Friends are making my husband worry about my birthday

[tre]

I will be 60 this May and some very kind friends of ours have told me I will not be allowed to let this pass unnoticed. They asked me what I would like to do and I told them a day out in a country house with nice grounds where we all could enjoy the walk and something to eat including my husband.
One of them has however, I am sure with the best of intentions been ( when I was out of the room) talking to my husband about a present for me. My husband's current MMSE is 6 so to be quite honest I am amazed he remembered this conversation but he has said to me that it is hush hush, is unsure he should have said anything, told me he suggested a bracelet, which I reassured him is lovely but he keeps coming back to it and worrying. He has asked me probably a dozen times today when it is my birthday and I keep saying not to worry that it is weeks away.
Now I do not know what is the best thing to do. He has not got me a present for the past two or three Christmases or birthdays and this has not been a problem for either of us. As far as I am concerned it is like asking a two year old to remember these dates and I am just glad he is still well enough for us to have some enjoyable times together.
On valentines day I got him a card but he did not have any problem in receiving it without having one to give to me. He did tell me he loved me. Same thing at Christmas-he did not notice that he only received presents and did not give any( well of course I organised presents for others in the family from us jointly). He now seems to be anxious that he will not do things properly on my birthday despite my reassurances. Any ideas?
Tre

 

[hollycat]

Buy yourself a braclet now. Buy 6 birthday cards whilst you at it and some flowers and chocs.

Post the cards to yourself, all on the same day and when they arrive, appear with the presents and have your birthday that day.

Tell the friends you are using distracting techniques and not to mention it to him again.

In other words, HAVE 2 BIRTHDAYS.

This type of problem crops up with mum and neighbours/friends all the time and this is what we do every time.

When a neighbour asked how mums eyes were...........My hubby has run into opticians and asked them that when mum and I walk in, look into her eyes, ask her to read a bit from the newspaper and tell her she is wonderful. You would be amazed how many people have been so cooperative and OH always hangs about afterwards and answers their questions.

Sounds a bit crazy, but just something we have found that works.

Mum gets problem in her head, GET RID OF PROB as quick as you can.

Hope this isn't too whacky ?

 

[Nan2seven]

Oh, tre, I do hope you will do as Hollycat has suggested.
Hollycat, that is just brilliant.
I wish I had thought of something similar when Christmas 2010 was coming: every time Brian saw the decorations in the local shops he thought it was Christmas Day next day and wanted to buy in loads of meat and drink ...
Two birthdays is a lovely idea.
I hope you find a lovely bracelet, tre, and praise your dear OH for his choice and taste.
Love, Nan XXX

 

[hollycat]

Oh, tre, I do hope you will do as Hollycat has suggested.
Hollycat, that is just brilliant.
I wish I had thought of something similar when Christmas 2010 was coming: every time Brian saw the decorations in the local shops he thought it was Christmas Day next day and wanted to buy in loads of meat and drink ...
Two birthdays is a lovely idea.
I hope you find a lovely bracelet, tre, and praise your dear OH for his choice and taste.
Love, Nan XXX

Sad truth is OH and I have stopped celebrating birthdays with mum; its sad but just NOT worth the stress it causes.

Although, will be having 8 blinking easters this year as shops will insist on putting the eggs out so early. Have they no considerarion for my mum ! LOL

 

[tre]

Sounds a good idea Hollycat. I have just been in the kitchen preparing veg and came out to find him distressed. Asked why and he said " I think I've missed your birthday".
What shall I say to the well meaning friends though? Even if I have a birthday then if they mention it again we will be back to square one.
Tre

 

[LadyA]

Tre, is your husband up to going to a shop with you to buy a bracelet? Would he enjoy it? My husband, to my great surprise enjoyed coming with me to the shops to buy "his" presents for people at Christmas. We went, looked at things, I suggested what to get, we went to the till and he got great pleasure in paying for them. He was worrying what to get me though - so I suggested an eternity ring, he agreed, and I went and got it, wrapped it and at Christmas he presented it to me with great pride! I think too though that idea of two birthdays is brilliant - and have also found that people (in shops etc.) are for the most part brilliant and very co-operative. In fact, one of OH's daughters ona visit here one time was reduced to tears by how kind and gentle complete strangers in shops were with him.

