Our neighbour has threatened to report us to social services -will they take mum away

[laineyb]

There are also comments on this site from people who are more concerned with protecting their potential `inheritance` than protecting the health and safety of vulnerable adults who are at risk .

We (as a family i am one of four sisters) and i see to day to day welfare of my mum whos in a home and my eldest sister deals with the financial aspect, we
went through the COP which although takes a long time to get it sorted is a huge relief to me as i know that mum is safe and if she needs stuff i can get it for her, since we have COP it is much easier to speak to health professionals about mother and deal with any issues arising!!
Laineyb

 

[TaraT]

Thanks again for all your replies. Florence, your situation sounds exactly the same as mine. My appointment with the AS is on Thursday so I'll discuss mum with them and then ask the SW for an assessment. Tre and Witzend, I do understand that there is another side to this with the neighbours and I know that some people have some great ones, however I am experiencing the curtain twitching that Florence also had. Celia noticed my car in the drive yesterday and invited me in. The gas man had already been so I gave her an update. She said that all the neighbours go to her and have been asking about when she was going to talk to us about putting mum in a home. I was very pleasant with her, however she said she felt bad as it was as if she was "chief executioner" and that me and my brother had been brain washed my my dad, who always said he wouldn't put her in a home. Dad died 4years ago -we don't want to put her in a home because we love her and want to do as much as we can for her. It shows how long she has been pushing for mum to go in a home.

Tobermory, I was made redundant 2 weeks ago so it means I can care for mum during the day time at the moment. My brother then comes home in the evening. I do think she is getting more confused though as she kept saying yesterday that she wanted to go home when she was sitting in her own sitting room, i'm now even more scared than ever. It's the doctors tomorrow for a urine test so I'll see what happens there.

Sorry to go on about my problems when others are having a worse time, I cant sleep and keep crying. Mum did everything for us growing up, I just wish we could have her back

 

[mike antony]

been there done that

hi
can get corgi guy for £70 put switch on gas fire
buy microwave
get carers through coouncil come round do food company
get assesmnet of her needs people come round help
if she can still walk thats fantasic can havew people help shopping and stuff
care home is last
im sure just reapeating others have said
demntia is frighting specailly its a contemporay you known for yrs

 

[TaraT]

Hi Mike, thanks for your reply. I've got an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and will discuss all options. I've noted down your suggestions too. Looking back we probably should have asked for help sooner. Dad died 4yrs ago and I feel like we have been winging it and living on borrowed time ever since. It's the feelings of pure fear, guilt and love for my mum which i just can't snap out of. Yesterday I was filling n the POA stuff and as she was signing her name her big eyes looked at me through her glasses and she said "is there something wrong with me". I was so choked I could hardly answer, then she felt bad because she thought she had upset me. Can't someone just being our loved ones back to us.....

 

[Chemmy]

Can't someone just bring our loved ones back to us.....

You've mentioned this in your last couple of posts and unfortunately, the answer is no, they can't, and this is why you're going through what is in effect a grieving process for your mum. Sorry, I hope that doesn't sound too unkind. (((HUG)))

You will get through this, so have a good cry and in time you will come to accept things as they are, not as they were, and then you may find some peace.

I went through an angry stage when my dad died in rather tragic circumstances and it wasn't until a friend explained that feeling angry was a natural part of the grieving process that I realised it wasn't that I wasn't coping - what I was feeling was normal and I was then better able to deal with it and move on.

 

[nicoise]

Hi Tara,

Don't beat yourself up for not having a crystal ball, or for now seeing things with the benefit of hindsight.

It is all so obvious later on as we look backwards - and so easy to forget what the circumstances were at the time.

You are dealing with the situation as it unfolds, and doing your best along the way. For most of us it is a "crisis" situation that forces a new way of thinking or doing things. You have met this latest challenge head on, and taking steps to sort things out to continue to take the best care of your mum as you have been.

Keep up the good work - and look after yourself!

 

[Chemmy]

Despite all this, once I was in touch with them they continued and in fact upped their level of support until we got mum and dad back where we could support them.

