A little me time allowed?

[nsc-68]

I know this is sounding very selfish asking about me when everyone else posts on here about the people they are caring about. However, the strss of dealing with my grandparents who both have alzheimers is getting a bit much and it is starting to make me ill. Ive started getting tight pains in my chest and face. I help my mother look after her parents, who have only recently got a diagnosis, though the problems have been around for a long time. My mum leans very heavily on me as to how to tackle everything and she tells me everything about them when she is upset. Ifeel I am like a sponge, able to soak all this up but just occasionally the sponge is too full.

I know my mum is stressed as I am too-If anyone would like to share with me any ways/practices of destressing I would be grateful to hear it. (Deep breathing doesnt seem to work!)

Thanks

 

[bunnies]

I know this is sounding very selfish asking about me when everyone else posts on here about the people they are caring about. However, the strss of dealing with my grandparents who both have alzheimers is getting a bit much and it is starting to make me ill. Ive started getting tight pains in my chest and face. I help my mother look after her parents, who have only recently got a diagnosis, though the problems have been around for a long time. My mum leans very heavily on me as to how to tackle everything and she tells me everything about them when she is upset. Ifeel I am like a sponge, able to soak all this up but just occasionally the sponge is too full.

I know my mum is stressed as I am too-If anyone would like to share with me any ways/practices of destressing I would be grateful to hear it. (Deep breathing doesnt seem to work!)

Thanks

I sympathise with the stress reaction, and I don't think it's selfish to consider your own needs. From reading your post it sounds to me as if you are giving your mother a lot of support, and perhaps you could help both of you if you found a bit more support for her from elsewhere, and also for your grandparents, rather than carrying on as you are.

 

[Big Geordie]

Hi nsc-68, don't begin by feeling selfish about your situation, the most important person it would appear in this story is you. If your health or general well being deteriorate to the point where you cannot function properly then your mam and grandparents will suffer far more than if you manage to take a few hours out per week. Having said that you need to try and get as much help and support as possible for everyone. If this helps; go to your GP and tell them about your situation, that will at least remove any worries about your health. Go to your local authority and talk to Social Services to see what they can offer. Contact both the Alzheimers Society and Age UK for help/guidance. See if you have a local Carers Association or support group. I assume you have contact with the local Community Physchiatric Nurse (CPN), if not your GP or either of the voluntary groups mentioned might be able to give details. I have found that reception areas in libraries, hospitals, council buildings and GP's surgeries also provide loads of information. Interestingly enough so do church halls and community centres. It also helps to let off a bit of steam on forums like this, at least you will not feel isolated and the only one with the problem. Most important for everyone though is that you look after yourself first, don't feel any guilt about that at all. I once picked up a phrase off someone/something years ago which has stuck with me; Cemetries are full of heroes. Good luck and i hope you find your bit of "me" time and no guilt attached to it. Big Geordie

 

[Helen33]

I have a personal philosophy which I developed fairly immediately I suspected my late husband was ill. It is simply this

"The best thing that you can do for those you care for is to look after yourself". My husband was to become increasingly dependant upon me for 'his life' and I felt it paramount that I was up to the task. I needed to take care of myself in order to meet the demands.

You are precious to your mum and grandparents and they all need you to be as well as possible so you take very good care of yourself

Love

 

[SWMBO1950]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOps

 

[SWMBO1950]

Hello nsc-68

You are not selfish at all.. I have always said that the "Carer is as important as the person being given care"

If you have not done so contact SS and get some carers involved in your Grandparents lives. I do not know what I would do without my mums Carers - they take some of the pressure off me (and my husband who is very good when he is not at work).

I had been bogged down since Christmas with my Mum with various things so last week I took myself off to the local shopping Mall and attached retail outlet. I went on my own and just mooched!! Got back in time for my mums foot appointment (at her home) and to do her tea late afternoon (she has a lunch where she lives so did not have to worry about that) and I cannot tell you what that did for me

Please encourage your mum to get some outside help (for both of you) - you can still keep any eye on things as I do with my mum's carers, but it just gives some relief from the pressure.

Best Wishes to you, your mum & your grandparents

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hi nsc-68

It is very difficult to think of yourself, when you are the "strong" and "healthy" one that others rely on. Everyone else's suggestions of making sure you have some time to yourself are excellent and I agree, but I would also suggest that you go to the doctor, because there is medication that you can take for anxiety that will help to take away those physical symptoms.

