I'm really struggling today

[Delphie]

I feel so down.

My mum has hated my husband for some time now, for no reason she can articulate. He's never done anything bad to her and in fact has given her loads of help over the years. She's started to view my sons with the same dislike a little while ago too, which is a huge shame. I try to explain to them that it's the illness and my husband is quite understanding and takes it in his stride. The boys find it harder. Anyway, what all this means is that it's impossible to include her in our family times. The funny thing is that she doesn't want to be with us because of 'him' and 'them who are just like their father', yet she resents not being included so I get lots of anger from her about not being invited to my house.

The conversations are farcical. She'll say that I never have time for her and only care about my family (of which she clearly doesn't consider herself a part of) and how come she never gets invited to my house, I tell her that she's welcome any time, and she starts ranting about why would she want to be in the same room as 'him' and 'them etc'. Between drawing breath she'll decide that I only care about my family and off we go again, on a loop that continues until I manage to change the subject.

Mum doesn't know it's Easter and as I'm not feeling very well I decided to stay put. Obviously she couldn't/wouldn't come here, but normally for these special times I'd try to get up early and see her at her house.

Instead I called this evening only to be told yet again that she's had enough of me messing her about. This seems to be about the dentist. She needs to go and wouldn't allow me to make an appointment for her, as she's absolutely fine so no need for me to try and take over (yes, because I don't have enough going on in my own life). So we've just been through a period of time of her trying to sort it out but all the dentists have closed, the one she used to go to has moved (not true), she did find one but when she went back they'd gone, she went to another one but they didn't like her so messed her about etc. So I said how about we go to our usual one together. She agreed, we went. She didn't want to make an appointment there and then because she wasn't sure she wants to see a dentist (having just talked about nothing but wanting to see one for days and days on end). Fine.

Repeat the above until we get to a point where she actually finds her usual dentist again and makes an appointment. They call me to tell me when it is, in the hope that we'll actually get her there on the day.

Since then she's had no memory of making the appointment and has been repeatedly going through the above process of looking for a dentist and has been getting very upset with me when I explain that she's made an appointment at her usual place. What usual place? Why do you know my business? she rants.

I honestly don't know what to do for the best with her. I feel like I've reached a saturation point. Even our precious holiday times, like today, are ruined by the guilt I can't shake off and by the frustrations of the whole situation. So while I'm not a full time carer, my mum's Alzheimer's is consuming me all the same. I can't shake off that we've just talked and she's accused me of all sorts (I never see her but I've managed to steal some money from her bag - clever me!) and my brain feels scrambled from trying to make her feel better. And I failed anyway.

I'm feeling very sorry for myself, and I don't like who I'm becoming. We get very little time together as a family and today should be a lovely time for us. Instead I've spent the day feeling guilty and worrying and this evening having a cry. I need to rally and cook a family meal now, normally a pleasure but tonight a chore because I just want to crawl into bed and stay there until life stops being so ****.

Sorry for the long rant.

 

[annebythesea]

Hi Delphie, I'm so sorry you're having an awful day. My stepmum also took against my husband and has been quite horrible to my boys, I guess I am lucky that we live far away and just had a difficult visit over Christmas, but have had to take the decision that we can't have her to stay again (hoping that she would not want to come again so I don't have to tell my Dad).
I don't have any pearls of wisdom to help but hope it made you feel less awful getting it out of your system. There obviously isn't an answer as far as your Mum is concerned. Someone said on another thread 'she seems to need an emtional punching bag and that's me'. Seems like the same is true of your Mum and you. I think it's often the ones we trust that we lash out at when in fear, in the same way that children usually behave worse for their parents that for other carers.
Hope your evening gets better and you enjoy your meal when you have the energy (assuming someone has not stepped in and cooked it for you).
Anne

 

[robertjohnmills]

Hi there Delphie,

What can I say. You are a real star for managing your Mother at all, but you are not Superwoman with special powers to achieve the impossible. I know what it like to care for someone who is just impossible but we manage. I think you just have to reassure your boys that your Mum is not espousing a personal vendetta, it is the illness.

