Feeling blue...

[florence43]

I'm such a dark shade of blue, I'm practically purple. I don't know what's wrong...

I know, because I've posted such words on others' threads, that grief comes in many forms and it takes time...but I am shocked at the range of emotions I'm experiencing.

5 months now since mum died. Gosh, such a rush of tears just typing those two words. Mum died. What? MY mum? I can only describe this as a blanket or a "mist" of loss wrapping itself round me, and some days it's so thick that I can barely breathe. Mum is occupying every spare piece of my mind, and though it sounds so cliche, it's no lie that I have thought of my mum every single day since she died. I can't seem to get through a day without thinking of her. And I mean literally a day.

I don't think of her with dementia. I think of the mum at my wedding, the mum when I was growing up, the mum who I rang everyday for a chat. Suddenly she has broken through the memories of recent years and all the forgotten days.

It wasn't like this at first. I thought I was so strong. I accepted and coped very well, very quickly, and I was philosophical about mum's illness and the reason I had lost her. The build up and subsequent loss made more sense then than the overwhelming sense of grief now that I have time to accept she's no longer here. I won't see her again. Ever.

I know this is grief talking. The human being talking would say that it was the right order of things; naturally I would have lost my mum first; she was terribly ill; she needed to be spared more pain; it was a long goodbye; I grew used to her not being in my life; I was losing her over time; it came as no shock.... But my heart is breaking and I can't believe I don't have my mum anymore.

No words can make me feel any different, I just needed so badly to get this off my chest. If you read this and can relate to it, then you can rest assured you are not alone. I know I'm not the only one, but some days I just feel there's another long road ahead. I've only just left one long journey...

On Friday, I saw a woman who could have been my mum. I only saw her from the back but she was wearing trousers and a red cardigan that could have been my mum's, her hair all dark and curly, with silver specks. I couldn't take my eyes off her. I was glued to capturing just a moment of pretence. To imagine that really was my mum...just walking away to buy something, then to come back and join me for a cup of tea at the cafe. That shaped my day, and as the heavy teardrops plopped onto my lap, I realised this grief thing was reaching a new stage.

I'll get through it. For my children and my husband. For myself and for my parents. But I've realised I need to take as much time as I need before it gets any easier. If I acknowledge that, it's a start. I want a happy life, but I can't push aside the immense feeling of sadness, loss and emptiness that losing a parent leaves. Mum and dad may be together now, but they're no longer with me, and I find that incredibly hard to take.

 

[jill edwards]

Me too

I'm going through a rough time too dad only went recently. I have found some solice in a song by Beth Nielson Chapman its called I find your love in everything try and check into it out. I'm coping at the moment and my friends at tp are helping so much. It hasn't helped that I've had several other bereavement with family and friends recently. I am trying to get through a day at a time. But the most stupid things are setting me off really. I will be OK I know but I also know there will be times when I'll find it difficult but I will also know my friends at tp will be here to support me. I only hope I can help someone else.

 

[shauna]

Hi Annie
My heart goes out to you my tears are falling as i read your post. My mum died eight months ago and im finding it so hard she is in my thoughts from the moment i wake up till i close my eyes at night.I hear people say it gets easier as time go by but i dont think so.I thought it was hard when my dad died 10yrs ago but my my god nothing prepared me for losing my lovely mum. Like you i try to remember my mum as she was before her illness when she was happy and smilling and wrapping her arms around me with so much love in her heart . I feel she is watching over me and that is what gets me through this unbearable sadness and grief.I sometimes think it is all a bad dream and that i will wake up and my mum will still be here if only dreams came through .We will get through our grief with help from our friends on TP .and our loving family.

Im sending you lots of hugs and wishing you a happy easter.Dont forget to spoil yourself with plenty of chocolate and maybe a few glasses of wine to wash it down.


Shauna

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Dear Annie, just want you to know I'll be thinking of you today. You always write so eloquently when you support other people. I wish I could bless you with some eloquence now.

It will be three years on Monday since my mother died and like you with your mum, she is still very close in my heart. In fact at night she is often in my dreams because my subconscious simply refuses to let her rest or accept that she has gone. And like you my heart stops from time to time when I see a lady who resembles my mother, or a box of her favourite chocolates prompts thoughts of long gone visits.

There is no balm some days, but on other days when something lovely happens , some small thing, a bird singing, a flower blooming, or some kind words, I just think how lucky I am and thank my parents for bringing me into the world.

Annie, you are a lovely person and a credit to your mum. Cry as much as you need to, and then go and look at the spring blossom and the trees coming into leaf. I don't think your mum will ever be far from your heart and I'm quite sure she would want you to dry your eyes and live a happy life again, something you richly deserve. Hugs.

 

[sallyc]

Oh Annie

You give so much love and support to everyone else on here, and here you have been feeling so down yourself.

I'm so glad that you have posted, so that we can help you in some small way.

I wish I could write as beautifully as you do, to give as much comfort from my post, as you give to everyone else.

But - even if I can't come up with any amazing words - please know that I am always here.

