Mum even thinner

[piedwarbler]

Hello everyone

I went to see Mum today after having a week off, to try and recharge my own batteries which are depleted. In a way it makes things harder, as Mum had forgotten me completely, and just went round in a circle of "Who are you? Are you the same age as me? Where have I been? I'd forgotten all about you. I thought I was all on my own. I thought I'd never see anyone again. How come you can do things and I can't? How come you know what's going on?" round and round and round in a big circle.

Something has been playing on my mind. I bought Mum a new electric profiling bed at the end of November. At the time I looked at airflow mattresses and thought should I buy a new one, but I didn't. Now I wonder, if I had, might Mum have avoided these awful pressure sores? The reason for me thinking this is, when I went to see her after a week's holiday in January of this year, she was on a new Cairwave mattress, and you might recall me saying the tissue nurse commented on it, and the home's nurse said, "Well, her last mattress broke." Now I am wondering, did the old mattress breaking cause the pressure sore?

In fact it has been playing on my mind so much that I went to the home today and asked the nurse, and she said, no, they thought Mum's downturn was generalised and not caused by the broken mattress. Now, I know at this time Mum had pressure sores develop on both ankles, and they were not in contact with the mattress, I don't think, so maybe this is true.

Am I right to be criticising myself for not buying a new mattress at the time? I did have a conversation with the woman who sold me the bed, and she said if Mum was on an airflow mattress, I could leave her on it, and she would be fine.

Oh well, maybe it's one of those things I will never have an answer to. But it's depressing, thinking what if, what if I could have spared Mum the pain.

I fed Mum a jam and cream doughnut, and fed her her tea, and gave her her tablets. We talked to her two friends E and J in two separate calls on my mobile, and Mum was very pleased, and smiled and smiled.

By the time I left she was annoyed she'd missed Loose Women, but I said never mind Mum, it'll be on tomorrow.

Love to all,

 

[Goingitalone]

Oh Pied, you sound so low and no wonder, with all you have on your plate.

We all do this guilt 'what if' thing. I've been doing it to myself all weekend.

The fact is, some things happen whatever we do. At the time we do everything for the best. You wouldn't deliberately hurt your Mum for a minute. It's so obvious you care for her so much.

You must stop beating yourself up. You've done everything in your power to help your Mum, moving her and everything when you were so very ill yourself.

I think you deserve some peace of mind now. Do try and enjoy your time off with Little Pied and take some time out for you.

And that's an order!

 

[piedwarbler]

I do feel low, it's true. I thought I would bounce back from my cancer treatment by now but I still feel quite tired all the time. Some days are good and some are not so good. Every time I have a good day I wonder what I am making a fuss about. Then I have a bad day and blame the treatment. Maybe I am just tired. I feel like this has been a marathon. Mum went in a care home in September 2009 and since then I have just been in a limbo of caring. I don't know how much longer I can do it. Sometimes I feel I have used all my energy, every scrap.

I never thought I would have to keep it up this long.

I don't even visit twice a week at the moment which upsets me. I have only managed once a week for the last couple of months.

 

[Saffie]

Hello Pied. I'm sorry to see that you are upset regarding your mother's mattress. It is just another thing to worry about isn't it but it's good that she was given the other mattress anyway so that should help prevent any future sores. Dave has a ripple air mattress and it seems very uncomfortable. In fact I said this to the cinical nurse advisor last week and she said that she had spent a night on one in hospital as part of her training and it was dreadful. Still, I suppose if it does the trick and Dave has been on one now since he first went into hospital a year last October so is probably used to it by now. However, he did have sores in the Community hospital but this may have been from his chair - or just spending too long in it. as he was immobile.

You must have been upset when your mum didn't remember you. Has this happened before and was she aware who you were before you left? I hope that she better in heself despite losing more weight. The doughnuts will help a little, won't they.

I hope you have had plenty of rest during your week of recharging. you certainly needed it. Best wishes and love XXX

 

[larivy]

Sorry you had a bad visit Pied mum was on a airflow mattress and a ripple mattress she still got bedsores so don't beat yourself hope you feel better soon
Love larivy

 

[Goingitalone]

I do feel low, it's true. I thought I would bounce back from my cancer treatment by now but I still feel quite tired all the time. Some days are good and some are not so good. Every time I have a good day I wonder what I am making a fuss about. Then I have a bad day and blame the treatment. Maybe I am just tired. I feel like this has been a marathon. Mum went in a care home in September 2009 and since then I have just been in a limbo of caring. I don't know how much longer I can do it. Sometimes I feel I have used all my energy, every scrap.

