The Wedding Ring

[Petrina]

Yesterday Dad was adamant his memory wasn't bad and he told the psychiatrist he was getting on with things ok (yeah, sure, that's why when I go round each day he's got a mountain of correspondance he doesn't know what to do with) and then when I went round later, there was the incident of the wedding ring.

He mentioned his signet ring and said he rather liked it and wondered how long he'd had it. I said it was his wedding ring. He sounded very puzzled. I told him something about the origin of the ring and how he and Mum had got their rings together and he vaguely remembered. They were married over half a century. I don't mind if he remembers boring stuff or sad stuff or trivial stuff, but I do mind him forgetting about his wedding ring.

He tells me he can't remember much about Mum at the end and I say that's ok, that's not dementia, it's his mind protecting him from his memories of Mum being about her dying and that all that matters is that he remembers the beautiful woman he fell in love with (he has a picture next to his bed from when they were courting) and that he remembers she loved him enough to stay with him for over half a century.

But to forget his wedding ring? I'm crying. It's not that a ring matters, it's the love that matters. I want him to remember how much he was loved by Mum. I'm terrified he will forget her. If I thought he'd remember instead a wayward youth full of lovely girlfriends, that would be different, but so far as I know, he had no girlfriend of any significance but Mum.

 

[Butter]

He must have known your mum before he knew you. So if he is remembering you and your childhood ... he will be remembering her too. Maybe recent memory does not connect to the past -

My mum met my dad when she was 21 and they are still married 62 years later. But she is sure he never comes to see her. The man who comes to see her every afternoon has nothing to do with the boy she fell in love with when she was a girl. My dad understands the illness well enough to be quite comfortable with that some of the time. I hope that reassures you a little ....

 

[Petrina]

Does it upset her that he doesn't visit (as she sees it)?

When Dad's been delirious, he's confused me with Mum, because I look like she did at my age. Not just physical appearance but the way we walk (distinctive with physical impairments). I'm hoping as the dementia progresses, maybe he'll think I'm her most of the time and that will comfort him.

 

[Doe]

Petrina your title struck such chord with me. Yesterday evening my husband got agitated and I realised he was looking for his wedding ring. He has lost over two stone in weight since Christmas because he has stopped eating and his ring was slipping off. I removed it partly because I was afraid he would lose it but also because he was putting it on his middle finger instead and it was getting stuck causing further problems. Anyway I went and got the ring and by way of conversation said to him that it was his wedding ring and what a lovely happy day it was when I gave it to him and he had given me my one (showing my ring). He expressed great surprise at this and the fact that he was married. I then went and got a wedding photo and showed him it but he did not recognise the people in the photo. I should have felt sad but I didn't because a few days ago we were sitting on the sofa holding hands, he was sundowning and extremely agitated I was trying to comfort him and very sadly i just said 'oh George I do love you' to which he replied 'Thank you darling I love you too'. It was as clear as anything but the first clear words he had spoken for a couple of weeks. Also when the Psychiatrist asked him who I was one day at the memory clinic he said that I was 'his special friend'. To me both these things more than compensate for him not actually knowing I am his wife or that we are formally married. I think what I am saying Petrina is that he may not recognise the 'formal' relationship he had with your mum but I bet the feeling is there that she is someone very special to him and that is the important thing. I hope this helps Doe

 

[Butter]

re 'Does it upset her that he doesn't visit (as she sees it)?

When Dad's been delirious, he's confused me with Mum, because I look like she did at my age. Not just physical appearance but the way we walk (distinctive with physical impairments). I'm hoping as the dementia progresses, maybe he'll think I'm her most of the time and that will comfort him. '


sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. The distressing thing is when he tries to leave: she gets very very upset sometimes and upsets the other residents ... visitors ... and makes a lot of work for the staff.
She often is not sure who I am. However my Dad is beginning to think I am my mum occasionally - and then he realises I am not and is very disappointed. I am no comfort to him - while my mum is: however ill she may be she gives a focus and meaning to his life.

 

[jan.s]

Dear Petrina
I'm sure he will think you are your mum in time, as memories blur. My dad did and he didn't have dementia!

My husband and I have been together for 40 years, but only got married 3 years ago. He remembers nothing of the wedding at all, in fact he doesn't even know he's married. He knows who I am, not sure about the wife bit though, and can't say my name. What I'm getting at is dad may well have the memories, but they are muddled.

Just a thought.
Jan x

 

[Petrina]

From what you're all saying, then, it seems that what matters is that he knows he's loved and has been loved rather than the details. Thank you. I will focus on that aspect of dealing with his memory where Mum's concerned.

 

[Witzend]

But to forget his wedding ring? I'm crying. It's not that a ring matters, it's the love that matters. I want him to remember how much he was loved by Mum. I'm terrified he will forget her. If I thought he'd remember instead a wayward youth full of lovely girlfriends, that would be different, but so far as I know, he had no girlfriend of any significance but Mum.

It's terribly upsetting for you, but maybe forgetting stops them being upset about having lost someone they loved. My mother was absolutely devastated when my father died - they'd had a very good marriage of over 45 years and had done everything together. He was only 72. She had kept some of the letters he wrote her during the war - he was in the RN on the awful N Atlantic convoys - and after he died she would put one of these under her pillow each night and read it before she went to sleep, to keep him close. When he was dying he was very upset that he couldn't get out to buy her a Christmas present - she said, it doesn't matter -write me a letter, and that's what he did.