I think families need to understand that many neighbours are happy to lend a hand on an occasional basis or in a crisis but are rightly very wary of unwittingly ending up as unofficial part-time carers. That's a extremely difficult situation to extract yourself from and the problem is that a offer of a little help in the early stages can easily turn into something that's becomes increasingly relied upon.

 

[Witzend]

I think families need to understand that many neighbours are happy to lend a hand on an occasional basis or in a crisis but are rightly very wary of unwittingly ending up as unofficial part-time carers. That's a extremely difficult situation to extract yourself from and the problem is that a offer of a little help in the early stages can easily turn into something that's becomes increasingly relied upon.

This is so very true and can apply regardless of dementia. OH's old aunt relied increasingly on friends and neighbours, wouldn't have the carers we tried to arrange, hated paying for them, though could well afford to. It got to the stage where she was ringing a friend who lived 20 mins drive away, asking her to come and fill her hot water bottles! And was offended when she said sorry, she couldn't this time. Wouldn't use the electric blanket we provided. She was constantly calling out to people living in the same small block - mostly also elderly and in various stages of frailty. Latterly I was getting apologetic but distressed calls to say they couldn't cope any more.

Yet when she was younger and fit I recall her often saying of someone older who needed help, 'I'll do it once, but I'm not getting involved.'

It can be so very difficult, especially when someone is stubbornly refusing the help you try to arrange, and I do think neighbours who rally round a lot deserve gold medals.
Equally I don't think they should ever be expected to, except on an occasional basis, in the way you'd help any neighbour now and then.

 

[jeany123]

I think families need to understand that many neighbours are happy to lend a hand on an occasional basis or in a crisis but are rightly very wary of unwittingly ending up as unofficial part-time carers. That's a extremely difficult situation to extract yourself from and the problem is that a offer of a little help in the early stages can easily turn into something that's becomes increasingly relied upon.

This is true when the children were small I once offered to get my elderly neighbour some shopping when she was ill , she asked me every time I went out after that , (this was before the times of big supermarkets ) and the list used to say pies from one shop meat from another a make of something that you could just get at a shop at the other end of the village, bread just from a special bakers and her tablets from the chemist I used to spend all morning going to the different shops instead of just getting shopping at the shop that I used to use and if ever they didn't have something she was never happy with what I got instead I am sorry to say I wished that I hadn't asked in the first place

 

[nicoise]

My "invisible" sibling seemed to think it was ok to ask neighbours etc to help out rather than bother to make the journey herself; she couldn't see the problems it was causing.... but a great way to get out of doing it yourself. On the odd occasion yes, as a way of dealing with it regularly rather than having to sort it out, pay someone, do it yourself - not good to my way of thinking.

And to think it was ok for the confused old lady to be returned to her empty house after rehab ward stay via ambulance rather than take time out to collect her, take her home and stay with her - its still making me GRRRR!

I think families need to understand that many neighbours are happy to lend a hand on an occasional basis or in a crisis but are rightly very wary of unwittingly ending up as unofficial part-time carers. That's a extremely difficult situation to extract yourself from and the problem is that a offer of a little help in the early stages can easily turn into something that's becomes increasingly relied upon.

 

[Chemmy]

This is so very true and can apply regardless of dementia. OH's old aunt relied increasingly on friends and neighbours, wouldn't have the carers we tried to arrange, hated paying for them, though could well afford to.

As you say, a lot of issues are old age, not dementia-related. My elderly neighbours have just moved house and I've been there this morning. The above could be an accurate description of them. She has to get her husband to hospital this afternoon and is moaning about the parking/ getting a wheelchair etc. I've suggested a taxi - "but it's EIGHT POUNDS..EACH WAY"

The house is full of antiques and they're loaded, but she resents spending any money on help, even though she knows my 'inheritance' is happily been spent on my mum's care.

