Duty of care - christian beliefs and moral obligations

[Katrine]

And the gift that I have from my mother (and from the Lord I believe) is that now she has totally forgotten why she didn't like me, is pleased to see me and really enjoys having me to visit. I have the satisfaction of managing her home to the standards I know she would want, without her being aware of how it is achieved.

She was always such an anxious, critical and discontented person, but now she is peaceful and happy. Dementia takes so much away, but sometimes it can remove bad habits and bad memories, for which I am so thankful.

She and I can't talk about the ways of the world, or our previous more intellectual interests, because she can't process the information, but we share a loving and unconditional mother-daughter relationship for the first time in our lives. Some things are indeed priceless.

 

[Jancis]

Before I start with this story, I want to stress that I'm not writing it to get sympathy, I have chosen to do what I do for my mum.
5 years ago, after my dad died, my mum did everything she could to prevent me from ever being involved in her care and welfare. She wouldn't let me help with her administrative needs re my dad's death and relied heavily on a neighbour to do all the paperwork. She became abusive and hysterical on the phone if I said I would visit her and absolutely forbade me to come to her house. This was prior to her developing a diagnosable level of dementia.

She certainly had capacity when she made the decision to exclude me from her POAs and changed her Will so that I was no longer her executor. It wasn't on the grounds of not wanting to be a burden, it was because she said she didn't like or trust me. She told all her friends, and the solicitor, that we were estranged. Funny that, mother, since OH and I took you on holiday around that time.

Katrine, your story hit a nerve with me as I didn't know your mum had 'estranged' herself from you. I know you don't want sympathy but just had to say that I've been through a similar scenario with my Uncle (not as close a relation as a mum or dad but I still feel he's very close to me). I couldn't believe that he had told many people that his sister (my mum) and his niece (me) and family were estranged from him and that he didn't like or trust me. It was the biggest shock of my life.

Thanks for sharing this.

 

[hollycat]

And the gift that I have from my mother (and from the Lord I believe) is that now she has totally forgotten why she didn't like me, is pleased to see me and really enjoys having me to visit. I have the satisfaction of managing her home to the standards I know she would want, without her being aware of how it is achieved.

She was always such an anxious, critical and discontented person, but now she is peaceful and happy. Dementia takes so much away, but sometimes it can remove bad habits and bad memories, for which I am so thankful.

She and I can't talk about the ways of the world, or our previous more intellectual interests, because she can't process the information, but we share a loving and unconditional mother-daughter relationship for the first time in our lives. Some things are indeed priceless.

WOW !

Speechless and getting my laptop wet with tears !

x x x

 

[jenniferpa]

To be honest, my gift was considerably less unexpected than Katrine's: this was something that was not at all out of character for Mummy. Love you mums.

 

[Katrine]

Jancis, I think it would have been unbearable if I had known about it at the time, but fortunately I was in blissful ignorance (apart from the abusive phone calls). I was more worried about how she was coping than thinking about my own feelings, although I would have liked to help with preparations for my dad's funeral. I was allowed to attend but that was all. Not allowed to contact anyone. She went ballistic when I told his daughter (by first marriage) that he had died.

Come to think about it, I think it was this episode of 'disgraceful inteference' that probably triggered her later behaviour with the legal stuff. To her it was a terrible betrayal of trust because my sister then rang and asked to come to the funeral, and this was all very threatening and upsetting to my mum. She just could not accept that my sister had any right to feelings of her own, and I was therefore in league with this stranger in intruding on her personal grief. Blimey, it's only in writing this that I now realise what my crime was, in addition to my lifelong crime of being me of course!

My brother went with her to the solicitor to draw up the POA and new Will and they were casting about the list of elderly distant relatives to find anyone who might be a reserve POA, eventually deciding that there was no-one else but my brother and his partner. The solicitor said she did ask "why not your daughter?" and my mum became almost hysterical so she had to just accept that's what the client wanted. You can imagine what a kick in the guts it was to find this out last year.

