parent after 5 years caring just gone into home lossing my home feel suicidal

[mike antony]

hi
thanks has same name here im in london so can call monday
strange never heard of it b4 its like so much stuff discovery years too late

damn just saw this im totally stuffed

unauthorised occupant and has no legal rights (as far as I know) over the property.

Unauthorised occupants do not have to be moved into suitable alternative accommodation. Instead they have to apply to be housed through the homeless dept and there is no guarantee that they will be accepted

 

[Spiro]

Legal Aid

Hi Mike

If you're being threatened with eviction you may be entitled to legal aid as this is a problem they can help with.

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/governmentcitizensandrights/gettinglegaladvice/DG_195314

As has already been suggested, please contact the Samaritans and talk to your GP.

 

[mike antony]

Its scary how shattered and tired become on December 20 th my mum woke up unable to walk she fell in bathroom the 2 carers couldn’t lift her I tried and hurt my bad knee again had to call ambulance crew to lift her and put in living room they said she seemed ok over next 10 days couldn’t walk gp gave medicine and came saw her had to be hand fed was drifting away went from chair to bed and back mostly asleep
On new years day complined leg hurt it was hot called ambulance she was ther 6 weeks thought she was going to die ws asleep pretty much whole month

Kept thinking hurt her some how trying to lift her or day b4 when walked up stairs from taxi
She just came out respite she had uti and dvt some infection but maybe spinal or brain problem doctor said why she cant walk felt so guilty place shed been she couldn’t walk went 3 or 4 time week and kept getting her to walk until she could yeah me at home one day bang .
Luckily brain spine ok I hadn’t hurt her but doctors don’t know why not walking
2 weeks later had chance care home really good moved her out hospital not good no interaction or physically movement figured home better

spent most of January febuary watching **** tv and drinking chocalate thinking if hadn’t brought her home for xmas would still able to walk

But in a care home 3 months earlier had fell and been left in her room for 2 days on 3rd day I visited with nurse see if suitable for arricept similar nurse called ambulance just pure chance there that day was in home couldn’t walk but like said I kept going and she started walking again s I lie aying you want cake or go home get up lets go
Probably hadn’t recoverd from first fall

Basically in a fog all that time wracked in guilt fearing shed die then accepting she cant walk at all doesnt even move at night gets bed sores accepted needed a home
2 weeks find a good one she moved in then need to get clothes talk staff about dentures money for haircuts her being catholic her neghbour was there also so all good then

then made call 5th march

been on the edge of hysteria for 5 yrs it never stops

Ok now can see what I did to make my self nearly homeless so far that is
On 5th march called council 7 times over an hour kept being bounced around the system press 1 press 4 presses 6 start again
Trying to explain mum in care home after being in hospital what do I do one of these people instantly suspended her housing benefit and council tax benefit

Next day get 2 letters
First refusing housing benefit on basis living with my mum in her flat and she isn’t charging me rent but I can appeal this have one month
Second letter concerns suspension of hb and council tax being suspended
To stop this must be provided in writing 3 things
1 date hospitalised
2 dates moved into care home
3 if move into care home is a permanent suit ion please confirm date descion was made you (mum) not be returning and forward letter from social worker confirming this
Must provide evidence by 05/05/12 failure to do this may lead to termination of benefit award

So starting pushing social worker to make here permanent at care home
Had to go office pick it up on 05/04/12 from him to deliver on the last date

So basically I got the information super fast to make myself homeless thinking giving the information do the opposite it was time pressure and me miss reading it
Fatally didn’t ask perhaps from Alzheimer’s who always helped me last few years got a new job or the social worker I just pestered him
Didn’t know could took time see if liked home unto 13 weeks housing benefits /council tax continue

I should have stepped back and said what am I doing I was just reacting to this deadline my own fault didn’t talk to anybody and totally misread what I was doing
I thought I was stopping something by permanent whilst really I was doing the opposite

 

[wispa]

For Lupo and Mike

Hi Mike Anthony. We are in a similar boat. My mum was council tenant from either 1962 or 1963. Now she has gone into residential my brother aged 45 with downs is still in the house with his four other siblings caring/staying over night. My middle brother has some money left to him and we enquired about buying the house for my brother. They said would send enquiry to legal team but not to worry, if not possible my brother wouldnt be thrown out. (we need space as we stay on rota basis) / Fast forward. Legal team said no as we dont have POA. They are now trying to push my brother out of his home into some type of assisted living. Managed to get a meeting next friday to decide if he understands responsibility of a tenant. Its all a joke

Hi Mike

Sorry to hijack your thread, but I just wanted to post a note to Lupo - My brother is also Downs and I was told that if he had still been living in my Mums house when she went into care then Social Services could not have evicted him and laid claim to the house....I know it's slightly different as my Mum owned her house, but there must be similar rights in your situation ?

On a different note my brother went to live in a supported living environment almost three years ago, albeit against my Mums wishes....she had dementia at this point and was not doing a very good job of looking after him. But I can only speak of positive things of this environment for him.....he lives in a house with two other 'service users' and the people who look after him and the other two 'gentlemen' (on a rota)are brilliant and his social life is brilliant!

