Why is it that after a very busy productive day clearing junk out of the garage - it's finished at last and with so much to look forward to - my lovely grand daughter's wedding dress to make and some wonderful friends coming to stay over Easter week, lunch out with my daughter for mothers day that while I was sitting quietly in the sun with the french doors open listening to a beautiful blackbird singing in the garden I'm suddenly overwhelmed by grief? All I could think was that Gary will never hear this or enjoy it again when the reality is that even if he'd still been here he wouldn't have been able to enjoy it. He'd not been able to understand or enjoy anything for a long time. It's so silly thinking of him in terms of someone pre- dementia now, that was so long ago
Why is it?
- Thread starter elaine n
- Start date
because lifes a bi*ch and then it has puppies....
No its not silly thinking the way you are, its normal, upsetting, but normal
((HUGS))
xx
>>>>>or s**t happens!
Best wishes
Best wishes
because lifes a bi*ch and then it has puppies....
No its not silly thinking the way you are, its normal, upsetting, but normal
((HUGS))
xx
Thank you x
I've gathered myself now, the dogs rallied round to comfort me, as they always do, bless them but however often this happens, I'm never quite prepared for it. I suppose I tend to think I'm stronger than this - stronger than what I don't know,I guess I try and stave a lot off but it always gets you in the end. I come from a family who don't do open emotions and I know that's not good for the soul but old habits die hard. Thank God for TP. NO one, no one else knows how I feel, I can only tell you all who understand and don't judge me on my lack of input onto the forum and mainly come here for support, I read many posts but can't answer most of what I read, even though I want to. I'm afraid of frightening new members with my story and experiences because ours probably wasn't typical of most dementia journeys and most of what I could say would be negative and scarey
I've gathered myself now, the dogs rallied round to comfort me, as they always do, bless them but however often this happens, I'm never quite prepared for it. I suppose I tend to think I'm stronger than this - stronger than what I don't know,I guess I try and stave a lot off but it always gets you in the end. I come from a family who don't do open emotions and I know that's not good for the soul but old habits die hard. Thank God for TP. NO one, no one else knows how I feel, I can only tell you all who understand and don't judge me on my lack of input onto the forum and mainly come here for support, I read many posts but can't answer most of what I read, even though I want to. I'm afraid of frightening new members with my story and experiences because ours probably wasn't typical of most dementia journeys and most of what I could say would be negative and scarey
Thank you Linda x
I'm sorry, I didn't even wish you happy birthday!
Life's passing me by at the moment I'm afraid but that's a poor excuse I feel xxx
I'm sorry, I didn't even wish you happy birthday!
Life's passing me by at the moment I'm afraid but that's a poor excuse I feel xxx
Dear Elaine,
I know what you mean about not sharing the reality of the end of life stuff. Alan's was so bad that I don't think it would be helpful to anyone at all. I do believe that his last day(s) were not usual and just the incompetence of the nurses at the time.
I suppose how we feel very much depends on personal belief systems. I believe that your Gary will be experiencing the birds singing much better than you do. "Now we see through a mirror dimly but then we shall see face to face" I believe that he is alright and in a far better state than any of us. I do appreciate though that it is personal belief that affects each one of us that remain living. I do think that you are very spiritual and that things will become clearer through the passage of time. When Alan died I had lots of opportunities for nice things with nice people but it didn't eradicate my grief. I found it a temporary reprieve. I was grateful for the reprieves.
Love and a (HUG)
I know what you mean about not sharing the reality of the end of life stuff. Alan's was so bad that I don't think it would be helpful to anyone at all. I do believe that his last day(s) were not usual and just the incompetence of the nurses at the time.
I suppose how we feel very much depends on personal belief systems. I believe that your Gary will be experiencing the birds singing much better than you do. "Now we see through a mirror dimly but then we shall see face to face"
I believe that he is alright and in a far better state than any of us. I do appreciate though that it is personal belief that affects each one of us that remain living. I do think that you are very spiritual and that things will become clearer through the passage of time. When Alan died I had lots of opportunities for nice things with nice people but it didn't eradicate my grief. I found it a temporary reprieve. I was grateful for the reprieves.Love and a (HUG)
Elaine, hi , I don't write on here much as my ability to communicate is limited and diminishing, but thank you your posts have helped me to post, I do think of you and others that I've been able to communicate a little bit with on here but am unable to participate more. I think you are amazing and just wanted to say it's not silly to think of Gary in pre-dementia days, because that was Gary - and I hope and pray that you get more times to remember him pre-dementia as you heal from the traumas you've gone through. I'm thankful you have the dogs they must be a great comfort to you and they understand far more than humans give them credit for. Thinking of you.
Sue
x
Holding on will do nicely.
My mother died 5 years ago, and loved the spring flowers. We had the most dreadful relationship, and she did not even have dementia.Now seeing the flowers makes me cry because all the bitterness and pain has finally healed and I can love her again.
If that sort of miracle is possible, just about anything is. You will get by somehow, each day is nearer to managing a little better.
((( hugs)))
Gill
My mother died 5 years ago, and loved the spring flowers. We had the most dreadful relationship, and she did not even have dementia.Now seeing the flowers makes me cry because all the bitterness and pain has finally healed and I can love her again.
