Hi

[kitts45]

Hi, my mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia last year. Unfortunately she was admitted to hospital at the end of January as she was refusing food and drink. While she was being treated, and making slight progress, she had a stroke. Mum passed away on 21st February, my wedding anniversary. We had just about come to terms with the dementia and were learning to deal with the fact that we were losing her and then this happened.
How do I go on with all the unanswered questions. Did the fact that she was not eating properly contribute to the stroke, could we have done more to make her eat etc.
This is such a cruel illness and there is not enough awareness. I for one will support it no matter what.

 

[Grannie G]

I am so sorry for your loss kitts but please don`t drive yourself up the wall with `what if` questions.

I doubt anyone can explain the progression of dementia. I`m sure you did everything you could, we all do, but have no control over the outcome.

 

[Jancis]

Hello Kitts,
I'm so very sorry to hear your mum had a stroke and passed away, and not long after being diagnosed. I hope by joining this forum you will find some answers to quell your worries and you will make some friends too. There are so many here who have lost their loved ones. And so many who wonder if they could have done more. You might find it helpful to explore all the different sub-forums here too - there's one called After dementia - dealing with loss.
Don't be afraid to express your feelings - you sound as if you have a campaign support instinct lurking inside you
Take care,
Jancis x

 

[turbo]

Hello Kitts, I am sorry to read your sad news about your mum. Sadly there are so many unknowns with dementia. Please keep posting, there is always support on this forum.

turbo

 

[Witzend]

Hi, my mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia last year. Unfortunately she was admitted to hospital at the end of January as she was refusing food and drink. While she was being treated, and making slight progress, she had a stroke. Mum passed away on 21st February, my wedding anniversary. We had just about come to terms with the dementia and were learning to deal with the fact that we were losing her and then this happened.
How do I go on with all the unanswered questions. Did the fact that she was not eating properly contribute to the stroke, could we have done more to make her eat etc.
This is such a cruel illness and there is not enough awareness. I for one will support it no matter what.

Kitts, not wanting to eat - or wanting very little - is v common - there's another thread about it. It might only have distressed your mum, trying to get her to eat when she really didn't want to, so please don't feel bad about it.

I know it's terribly hard now, but maybe it's a mercy that your mum didn't go on a few more years, just getting worse and worse, with every shred of dignity cruelly torn away (no matter how kind and compassionate the care) because that's what so often happens and it can break your heart to see someone you love go through this for years. I hope this doesn't sound unfeeling because it's not meant to be - quite the opposite.

 

[Mariondb]

How very sad for you and it always seems that guilt goes hand in hand with grieving.

Please don't be guilty though. It could be that your Mum suffered a TIA (which can often go undetected) which might have caused a downturn with her dementia and was a precursor to the final stroke. Whilst not a medic, I sincerely doubt that not eating had anything to do with it. Not drinking is more of a concern, but the fact that she was improving showed that they had made inroads into that.

Strokes can happen at any time to non-dementia patients also - they can cause dementia but are symptomatic of other medical problems and are not limited to dementia patients.

Please allow the normal grieving process which is hard enough in itself, but don't start looking for answers to questions that you can never answer, and feeling guilty about that - your Mum wouldn't want that.

 

[wdfortyplus]

....hey Kitt!

Sorry about the loss of your mum. Don't think of the 'what if's' think of it you done the best you could within the situation with your mum.

"The most powerful forms of giving are non-material. The gifts of caring, attention, affection, appreciation and love are some of the most precious gifts you can give, and they don't cost you anything" (Deepak Chopra).

You done the best you were able to do and like others have said 'you have no control' over this disease. Is not your fault. You can't change what has happened but you can learn to accept what is to come in understanding. (((((((You done your best, Kitt!))))))

I'm originally from Liverpool. If you want to chat feel free to contact me.

Care and thoughts!