It will be tough leaving your Mum but you must remember that she will be safer than she is now, and well cared for, and the big upside is that when you visit her it will be quality time and not the exhausting pressured slog that full time care is. Best of luck with it x
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
Getting my mother out of the door at all was a mammoth task in itself, had been for a few years, let alone if she'd known she was going to a CH. No, we didn't tell her - she'd simply have refused to leave the house, and by then she was so bad there really wasn't any other option. Her GP was very good - prescribed Valium to make her more tractable. We said we were going for a drive - my sister and I took her (60 miles to a home very near me) - brother and bil followed with her things and a few bits of furniture.
The CH had asked us to arrive for lunchtime - we all had lunch together. She had no idea it was a CH - thought it was a restaurant and offered to pay. Yes, we all felt absolutely awful. A bit later my sister (who is much braver than I am) told her she was staying there. She was angry and very upset - according to her there was absolutely nothing wrong with her, but by this stage she simply wasn't safe to be unsupervised even for an hour, and TBH we'd left it too long already.

I can't pretend she settled very easily and it wasn't a nice time for any of us - the guilt monster was looming very large - but at the same time it was a great relief that she was safe and cared for, not going to set the house on fire and burn to death. Not to mention that she was no longer going to drive my poor brother to distraction by phoning him constantly, sometimes 30 times in one hour. Since he lived closest by far he had done the lion's share, but the strain of it all had really begun to affect him - he was run absolutely ragged.

Good luck, anyway. I do so feel for you - it's a horrible time - but you've evidently done your very best and it's time to let the professionals take over.
 

lin1

Registered User
Jan 14, 2010
9,350
0
East Kent
Hello from me too, Jules

I see you have already been given a couple of good ideas
I dont know if this is a good one,but how about a holiday in nice hotel

I do think Sylvias suggestion is a real good one, many older people take more notice of what the doctor says, when we have gone blue in the face saying the same thing with no effect other than a row

Unfortunately the guilt monster (as we know him here) will probably pay a visit , he always seems to pester and cause grief to those he shouldnt
(YOU) and those that really could do with a good long visit from him, he leaves untroubled.

you are doing your best for your mum and just because mum will be looked after by others , does not mean you will not be caring for your mum because you will, their will still be things you need to do but when mum is settled in, you will have more quality time with mum and wont be half so frazzeled as you are now
 

caravaner

Registered User
Aug 22, 2011
170
0
wales
Hi,

I put the idea of her having a rest/holiday somewhere with people her own age in her mind for several days before she went and kept telling her.

She settled very quickly and has been very good but the guilt monster is always there.
 

strawberrywhip

Registered User
Jun 26, 2006
76
0
kent
Be brave and get on with it

Our experience was similar to Witzend....I will never forget that day but it had to be done..and it was the beginning of our lives again. Best thing we ever did, and the hardest thing we ever did. MIL was a delightful loving person, prior to Dementia, and we had exhausted all the possibilites and ourselves..so there was no choice.
You just have to steel yourselves and do the deed....the guilt was awful but the relief was immense; and the consistent care in the home meant that our increasing stress and rows with MIL stopped, so her life and ours was more peaceful. Settling in period was dreadful she kept trying to escape..and we did stay away for a few weeks, but there was nothing else we could have done.
Thinking of you xxx
 

lisarobs

Registered User
Apr 10, 2012
7
0
best thing we ever did for my mum it gave her some life back meeting people which she enjoyed having her hair done once a week doing things art classes etc we still picked up up and brought her out for runs in the car or walks a long the beach as a family we just adding on another 15 people and staff to our family x
 

mike antony

Registered User
Apr 14, 2012
49
0
i understand your worries but after 7 years you have to accept cant do any more
my mum stopped walking and is in a home now when i visit its fun its not constant stress and guilt awful for them to be there but when there in danger at home need accept 24 hour care is now beyond you

you can say going to church restaurant visit friends to make it easier
also got to understand people with demntia react and communicate with others she might think shes in a restaurant or bingo
she could be happy or sad sometimes
but she will be safe all the time
 

jules55

Registered User
Apr 21, 2012
3
0
Thank you all so much for your suggestions. It's nice to know that others have shared this problem but the prospect is still horrible. Thanks again for your support.
 

Madhouse

Registered User
Mar 8, 2012
25
0
UK
I really feel for you. Social Services are supposed to be arranging emergency respite for my mum because my brother who lives with her is at the end of his tether... mind you, this was nearly a week ago and nothing has happened. But we haven't told mum this might be happening and I feel awful at the thought of having to take her. It would seem like leaving a child at school on their first day and worrying if they will be looked after properly. I only hope that if it comes to it she will be reasonably happy to try it because she cried all day about not wanting to be on her own. You sound amazing at the amount you have done for your mum. I'm afraid I can only bear to be at mums for an hour then I have to leave for my own sanity. Although she does have 4 carers a day so I know she has her needs met - apart from the loneliness that is, and when she doesn't know where she is....
 

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