Having difficulty coming to terms with clearing out the house

JoshuaTree

Registered User
Jan 2, 2010
496
0
Surrey
Morning.

Could I just ask those who have had to do it, how did you cope when you were clearing out a relatives house to sell to pay care fee's?

I'm finding it really difficult and it feels very very wrong indeed. When my Dad died and we cleared his belongings, that was hard but he was gone and that was that as it were. Mum is alive and I can't get my head around it at all.

I know she's in a carehome and can't have all the house and it's contents and most of her things, but I keep thinking that maybe she'll need it :rolleyes:
What if we get rid and she gets better? :rolleyes:
I feel that we are stealing from her. It feels very wrong because she's still here....I know, I know :rolleyes:
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,447
0
Kent
I did it when my mother went into a home and it was awful.

I took a week`s unpaid leave from work, wanting to get it over and done with but had no idea how sneaky I`d feel, sorting out what had been my mother`s treasured possessions.

Half the time was spent looking over my shoulder expecting to see her watching me with disapproval.

It is not a nice thing to have to do, but it has to be done so the quicker the better.

Think of a plaster being taken off. If it is taken off slowly it increases the agony. It needs to be ripped off as fast as possible.

Good luck. xx
 

grobertson62

Registered User
Mar 7, 2011
581
0
Sheffield
Oh boy do I understand that one
what to keep, what to throw, what to send to charity
It is the hardest thing I have ever done
Like you I felt bad, dad isn't dead would he come home, was it all a bad dream & I would wake up & he would be fine

It wasn't a bad dream, more of a nightmare & one that we have to live with

we coped by doing it one Item at a time, crying laughing & crying over & over
it was with sadness that we looked at the skip & thought is this what your life boils down to

the good thing is I am now not such a hoarder

will be thinking of you as you too go through this & you will get through it.. HONEST

Gill
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,589
0
Yorkshire
You're right, JoshuaTree, it's much harder when the person is still alive.

First of all, if and it's an unlikely if, your mum comes out, then you can replace, either from auctions, charity shops, any of the big supermarkets or IKEA relatively cheaply, This is worse case scenario and as I'm sure you realise is VERY unlikely.

Secondly, your mum's main needs in the CH are care and companionship. She doesn't need 'stuff', other than well-labelled practical clothes. What I have learned from this godawful experience is that 'stuff' doesn't matter. My children have been gently advised that I would prefer consumables or a voucher for a treat rather than another photo frame or even worse, an ornament.

Third, I sold/disposed of the big items and packed a lot of the smaller ones into boxes and put them in my loft to be dealt with later. It took me a year to face getting round to dealing with this, but when you realise that your kids want to buy a new toaster from Argos or wherever for a fiver rather than using grannie's old curtains when they leave home, you stop being sentimental about the tatty kettle that 'might be useful one day' and give it to a charity shop or have a car boot sale.

Last there's the sentimental stuff. Well, when we were burgled last year, the scumbags took all mum's jewellery including her engagement ring, so it doesn't get much worse than that. But you know what, that's just 'stuff' too and when I got the insurance money, I went out and chose a few nice pieces I actually now wear in memory of Mum and my gran, and that's been far more comforting than keeping items you won't ever wear in a drawer.

So seven years on, I've just about cleared the backlog - except for her twelve piece tea set that she got from her bridesmaid, which held pride of place in her display cabinet. I can't bring myself to dispose of it for peanuts so I'm keeping it boxed in case my daughter ever decides she wants it.

PS one thing is old family photos. If she's still with it enough to help you identify who's who, then do that as soon as you can. I left that far too late.
 

Donnadoobie

Registered User
Oct 12, 2011
130
0
Norfolk
I'm going through exactly the same thing at the moment and can identify with all the feelings of feeling devious, sneaky and also sadness about getting rid of all the treasured things that I just cannot keep. It's when she talks about going home that I find so hard, she would have a fit if she saw her house at the moment!!