For now I'm sending love and a (((((hug)))))

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Annie

You know yourself so well, you identify with others so well and so you do know your emotions are perfectly normal at this stage.

You have spent many hours since your mother`s passing supporting others. Please spare some of your compassion for yourself. xx

 

[Izzy]

I can relate to how you feel Annie. My mum died 9 months ago and I think of her every day. I can't imagine that will change. I think what is beginning to change is the sadness. It hasn't gone but now I often think about how she would have enjoyed something we're doing or somewhere we're visiting. This isn't always sad now.

Take care. x

 

[Helen33]

Dear Annie,

First of all "Good morning to you"

No words can make me feel any different, I just needed so badly to get this off my chest.

If we tried to be as eloquent as you, you'd probably not hear from any of us Your words above seemed to say what it was you needed. You don't need eloquence, you needed to get it out and to be heard and received. Well on Talking Point you will certainly be heard and received as you know I hope it helped to speak (type) it out - I'm sure it did

I have said for many years to myself and others "no one can look after me better than I can look after myself" and that is because I know all the thoughts and feelings that I experience and all the intricacies of my life. No one else could possibly know all these things. I know myself very well and where I fail, some friends are able to know me really quite well enough to be able to help me. I suspect you are very similar. When you write about yourself and to others, it is quite clear that you are a good friend to yourself and I have no doubt whatsoever that you will be a good friend to yourself in your bereavement (with a little help from your friends).

Love and a (HUG)

 

[2jays]

What an eloquent post.

You say

Mum and dad may be together now, but they're no longer with me, and I find that incredibly hard to take.

and

accept she's no longer here. I won't see her again. Ever.

These are the parts I want to respond to

It is my belief we never lose the ones we love
The dreams you have about your loved one, the times you suddenly see someone who looks like them, remembering a favourite flower, chocolate, appreciate a sunny day, what ever was special between you and your loved one, I believe is a connection between you and them.

At the beginning of this different relationship with your parents, you are bombarded with these images, over time the pain the memories cause gets less, the pain of remembering goes, but not the memories, one day when you have these memories you will get a feeling of warmth, love and safety. They have not left you - they are still with you - they are with you when you laugh, when you write so eloquently, when you cry, they are with you always.

You will see them again, but until that time they will communicate with you in the only way they can at the moment.

These are my beliefs. I hope what I believe, you can believe too, and so get comfort from having this different relationship with your mum and dad.

 

[Contrary Mary]

Dear Annie

I wish I could find the words to respond to you in the way that you have supported and comforted me since Mum died.

But I've realised I need to take as much time as I need before it gets any easier. If I acknowledge that, it's a start. I want a happy life, but I can't push aside the immense feeling of sadness, loss and emptiness that losing a parent leaves. Mum and dad may be together now, but they're no longer with me, and I find that incredibly hard to take.

They say that everyone grieves differently in the same way as we say "when you've seen one person with dementia...............". But, whatever, our circumstances or family situation, even though logic dictates that our parents go first, we have nevertheless lost the people who have been central to our upbringing, who have loved us and been loved in return. They are, quite simply, irreplaceable. And when the "triggers" occur, and you seem to be hit by another wave of grief, it can be hard to look back and realise that actually it is slowly getting better, it just doesn't seem like it at the time.

I'm going to shut up now as I've started a few tears. Having spoken to several people since Mum died, I know that it is early days and there will be wobbles along the way, but in a perverse way it is comforting to know that it is "normal".

I, too, wish you a happy Easter with your family. Of course, for both of us, as for others, it is another "first" isn't it as we've not yet finished our first year.

Sending much love and support.
Mary
x

 

[Saffie]

Dear Annie
I can relate so strongly to what you write and my mother died 30 years ago this February after suffering from AD. It took many years for me to completely accept that she really was no more and I still think of her so much now. Especially now, as I have been trying to sort out stuff which we have kept in in boxes etc. for many years. Not only am I finding so many memories of my husband and my earlier, happier years but also so many things which bring my mother back so close to me again. The intention in this sort out was to dispose of old 'stuff' but I find that nearly all of it is being rewrapped and put back. Too many memories which are too precious.

It does get easier but the sadness never entirely goes away. As with any other sorrow, it just becomes a part of you but, in my case, it takes very little for it to overcome me again, as now.

Sending heartfelt sympathy to all of you who are suffering this loss. X

 

[florence43]

Thank you all.

I went to bed last night, straight after posting, so to come down this morning and see all your kind replies was lovely.

I have puffy eyes, and look like some sort of reptile, but it's a sign I got the tears out, good and proper! I feel better for posting and sharing.

I spoke with my hubby last night, before posting, just so he could be prepared... This is the first "big" bereavement for us both (and it's mum and dad, so close together), so he's no more experienced than I, and he has always feared me losing my parents, ever since we met 17 years ago. In fact, we have both been surprised at how well I have coped. But he knows me well, so I shared a little...without wanting to worry him too much. He doesn't like to see me sad.