On a seperate note for Mike - you really do need to talk to someone professionally to work on your feelings and you need to take some legal advice from various sources....don't just take the first answer you get and assume it's correct.

You really are not alone in how you feel Mike.....it is especially hard at the moment as everything is very raw.....this illness takes away every ounce of your energy to deal with anything, let alone the stress you are going through.

X

 

[blightygirl]

Hiya Mike

Am so sorry to hear about your situation, there's some real rubbish systems in this country and they make me very angry.. Please dont give up tho, you've already been stronger than most people and faced more than is fair. I hope you can keep going strong Can you talk to friends and family? I hope you get on with the legal stuff ok, and they help fast.
xx

ps - and local paper is a really good idea, power of the press can be quite strong.

 

[TaraT]

I've just read your post Mike and I find it infuriating that you are being treated this way after all you have been through. I once thought this was a caring society, but my rose tinted specs are quickly being removed. Apologies I don't have any experience in this area, but you sound like you have been an amazing son. I hope you get the help you need

Kind wishes
TaraT

 

[mike antony]

thank you tara
jus tdid what we all do
shame only discoverd this site so late
many people experience of caring much worse then mine
my mum could walk and talk for first 4 years and interact
have a lovely day

 

[Sue J]

Dear Mike

So sorry to read of your situation and what you have been through. What councils put people through is horrendous, short-sighted and cause but not solves any problems.

There MUST be someone that can help you - please DO see your GP you are under terrible stress and cannot really make clear decisions and don't reproach yourself for those that you've made whilst caring for your Mum that you feel have led to this, councils should be there to help people in crisis situations not cause them. It is not your fault at all.

This doesn't help you much at all but thinking about you and wishing you strength as you get through this.
Love
Sue

 

[mike antony]

thank you sue

council housing is in dire striaghts they need properties
just warn people not to repeat my situation i spent all of xmas and new year seeing paralysed in living room unable to walk eat for herself and all of january in hospital
seeing her in pain or unconscious and by feburay she recovered i wasnt thinking oh dear put in to care home and i would have no where to live just christ get her out of a hospital into a home where theres interaction

went there today 3 times dellivering tv and dvd player and photos and crazy dust gatherinhing knick knacks with pictures for the wall
the home took to a jubilee cellebration her neighbour of 40 years is there
its a good place and she cant walk so its best place for her ive seen a dozen places in london this is equal first with another in west london the residents meeting today was ok odd tosee how few people turn up

still waiting for notice to quit letter
strange to find the mail scary
im still terified of all calls from the home

 

[nita]

Hi Mike, I'm glad you've got your Mum into a good home. That must make you feel better, that you've done that for her. It's nice that there's someone she knows there too. Also glad you took her TV and her things to make her feel more at home. As you describe it, you and your Mum have been through a terrible time over Christmas and the New Year, with her being hospitalised and then having to go into care. You must be feeling so stressed from that and then with the worry about where you're going to live on top of it. I would add to what Sue said - I think you ought to at least get checked out by your GP.

If the council have made you homeless, aren't you then a priority to be rehoused? I realise it must be a difficult situation in London, with its overcrowding, but they must find you somewhere. What do Shelter advise? I suppose you haven't got any relatives to help or support you?

You sound as if you're being proactive in sorting things out which is good. Hoping it all turns out all right for you - keep posting and let us know how you get on.

Nita

 

[mike antony]

i told my mums social worker my dileema
and said who would check with people if anything can be done and call me yesterday
he didnt but i didnt expect anything fast it took him 4 weeks once to post me a letter
so ive never been his biggest fan but then ive alawys been pushy when comes to my mum

you got to understand london and social housing my neighbours wife died 3 yrs ago
tthe housing officer told him need be out in 4 weeks and hounded the poor guy thought he would have a heart attack he had rumutoid arthirits for last 30 years so got him legal advice turns out the law says partner autmatically succedds they apoligised with flowers
and he had the law on his side probaly theres a bonus system maybe a big incentive systems tha sound innoucous with words like empowerment and community but means
anything is permissable and put nothing in writing if you can stop under occuppying he had a 3 bed place



but thats the women i asked about 2 years ago who made its seems a quite stressful prospect and she made it sound like id have to apply to her in writing it was difficult and would make no difference know different now but hindsight is a wonderful thing

but i always thought she would die here because i promised her this
and had no intention staying here last 5 yrs have been a living nightmare and her death wouldve topped it
but after losing abilty yto walk she couldnt stay although evertime visit try to get her to stand but she cant but doesnt no she cant

 

[Goingitalone]

Hi Mike,

I know you're busy still making sure your mum is happy and settled and it's hard just now putting yourself first. we carers rarely put ourself first. It seems to be how we're made.