I think you are more than entitled to have a rant, maybe even get hubby (or the boys if old enough) to cook you the evening meal.

As for your Mum, sadly the emotional damage is too great and it sounds as though it is better she does stay away with only occasional and well organised visits.

Take care

 

[Goingitalone]

Hi Delphie,
I feel so sad for you. It's not an easy situation but it is one that many of us have had to deal with. My Mum used to hate my husband, too, and she took against my little granddaughter, calling her a 'fat cow' when she was only six. It made taking Mum out with the family really difficult.

Strangely, she is fine with my hubby now, never says anything nasty to granddaughter but is less friendly to her, I'm guessing because the little one is nervous around her so doesn't immediately smile at her Grannie in case she gets shouted at.

But generally Mum has mellowed into a gentle little lady who has a ready smile for almost everyone.

I hope that gives you a little bit of hope for the future. Things just may improve a little.

I know you're not your Mum's full-time carer but that doesn't mean you don't feel responsible for her to a degree and because you love her of course her words will hurt you.

It's easy to say but it's the ILLNESS that makes our relatives this way, so please don't take all she says to heart.

I hope things improve for you soon, but in the meantime I hope the fact that you aren't alone does help a little.

Big hugs,

Maggie

 

[Delphie]

Hi Delphie, I'm so sorry you're having an awful day. My stepmum also took against my husband and has been quite horrible to my boys, I guess I am lucky that we live far away and just had a difficult visit over Christmas, but have had to take the decision that we can't have her to stay again (hoping that she would not want to come again so I don't have to tell my Dad).
I don't have any pearls of wisdom to help but hope it made you feel less awful getting it out of your system. There obviously isn't an answer as far as your Mum is concerned. Someone said on another thread 'she seems to need an emtional punching bag and that's me'. Seems like the same is true of your Mum and you. I think it's often the ones we trust that we lash out at when in fear, in the same way that children usually behave worse for their parents that for other carers.
Hope your evening gets better and you enjoy your meal when you have the energy (assuming someone has not stepped in and cooked it for you).
Anne

That was me. It's really been a bad day and all kinds of emotional things seem to be floating up to the surface, some that I buried a long time ago. Or thought I did.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I feel better - honestly - after reading the responses. All my boys have rallied round too and we're going to have a very late supper and I'm not cooking most of it.

 

[Chemmy]

I think I would have drawn the line if my mum had made personal insults to my children. Protecting them and their childhood would be my priority. Sorry if that sounds harsh. You can still be a carer by ensuring a care package is in place, whether the person being cared for likes it or not.

Fulfil your duty/obligations but do not inflict this disease on your children too.

 

[Delphie]

I think I would have drawn the line if my mum had made personal insults to my children. Protecting them and their childhood would be my priority. Sorry if that sounds harsh. You can still be a carer by ensuring a care package is in place, whether the person being cared for likes it or not.

Fulfil your duty/obligations but do not inflict this disease on your children too.

Yes, I lean towards that way of thinking too, although some people say to try and maintain the relationship.

It's been a very gradual thing. At first mum was fine with them but started to be really horrible to me in their presence, which they found upsetting. After that she started being confused as to who they are. They're teenagers and she thought one of them was my husband at times and would say the odd hurtful thing. Now, well, she doesn't have a good word to say about either the boys or their dad, and they don't want to see her, so I'm not pushing it. Maybe as the disease progresses she'll mellow.

I'm holding on for now because she still has periods of being ok with me, although it feels like they're getting shorter and that most of our conversations are some kind of attack, or blaming, or accusing.

Her world must be incredibly frustrating as things are clearly not making sense. She says so herself, only what's missing is that next logical step that would connect all her difficulties to her. But no, in her confused version of reality someone else is always to blame, however impossible or unlikely it would be. So I understand where at least some of the anger is coming from and that she probably can't help at least a proportion of it.

It's just hard, really hard sometimes, to keep taking it. This forum helps so much.