He was away last week, skiing with his parents and sister. I had texted him when I saw the lady that looked like mum, and he sent back lovely texts to help me through. I was glad of the personal space that week. Sometimes, with 3 young children, I don't feel there's enough time to just "be".

But last night, when I explained the most recent wave of grief, he said he completely understood, but don't mention it to his mum! I love his mum dearly, and she has a soft old heart, but she's the most practical (and often tactless!) woman I know. When I couldn't make the Mothers' Day meal with them all, she couldn't understand it. She said to my hubby that she thought I was so strong and that I would be over it by now...! I didn't take offence! She really is lovely, but in truth she could just do with a slightly wider vocabulary!!! I guess I've just made a good job of faking through many days, so the sadness is buried for my own private times.

She also had a very different relationship with her mum. When her mum was ill, she was an expat on the other side of the world. Her mum died days after they arrived home for Christmas one year, from cancer. I can't understand myself why she hadn't left the moment she knew it was terminal cancer...but maybe she didn't know? Maybe her mum kept it from her? We don't know and my hubby doesn't want to ask. He doesn't want to judge her or think badly of her, and believes it is her business, based on her decisions at that time. But as mother and daughter, they were not close, so I guess that goes some way to explain why she thinks I should be fine after 5 months. In fact, in an attempt to help on Mothers' Day, she offered the advice that everyone's parents die...! Not in the least bit helpful to me, but she really was trying to be constructive!!

So, I have my hubby, my close friends, and my children to hold me up (not forgetting TP, of course), and I'll leave my mother-in-law for the less emotional things in life!! She's a sweetheart, with not a malicious bone in her body, but she has a way with words that makes the whole family flinch at times!! It's almost visible! (between you and me...she went for a job at The Samaritans and got turned down....none of us were surprised!! But she does have a good heart...)

I'll be ok. Feeling a little less purple this morning, mainly mauve, but going for a lighter colour each day...xxx

 

[Saffie]

Sky blue soon, hopefully, Annie. love and understanding X

 

[tre]

Dear Annie,
I am glad you are feeling a little less sad today. I have read lots of threds here but not seen anyone before refer to seeing someone who looks like the mum you have lost. This has happened to me too and I think it can be devastating- such a feeling of loss, and it is not like the other occasions such as mothers day or mum's birthday when you expect the grief to hit you and so already have your defences ready so to speak.
love Tre

 

[Mamagraf]

Its my first day on the forum today. I would just like to send love and blessings to you all who have been through bereavement. It's tough and slow and the pain comes in waves but also over the long term retreats in waves too.

 

[mistypop]

My mum died when I was 12 the pain never goes away just gets easier even though i have now spent 26 years without her I still miss her especially now with going through dementia with my dad. Would be just nice to talk it through with her. Big love and hugs to you xx

 

[maryw]

Dear Annie, so very sorry for your pain. I think losing the second parent, and in your case, so soon after the first, hits harder. It is that link with the past that has been broken and suddenly it is all memories, and that makes you sad. I too have found my eyes lingering on a mother look-alike figure and so wanted to believe in her reincarnation! It is 3 years since I lost my 2nd parent, my Mum and 32 years since I lost my Dad. I am an only child and sadly, was unable to have children so the loss of family is huge. I also found myself thinking of my Mum every day; just latterly it has got to the evening and I've suddenly remembered I hadn't thought of her, and then you feel guilty for not thinking of them! I still think of my Dad 32 years on. It doesn't go away but you do learn to live with it.

Latterly I have felt much stronger by remembering that my parents are at peace, in a much better place where they know no pain. I know more than anything that they would want me to live my life today and in the future to the very full and be happy in and be comforted by the warm memories of times past. I focus on this thought and it does bring warmth, solace and comfort. We are all so different, but I just wanted to share with you how I have come to terms with it in some small hope that it may also be of comfort to you. Take care. Your feelings are so normal and, as Helen says, do need to be expressed. xx

 

[florence43]

I can't begin to tell you all how your words and experiences are helping. To know that it will get easier, or that I can learn to live with it makes the journey more manageable. I know I will get to the place I need to be, I'm just not there yet. Still traveling, that's all.

It's just such a huge emptiness...and I know nothing can fill that hole, I just need to live beside it, not get sucked into it.

So thank you for posting. It's amazing the difference one day (and a little internet) can make, xxx

 

[larivy]

Hi Annie sorry to read how sad you are but I differnately know where your coming from I still can't believe mum has gone I still see things in shops that mum liked and I buy them when I go out I can't wait to get home to tell her about it just to find she's not here to tell I try to think of all the good times I had with mum( and there was lots) sometimes I get angry with her for leaving me but I know she's not suffering now
Like you I have tried to be strong and sometimes I can but some days it's just to hard I speak to mum and dad every day I feel they are always with me and always will be
I'm not sure now what journey was the hardest the one when mum was ill or the journey I'm on now without her but like you I know this journey will get easier and I am the person I am now because of mum and dad and I will always try to make them proud of me thinking of you Annie as we both share this journey and I hope it gets easier for you soon love larivy

 

[piedwarbler]

Dear Annie

I've sent you a PM

Love xx