If that sort of miracle is possible, just about anything is. You will get by somehow, each day is nearer to managing a little better.
((( hugs)))
Gill
Thank you all for your kind thoughts. Grief is such a complex process isn't it? We go through the motions of day to day living, doing the things we need to - tonight I've been to a meeting with my drama group, somehow I've become the secretary for the next year (oh well....) but no one knows what's going on inside me, they see the person I present to the world and I suppose that's my choice. Apart from you all here, I can't let other people see how I really feel, I don't want their pity or for them to treat me as different to anyone else, that would just make it all worse, as long as they respect the place that I'm in at the moment. I've just read that back and it doesn't really make sense...if i don't let anyone know how things are how can they? It doesn't really matter I think, what I feel is what I feel and other people can't change that
Thinking of you Elaine. As others say - no it is definitely not silly to remember pre dementia days (I'm still searching for Mum's happier memories but hoefully when I do find them I will hold onto them firmly). As to others understanding I can understand your thoughts -I also don't open up my emotions much - at work even with close frineds it is only now one year on that sadly in the last 2 months 3 friends have lost loved family members and only now have we communicated properly as we suddenly understand each other's feelings more.
Sending love and strength - and as for dogs, yes they are special support
Katherine xxx
Sending love and strength - and as for dogs, yes they are special support
Katherine xxx
Does it have to make sense? Some know how you are without you having to let them know - because they've known grief too - of course not all aspects personal to you but enough to know it's a tough and painful process. You're right what you feel is what you feel, I hope today you maybe have felt a bit easier.
Thinking of you.
Sue
x
towncrier
Here is something from my own experience which I now pass on to anyone experiencing emotional turmoil, grief, anger, regret and so on. Write it down. It doesn't have to be for anyone's eyes but your own; just let the words flow. It is therapeutic to let the feelings out. If you keep them bottled up inside yourself I think they kind of poison you. It is great if you also have someone to talk it out with but it is not the same as expressing your feelings as freely as you can when it is for yourself alone. It is helpful if you can type fluently but even if you can't, you can take your time and if you feel your thoughts are racing ahead of your writing, it does not matter; the ideas don't get lost as you write; they just come back in a different order. Don't worry about presentation, spelling or punctuation. You can edit later if you so wish. Then you can decide whether to keep your writing as a record for you to look back on at some future time when you have recovered. Or you might feel you can now draw a line and put your anguish behind you by solemnly burning or shredding your account -this last is a suggestion I have heard about elsewhere but not tried myself.
Here is something from my own experience which I now pass on to anyone experiencing emotional turmoil, grief, anger, regret and so on. Write it down. It doesn't have to be for anyone's eyes but your own; just let the words flow. It is therapeutic to let the feelings out. If you keep them bottled up inside yourself I think they kind of poison you. It is great if you also have someone to talk it out with but it is not the same as expressing your feelings as freely as you can when it is for yourself alone. It is helpful if you can type fluently but even if you can't, you can take your time and if you feel your thoughts are racing ahead of your writing, it does not matter; the ideas don't get lost as you write; they just come back in a different order. Don't worry about presentation, spelling or punctuation. You can edit later if you so wish. Then you can decide whether to keep your writing as a record for you to look back on at some future time when you have recovered. Or you might feel you can now draw a line and put your anguish behind you by solemnly burning or shredding your account -this last is a suggestion I have heard about elsewhere but not tried myself.
Coping with grief and all the loss is so hard
It is just awful when grief hits you, it sweeps over me and makes it so hard to function. I have lost my dad and my friend. He was so strong all my life that at times i wonder if i can get back to the life i had before this devastation happened. i have lost my job, my health and my relationship ended all because of the strain of caring for my dad. I wouldn't go back and do anything differently but I often wonder why this has happened.
On better days I know I will get through, but still finding to hard to sleep and I miss both my parents so much (mum was his carer and passed away suddenly 4 years ago) Is there a life after all this sadness? Sorry to be so maudlin
It is just awful when grief hits you, it sweeps over me and makes it so hard to function. I have lost my dad and my friend. He was so strong all my life that at times i wonder if i can get back to the life i had before this devastation happened. i have lost my job, my health and my relationship ended all because of the strain of caring for my dad. I wouldn't go back and do anything differently but I often wonder why this has happened.
On better days I know I will get through, but still finding to hard to sleep and I miss both my parents so much (mum was his carer and passed away suddenly 4 years ago) Is there a life after all this sadness? Sorry to be so maudlin
Morning Elaine,
I've just read your post from last night about you being with the drama group and becoming Secretary What struck me was this
Love to you x
I've just read your post from last night about you being with the drama group and becoming Secretary
What struck me was this
. I tend to think that we sometimes think that what we keep inside is our 'real' selves and what we present is 'false'. It is true that some people do have a false self but I suspect this is not the case with you. I like to think that the part of yourself that went to the drama group and was able to participate is also your real self - the part of you that is able to make connection with people on a less emotional level. That is not wrong - that is wonderful. This part of yourself carries some very emotional 'stuff' and is able to contain it. As long as you are aware of doing that, it is alright, it is good. As long as you find certain people, or ways, of releasing what you are holding inside as you walk through your life (now and again or when necessary) then that seems very healthy to me.
Love to you x