I was angry with my brother from concealing all this from me while using me as his gofer, but I've got over it now. I suppose the lasting legacy is that while I do my duty, and enjoy doing it too, I retain my own life away from her and keep the two situations very separate.

 

[RosEpping]

Katrine you have made such a valid point - there can be positives

Thanks - I am able to stop and look at the positives of our mum's dementia. Similarly to yours she used to be critical, domineering and selfish (although still a good mother in many ways) and she certainly always had to have the last word.
She is now generally a sweet, dotty little old lady (and as my sisters and I have discussed) she is much easier to love than before.
So I shall concentrate on the positives as much as I can
Ros

 

[ellejay]

When I re read my post it didn't sound right.

 

[jimbo 111]

And the gift that I have from my mother (and from the Lord I believe) is that now she has totally forgotten why she didn't like me, is pleased to see me and really enjoys having me to visit. I have the satisfaction of managing her home to the standards I know she would want, without her being aware of how it is achieved.

She was always such an anxious, critical and discontented person, but now she is peaceful and happy. Dementia takes so much away, but sometimes it can remove bad habits and bad memories, for which I am so thankful.

She and I can't talk about the ways of the world, or our previous more intellectual interests, because she can't process the information, but we share a loving and unconditional mother-daughter relationship for the first time in our lives. Some things are indeed priceless.

We had been married about 55 years when my wife first started showing symptons of AD
In the next five years her condition got progressively worse and I was her carer for all that time
Prior to that we had led a normal married life and my wife was devoted to her children , her home and her family
I took things for granted, after so many years of marriage you tend to just 'rub along'
without giving it much thought
When the AD got worse, I just did what I did , because it had to be done and my wife was not able to do it herself.
But in the course of those five years for all of the traumas that go with caring for someone with this dreadful disease I became aware of what she had been selflessly doing for me for fiftyfive years
I also became aware of the true meaning of love, I can still hear her voice as she sometimes said ' you are kind to me'
My wife died in May 2010 , her suffering was over . I still wish that she didn't have to have suffered but I know that it was because she suffered I realised the true meaning of love , and in a perverse sort of way my life was richer for it
The words of following poem 'The Life That I Have ' mean a lot at such times

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wyqf8coLhy0&feature=player_detailpage#t=3s

jimbo 111

 

[PostTenebrasLux]

Warning - sensitive topic

Dear Jancis,

Having nursed my beloved cousin and watched her family's (ongoing) suffering for the last 12 years, my experience leads me to another dilemma, "easier" to handle if I did not have the element of faith/Christian beliefs to consider.

Were I to be diagnosed with dementia, I believe that I would prefer (as my life stands at the moment) to opt for The Big Sleep for the reason of my love for my family, to protect and preserve them. As no doubt many of us, I have worked hard and always stiven for better opportunities for my children, to enable each to have a small foot up on say the property ladder and a contribution towards my grandchildren's education. I would resent my property to be sold to pay for my care (which may possibly not be up to the mark). The stress, the tribulations, the heartache, the logistics and potential arguments and the expenses and the lost inheritance is not what I wish to burden my children with. I may deprive them of the "privilege" of caring for me in my disability, but Life as we know it today is even harder than the era I grew up in. I have discussed my views with my beloved husband of nearly 30 years who has also nursed our cousin for the last 12 years, ongoing. Our children, aged 23, 25 and 27 have grown up with caring directly and indirectly for my cousin, so under the circumstances, I feel they have had a hands on insight and understanding of the ravages to the supporters and carers of Alzheimer's.

I have my own peace with my faith, a remarkable, loving, understanding and supportive family. I would need courage to die, but would all the more choose to do so with the love for my family foremost in my heart. My financial advisor has confirmed that policies will be paid, provided they have been held for a certain number of years prior to death. My faith has guided me in my outlook...

 

[Jancis]

Dear Martina,
As always I value your thoughts.
x