Sex

[Annella]

I am another one who can relate to this problem, although as with other people, my twist is a bit different. Intimacy has always been really important for my husband's emotional security. It has been the final confirmation that I love and care for him - more powerful than words could ever be.

I must admit for a long time it has been a matter of "close your eyes and think of England" because I knew that he needed that closeness more than ever. But my husband is on so much medication that he is frequently impotent so there is no "quick fix". We do kiss and cuddle in bed as much as I can cope with but I get to the stage where I feel he is living off my life force. It sounds silly, but I often feel he is sucking me dry and that there is no part of me that he doesn't want to consume.

That is when I say no and he becomes bereft and miserable. But I need there to be some part of me where the focus isn't always him and his needs.

So, another thank you for raising the topic.

 

[Barney18]

Reds I think your reply just highlights how lonely this disease can make us feel. My hubby for most part ignores me not because he's being mean but because he simply does not think to give me a cuddle or kiss me. I often hug him and he looks at me as if to say 'what's wrong'. I really miss the closeness we used to have and feel like I'm more and more on my own. Beelady your comment about the elephant made me smile as well. It's the same for us we sometimes go all evening without talking which is another reason I think I find it hard in bed. How can you be ignored (not the right word) then expect to be intimate? It just seems like another door that is closed to us

 

[tre]

I guess I am lucky in that my husband often gives me a cuddle and a kiss and Tells me he loves me. He seems particularly to want to tell me this if he wakes up at 3.00am- I settle him and am just about dropping off and he calls my name, I ask him if he needs anything and he replies just to tell you I love you. This is lovely but the charm wears off a bit when it repeats 10 minutes later etc etc and next thing it is 4.00am.
He is the love of my life but it is not easy dealing with some of the changes this disease brings
Tre

 

[Grommit]

From the perspective of a mere male carer, I find the posts very interesting.
Since Jean's diagnosis that aspect of our marriage has entirely gone.

To my mind, complicity has to be at the forefront of all sexual activity and, if one or the other partner, is unable to comply it is impossible to continue.

For me, it would be very much like taking advantage of a person without their knowledge and consent and would leave feelings of distaste should I even attempt.

We all have needs and desires but unfortunatley it is not always easy to have them fulfilled.

 

[Betty272]

How I coped

Hi

I know what you mean. My way of dealing with it was to think of it as part of the relationship that was still there. However it was difficult not to cry , I often wept afterwards because it accentuated the loss somehow. However this phase did not last long, I got over the feeling of loss and decided to be kind to him even though it was sex at a very basic level.

He doesn't want sex now, he found it difficult to come to a climax eventually. All in all it took 6 months to go through this phase.

Hope this helps
Betty

 

[Annella]

Too many cuddles

Reading other people's posts has really helped my put things in perspective. I think it must be really hard when your husband shows no affection towards you - that really would make you feel all alone.

So I sort of feel better that my husband will tell me that he loves me 10 times in half an hour and give me passionate kisses throughout the day - even when the kids are watching. I should treasure those moments more, especially since today he woke from a sleep and asked me if I was his wife and why I was living in his house. I suppose the only thing that is certain about Alzheimer's is that any particular behavious won't last forever.

Thanks again for this post.

 

[stanleypj]

This is a very interesting thread and makes you realise once again how this disease can affect people, and their carers, so differently. All I can say is that I went through a period where I was fairly convinced that any kind of intimacy between us was a thing of the past - my wife almost ignored me for most of the time (I agree that ignored is not totally accurate in the context but I can't think of another word). I carried on giving her hugs and telling her I loved her, because I wanted to, but usually there was very little response, though she didn't object. Over the last few weeks though, there have been significant changes generally and other people have noticed that she has been more aware of them. I can't be sure why this has happened though I have some ideas. Anyway, I've found that she is now more responsive to physical affection and hasn't totally forgotten how to return it. So all I'd say is, don't make any assumptions and, most importantly, don't give up on intimacy unless you really want to or you are convinced that your partner really wants to.