An Alcoholic with dementia

vaz

Registered User
Mar 23, 2012
25
0
My dad is an alcoholic and he seems to have developed dementia since my mother had a stroke. Has anyone else had experience with this. My mum is paralysed down one side but he doesn't seem to understand and expects her to do things for him. He appears to be becoming more aggressive verbally (swears alot). It is hard to get help for him because he cannot be properly diagnosed because of his drinking.
 

Heather777

Registered User
Jul 24, 2008
267
0
Bristol
Hi Vaz-I can relate totally with this post. My mum was diagnosed with a terminal illness in 2005, she then developed dementia in 2007. My dad was an alcoholic and never had much patience but we did notice that he was more and more verbally aggressive to my mum. WE blamed it on his drinking. Then in 2008 he was diagnosed by mums mental health consultant with sub cortical dementia-caused by alcohol. He had suddenly stopped drinking in May of that year-he had fallen over had fractured his scapula very badly. My mum died in 2009 and he went down hill fast once he was diagnosed. He was sectioned and we realised that he was ill for a while but his behaviour was hard to differentiate from his drinking. His demented behaviour was aggression, violence and swearing so no change in his behaviour.

His behaviour caused us no end of issues as he went into a variety of care homes and he was failed badly due to this. He died at the beginning of this month.

Im not sure what I can say but nag your gp as they can still diagnose and you deserve to know what you are dealing with. It is bad enough having to care for someone with this terrible illness but very hard caring from someone who might not have been a very good parent.

Heather
 

vaz

Registered User
Mar 23, 2012
25
0
My dad is an alcoholic and he seems to have developed dementia since my mother had a stroke. Has anyone else had experience with this. My mum is paralysed down one side but he doesn't seem to understand and expects her to do things for him. He appears to be becoming more aggressive verbally (swears alot). It is hard to get help for him because he cannot be properly diagnosed because of his drinking.
Thanks for replying. The Doctor thinks he has Dementia and he has had a scan but said can only receive medication for dementia if he comes off alcohol (which isn't going to happen.
I try to visit my parents every day to help because my mum has a disability since the stroke. She always talks about my dad and is concerned about him. I don't think my mum would ever agree to him going into a care home because she worries about how he will be treated. He rarely eats just drinks and smokes. We try to persuade him to eat by offering him different foods but he usually shouts at us when we try. His room is dirty and I try to clean it but he gets angry if he notices. He refuses to wash and change his clothes. We are worried he will die of starvation but do not know what we can do for him. He thinks he is still working and I see him looking outside for his car. (he has not worked or had a car for years
I am also concerned for my mums safety and health. She has limited mobility so can't deal with his behaviour.

I am not sure what help would be available even if he is diagnosed.
 

bemused1

Registered User
Mar 4, 2012
3,402
0
Thanks for replying. The Doctor thinks he has Dementia and he has had a scan but said can only receive medication for dementia if he comes off alcohol (which isn't going to happen.
I try to visit my parents every day to help because my mum has a disability since the stroke. She always talks about my dad and is concerned about him. I don't think my mum would ever agree to him going into a care home because she worries about how he will be treated. He rarely eats just drinks and smokes. We try to persuade him to eat by offering him different foods but he usually shouts at us when we try. His room is dirty and I try to clean it but he gets angry if he notices. He refuses to wash and change his clothes. We are worried he will die of starvation but do not know what we can do for him. He thinks he is still working and I see him looking outside for his car. (he has not worked or had a car for years
I am also concerned for my mums safety and health. She has limited mobility so can't deal with his behaviour.

I am not sure what help would be available even if he is diagnosed.

I have a pretty similar problem in that my oh is an alcoholic and now has short term memory loss. He is not and never has been violent or aggresive and his behaviour is very different in that he seems to wnat to hold on to the good things in life. Early days so far.
Our doctor wouldn't even express an opinion other than to say well maybe he has an alcoholic dementia. Other than that all I hear is you have to wait until there is a crisis.I too fer that if he is forced into a home of any kind he will not receive the care he needs because he has severe physical problems.

Its a really hard situation to deal with and it seems that you have every right to do any harm you like to yourself but your rights remain intact, but the carers have no rights at all.

I am seeing a counsellor, see if you can talk your gp into giving you access to counselling. It doesn't make the problems go away but it can helpyou to become betterable to cope with them.

You are not alone, pm me if you like, believe me I know what its like dealing with the demeon drink.
 

marsaday

Registered User
Mar 2, 2012
541
0
My Dad's an alcoholic and Mum's got dementia

Hi Vaz,
My Dad has been an alcoholic for over 30 years. He has always been verbally aggressive. Like yours he never washes and rarely changes clothes. He looks and smells like a homeless person. We have my Mum to 'thank' for allowing him to live under the same roof all these years. Now she is the one with dementia and he still verbally abuses her. Then if we turn up he denies it. I sometimes wonder if he has some sort of memory problems due to the years of drinking.
He has curtailed his drinking a bit lately due to his own failing health-he can just about get out of the chair and shuffle to the kitchen and back. He can get a taxi to the shop for his cigs and drink-I have refused to bring alcohol and he knows better than to ask, but I deliver food and cigs and try to clean up as the house is so embarrassing when the carer arrives.All this as well as looking after mother who has no comprehension of what we are doing to try and suppport them.
It is hard enough dealing with dementia never mind alcohol too. And then there are the resentments from childhood simmering away under the surface.
My attitude is I'll help while I can but if I get the chance to leave the country I'll do it and SS can do what they like with them. I blame my mother too for staying in that situation.
I have devoted over 40 years of my life to being a good daughter and there are limits.
I agree though there seems to be little anyone can do for you when alcohol is involved. My Mum has now started drinking too and can't be left for 5 minutes in case she sneaks off to the shop to get some whiskey.
We need a group of our own called 'Adult children of Alcoholics with Dementia'
Try to stay sane!
 

vaz

Registered User
Mar 23, 2012
25
0
I totally understand what you mean about moving to another country and leaving it to SS to deal with.