I never thought I would have to keep it up this long.

I don't even visit twice a week at the moment which upsets me. I have only managed once a week for the last couple of months.

Pied, that could be me talking. I struggle to visit Mum more than once a week, too, and I feel awful about it. But Mum's memory is so poor if you asked her if I had visited she'd have forgotten anyway.

We can be so hard on ourselves, but the fact is, you're NOT Wonderwoman. You're a very loving human being who has had one of the most aggressive medical treatments known to man.

When more time has passed and you can look back on this time in your life I'm sure you'll wonder why you were so hard on yourself.

Just now you need rest and peace so that you can get your thoughts and feelings into some sort of perspective. Many people outside of the situation will see that clearly but it's hard for you cause you're right in the middle of it.

Truly you need to be kinder to yourself. I bet if you asked Mr Pied he'd agree with me.

Your Mum enjoyed your visit. She got a chance to talk to her friends and she ate cake. In my book that's gotta be good.

And she has Loose Women to look forward to tomorrow. Now what could be better than that? You're a daughter to be proud of, who has fought for her Mum against all the odds.

Remember your Mum smiled and smiled today. You're doing good, Gal.

 

[piedwarbler]

Thanks for saying this

you've had had one of the most aggressive medical treatments known to man

Sometimes I think some people have very short memories, or else they think some people seem to get over the treatment quickly, so why not me? They say all chemos are different and I had one of the toughest regimes.

Thanks for saying all that Saffie about Dave's mattress too. I have sort of lain on Mum's a little bit, and it feels like an over - inflated lilo, I cannot imagine it is comfy to lie on for someone like Mum who loved an old fashioned saggy sprung mattress and flannelette sheets!

Mum is soooo thin, her skin is dry and tight and so paper thin, it's like cobweb stretched over her bones. The palms of her hands are all wrinkled and flaky and she has hollows in the crooks of her fingers and thumbs, you know where you have little pouches of fat - well, she has hollows.

Thanks too Larivy, Kassy, and Goingitalone.

I am really, really exhausted. I have asked for the dentist for Mum as she has said her teeth hurt, and I asked again today for the third time. Why does everything take three goes to sort out?

I'm sorry I haven't kept up with everyone else's threads. I've got so much to catch up on.

 

[2jays]

Pied. Not trying to worry you, just to let you know it's normal - as you know I too had a really tough cancer treatment regime and it does leave you absolutely washed out. I took 3 years to feel "normal" and I didn't have to do a job, look after a mother.....

I still get a "weakness in mind and body" 12 years later, particularly if stressed - or if I am under the weather. Please try not to worry about the tiredness - try to accept that it will happen from time to time, and when it does, accept that it is happening and look after yourself and be kind to yourself, by pacing what needs doing for others - you MUST come first.

xx

 

[Dottie]

Dear Pied,

You sound very tired. Honestly you always give 100% to your Mum, she has an amazing daughter but you have to look after yourself too Pied, body & soul.

So hard to put yourself first when it comes naturally to think of others first but your Mum would want you to look after yourself too wouldn't she.

Please take care, with love,

Dottie xx

 

[piedwarbler]

Thanks 2jays and Dottie, that does help. I'm scared I'll never make it back to work but I don't want the cancer to win this little battle.
I forgot to answer your question Saffie, yes Mum does sometimes forget me but today it lasted all visit. She looked so gobsmacked when I said I am her daughter. Absolutely amazed! It was very unusual. I said don't worry Mum, I haven't forgotten you. Xx

 

[florence43]

Dearest Pied,

You sound in need of a little TLC, so please don't be hard on yourself. Instead, let me give you a gentle hug and tell you you're doing your very best, fighting your own health issues and trying to be strong for your dear mum. You're only human, albeit a wonderful human.

My little bit of advice about wondering: try not to. Unless it is in advance, or based on professional advice, or others' experience....