I suffered from some really strange physical symptoms that were purely stress-related, and beta blockers were prescribed for me, which eliminated the physical symptoms almost immediately. The worry still remained, but at least I didn't have to cope with the physical problems too.

Take care and good luck x

 

[massolina]

Hoe old are you and your parents? You seem to have classic symptoms of stress and tension put yourself first, go see a doctor, you dont have to go down the road of medication, but to distance yourself from the sitation a bit ,give your parents help when its really needed, dont let them rely on you too much,or you may make a rod for your own back!

 

[hollycat]

All great advise above, which my OH and I have taken on board as live in carers for my mum.

Don't know if you or mum can do this, but in order to keep ourselves sane, we have cheated our brains to think we are looking after a lovely old lady (which just happens to be my mum). We also con our brains into telling us it is just a job.

This attitude is quite difficult to comprehend for a lot of people but by making the relationship impersonal, it really helps to keep OUR stress to the very bare minimum.

 

[bets daughter]

Hi i have been through a difficult time longer ago and had chest pains , palpitations ect and had lots of tests at the hospital it was all stressed related.I was given diazepam to help me through but not a good thing to get hooked on , so i took rescue remedy drops which i found very calming ,it may help .I can see your problem is far bigger , which just as the other TP people have suggested get help from the professionals and ask for for needs as a carer to be assessed you cant be all things to all people Please look after yourself ,take care .Kind regards Margaret x

 

[annette1945]

annette1945 Me Time

I sympathise with the stress reaction, and I don't think it's selfish to consider your own needs. From reading your post it sounds to me as if you are giving your mother a lot of support, and perhaps you could help both of you if you found a bit more support for her from elsewhere, and also for your grandparents, rather than carrying on as you are.

Hi I look afetr my hsband with Vascular dementia and know how you feel. When I feel myself getting stressed up I just walk away from the situation go into another room with a cuppa or go to my keyboard and half an hour playing my favourite songs. Once I go back to same room as hubby he has forgotten what the reason was for getting me stressed up. Never argue with them as within 15 minutes they will have forgotten what caused the argument.I also go to meetings from my loclaal carers contact centre this as made life 100% betterr for me . We all need some MY TIME NEVER feel Guilty.

 

[Insomniac cat]

NSC-68, you're NOT selfish. I look after my mum, she has Vascular Dementia and it can be exhausting. I have sometimes sat outside in the drizzle and cried and cried through sheer frustration, mostly because I really need to have a day or two days to myself, but I haven't had one since March 2010.

Listen, seriously, I think you need to tell your GP about the chest pains and the sensations in your face. This is your body sending out warning signs, physical symptoms of mental distress. Least that's how I look at it.

You may benefit from a short treatment of anti-anxiety medication. Ask for one that won't make you too whoozy. I have Lorazapam, a wee small dose, I think it's 1mg twice a day, but I usually only have one, and that's enough to rub off the rough edges, stop me snapping and help me get more than 2 hours sleep. I don't take it all the time.

This evening I got those tell-tell 'thumps' in the chest, and on reflection I can see the stress levels have been up a lot lately. So I have taken one of the pills with my bedtime tea.

If you don't like the idea of pills, I can recommend Tai Chi. It is very relaxing. Very good for bone problems and muscular pain, too, but sooo relaxing! Maybe you and your mum could go to a class together and wind down. Also your mum needs someone else to offload on, and not dump it all on you. Maybe she should join the forum or maybe the GP can recommend a talk-therapy. Here in Colchester there is something run by the Alzheimer's Society called The Dementia Cafe, where sufferers AND carers meet up for tea and cake or a meal, and get talking to each other. I don't take my mum as she would faint at the door if she saw the word' dementia'.

Ask local Age Uk if they have any groups for carers. Some areas have groups that meet up once a month for a pub lunch, or a craft class, things like that. You could meet people in the same boat and just knowing you're not alone helps. And your mum might find someone else to lean on .

Be gentle on yourself, as you would be gentle to someone else.

Love, tea and cake,
Helena

 

[nsc-68]

Ways of coping

Thanks everyone-your comments have been helpful, informative and kind. It has been a really stressful time recently looking after both the grandparents. Grandma had what she calls a 'funny turn' when she was in town a couple of days ago. Which I think means she probably fainted and despite the fact she has hurt herself and is struggling walking, she told the doctor she was fine and nothing to worry about! Mini drama every day.

I think the pains in my chest and face are most likely to be caused by stress. However the pains arent there all the time. I am reluctant to go to the doctors as I am not keen on tablets so I think I will make more of an effort to do exercise like yoga. I think both mum and I need a distraction!