 

[hollycat]

How to tell friends and neighbours ?

I would just print this thread off and show them. I am sure they will understand when they read it.

So will help, I hope by typing this:

I have found from personal experience that the MOST WONDERFUL KIND THINGS can cause a person with dementia to worry. When I ask mum if she would like a cake from the shop, by the time I get back, she has got the baking equipment out. Then distresses herself about how many eggs she has or has not put in. Then she stresses. All this when I said, would you like a cake from the shop.

I hope your friends will read and understand this. By the way, if they have a sense of humour, which I am sure they have, we are the ones that end up eating the "cake".

Yes, cake in inverted commas because when she is making the cake, if I ask OH if he would like sausage for tea.......yes.......we have had a sausage cake.....honest !

REAL FRIENDS WILL UNDERSTAND AND TRUST YOU !

 

[Izzy]

Oh Tre - I know how you feel. I was 60 last May but there's no way Bill would have remembered it was my birthday. We always go out together and choose something together. I then wrap it up an leave it where I can let him see the parcel if he does suddenly wonder getting me something. He's finding it harder to even write in cards now but I do still buy myself one and get him to write a little something in it.

I hope you have a lovely day when it comes. xx

 

[tre]

Thank you to everyone who has helped. I talked to my husband about this yesterday and it seems that the thing that is really getting to him is not having a present at the right time. I asked him how he would feel about us going out together to choose some thing and then wrapping it up and keeping it until the day and he really liked this idea. I think we shall do it sooner rather than later. I also think this may work for if he forgets he has something it will be quite easy for me to reassure him by showing him the wrapped present and I think this is quite likely to work. If it fails I shall try the multiple birthday approach. Since we had this conversation he has not been agitated about my birthday which is a good sign.
I have printed off the thread to show to the friend who unwittingly caused the problem , together with a personal note telling him I know he was only trying to be helpful.
So thank you all of you for your imput
Tre

 

[Izzy]

That's great - have fun choosing! x

 

[hollycat]

Really pleased for the happy ending with the present situation and hope you both enjoy your day out choosing

 

[LadyA]

William always likes tea & cake in a cafe when we've been to shop for something too!

 

[Izzy]

William always likes tea & cake in a cafe when we've been to shop for something too!

So does my William (Bill)!

 

[KingB]

I was worried that my mum would be upset if she missed my birthday, so I bought myself some bits and pieces from our fave charity shop and took them in when I went into the CH to see her on my birthday. I told her I knew she wouldnt be able to get me anything so I had got it myself as I knew they were things she would have chosen. She was quite happy with that, so long as I promised to take the money back from her account. It was only a fiver in total but I made sure I took the money as it was important to her that she should have paid.
My daughter's 21st is in a couple of weeks, so I guess I had better do similar again. Gosh - that will be a challenge - finding something good enough for her "little ray of sunshine".

 

[tre]

Well I did what you suggested and printed out thread for the friend and passed it to him in an envelope together with a short personal note on Saturday evening. Have just spoken to him and everything is fine. He said it is a steep learning curve for him also which of course is true. He also commented that he was glad that I was in touch with such a good support network.
With regards to the present I have spoken to David and we have agreed to go together to chose an item of jewellery. A shop in our village designs jewellery and I was wondering about maybe a silver bangle with both our names and the date inscribed inside. if it takes a while to get something sorted then I think a gift wrapped empty box in the desk drawer should do the trick. Anytime he gets anxious he has not got a present we can get the box out.
We shall go to a cafe when we make our expedition to choose the present. It was a lovely day here on Sunday and we went for a visit to a NT property and had a light lunch sitting outside on their restaurant veranda. It was an enjoyable day.
Tre

 

[Izzy]

That sounds just perfect! x

 

[bets daughter]

Hi Tre that sounds great , what wonderful ideas TP users come up with .Im gald you had a nice day on sunday a real treat to see the sun and get some warmth .PS i tried to reply to your private message but i seemed to have lost it , i will try again sorry best wishes Margaret

 

[tre]

Hello Margaret,
I made a pigs ear of replying to private messages before too so join the club
Tre