My brother has shown no sentiment whatsoever and has thrown away lots of things me and my sister and niece wanted to keep, it's all so difficult.

I'm going today to decorate the downstairs as we are selling,like you. Last night I went and stood in the front room, devoid of furniture, carpets and wallpaper and could have cried just thinking about all the Christmas days, celebrations and laughter from that room. I have found the small things the most difficult, just items that she bought shopping like foil or soups. Silly isn't it?

Thinking about you Joshua Tree
 

Merideth

Registered User
Mar 20, 2012
12
0
Sydney, Australia
Hi JoshuaTree,

I was not quite in that position. My mother died in hospital. And then I had to clear for the house to be sold.

Try to think of clearing the house as a purely practical thing you are doing in order to care for her- the fees have to be paid. In clearing out you are still helping her, still looking after her.

I expect there is a lot of grief - every thing holds a memory. But they are only things - they are not a relationship.

Perhaps you could box certain things that you think she might ask for at some stage - or that you are not sure of dispensing with because of memories. Or 'loan' others to good friends/family. That may help the burden a little. My parents were farmers. My dad died in the 1980's. But I still have his last pair of gum boots (Wellingtons) from the farm in the garden shed!

Just remember you're doing this for her. She can't do it herself and in doing so you're continuing to care for her.

Cheers,

Merideth
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,589
0
Yorkshire
It's also made me much more aware that I should be using some of my own more precious items rather than 'cotton-wooling' them in case they get broken.

I have some beautiful glasses given as wedding presents as well as all my mum & dad's crystal, but realised not so long ago I was using the cheap ones as a matter of course. No more. When I have my G&T before dinner on Sunday, it's now served in the best crystal. Life's too short. :D Cheers.
 

caravaner

Registered User
Aug 22, 2011
170
0
wales
Hi Joshua Tree,

We seem to be going through the same thing. I am in the process of clearing my parents house. Dad died 5 months ago and Mum had to go into c/h in December. Its taken me until now to get to the stage of doing this and I hate it:(
 

JoshuaTree

Registered User
Jan 2, 2010
496
0
Surrey
Thanks so much for the replies.
You've all been very helpful.
Even the other day I went over to Mum's to get some old bedsheets to use as dust sheets
and found myself wondering if I should ask her first if that was ok.
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,589
0
Yorkshire
Thanks so much for the replies.
You've all been very helpful.
Even the other day I went over to Mum's to get some old bedsheets to use as dust sheets
and found myself wondering if I should ask her first if that was ok.

Using her stuff like that is what she would have wanted so instead of feeling guilty say to yourself "Thanks, Mum".

But whatever you do, don't go down the road of asking her permission for things like this.......:eek:
 

fredsnail

Registered User
Dec 21, 2008
648
0
We also have a lot of Grandad's stuff in our house for now - we are going through it now as we've got more distance and although we know it's his stuff we're not as emotional about it.

He was a massive hoarder so we have also learnt not to hoard and are currently decluttering our house big time :D
 

handyjack

Registered User
Oct 6, 2011
151
0
I think the biggest problem is that you feel as though your discarding someone's memories, not their belongings. I know when my mum died (early eighties) dad asked me to help clear her "stuff" from the house. It was very painful and hard, deciding what had to go and what could/should be kept. Most of her clothes went to a charity shop, and the more personal belongings were given to family.
 

JoshuaTree

Registered User
Jan 2, 2010
496
0
Surrey
Using her stuff like that is what she would have wanted so instead of feeling guilty say to yourself "Thanks, Mum".

But whatever you do, don't go down the road of asking her permission for things like this.......:eek:

I will never ask her permission, as she wouldnt understand what I mean't. It's just felt weird not to.:)
 

Dottie

Registered User
Sep 12, 2010
106
0
Hi JoshuaTree,

Am in the same position as you at the moment, it's really grim isn't. So much emotion attached to the 'process' precisely because Mum is still alive & so it feels wrong doing all this 'behind her back'.