Yet now, if I show her a photo of him, she just looks vaguely foggy and says, 'Oh, yes - did he die?' She never mentions him any more, hasn't for quite a while now. But in a way I'm glad she doesn't remember him, since at least she's not so sad any more at having lost him, because in many ways her life ended when he died. She was never really properly happy afterwards - just marking time until she could join him.

And I don't mind admitting, in the darkest times of AD I've asked him to come and get her, since she's absolutely not having any fun here any more.

 

[Petrina]

As Dad sits behind me, asleep, sometimes snoring, sometimes saying random phrases, I look at him and think that I want him to die like that. Just go to sleep and stop breathing. Preferably before his quality of life gets too unbearable for him.

 

[Witzend]

As Dad sits behind me, asleep, sometimes snoring, sometimes saying random phrases, I look at him and think that I want him to die like that. Just go to sleep and stop breathing. Preferably before his quality of life gets too unbearable for him.

I know exactly how you feel. I used to wish my mother would just go peacefully to sleep, after I'd given her a nice dinner and kissed her goodnight - and never wake up, before we finally had to put her through all the upset of moving her to a CH. But here we are, several years later, and coming up for 94.
Do hope your dad will be luckier. x

 

[bets daughter]

I agree with what has been said , my Dad died last April after almost 66 years of happy marriage ,at first Mum couldnt remember Dad dying , then months of heart ache for her and her wanting to die and now never hardly mentions him and when she does no tears or words of sadness ,maybe its because i always have a happy or funny tale relating to Dad ,or Dads fading in Mums memory , i feel she has no idea how long Dads been gone could be 1 year or 10??.All these stages in a fairly short time seems strange .Yes it would be better just to slip away in their sleep rather than live in their awful world .Bless them they dont deserve this end .

 

[SWMBO1950]

My mother never mentions my dad these days (he's been gone 14 years). Don't know if she has forgotten him - there is a picture of him on her sideboard (must show her tomorrow and ask). I used to listen to her when she did not hear me come in 'Dear God take me to my Bill (my Dad)' but she has not said it for some time.

When I talk to her I do wonder if she know what I am talking about - but I still talk!

 

[Resigned]

My mum forgot my dad (died 18 years ago) within a couple of months of being diagnosed. She's been in a CH now for two years.

Last year her wedding and engagement rings disappeared from her fingers (she's got very thin and they probably fell off) but she had no awareness that she had ever had rings and what they had once meant to her. She's never mentioned them and had no interest when I told her they had disappeared and we must look for them.

They've never turned up which is sad but only for me, not for her.

It's horrible, isn't it, when such a bit part of their lives means absolutely nothing to them any more.

R

 

[Witzend]

My mum forgot my dad (died 18 years ago) within a couple of months of being diagnosed. She's been in a CH now for two years.

Last year her wedding and engagement rings disappeared from her fingers (she's got very thin and they probably fell off) but she had no awareness that she had ever had rings and what they had once meant to her. She's never mentioned them and had no interest when I told her they had disappeared and we must look for them.

They've never turned up which is sad but only for me, not for her.

It's horrible, isn't it, when such a bit part of their lives means absolutely nothing to them any more.

R

We've had the same - disappearing rings that she's not even aware of now, though once she'd have been terribly upset and looking for them all over.

I have looked in her room as far as I can without making a big Thing of it, God knows she could have hidden them somewhere - but I do think they're probably gone now.

I have wondered whether to ask the CH to investigate, but don't want to appear as if I'm accusing any staff of stealing since they are mostly very good - there's only one I don't altogether take to. Thing is, in that CH, several of the residents are often in and out of each others' rooms and taking whatever they like the look of - I know it's very hard for staff to keep track of things. I literally don't even leave a cardigan lying around in public areas any more e.g. when I take my mother to the loo - let alone anything like my bag - it would very likely vanish. Talk about Kleptomania Central.

Had to tell a 'new' relative the other day not to leave her bag by a sofa while she went into the adjacent area. I said, 'Honestly, it'll disappear,' and she gave me a Look as if I were one of the residents! (Who's this batty woman?) Luckily one of the staff instantly repeated it, with knobs on.

 

[rajahh]

It will soon be coming to the time when my husband thinks I am his first wife. or even his first fiancee!!!

I am certainly not looking forward to that but I see the signs. He constantly thinks he is living in a house with stairs, and although we have lived in flats for 23 years the stairs are very dominant in his mind. He keeps asking me where I have hidden them,

My problem is that he and his first wife grew apart quite quickly and only stayed together because of the children, and I worry about his attitude towards me changing.

At the moment he totally trusts me, but for how long??

Jeannette

 

[SWMBO1950]

Well I checked today..........................

I showed my mum a photo of my dad & she knew who he was although she called him her husband and not Bill. The photo of my sisters family (all adults) proved she knew my sister, she thought my niece was me, my older nephew the thought was my son and the younger she knew but could not remember his name.

She asked me why I was asking so I just said you know you have problems with your memory which she acknowledged and I then said I just wanted to know if she recognised my dad. She looked at me as if I was mad and if she was thinking how could I forget that!! Life in the Old Girl yet

 

[Petrina]

It's good to hear that she remembers him. Little things mean so much, don't they?

 

[winda]

Hi Jeannette,

I also see the signs of my husband thinking that I am his first wife. She had lots of affairs and eventually left him for one of them. My husband now tells people that I have lots of boyfriends and that he has to watch me. (I don't know when I am supposed to be seeing these people). And when he is angry with me he sometimes tells me that I don't love him I only care about all my boyfriends. Very annoying but I do understand that he can't help it. Can also be embarrassing when he tells someone who doesn't understand. He also calls me by her name more and more.
We have been together for 28 years.