Don't wait for the social worker to get back to you. Take whatever paperwork you have as soon as you can to the citizens advice. See if they can make you a legal appointment. Tray and get some time out for yourself to do something you like to do, if it's only an hour. you need time to think, to try to relax a little to get things in perspective. Do see your GP. you need something on record about how you're coping mentally, about how stressed you are. It will all be worth it when you're assessed for housing.

You need people on your side to give you some clout with the authorities and moral support in your situation.

We're all on your side here. Many of us have been in similar situations and we all know the pressure of caring and the toll it takes on one's health. If you have nothing else, perhaps you could print this thread so you have something to show the housing authorities.

All the best, do keep us posted. We're all on your side!!

Maggie

 

[mike antony]

hi

just seen my gp told him of checking out suicide website
fear and guilt mum not walking and being in a care home and facing moving
he was doodling bored
he could write a letter to what effect
thinks should just prepare to leave
45 is too yonug he said
tried it when teenager 45 ancient if you nothing to look foward to but even more stress
never ends
sorry whine whine whine didnt had fellings spent to long repressing them

 

[Sue J]

Hi Mike

Well done on getting to your GP but it seems from what you have written maybe he hasn't understood the extent of how low you feel at the moment. You can go to local mental health services independently of your GP, he doesn''t have to refer you, hopefully they can give you a more thorough assessment.

You mustn't have guilt for your Mum being in a home, it is amazing you have cared for her so long, given how poorly she obviously is.

Hold on there, you've been through a lot and you can get through this too.
Take care, best wishes
Sue

 

[frazzled1]

hi there,

I can totally understand how you feel, that you feel you have lost everything and feel that nothing can get better....but it can and it will for you. Others on here can give you practical/legal pointers which i cannot do because i dont know really, but just as important are the doctors/social services, everyone really, recognising that you need just as much emotional support as that of the one you love and care for. your post made me cry so much. Since becoming a carer, I often weight train...not something you would expect an older woman to do...but you know what...not only is my physical body changing but my mental state is in a better place, it is really energizing me and in a way i never thought possible and clears my head of all oppressive thoughts. The exercise is called "kettlebells" and can be done within a very small space..anyway, in better weather, in the park would be a great idea....doing something very physically intense like this would rid your head of this terrible emotional intensity/burden. Many carers feel very very sad when they think of their own careers/aspirations dissolving before their eyes in a tidal wave of caring. Start a ring binder file and when the mood takes you, write down little projects of all the favourite things you can think of that you would do if/when you have the chance and the free time and then when you feel better, maybe you can turn one of your hobbies into a self employment in some way or an internship or something will lead down a path of hope for you for happiness in life. This ring binder "full of happy dreams" represents placing a huge importance on your personal happiness .....its never too late to apply/train for a job you enjoy, never too late to employ yourself, never too late to try a new rewarding hobby and never too late to meet someone special.

 

[mike antony]

got my notice to quit

the unauthorised occupant
leave by 21/5/2012
upon expiry of the notice to quit the council has no intention of creating a tenancy with you ......................it goes on
im finding this site therapeutic
so cant get housing benefit on basis my mum is here ?or im a squatter
but have been paying since 5/3/12
descion mum made permannt in care home made 27/3/12
but was backdated 15/3/12
im became unathorised occupant 5/3/12 so paying £117.00 some charge since day spent over an hour being bounced around council phone system system

so lesson learned do a deed of assignment years b4 even if you promise your mum she will die at home something can happen ie not walking and becomes impossible
bang you got to go
game over
on the bright side easy to give stuff away neighbour wants 2 beds and some other stuff

 

[mike antony]

hi

been to council acted if i was a moron im not getting it
there is nothing to say i casn go housing register like anybody else
im not priority or anything tenency ended with my mum and thats it
awful trying figure what to give away ,throw away ,what to store
what to do before go and where to go

 

[Sue J]

Hi Mike

Sorry this is happening to you. Have you been to CAB for advice, never mind what the council keep telling you - it is truly terrible how you are being treated. CAB may be able to support you in your next step.

It is also so difficult to have to get rid of things when you're feeling as you are. I do hope you can get some decent help and support.

Take care, best wishes
Sue

 

[Spiro]

Hi Mike

Sorry to read you have been given notice to quit.

Have you looked at the Community Legal Advice website? You can do a postcode search for specialist legal advisers.

http://legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do

See telephone number below. You can arrange for them to call you back.

0845 345 4 345 Mon - Fri 9am - 8:00pm and Sat 9am - 12:30pm

In addition, go and see your MP.

Right now you need all the support you can get.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[PamD]

Mike, I've just read your horror story. My heart goes out to you. Please contact your MP and/or your local councillors, and your local Carers Group. Local branch of Alzheimers Society should also be able to help or at least point you in the direction of help.

This seems to epitomise the raw deal given to carers: give up your own home and life to care for someone you love, and end up homeless. Your MP should be taking this up, but your councillors are perhaps more likely to be able to get the housing department to see reason.

Try to be kind to yourself too: if the sun shines, find an hour to walk in the park and admire the blossoms or feed the ducks. Fresh air and sunshine really do help a little. Good luck.