Totally empathise with Donnadoobie too.

I also find it hard when people casually ask 'have I sold the house yet?' I feel too weary to explain how it is taking forever because I have had to let go of her to dementia & now I have to let go of the home I grew up in too & that takes a huge emotional toll.

Thinking of you too JoshuaTree,

Love Dottie xx
 

Farmergirl

Registered User
May 24, 2011
464
0
Cornwall
Hi Joshuatree

I have been getting rid ofmums stuff for the last 4 months.
When mum came down here to live with us, we brought most of her stuff down within a month.
It has been like a haberdashery shop! bags and bags of wool that she had forgotten she had, Womans Weekly's from the 1970's, carrier bags (26) full of mail and nespapers etc.
I have been ruthlessly going through about 4 bags, boxes a day. Thats what I can cope with. We passed on her furniture to someone starting out, and now I have only thousands of photographs to deal with.

The hard bit was selling mums house. Of course we havnt told her (she still thinks that one day she will go home), but we need the money to pay for her care, but this felt very wrong.
 

florida

Registered User
May 12, 2012
4
0
disposing of household items

We started clearing out mother in laws rented house which was a nightmare as she hoarded things. We had only 4 weeks to get it done and despite letting her other 2 sons know (1 turned up and took away a few items) we have only had horrible letters from the other son. He is now saying that we shouldn't have disposed of anything and that we will be liable for undervaluing items.
This is a nightmare, she kept everything, broken, not working, and plain dangerous. We put furniture and some items on ebay and gumtree and sold some (we did compare similar items for the price) but we are still left with a conservatory of useless items. i.e. old perfume, kenwood food processor, old crown derby pottery and darent throw it away or take to a charity shop and can'[t sell it as no=one seems interested in it. Has anyone else had this problem? This son lives about 150 miles away and just sends letters. Do you think we will end up in court?
 

rajahh

Registered User
Aug 29, 2008
2,790
0
Hertfordshire
you do not say if MIL has died or gone int6o a hom6e. If5 she is st-ill alive , does anyone h6ave POA>

If she has died who is the executor of will. Or is there not a will.

You may need assistance from CAB to clarify things,

Jeannette
 

AnnieS

Registered User
Jan 8, 2012
50
0
Hertfordshire
I did a car boot sale with my mum's old odds and ends, with the money to go to the Alzheimer's society. It was dreadful to see my mum's cherished possessions going for pence and at the end of the day we only made £30 - for a lifetime's possessions! Really difficult. In hindsight it would have been better to give them all to a charity shop and then you don't have to go through all of that. This is all so difficult, but as someone else said, think of it as a way of caring for your mum and the main thing is that she's well looked after now and doesn't need bits and pieces if she has love.
 

florida

Registered User
May 12, 2012
4
0
Thanks for the reply. No one has POA as she wouldn't agree to one. She is in a care home now and my husband visits her every week. We have kept clothes for her and ornaments, photos etc. But despair of disposing of a tesco value kettle over 2 years old, a variety of other 20 year old electrical equipment etc. We just get letters from the son in wales saying we will be responsible for the undervaluing of items. But no help, no offer to come and sell stuff or even to visit his mother. He keeps referring to her as if she were dead. All very upsetting for us as we have always looked after her and cared for her and now have to deal with him.
She does have a will made quite a time ago and wrote him (but not his children) out of it.

you do not say if MIL has died or gone int6o a hom6e. If5 she is st-ill alive , does anyone h6ave POA>

If she has died who is the executor of will. Or is there not a will.

You may need assistance from CAB to clarify things,

Jeannette
 

jeany123

Registered User
Mar 24, 2012
19,034
0
74
Durham
I would give him a week or two to pick them up and tell him you will dispose of them after that ,he seems to have been so unreasonable when you have done your best and he has done nothing except cause you stress and make life more difficult for you .