Part of me feels obliged to offer to act as chauffeur, but my sensible heads says I'd be stupid, as I know I'd be setting a precedent. I've escorted her for a couple of appointments earlier this year whilst the family were on holiday and took her into visit her husband several times when he was in hospital as well, but they have a son and daughter on the doorstep who need to step up to the plate and sort it out....although I can just hear them saying "Get a ****** taxi" too

 

[tobermory]

Thanks again for all your replies. Florence, your situation sounds exactly the same as mine. My appointment with the AS is on Thursday so I'll discuss mum with them and then ask the SW for an assessment. Tre and Witzend, I do understand that there is another side to this with the neighbours and I know that some people have some great ones, however I am experiencing the curtain twitching that Florence also had. Celia noticed my car in the drive yesterday and invited me in. The gas man had already been so I gave her an update. She said that all the neighbours go to her and have been asking about when she was going to talk to us about putting mum in a home. I was very pleasant with her, however she said she felt bad as it was as if she was "chief executioner" and that me and my brother had been brain washed my my dad, who always said he wouldn't put her in a home. Dad died 4years ago -we don't want to put her in a home because we love her and want to do as much as we can for her. It shows how long she has been pushing for mum to go in a home.

Tobermory, I was made redundant 2 weeks ago so it means I can care for mum during the day time at the moment. My brother then comes home in the evening. I do think she is getting more confused though as she kept saying yesterday that she wanted to go home when she was sitting in her own sitting room, i'm now even more scared than ever. It's the doctors tomorrow for a urine test so I'll see what happens there.

Sorry to go on about my problems when others are having a worse time, I cant sleep and keep crying. Mum did everything for us growing up, I just wish we could have her back

Hi Tara, I was also made redundant but 3 yrs ago and have been since caring for mum. You will go through many emotions, guilt, upset, anger etc. The reality is you have to now take control of the situation with your brother. It's a toughie - The role reversal thing. I have to be matter of a fact about it now that i've had time to deal with it - it's the only way - you will deal with it in your own way in good time. Good luck and do not hesitate to ask anything. Best wishes.

 

[Witzend]

This is true when the children were small I once offered to get my elderly neighbour some shopping when she was ill , she asked me every time I went out after that , (this was before the times of big supermarkets ) and the list used to say pies from one shop meat from another a make of something that you could just get at a shop at the other end of the village, bread just from a special bakers and her tablets from the chemist I used to spend all morning going to the different shops instead of just getting shopping at the shop that I used to use and if ever they didn't have something she was never happy with what I got instead I am sorry to say I wished that I hadn't asked in the first place

Lord, this sounds just like the old aunt - expected her cleaning lady to pick up her shopping (without being paid extra) - all different shops for this and that, and then it was WHY DIDN'T YOU GET THE BUTTER AT THE CO-OP, IT'S 2P CHEAPER??? etc. And she had plenty of cash - just as tight as you like - I used to call her Queen Midas.
That poor cleaning lady was so long suffering for years - did so much way beyond the call of duty - and when Queen Midas finally died and hadn't left her a penny in her will (she'd have taken it all with her if she could) OH and his brothers made a deed of variation and gave her a nice fat cheque. If anyone ever deserved it, she certainly did.

 

[Onlyme]

and when Queen Midas finally died and hadn't left her a penny in her will (she'd have taken it all with her if she could) OH and his brothers made a deed of variation and gave her a nice fat cheque. If anyone ever deserved it, she certainly did.

What a lovely thing to do, well done Witzend's OH and BILs. I wish everyone had a family like that.

 

[florence43]

Dear Tara,

It's heart-breaking to hear the sadness in your words. Trying to sort out the practical stuff, whilst wrestling with the shock, fear and sadness in slowly losing your mum. We all get more defensive, in order to protect our loved-one, when other people have opinions that conflict with ours, so there may be a small element of that too, in your current situation.

But you really do take me back...and it's to a place where I was uneducated and unaware, scared and so, so sad. But then I found TP. This forum will guide you through every step you need to take, and I didn't know about it until much further down the line.

When the gas was an issue for my mum, we simply had it capped. She used a microwave in the meantime, but we arranged meals on wheels, and carers came in to make cereal for breakfast and sandwiches for tea. A risk assessment was done on the house, by social services, and everything was completely geared around mum, and keeping her safe. At this point, my mum had moderate dementia but my dad was paralyzed from a stroke and stuck in a hospital bed in the living room. They lived with each other and had support from a care agency. This carried on for 2 years until dad died in 2009. There was nobody else living with them and my sister and I lived an hour away. It was a hellish situation for mum and dad, but they did it, and it was what they wanted...to be together, however hard that was. Your mum has your brother and you...and there's more help available.