It is difficult as I don't feel that I can show my feelings in front of mum as I dont want her thinking I cant cope and she so then doesnt ask me for help. So I tend to bottle it up and then my husband comes home to a weepy wife! Not healthy I know. But I take on board some of the very useful suggestions on here and will put them into practice.

I have bought two goodie bags for Mum and I and filled it with little treats like a facemask, nail polish and file, chocolate, mini wine bottle, relaxing CD so we can indulge when things get a bit much.

What I have realised from the responses on here is that everyone has their own coping mechanisms and I have to find mine.

Sending love and hugs back xx

 

[Big Geordie]

Dear NSC-68, whilst i admire and respect what you are doing in trying to cope with the stress of the situation you face, i cannot help but feel you need to address the issue of chest and face pains. It may well be the case they come and go, it may well be the case they are linked to the stress of it all and it may be you don't like Doctors and the thought of tablets, few of us do. However they are pains in your chest and you don't really know their cause, for your own peace of mind and the long term well being of yourself, mam and Grandparents, go and see your Doctor. I hope not to offend you with my comments and that you accept the spirit with which these comments are offered, but sadly cemetaries are full of dead heroes. Assuring you of my best intentions only, Big Geordie

 

[bunnies]

I have bought two goodie bags for Mum and I and filled it with little treats like a facemask, nail polish and file, chocolate, mini wine bottle, relaxing CD so we can indulge when things get a bit much.

While it's always good to treat yourselves, these things are no substitute for finding proper support for your grandparents, and your mother...

 

[chucky]

I agree with BigGeordie, chest pains should always be investigated especially ones that come and go. I have 2 specific reasons for saying so, losing a brother at 23 years old and then again at 49. Both ignored occasional chest pains. We do seem to neglect our own well being and shrug things off by saying oh im just tired or ive worked hard all day which it may well be but i would ask the doc anyway, just to be sure. As carers we do go through tense and traumatic times with our loved ones and the body sometimes gives you a little reminder to slow down. I joked with my friend the other day that i dont like this getting old lark (we're both 50 this year) we laughed and said getting old, we've already arrived. We spend days compairing ailments and discussing our meds like 2 old buddies! Get yourself checked , im sure you'll be fine but it would be a good way to let the doc see how you are in general. take care x

 

[Meercat]

Goody bags are a lovely idea - I find a long bubble bath with easy read (chicklit) book helps me.

As for your symptoms - go to the GP and explain that you want to be checked but you would wish to consider alternatives if he/she feels you need the mediaction you don't want.
I had what I thought was stress related symptoms but went for the colonoscopy that was recommened. Thankfully nothing too serious was found but I have a condition that if gone undetected would have worsened and probably would cause futher problems.
It has been a wake up call to look after myself, for me and my own family.

Best wishes
Meercat

 

[Big Geordie]

Hi just to push my point a bit further, June 2010, i was a bit breathless now and again, odd chest pain, wife was ill but not diagnosed with Alzheimers, business slipping down the pan, drinking no end of coffee and "energy" drinks and too stubborn/scared/lazy/disliked doctors to really get it sorted. First Saturday in October 2010, i remember lying on the stretcher watching the nice patterns the blue light was making through the rooflight of the ambulance as it and its escort rushed me to hospital having suffered a stroke, in the September i'd been diagnosed with heart failure. I was lucky that night! i recovered! But who would have looked after my wife, diagnosed in February 2011 with EOD if i had not recovered? All i can conclude with is take your health seriously and whilst yoga and goody bags might help you i'll stick with my Bisoprolol, Ramipril, Simvastatin, Warfarin and emergency painkiller inhaler. Sorry but i'd rather you disliked me for my comments rather than i hated myself for not speaking out and something were to happen to you. Please consider your health as a priority. Best wishes Big Geordie.

 

[nsc-68]

I will listen!

Thanks all for the concern, especially you Big Geordie. Ofcourse chest pains shouldn't be ignored and I take your point loud and clear I will make a Doctors appointment, I guess you dont think it is anything serious when you are in your mid 20s but I will go. .

Its been a busy and trying couple of weeks-you have to laugh don't you?!

Love to all that messaged me

 

[Big Geordie]

Thank you for your understanding and kind comments, the trip to your GP will be worthwhile and i'am sure you will get some reassurance from it. Look after yourself. Vary best wishes, Big Geordie