I left home at the age of about 30 and my mum made me feel guilty because she had to deal with his alchoholism on her own (before stroke and dementia set in). I would visit it regularly even then but I could get away whenever he was abusive. Although I felt guilty I made the decision with the view that it is her choice to stay with him. But now I go nearly everyday and my conscious does not allow we to run away so I have to put up with it. I know at the end of the day I will have done what I should have done for them even though I don't think they made decisions that put us first.
 

marsaday

Registered User
Mar 2, 2012
541
0
Yes i know all about the guilt. I've listened to 'Poor me' from Mum all my life.
On a bad day I sometimes think I'm having a nervous breakdown as the pent up emotions of all these years threaten to overflow. But if that happened someone else would have to step in. So we really need to look after ourselves and try to emotionally detach, especially from mothers who have relied on us too much and already had more than their fair share of support.
Try to plan something nice for yourself for the future. Go on holiday. Have a dream for the future. Have you any siblings to help? If so ring them and say you are going and that's that. Take turns with them and if they won't support you let SS know you can only do so much and that your mum is a vulnerable adult-they are obliged to help.
I'm the only surviving daughter in our family and most of it falls to me but I do have one brother who is very helpful and another who needs a kick up the ****.
 

Heather777

Registered User
Jul 24, 2008
267
0
Bristol
Vaz and Marsaday, You are both survivours and you will survive this! I know all about the anger and the guilt with both my mum and dad. But I also know that I did more than he deserved at the end and I can lay some ghosts to rest. You need to do what you need to do in order to survive, but life is more than just surviving! x
 

vaz

Registered User
Mar 23, 2012
25
0
It turns out that he probably never had dementia but cancer of the brain. He had an MRI scan a few months before but nothing showed up. When he was diagnosed, it was too late. He has since died.
 

marsaday

Registered User
Mar 2, 2012
541
0
Sorry to hear Vaz- I'm sure, even though the circumstances have been difficult, you have mixed emotions at this time. Was this recent? Your original post was nearly a year ago. A lot has changed with me since then- Mum now in care but Dad same as ever.
 

vaz

Registered User
Mar 23, 2012
25
0
Sorry to hear Vaz- I'm sure, even though the circumstances have been difficult, you have mixed emotions at this time. Was this recent? Your original post was nearly a year ago. A lot has changed with me since then- Mum now in care but Dad same as ever.

One evening in August he went out to buy alcohol and cigarettes and he was missing for hours (normally goes out for max 20 min). I phoned the police and the police found him and brought him home. Next day he went out again and this time fell and injured himself and was taken to hospital. They were going to discharge him but he had a broken wrist and was finding it difficult to walk. He detoxed while in hospital but be had trouble walking so they kept him in for further tests. Five weeks later they discovered he had lung cancer and secondary cancer of the brain and had weeks to live.

We had the option of having him sent home or going to nursing home, but because he was now able to walk we could not have him sent home because we knew he would attempt to go and and buy alcohol as soon as he came home and would probably get lost again.

He stayed in a nursing home (very confused state most of the time) Brought my mum to visit everyday. We were with him when he took last breath. He died in December.

The thing I found strange was he had an MRI scan because we thought he had dementia and the tumours did not show on the scan.

Mums memory is getting worse and she has naturally struggled with his death. Even though a person is hard to live with, it is still hard when they pass away.
 

marsaday

Registered User
Mar 2, 2012
541
0
How hard it must have been for you to take your Mum to visit him. Did they have a good relationship? Before dementia?
 

vaz

Registered User
Mar 23, 2012
25
0
It was hard to visit him. He would ask us to take him home and ask us to help him get better. He knew he was ill but did not understand most of the time what was wrong with him. He was sober and sometimes we could chat with him. He ate well to begin with (until he started having trouble swallowing.

It is hard to explain my parents relationship. They were very attached to each other but because of all his problems there was so many conflicts over the years. I used to think when I was younger if they separated they would probably be better off but they could not live without each other.

My mum talks about him all the time, she has lost her focus in life which was to worry about him. Her short term memory and mobility is getting worse which makes it hard for her to get over his death because she is not free to go out like she used to before her stroke.

How are you coping.
 

marsaday

Registered User
Mar 2, 2012
541
0
Not well. I never dreamt at my age (40's) that he would still be alive and having such an effect on me-anger and sadness about the past. Mum not settling well either in her new home. Dread each day. Can't go into more details atm - it's all too much. Tks for asking though!
 

vaz

Registered User
Mar 23, 2012
25
0
Not well. I never dreamt at my age (40's) that he would still be alive and having such an effect on me-anger and sadness about the past. Mum not settling well either in her new home. Dread each day. Can't go into more details atm - it's all too much. Tks for asking though!


I am sorry you are going through such a hard time at the moment. At times, I have sometimes felt no point talking about it because it won't solve the problem and it is true it will not make what you are going through go away. But if you are up to talking another time, I think I have some understanding of what you maybe going through. Another time you may feel like talking about it.