My mum deteriorated after losing dad, but got to spend a further 8 months in her own home, with support from social services. She had a sudden downturn in 2010, and needed 24 hour nursing...almost over night. Then the decision was made. We couldn't provide nursing care at the house, and we needed her health to take priority.

But in the years leading up to this point, we had neighbors believing she should have been in a home much sooner. They were quite happy to tell us so....They were wrong. She was happy, safe and familiar in her home of 38 years, and as long as your mum is safe, has support and is of littlenor no bother to the neighbors or their own safety...I don't see it's any of their business.

Best of luck tomorrow. I wish I could tell you not to worry too much. If I could have fast-forwarded my life from the point you're now at, I would have seen that there is support out there, and I didn't have to do it all alone; I would have seen all the laughs my mum and I still had; I would have felt empowered by the voice I had to have on mum's behalf and I would have ignored people who didn't understand, and put all my spare energy into enjoying any precious moments.

You'll be ok.... Please feel free to PM me anytime, xxx

 

[TaraT]

Thanks for your help and thanks Annie, you have been a tower of strength. I took your advice about enjoying the present and took mum to a safari park. She laughed and yelled as a lion stalked our car, it was priceless. I have been to the AS and I'm just waiting for the SW to make an appointment to get more help. I may PM you going forward if you don't mind

Thanks again everyone

Tara

 

[Witzend]

As you say, a lot of issues are old age, not dementia-related. My elderly neighbours have just moved house and I've been there this morning. The above could be an accurate description of them. She has to get her husband to hospital this afternoon and is moaning about the parking/ getting a wheelchair etc. I've suggested a taxi - "but it's EIGHT POUNDS..EACH WAY"

The house is full of antiques and they're loaded, but she resents spending any money on help, even though she knows my 'inheritance' is happily been spent on my mum's care.

Part of me feels obliged to offer to act as chauffeur, but my sensible heads says I'd be stupid, as I know I'd be setting a precedent. I've escorted her for a couple of appointments earlier this year whilst the family were on holiday and took her into visit her husband several times when he was in hospital as well, but they have a son and daughter on the doorstep who need to step up to the plate and sort it out....although I can just hear them saying "Get a ****** taxi" too

I bet this is pretty common - expecting lifts for free. For several years I volunteered for a local org. that gave lifts to (mostly) elderly with mobility probs. going to hospital/ dentist appts., etc. Most of them really were poor old things with very little money (still trying to give me petrol money, bless them) but now and again there was someone very well and expensively dressed, expensive house, who'd point out restaurants on the way - 'Oh, my husband and I like that one, ' etc.
The people who ran the org. were the over-nice, hand-wringing types who'd never dream of bluntly saying, 'Sorry, but this service is for people who can't afford alternatives.' ('We mustn't judge, must we?') In the end I just had to say, 'Sorry, I'm not taking him/her again, so please don't ask.'

 

[Chemmy]

I bet this is pretty common - expecting lifts for free. For several years I volunteered for a local org. that gave lifts to (mostly) elderly with mobility probs. going to hospital/ dentist appts., etc. Most of them really were poor old things with very little money (still trying to give me petrol money, bless them) but now and again there was someone very well and expensively dressed, expensive house, who'd point out restaurants on the way - 'Oh, my husband and I like that one, ' etc.
The people who ran the org. were the over-nice, hand-wringing types who'd never dream of bluntly saying, 'Sorry, but this service is for people who can't afford alternatives.' ('We mustn't judge, must we?') In the end I just had to say, 'Sorry, I'm not taking him/her again, so please don't ask.'

I don't actually mind taking my neighbours anywhere for free, but she refused to see that actually the taxi was a much more sensible option with a male driver and big wide doors. I'm not physically built to get her 20 stone husband in and out of my car let alone push him in a wheelchair any more than she is. And I can't park right outside the door like the taxi could either. There are usually solutions to practical issues like these but those involved need to be prepared to try them

 

[Christin]

Hi Chemmy, I just wondered if there is a voluntary car scheme in your area. Your neighbours would probably pay mileage, and parking, but it can be cheaper than a taxi.

 

[Chemmy]

Trust me, they can afford the taxi More a case of short arms, deep pockets syndrome.