I used to wonder...all the time. I think now, it was because so much of what was happening, if not all, was so desperately out of my control. If I could fix something, or learn from it and prevent it happening again...it was within my powers to do so. But, I've had time to see that much of that was desperation, and with hindsight, I know from the bottom of my heart that I did everything within my powers to make mum's life as bearable as possible for her. As comfortable, as rich and as happy...as her illness would allow, anyway.

We feel we know you so well, and have been included in so many of your emotions, fears and joys along the way, and I think I can speak on behalf of all of us by saying you have gone over and above what many could do, especially when coping with such serious health issues of your own. You've been amazing and strong, caring and full of love. You have made difficult decisions and always with the very best of intentions.

You'll never know what difference the mattress would have made, and I could also ask myself the question with my own mum and her pressure sores. But I prefer to let myself think (or know) that though some pressure sores are unavoidable, many are not. That's a fact. My mum's skin was changing all over, (as is your mum's?), and no amount of clever bedding would probably have helped. Maybe it would have...but there's no point me going there, for the likelihood is so small, and I could only do what I thought was right at the time. We face a cruel and ruthless disease, which takes hold and makes changes without warning. Sometimes, things just happen and nothing can prevent them, and it all happens so very quickly.

But I am where I am now. 6 months since mum's pressure sore took a savage hold and 5 months since she died. But I never question what if...? I know I did everything I thought possible. You are no different. You've done everything you can. She's not in pain now, and the disease just follows its path. You just continue to care and to love, and to look after yourself too.

When you get to where I now stand, you will have no regrets, I'm sure of it. Just time to think, and time to miss. For you have been a wonderful daughter. xxxxx

 

[grove]

Hello Pied , Sorry you are feeling so "low" & sorry to read about your Mum am glad she eat her Doughnut & enjoyed the Phone Calls

Sending much Love , Peace & Comfort to you Pied for today & the days to come

Take Care & enjoy some rest & time with Little P

Love & BIG HUGS Love Grove x x

 

[Helen33]

Dear Pied,

Of course you are really tired Pied. It is true about you having had the most aggressive treatment known to man AND you are now working AND you have children and a husband AND you have a mum who is really very ill.

I have just had a week of feeling really shattered and this is because of being slightly off colour I know that being tired brought about an altered perspective in me. Everything seemed difficult and stressful. This was not the reality in my case because those days have gone but if just being out of sorts can have quite drastic effects then with all you have to contend with, it is hardly surprising that you are really tired!! I just hope you can find ways to help yourself rest. Rest is not just sitting around doing nothing but whatever brings about a little peace of mind, body and spirit. For me it is restful to swim, walk, garden etc. and for others it will be something else. Whatever it is for you I hope that you get a chance to have the occasional bask in it.

I won't mention the mattress thing because it is one of those things you will never really know. Like Larivy says, her mum had that mattress and she still got the sores. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Like you said your mum's skin is like a cobweb over her bones! Now I have mentioned the mattress thing

Sending love and a gentle (HUG) - you are doing so well travelling a tough road

 

[florence43]

Hey Pied,

Just popping in. You probably didn't get to see your mum today but I was more worried about you, and have been hoping today is a better day.

Hope things improve for you and that you get a little strength back soon, my sweet, xxx

 

[piedwarbler]

Aw thanks Annie, I would have put a marble in the jar marked Good Day today, if I had had a jar and a marble!

I haven't been to see Mum today, you're right, but I have been thinking about her.

I didn't sleep well at all last night so I am quite surprised to have felt ok today.

Hope you are ok. Are you having a nice Easter break with your kids? x

 

[grove]

Am Thinking Of You Pied

Hello Pied , Just "popping in " to see how you are & you are in my thought's Pied at this difficult time for you . Do hope you have been able to rest "Body & Soul " today Pied even for a short time .

Take Care & sending much Love & Comfort

Love & Hugs Love Grove x x x x

 

[piedwarbler]

Thank you Grove, I hope you are well and you have had a good day. I must catch up with your thread, I haven't had chance to read it yet.

Look after yourself xx

 

[Dazmum]

Just popping in with a hug for you Pied x

 

[piedwarbler]

Just popping in with a hug for you Pied x

thanks Jennie, hope you are ok xx

 

[creativesarah]

glad you had a better day

love and support Sarah